My son's wife says she wants a divorce

In my experience a solicitor practicing family law would be the best solution to getting the rights of the children organised and then access,parental responsibility,and residency..the childrens needs are paramount..

If equality exists then he would be in the same position as a woman who earned less than her husband but who had contributed to the family life /marriage by caring /supporting and enabling.
Do not move out under any circumstances is always what I have understood. Go to a mediation lawyer for a free initial consultation as soon as possible..

He needs legal advice ...but would agree about not moving out of the marital home ...and would add that he needs to start logging all the time he gives to run/maintain the home and the 'child-minding' time that he gives ...this is all evidence to counteract her claims of 'no support' ...also log all the times she is out of the house/away from the children.

Best wishes in a difficult situation.

He is likely to to have a strong case for custody, but courts will encourage the continuation of shared parenting. She is likely to have to move out of the home and will be in a position to insist on its sale when the youngest reaches 18 - it works both ways, and if he can demonstrate he has been the main carer and she has wanted to pursue her career whilst he looks after the children, the court would be looking at this being continued for consistency for the children.

Thank you Grans and bless you. I have no knowledge of current divorce laws. Just going to email him with all this news - he is quite broken and unable to think straight. Any more advice gratefully received. xx

I think the other Gransnetters given the best advice and it's one that has also been given to women in the same predicament namely: do not leave the matrimonial home otherwise it could be used as your son deserting the children, get legal advice immediatly, with their help try to have a mediation set up to help both parties. I would think that the very least he would expect is the same as a woman would get, custody or shared custody and alimony as she is the so-called major breadwinner. I do wish you all the best of luck, it is going to be difficult for you as you want the best for the children.

Speki I can't help, but ((hug))

Can only echo what Ariadne has just said. I would assume he is entitled to free legal aid at first [I was when my marriage broke up]. You and your son will have the best support going from people on here so you're not in this alone.

Definately seek legal advice. When I left my husband I got 30 mins free advice from a solicitor. I expect most still offer it....it's a sort of taster in the hope you'll give them the divorce business. He can get a lot of information in that half hour.

He mustn't leave the family home until he's taken advice. He has rights even though she's earned the bulk of the cash income. He has supported her with childcare etc.

Here's an update on this. After nearly a month of sleepless nights I'm now sipping a Chivas Regal and lemonade in anticipation of some sleep. My DS finally had a meeting with a lawyer today who told him some very positive news. Since he has, from day one, taken all the responsibility for the childrens' morning routines, (and many afternoons/evenings & weekends too) he's been advised that the courts will recommend that this continues. This is exactly as you predicted When. So he's gone from believing himself about to lose his beloved children to potentially being assured of remaining the primary carer. He and DIL had a Relate appointment this evening but I think in his eyes, this is just a box ticking exercise. My DIL's behaviour in all this has killed all the feelings he had for her. She is even threatening to take them away on Fathers' Day, thats how low she is sinking. I've told him to stay calm and just try to reassure the children of his love for them and all will work out in the end. I hope so.

Good news, specki. If there's any justice in the world, things will turn out well for him. And you.

Glad to hear you and your son are both feeling a bit more positive

That is good news specki,stay positivexxxxx

Pleased to hear the positive news

Good to hear things are feeling a bit better. He needs to continue with the same routine whilst this is sorted out at court.

It's heartening that the courts are no longer automatically siding with the mother in these cases. Every family deserves individual consideration and I'm very glad your DS is getting credit for his devotion to his children, specki

What a sorry situation - it is so hard, as we all want nothing but the best for our children and GC. But it does sound as though his role as primary carer is going to be recognised which must be a huge relief all round.

I know this is a relatively old message but I came on here to try to find some answers to my own problem which was very similar to yours. My son was in this very situation and I stupidly believed every word he said. One day, I decided to speak to my DIL having cut off for several years and guess what? My son was not supporting her emotionally. Forget about helping him with a separation, try to get HIM to think about his contribution to the mess. I am certain that if he does some soul searching he will find that he has been playing the martyr and not looking after his wife's emotional needs. My DIL works so hard in a very difficult environment to provide for her family. In the days when the man was the breadwinner, the wife would have been expected to cater for his stresses. (Not that I agree with that) but what I am saying is that it's not just about the physical support. Emotional neglect is hard to take. Suffice to say, my son agreed to marriage counselling and he and my DIL are now back on track. Now my other son is having troubles with his wife too and I have realised that I am the problem. I brought them up with tough love and they passively controlling and have no empathy. At least I have the right advice now though. I hope this advice is not too late for your son.

Thank you Hellbent you are quite right - I agree with you entirely. Sadly for my son, there was no way back from their relationship issues. My DIL had been the controller from the very day he slipped the ring on her finger and his emotional wants and needs were never catered for. What she wanted was not a husband but a sperm donor; a chauffeur (so she could drink), a child minder/babysitter (when she had other fish to fry), a rubbing rag, a yes man; someone who would take second place in their home to her father; .....i could go on. I too have blamed myself - I taught him to put a woman on a pedestal and adore and indulge her- both my sons behave like that and they both married control freaks. The difference with my other son is that he is a high earner and the breadwinner, so his position in the relationship is safer.
I'm glad for your family that they are now on track and I envy you - the hell that we have been through and continue to go through is almost too much for our family to bear. We are all worn out with it.

hellbent you say you are the problem and I can sooo relate to that feeling--but--are we really the problem, we tried our best did what we thought was right, its really hard being a Mother, we get it wrong sometimes and then become un kind to ourselves. If I knew then what I know now--how extremely difficult it is to be a Mum, I truly believe that I would have chosen not to be one and that's due to how much I constantly worry about them even though they are fully grown adults

ps it was very kind of you to try and help specki

Cathy yes you're right - we blame ourselves for everything! And I must say Hellbent if my son had married a girl who was at least a little civilised and reasonable it wouldn't have panned out like this. But I'm sorry to say she and her awful family are monsters and will stop at nothing to ruin anyone who gets in their way. Every trick in the book has been used by her and them - even using my precious grandchildren as pawns so that they now don't know who or what they are. Its just going to go on down through the years for them. That pains me more than anything.

specki you asked were does your son stand legally regarding his children--I have some experience of this as it was much the same for my son, as I was in the dark about the rules I waited on the phone for nearly an hour to speak to a family Law legal adviser, this was her advise to me.

As long as there are no legal restrictions why any parent should not take charge of children then BOTH parties have EQUAL rights until a court says otherwise

As a Mother of a son myself I can feel your pain and feeling of no control, however you/your son is just as much in control as she is.

I'm no expert but if I was in his position
I would not move out as he is taking care of the children, it's the wife who should move out and as she is the main wage earner she should be paying maintenance to him and the children.

However go and seek legal council, it may be possible to receive Legal Aid.