Will....Another question on fairness

I think your way is fairer, Coolgran65. If your DSC and DS get on well, this will ensure that they still will. Leaving more to your DS could cause resentment. And it looks as though your way is what your DH would have wanted.

Maggiemaybe your response has understood my reasoning in a nutshell.
DS and DSC all get on well.
I don't want to do anything that could cause resentment but want to be fair to my ds.
Guess I just needed a little reassurance following the comment of my friend, which was meant kindly.

Whatever you do discuss it with off- spring first either singly, together or both. Ask for their thoughts. The worst thing is getting a nasty surprise when you are dealing with death & you can't fathom out why. Beware of the emotional legacy you leave behind for which you will be remembered by for a long time not just by the person you've hurt. The worst legacy is to use the Will as an act of revenge- a sign of real cowardice if not cruelty. My Mum died unexpectedly last week. Thankfully, as I knew I was an Executor, a few weeks ago I persuaded her I needed to know, especially as my sister knew & had been involved in changes & tried to make sure she had signed it & make the solicitor Executor. It favoured her & for a reason I found difficult but it stopped the puzzling why. Mum hadn't signed the new Will but she'd left a letter of wishes with a bequest to my sister so I shall morally, if not legally, be obliged to sign her a cheque. Thankfully, in that short time, I'd been able to process it & defuse the rawness of the feelings so that I can arrange the funeral etc with my sister - on the surface at least amicably. It's also important if you write a Letter of wishes to get someone to check grammar & clarity. It can make a great difference!

I have discussed my will with my children as my father did his with us. Might you consider discussing it with your son?

Both Wills have been mentioned to each of them, just in conversation, several times over several years regarding the general bones of it which has not changed. Noone was asked their opinion. Noone including my ds made any negative comment about the contents.
Regarding wishes, my dh knows to provide funds from my estate to pay for travel home for those (my ds and one dss) living far away. For those living local they don't get travel funds.

Luckygirl your comment about considering discussing it with my son.... are you speaking generally i.e. offspring should know what parents' Wills will contain. Or do you mean I should consider discussing it with him because you wonder about the fairness? If I'm overthinking your comment please forgive me.

Ours a lot less complicated. Whichever shuffles off first leave the lot to the other one. When that one also shuffles off, all goes equally to the kids.

Why are you bothering to think about who owned what, and when and where?

Still. Whatever lights yer candle. [shrug]

They can pay their own bus fares to the funeral!!!

well said jinglebellsfrocks - by far the best solution.

Definitely over thinking!

We discussed it with ours, that's all. It seemed the right thing for us to do; but others might feel differently.

When the last of us two pegs out, everything is shared between the children, with a comment that, if they are able and if it seems appropriate, we hope that they might be able to pass some on to the GC as well. We added that because my Dad left a lump sum to each of the GC , with the remainder shared between us (his own children). Unfortunately one of his GS's has spent his on drugs - Dad would be horrified. I wanted the children to have some discretion over this, depending on the circumstances at the time. I know that they would wish to share any legacy with their own children and we want them to decide this at their discretion.

I can see that it is slightly more complicated for you because of the step-children situation.

jings I gave a history of who owned what before marriage because I didn't want to drip feed information and because this had some bearing on my friend's suggestion which prompted my original post.

Also with regard to bus fares to the funeral... 2 offspring live at a great distance. In each case there are two adults and a dgc. Recently a trip home for ds and family was priced at £4,,500 for flights which were planned and thus cheaper than a short notice trip.

These offspring living distant don't know that I've made provision to cover their travel expenses.

Those local could pay their own bus fares

What do you do if the SC have no GC whereas my son and our 2 children have 2 each.
The SC are too old to have or adopt children, and in one case have stated their intention to leave their money to animal charities. We do not want any of our inheritance to go to animal charities, but to our GC but through their parents inheriting from us.
I wonder if the statement about leaving their money to animal charities was to tell us that our children and hence our G children would not inherit from them.

Difficult to leave a legacy with conditions on how they use it, i.e. not to be left to any animal charities. That's a hard one.
Would they understand the feelings of yourself and your dh?

Coolgran, I'm sure your friend means well. But I take it you've already made this decision with DH and you say all the DC are fine with it. I wouldn't change a thing.

Lyndyn, I trust you realize that your SC are under no obligation to leave their inheritance to your GC by other children. And that once they inherit, the money is theirs to do with as they choose.

I can only speculate as to why one SC made a point of telling you where their money would go. It might, in fact, be to let you know it won't be going to your GC/their nieces and/or nephews, as you and DH might have hoped/expected. That SC may not want the GC or their parents to have false expectations or be hurt/shocked/disappointed, down the road.

If you want your GC to inherit a little more from you than just what they will get through their parents, you might set things up so they inherit directly from you. But that would, of course, mean having a little less to divide between their parents and your SC.

There is such a thing as leaving a life interest in property or money to someone which on their death goes to the GC you wish to receive it but there are many implications and you would need professional advice. In this day of low, non-existent or even negative interest rates it could have unintended consequences and be a poisoned chalice.
Once you are gone you won't be there to worry about it and the only sure thing is that you can't take it with you!

Coolgran couldn't you give them the money for their fares now, and tell them to bank it? That way they will know they are expected to attend.

I might do that with mine. Petrol money.

The problem with leaving the bulk of residue to the survivor is that they could change their will and leave everything to their own children. Also if they remarried and died before making a new Will everything is likely to go to the new spouse. With second marriages and mixed children I would always recommend a trust built into the Will.

Whatever you decide to do please please do make sure that you have been fair to all concerned. My parents were divorced years before their deaths but both of them left wills which ended up causing so much trouble because they were quite simply manifestly unfair and biased. Sadly the amounts involved were so large that it was bound to cause trouble and indeed it did and neither parent had had the sense to talk through their wishes before they died. They had both been treated very fairly when they had inherited from their families and parity had been paramount but they chose to take a different position with their own wills and two of their four children were simply ignored. The damage has been immeasurable.

It's not always compulsory for the wishes in a will to be followed, if all beneficiaries are in agreement.
So if, say, all is left to A and B but they agree with C and D that it should have been divided four ways, then they can just do that.

I am all for people knowing the contents of their parents will. Although my brother was told the contents when my mother made her will he was most aggrieved that I carried out her wishes to the letter.

Split into 3, Simples!

But there are 4 of them, grannylyn

jings they would be attending anyway..... No need to let anyone know it's expected.

Methinks you like to give the pot a little stir now and again - I always look forward to your points of view.