House in need of deep clean - DH won't get a cleaner in

My son had the habit of leaving fishing gear everywhere. I asked repeatedly for him to move it but to no avail so stuck it all up in the loft. He was not pleased but got the message.

Get someone in!
I had my carpets professionally cleaned yesterday. 2 rooms, shampooed with stains removed. The carpets looks like new. He even moved furniture. I had removed the small clutter.
I paid him £70 .

Admittedly I am on my own now but I'm pretty mean when it comes to work I ought to be doing myself

The hip situation makes it an absolute necessity in your case.

Lahlah wrote:
"--- even in 2025 many women are struggling to negotiate equal division of domestic labour, finances etc for all sorts of reasons. Knowing that you have a right to something, and navigating your access to that are not the same thing----"

I copied this as it's good advice for all sorts of occasions, not only division of domestic labour.

ftm420

BazingaGranny: not sure if your comments was meant this way, but I did have a little chuckle about putting DH and his fish in a cupboard! If only!

JaneJudge: he has a bookshelf, the cupboards under the fish tank, a crate under the coffee table, the top of the coffee table, the dining table, half of the kitchen table...and an entire full height shed outside the patio doors! Not sure he can have any more storage!

is the fish stuff the main problem? it sounds like he needs to sort through it all?

As I said I have had friends in similar situation wrt fish. It seems to be a 'thing'

Luckily my husband only collects a certain variety of plant/tree which is a more inclusive hobby!

Have you booked the oven clean? That will be one thing out of the way with

RIGHT. I am back on the scene , very jet lagged and shattered, but just had to reply to this. My friend years ago had two little girls who didnt tidy up when asked and a husband who left things all over the place that " he was in the middle of working on and could not be moved" She then told them all clearly that whatever was not cleared away properly by X time would be got rid of. The deadline was reached and nothing done.
She literally got a pile of black bags and swept everything higgledy piggledy into the bags and then chucked them in the garage. When they came in and got a shock she told them they had one evening to rescue anything th at they cared about and put it AWAY in drawers as the bin men would be round in the morning. Anything not sorted would GO!!

She absolutely stuck to her guns and they got a great shock. They never expected her to stick to it so it taught them a lesson. Every so often later on when it began to get messy she would inform them that it was time for another clear out etc.

Now in this case they are all adults and have no right to behave in this way, so you have EVERY RIGHT to live as you wish as they seem to think they have. So I would simply wait until they are all at the table or in the same room and announce that you are no longer going to live in this mess. Things will be altering forthwith and they have that evening to remove anything important that they want to put away. DO NOT bargain, negotiate or listen to any arguments. simply make the announcement and then the following day , bring calm and peace to your own life. So this means ring up the oven cleaner people, perhaps ask around from friends for recommended sorters. then I would firstly go to the bank and get a reasonably large amount of cash out , so that your husband cannot block it and then get started. Let your fingers do the walking!! I would suggest that you start with the kitchen. Decide what you want doing, put a comfortable chair and table in the next door room and then sit there and get them to do the cleaning, where they can check with you on any important little things that need keeping etc. Then when the whole kitchen has been cleaned, inside and outside of the cupboards, walls floors etc etc, you can sit and enjoy the results, consider what worked well and what didnt, and make small adjustments ready for the next room - the bathroom. Repeat the process and of course ensure that you are in overall charge, and that you ask them nicely to make you coffee etc etc. Pay them and when your selfish and lazy family come back in, tell them that from now on this is the way the kitchen and bathroom will remain. Divide the bill into three and present them each with one. They made the mess they can pay. In the future they can either do the work and keep it tidy themselves or you will get someone in again. Then if you have been happy with the work provided, get the whole rest of the house brought up to standard in the same way. Once it is all in a decent state, you can start a new regime.
1. Each person will keep their own things put away in their own room or wherever it has been agreed
2. They are all adults and are equally responsible for the clean running of house and shopping etc.
3. Whilst you are having your hip replaced they are responsible for your share.
4. If they do not want to do the work they are responsible for paying someone on a weekly basis to keep up standards.
5. Your husband has had more than his fair share of space in the house and can now buy a shed/summerhouse, whatever in which to put his fish outside. He can have a chair outside and possibly a camera so that if he wants he can watch them from inside on cold days. All fish and parafinallia will now be removed never to darken the door of your house again!!

Of course they may refuse to do any of this , or start and then slide back into the shambles. Dont forget to take pictures of each room before and after cleaning up. Then depends on how much you still care for your husband and if you wish to live with him. If they do not want to do any of this fine, but in your case I would start looking for a pleasant flat or house to buy . If you still want to be involved with them, you could buy somewhere nearby, so that you can life the life you choose and they can have theirs. They may visit you whenever and you will never have to visit them !! They have had far too much of your life and endless efforts on thei r behalf. We are none of us getting any younger and you should be able to spend time as you want to. You will get a lot of pleasure in your new home, your radio is on your station, the toilet seat remains down etc etc. Even prisoners get time off for good behaviour!! Let us know how things go and send us a picture of your new decent and tidy home when you get there!!

