My son's wife says she wants a divorce

Just a tip from pragmatic old me - when your son gets his first meeting with a solicitor (and I agree, that should be sooner rather than later) get him to sit down the night before and write a list of things he wants to know. No solicitor will mind him referring to his list. Your son should also jot down the answers as the meeting progresses. In an emotional state it is all too easy to miss the important stuff or get it wrong.

Consult an attorney before she has the opportunity to file for a divorce. You need an attorney who will file a petition for custody and an access order. Doing this will mean you filing for divorce but, it will always mean you protecting your legal rights as a father.

It's often the dormant threads - that's usually a clue. BFN, spammers!

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Jeanie all those approaches have been tried and failed because she is absolutely the controller of all this..she has even tried to change history by saying that he HASN'T taken care of the children - all lies. He has character references from the school and the nursery to prove that. But never in a million years would she move out - it is HER home, they are HER children, the money accrued thanks in part to him enabling her to earn it is all HERS. He is unable to get legal aid because he came to the marriage with a house, which she has COMMANDEERED as half hers - it is now sold but she won't let him realise the equity. He has slept on a sofa bed in the playroom for nearly a year - only using the rest of the facilities in the house like washer, cooker, bathroom when she is out. It is utterly monstrous but what can he do - he just refused to leave his children. But he can't go to court again because last time it cost nearly £2,000 including barrister and solicitor fees. And that not counting the £9,000 already paid to get to that stage! The law is an ass now regarding divorce..legal aid calculations should be based on your net income only and most solicitors believe this too. Blame stupid successive governments. If she was ordered to pay maintenance to him, she would deliberately make herself unemployed.

I'm no expert but if I was in his position
I would not move out as he is taking care of the children, it's the wife who should move out and as she is the main wage earner she should be paying maintenance to him and the children.

However go and seek legal council, it may be possible to receive Legal Aid.

specki you asked were does your son stand legally regarding his children--I have some experience of this as it was much the same for my son, as I was in the dark about the rules I waited on the phone for nearly an hour to speak to a family Law legal adviser, this was her advise to me.

As long as there are no legal restrictions why any parent should not take charge of children then BOTH parties have EQUAL rights until a court says otherwise

As a Mother of a son myself I can feel your pain and feeling of no control, however you/your son is just as much in control as she is.

Cathy yes you're right - we blame ourselves for everything! And I must say Hellbent if my son had married a girl who was at least a little civilised and reasonable it wouldn't have panned out like this. But I'm sorry to say she and her awful family are monsters and will stop at nothing to ruin anyone who gets in their way. Every trick in the book has been used by her and them - even using my precious grandchildren as pawns so that they now don't know who or what they are. Its just going to go on down through the years for them. That pains me more than anything.

ps it was very kind of you to try and help specki

hellbent you say you are the problem and I can sooo relate to that feeling--but--are we really the problem, we tried our best did what we thought was right, its really hard being a Mother, we get it wrong sometimes and then become un kind to ourselves. If I knew then what I know now--how extremely difficult it is to be a Mum, I truly believe that I would have chosen not to be one and that's due to how much I constantly worry about them even though they are fully grown adults

Thank you Hellbent you are quite right - I agree with you entirely. Sadly for my son, there was no way back from their relationship issues. My DIL had been the controller from the very day he slipped the ring on her finger and his emotional wants and needs were never catered for. What she wanted was not a husband but a sperm donor; a chauffeur (so she could drink), a child minder/babysitter (when she had other fish to fry), a rubbing rag, a yes man; someone who would take second place in their home to her father; .....i could go on. I too have blamed myself - I taught him to put a woman on a pedestal and adore and indulge her- both my sons behave like that and they both married control freaks. The difference with my other son is that he is a high earner and the breadwinner, so his position in the relationship is safer.
I'm glad for your family that they are now on track and I envy you - the hell that we have been through and continue to go through is almost too much for our family to bear. We are all worn out with it.

I know this is a relatively old message but I came on here to try to find some answers to my own problem which was very similar to yours. My son was in this very situation and I stupidly believed every word he said. One day, I decided to speak to my DIL having cut off for several years and guess what? My son was not supporting her emotionally. Forget about helping him with a separation, try to get HIM to think about his contribution to the mess. I am certain that if he does some soul searching he will find that he has been playing the martyr and not looking after his wife's emotional needs. My DIL works so hard in a very difficult environment to provide for her family. In the days when the man was the breadwinner, the wife would have been expected to cater for his stresses. (Not that I agree with that) but what I am saying is that it's not just about the physical support. Emotional neglect is hard to take. Suffice to say, my son agreed to marriage counselling and he and my DIL are now back on track. Now my other son is having troubles with his wife too and I have realised that I am the problem. I brought them up with tough love and they passively controlling and have no empathy. At least I have the right advice now though. I hope this advice is not too late for your son.

What a sorry situation - it is so hard, as we all want nothing but the best for our children and GC. But it does sound as though his role as primary carer is going to be recognised which must be a huge relief all round.

It's heartening that the courts are no longer automatically siding with the mother in these cases. Every family deserves individual consideration and I'm very glad your DS is getting credit for his devotion to his children, specki

Good to hear things are feeling a bit better. He needs to continue with the same routine whilst this is sorted out at court.

Pleased to hear the positive news

That is good news specki,stay positivexxxxx

Glad to hear you and your son are both feeling a bit more positive

Good news, specki. If there's any justice in the world, things will turn out well for him. And you.

Here's an update on this. After nearly a month of sleepless nights I'm now sipping a Chivas Regal and lemonade in anticipation of some sleep. My DS finally had a meeting with a lawyer today who told him some very positive news. Since he has, from day one, taken all the responsibility for the childrens' morning routines, (and many afternoons/evenings & weekends too) he's been advised that the courts will recommend that this continues. This is exactly as you predicted When. So he's gone from believing himself about to lose his beloved children to potentially being assured of remaining the primary carer. He and DIL had a Relate appointment this evening but I think in his eyes, this is just a box ticking exercise. My DIL's behaviour in all this has killed all the feelings he had for her. She is even threatening to take them away on Fathers' Day, thats how low she is sinking. I've told him to stay calm and just try to reassure the children of his love for them and all will work out in the end. I hope so.