Bailing out family member again!

In note that you are loathe to "intrude" Beattie, but they seem happy to intrude on your bank balance! So I think you should intrude away to your heart's content.

Tell them that you have decided that any further help will be in the form of a loan with a formal repayment schedule to be signed and agreed with a regular bank transfer set up.

We have done this more than once for DD1 and I'm afraid the well has run dry . At least in terms of immediate responses.

I am a firm believer that you only learn through 'bought experience' . They need to feel the pain because otherwise it's almost like there are no consequences to their behaviour and therefore nothing to stop them doing the same thing over and over.

In the early years we would bail them out and say 'no don't pay us back just get yourself sorted'

Then it was' OK what can you afford to pay us back per month' and after a few months we would write the debt off.

Then it was 'ok but you MUST pay us back' which would start well and inevitably peter off unpaid before the end.

Now I have retired and our income, whilst more than sufficient for us is dramatically reduced. I have said 'no more' . Our DSiL is nearly 50 years old, time to man up I'm afraid !!

Obviously if it was very serious at some stage we would likely help but it has to hurt them first. They manage their money so badly not because they can't manage but because they can't be bothered. So I'm afraid the onus must be on them. Im tougher than my DH

I agree with Tresco its not love to facilitate them. Maybe taking a hard line will be the shock they need?

Is it "helping" to bail out people repeatedly? If there is a genuine unforeseen crisis, or circumstances beyond someone's control, yes I would help. I have done this. If it was repeated requests for money when the person concerned had just been foolish about their choices, then no I probably wouldn't, at least not without evidence of changes in behaviour, because in the long run everyone should learn to be responsible. It's not love to let someone avoid the consequences of their actions.

I have a brother like that - he sponged on my parents all his life, and then on me for a while. Hard to say no, but NO it is from now on.

I was just thinking, thankfully, that DH & I hadn't had to bail out DD & DS, when I suddenly remember that DH bailed out his uncle, some years ago. He is a retired teacher & had made a rather misguided "investment" . We then found out that he had taken his family to Miami -bloody--cheek- ! So DD , urged on by me, asked for the money back, it was a considerable sum !

As long as they keep getting bailed out they will not sort themselves out. My brother and his wife used my parents as a source of money for years, I used to get so angry with both him for asking and them for paying. The times Dad gave them cash only to find they'd paid off the Sky tv bill to keep it going or broadband/mobile phones etc. Finally last year my father told him no more and actually stuck to it, strangely they haven't bothered visiting every week like they used to... says it all really.

enabling is definitely what comes to mind.

obieone Oh yes!

I presume rock bottom changes the mindset for some.

It is quite easy to become an enabler for some people in some situations.

Oh thank you synonymous, such wise words! I have repeatedly asked them to try CAB for help but the answer is always - hopeless you have to gueue for ages! The trouble is what will change the 'mindset' and I am loathe to intrude too much. I am so, so lucky to be solvent but will never ever forget being really broke.

Yes the couple I mentioned go to Disney every year buy designer all sorts have gone through one set of parents entire savings. Continual help would not be right.

Beattie You sound a lovely caring person but sometimes you have to get serious in order to stop your family getting into terrible difficulties later.
Had you thought about putting this on a formal footing as you might be the only person who can help them to start budgeting properly? Perhaps you should make it clear that you expect the money back by writing it all down and getting them to sign an agreement to pay it back at so much per month. They may even feel better doing this and it would help avert family squabbles which can be truly devastating.
CAB can help with this and would help them with debt management and even with freezing interest and much more. You may be the only person clear sighted enough to help in this way and perhaps you would be wise to go and see someone at the CAB yourself first to work out the way to do it. My best wishes to you.

tanith you are spot on!

I am like you gillybob but part of me is Mad because they are just not facing the reality of life today i.e. If you don't pay a fine it escalates out of control, etc. stating they need private medical attention as the NHS wont help!!!!!!!!

I don't think I could ever turn down a family members cry for help, no matter how often I had helped in the past. Blood is most definitely thicker than water and I could not relax knowing that I had turned them away in their time of great need.

I appreciate it can be annoying when they don't seem to "learn by their previous mistakes" but unless they were living over extravagantly (at my expense) I would carry on offering to help, assuming of course that I was in the position to do so.

I don't do "tough love" tanith

Its got to be tough love Beattie, if you really can't do it today then make it absolutely clear this is the last time they are to approach you for help..some people need to hit the bottom before they WAKE UP!! good luck

My DS's SIL and BIL are constantly getting into enormous debt as a result of their ridiculous spending habits. Both sets of parents have bailed them out more than once but I think the safety net has at last been withdrawn. I can't see what else would help, apart from a kick up the bum.