Now we are all rooting for you. Dont weaken, write a note to yourself to remind you that you are entitled to a life too. Talk to your friends and get their support. Keep pictures of the shambles in every room now, so that you can refer back to them if ever you need reminding what hell it was. Of course if your hip operation is soon you could arrange to stay at a b/b for some weeks after you leave hospital, whilst you recover Gransnetters are all here if you need support and reminding the way to go. Good Luck and enjoy the looks on their faces when you inform them of the way the world is going to change!!!
Madeleine and many others

Lahlah65

RosieandherMaw

Oh I read your final sentence OK but as for What a pity that by the time you achieved all that you appear to have used up today’s supply of intelligence that’s rude and offensive and completely out of order.
The heavy sarcasm also totally misplaced as I cannot believe I am alone in decrying the image of the “little woman unwilling to displease the Lord and master”
That suggests somebody is unaware of what year it is - and it’s not me.

I don’t know anything about your circumstances or background, but a bit more empathy might be helpful here. It doesn’t sound as if you’ve ever actually encountered this situation - I’m assuming your partner and children were happy to take their share of household tasks and genuinely pleased for you. But you must realise that even in 2025 many women are struggling to negotiate equal division of domestic labour, finances etc for all sorts of reasons. Knowing that you have a right to something, and navigating your access to that are not the same thing are they?

I’m sorry if common sense has come across as a lack of empathy, but if you have RTFT I don’t think I am alone in expressing astonishment at OP’s DH’s outdated attitude.
As a retired professional I also don’t take too kindly to being accused of a lack of intelligence though and with three daughters I was also for many years the breadwinner because of DH’s poor health and illness.
OP’s DH sounds as if he may be ashamed of the domestic chaos any cleaner might find which could be why he is so adamantly against the idea. Perhaps OP is too, certainly there is a bigger problem than just coping with housework.
The short term answer is clear - get a cleaner but in the long term the DH and adult sons need to rethink their attitude.
I would have had serious reservations about any potential son in law who took advantage of his mum in this way.

Sorry not helpful but this makes me so glad to be living on my own! Why do you need his permission? He’s being totally unreasonable and just tell him you’re doing it. It’s your home and you have every right and there’s no need to persuade him.

RosieandherMaw

Oh I read your final sentence OK but as for What a pity that by the time you achieved all that you appear to have used up today’s supply of intelligence that’s rude and offensive and completely out of order.
The heavy sarcasm also totally misplaced as I cannot believe I am alone in decrying the image of the “little woman unwilling to displease the Lord and master”
That suggests somebody is unaware of what year it is - and it’s not me.

I don’t know anything about your circumstances or background, but a bit more empathy might be helpful here. It doesn’t sound as if you’ve ever actually encountered this situation - I’m assuming your partner and children were happy to take their share of household tasks and genuinely pleased for you. But you must realise that even in 2025 many women are struggling to negotiate equal division of domestic labour, finances etc for all sorts of reasons. Knowing that you have a right to something, and navigating your access to that are not the same thing are they?

If you do ‘Next Door’ plenty of cleaners on that website I believe.
I would get in a private cleaner, someone recommended, maybe a reference or two. Get them in for 4 or five hours to start with, then 2/3hr a fortnight.
I’ll be doing this when I get my knee replacement. It’s getting low down I can’t deal with.
Tell your husband to suck it up. You are doing it!

BazingaGranny: not sure if your comments was meant this way, but I did have a little chuckle about putting DH and his fish in a cupboard! If only!

JaneJudge: he has a bookshelf, the cupboards under the fish tank, a crate under the coffee table, the top of the coffee table, the dining table, half of the kitchen table...and an entire full height shed outside the patio doors! Not sure he can have any more storage!

Oh I read your final sentence OK but as for What a pity that by the time you achieved all that you appear to have used up today’s supply of intelligence that’s rude and offensive and completely out of order.
The heavy sarcasm also totally misplaced as I cannot believe I am alone in decrying the image of the “little woman unwilling to displease the Lord and master”
That suggests somebody is unaware of what year it is - and it’s not me.

@RosieandherMaw. Congratulations on knowing what year it is. Congratulations on being able to look up the definition of a word and further congratulations on working out that a term which applies only to women and is clearly derogatory is sexist! What a pity that by the time you achieved all that you appear to have used up today’s supply of intelligence ….. just before re-reading my final sentence !

For example I had a home and two children when I was one of mines at home age. This just isn’t possible for them in their 20s now

Mine live at home because of the cost of living 😭 there are so many houses on my street that have multi generational living, even those cultures who traditionally would have married and moved on much younger

“Virago” definition
A domineering, violent, or bad-tempered woman

. I found the use of the word “virago” highly offensive despite your protestations, it’s sexist too. And yes you are calling women who stand up for themselves, expect respect and consideration in a relationship “viragos”
This is 2025 not 1905 for heavens sake and you don’t have to be classed as a “virago” to expect adult men including grown up sons to pull their weight. No wonder they still live at home if mum is such a soft touch!

