Just read an upsetting message on my granddaughters phone

Hope, by now, you have worked out your strategy, helped of course by kind wise words from the Posters.

friendlygingercat

If you snoop through other peoples private writing or evesdrop on their conversations you seldom hear any good of yourself. So its best to be a bit of blind deaf and dumb as you get older,

The OP wasn’t snooping. Her Gdd showed her her phone and the messages were visible.

My dear granddaughter is also autistic and I sometimes used to upset her without me realising I have done anything wrong. She sees the world differently. Maybe this the issue? I now regularly ask her what I could do to be a better grandmother. We also have a signal that she can give me without saying a world if I am doing something that bothers her. works for us.

I agree with others...try to draw a line under it and be cheerful next time you're together. Tbh I think we don't know the half of what is said about us..it isn't necesssarily malice, but general gossip/ negativity or it's someone having a bad day. Once I overheard a couple of acquaintances moaning about me in the hotel corridor at a work event. Ouch.
; A couple of months ago I called my Mum and was telling her about a weekend away. After the convo she didn't hang up properly and proceeded to talk about me to my sister...."i dont know where she gets the money from etc etc." It all stings. but saying something won't help, it just causes embarrassment, and I know myself how I occasionally vent to friends about my family/ work/ neighbours etc etc. I would be mortified if they were listening in. Shouldn't do it but hey we are human..!

Don’t be too upset. I have a grand daughter who I am sure loves me but I know she views me as an ancient of a generation so removed from her that she doesn’t get half of what I am talking about. She loves hearing about my past life but I can see I am regarded as a bit of history that goes on a bit at times! ( She is probably right!)

Your granddaughter must have been just as mortified as you were and probably went home because she felt awkward and didn't know how to deal with you seeing the text. As she still likes spending time with at 16 years old then that alone speaks volumes that you're clearly doing something right and are a lovely gran.

It’s hard but I wouldn’t take it to heart . I find moaning is subjective, one persons throwaway remark , could be considered moaning by another . My DH is a moaner but doesn’t see it . When my AC are home, there’s a lot of eye rolling .
Your dgd obviously feels bad about the text , so I’d just message her to say what a great day you had with her.

Menopausal daughters can be difficult. Last time mine was home she flew into a rage about something I had taken out of the fridge. She accused me of unbelievable things for no reason and went off in a huff.

It's so hard being a teenager.

TBH I’d guess that your Gdd was pretending to agree with her mum to some extent, because she thought that was what her mum wanted to hear. To keep the peace - perhaps it had become a habit with her?

I can absolutely understand why you’re so upset - I would be too, but ultimately I think that’s what I’d deduce. (My dd1 is menopausal and can be very volatile!)
At any rate, I wouldn’t let it cloud your evidently lovely and treasured relationship with your Gdd at all. 💐

Bridget is right - exactly this:

If it were me, I would take her out again and have a cracking time together. She will be looking for reassurance from you that you still love her just the same

Also, two things can be true at once you know.
You can be loved dearly and still be known to moan a bit!
My dear dear "aunt" my mother's cousin - was a terrible "woe is me" person - but also great company and I truly loved her and spending time with her.

I know I'm annoying as can be "picky" about researching and I am known for annoyingly checking facts of things 🙄. Sometimes I really have to stop myself 🤐
BUT I know I am forgiven these irritations as my family now roll their eyes (fondly) and we all can laugh about it. And they still enjoy little outings with me etc...

I think this is a storm in a teacup.

Just remembered, last week on the family WhatsApp chat my daughter wanted to know where to find a particular item for her son's birthday and which "type" was best... my youngest son put "🤣🤣🤣 if you want to know for sure I'd just set Mum on that one"

I'm sure she loves you. 🧡

I do not understand all this fuss about a very mild remark. I wouldn't have thought twice about a remark like this, All of us 'have moans' now and again and we moan to whoever is present.

I might have had a quick review of our conversation that day and realised that yes, I had been a bit moany and to be careful in future, I might admit with an internal thought, that, I was starting to become a bit of a moaner, so should do something about it.

Sorry and all that, but in our family none of us would have been the least bit upset about a trivial remark like this.

Just take a deep breath, hold your head up high and move on. It is too trivial to obsess over. Your DGD clearly loves spending time with you and told her Mum she didn't mind.

Honestly, I think I would have just seen it as a bit of family affection. Families who have a strong bond quite often - well, have a bit of a moan about each other.

They know each other’s faults and they make sort of family jokes about it. Or at least we do. One of my sons is always late to everything. I bet if I looked on my phone there’d be a few texts about it accompanied by an eye roll 🙄 It doesn’t mean we don’t like him. Just the opposite really.

I could hazard a guess at what’s on their phones about me😬

Your granddaughter obviously likes spending time with you or she wouldn’t be there. Trust how you felt while you were actually n her company.

I am very grateful for the responses I have had and I feel so much better in the light of day. So I will close my post now. Thank you all.

friendlygingercar I have never snooped in my life. The previous texts were above the photograph in full view. I could have scrolled up but I did not.

Tuinoma I know my DGD does mask a lot as I hardly ever witness things my DD tells me about what she goes through. I try my best to avoid anything that could upset or stress my DGD, I will do as suggested and send her a text telling her I enjoyed the day immensely (which I did).

I was expecting to read something much worse Bobbydog, not
a bit of a moan

It could have been about the weather, a pain or difficult to find parking or even saying how lovely the area used to be. Are you quite sure you didn't have even a tiny grumble 🤣😂

I agree I'd rather not know what my family say about me behind my back.

Your DGD sounds a sensitive soul like her gran.

Send DGD a loving message saying how much you enjoyed the day and are looking forward to doing it again. That way she knows you are not cross about the message and have no ill feeling without you having to bring it up.

Excellent advice from Luckygirl3 😊

Mum asked if she’s had a good day and DGD replied yes she had. Mum said was she having a moan and DGD said, a bit but I didn’t mind.

Your granddaughter told her mum she'd had a good day with you.
Whatever the "moan" comment referred to was, as she said, nothing that she minded about and probably reflects more on your daughter than you.
It's so easy to tie ourselves up in knots when we only know half the story. Truly, I think you've done nothing wrong and your granddaughter is also feeling absolutely mortified and upset.
Take a deep breath and try to stop overthinking it all xx

It wasn’t your DGD saying ‘was she having a moan’ it was your DD and your DGD only answered ‘a bit, but I didn’t mind’.
Sounds as if it’s your DD at fault not your DGD.
Do you grumble more than you think? Maybe lots of us do without realising?
It wasn’t a kind thing for your DD to say, and I bet she does her share of moaning as well.
Let it go.

OP was not snooping ... DGD showed her the phone and by chance this message was visible.

Next time I saw them I would be totally upbeat and be positive about everything. It will give your daughter something to moan about and I would even add that you came across someone the other day who was a real moaner and that you would hate to come across as said invented person. Next time your daughter moans about the menopause, tell her there are so many things around to support women nowadays, she should stop moaning!

If you snoop through other peoples private writing or evesdrop on their conversations you seldom hear any good of yourself. So its best to be a bit of blind deaf and dumb as you get older,

As has been mentioned up thread do not stress as this is very likely to be her coping mechanism speaking. Autistic kids, especially if they're high functioning are masters at masking their true feelings and react to situations in the way
they they've learned works best for them. In this case i feel she was trying to appease her mum.
Were there any emojis?? I have a diagnosed high functioning autistic granddaughter of similar age. This would have been exactly her reaction. I hope this helps.