@RosieandherMaw. We all make compromises. I grew up with a violent and dictatorial father so fitting in with my husband’s feelings was acceptable. He was good, caring and fun. Worth the compromise. Sadly, he changed, I divorced him a few years ago and OMG yes I love being able to make my own decisions. My contribution to this thread (& I’m 75, btw) was intended to show that we have to live alongside others & not everyone feels comfortable acting the virago even if it’s in their best interest. I hoped my suggestion re carers would provide the OP with a gentle solution. And no, I’m not calling any GNs viragos, simply aware from my own experience that maybe the OP might feel like one if she starts laying down the law after years of (possibly) submission.

After doing home visiting work I think it’s easy to say people have varying levels of what they feel is acceptable. Add in a few ‘problems’ fishy men and hoarding fish stuff. It can become overwhelming

A house doesn't get in the state the OP describes overnight. Why sit back and allow the home to get to this state, especially when there are able-bodied adults living there?
I have little patience, I'm afraid. If the husband and sons refuse to help then stop doing anything for them such as cooking etc.
I have a friend who lives in total chaos and every now and then gets a cleaner in but she has to have a major de-clutter before they arrive.

I sympathise. I work full time and live with 3 men. It’s not that stuff doesn’t get done, it’s just we all work full time (one at college) and stuff gets overlooked or doesn’t get done properly and I think this is impacted by my husband and one son working from home, the home is being swallowed up.

Fishy men seem to be a problem too. There are so many fishy men who take over rooms with their fish stuff! I’m going to offer some advice that you may not have thought of but can he have one room dedicated to his fish? Can the lounge have the dining table moved in and he have the dining room just for fish? Or the garage? Or a garden room built? A short or long term solution?

I would book an oven clean. They are really quiet for work in July apparently.

Decluttering will be a joint effort.
Keep
Charity shop
Free cycle/dump

Then book a deep clean. You don’t need permission You are a human being who is having an operation soon and your home needs to work to help aid your recovery

PS Fish food, cleaning materials and other fishy equipment don’t need to take up a huge amount of space, could your husband and the fish have a designated cupboard? 🤨😎

You are having a hip operation soon, your second, this in itself is enough to get a cleaner in at least twice a week plus a deep clean to begin with including the oven.

Hips can be very painful and I’m not surprised your house needs a clean! You are also working full time.

My husband is very ‘good’ about people coming in to clean, decorate or mend etc - he was brought up in a country where this was absolutely the norm. Whereas my father, and some of my friends husbands who were brought up in the UK feel it’s a matter of shame and horror to have anyone in!

And as others have said , including Elowen33
‘I had to look at the date of this post thinking it was from the 1950s, just book a cleaner for a deep clean and then a once a week cleaner’.

Good luck. 💕

We have a weekly cleaner, a gardener and someone to clean the oven. I could do it myself and OH would help but I have other things to do. Unless you’re destitute, just get someone in. It’s your house too.

Regret I wrote that already!

She is not a first time poster.
And works full time and has a lot on her plate. Apologies.

Yet another thread where an op does not return.

Maybe she will in a few days time.

ftm if you’re waiting hip surgery you must be in serious pain and less agile, both reasons why you simply can’t do everything.

Mr C often has to remind himself neither of us can or indeed should do physically what we did at 40, whether that be an oven deep clean or climbing on the roof. I’m more aware of our current reality.

He does the bulk of the heavy cleaning. It took open heart surgery for him to relinquish it. Cleaners came for three months, he could get better and I could relax. During that time I dusted and the cleaners did the rest.

I’m about to suggest a one off deep clean to stabilise us again. Recent,y we’ve both cut corners because of new health issues and I for one certainly have no desire to exhaust myself deep cleaning. It’s 18 months since the cleaners left. He’ll be affronted at first, then I hope realise it gives us a fresh base to work from. Something it sounds as if your home would benefit from.

In your shoes, if conversations fall on uncaring ears, I’d book the oven clean - no mess needs to be cleared away. Then I’d ask an agency to come and assess for regular cleaning. Decent agencies will always want to visit first. This person will say loud and clear what must be tidied away to support a thorough clean or what they can do with your home as it is. Ideally everyone living in the house should hear every word. At the very least your husband must be there.

Assuming the kitchen and bathroom aren’t full of things that shouldn’t be there they should be no problem . At worst you’ll have a clean oven and two clean rooms.

The thought of plastic boxes for your husbands hobby clutter is an excellent one. It could be a huge help and is simple to do. It reminds me of keeping the Lego tidy many years ago.

How are issues usually resolved? With four adults living in the house do you talk things through together or is it assumed you will deal with anything and everything. I suspect the latter.

It’s time to think of yourself. Please begin to take a step forward and simply book an oven clean, then go on from there.

I hope you won’t wait long for your surgery, living with constant pain is hugely debilitating.