never lend to family

We are also of the opinion that money is more beneficial now, rather than later, re helping with properties etc, and as a result gave 2 DDs the same amount. Like many posters, we have said that they'd get it anyway, but now I worry that our assets may disappear to care homes. I know that if I died, DH would definitely need care. I have seen this happening to friends. A couple of years of care eats up a large proportion of finance.

I agree that giving is much better than lending. My attitude is that I'd rather my children got my money now when they have many commitments, rather than having it go to the hatchet faced owner of a care home when I'm older

I've been in a similar situation. The problem was compounded by other family members making judgements which did not help the situation. Sibling rivalry and petty jealousies came into play too. I made it quite clear it was between myself and DS. It does make relationship with other DC difficult but I would have done the same for them if it had been necessary. If I thought that DS had the readies and all other avenues had failed, I would pursue in the small claims court. Maybe the threat will sharpen him up!

I think that there are circumstances when you might give money to children, and in most families the parents would want to give equal amounts to each of their children. For instance if the parents have some sort of windfall, lottery win or inheritance.

I also think that in some circumstances it makes sense for a parent who can afford it to lend money on an interest free basis rather than have the child borrow elsewhere and pay a lot of interest to a lender. For instance you might want to lend your adult child money to buy a much needed car and when you do so put something in writing regarding agreed repayment schedule.

This is being a helpful and caring parent, but still being business-like and most children would be very grateful. The parents should tell their other children they had done this but need not also lend them money unless the need arose.

Sorry to hear of your situation caz55. We have lent to both our DC for various reasons.
Our daughter is very sensible and we lent her the stamp duty to buy a property, she had been saving for 11 years since university which we paid for, she did not come out with a loan. Had she not bought two years ago she still would be saving now. Unfortunately we live in a very expensive area. She has paid over half back already and is desperate to pay the rest as soon as she can.
Our son racked up debts on credit cards to pay for clothes, holidays and Champagne and this was whilst living at home. Twice I have paid off his debts and he has now paid most of this back as I let him off some of it. He has now moved into a rented flat which we have also helped furnish and set up.
Good for you Gononsuch if you can afford to give it away but we are not wealthy and my children do not expect us to support them forever. Of course we will always help them in whatever way we can.

I am sorry caz that you are in this sad position. I would do anything not to be kept away from my grandchildren.
I have always lent money with the attitude that I can bear the loss if it is not repaid. We loaned a smallish sum to one of our sons and my ex made his life miserable repeatedly asking when it was going to be repaid. Poor lad repaid in full as soon as he could. Now I am on my own my needs are few and I give to my offspring where I can, one of them far more than the others because the need is greater and fortunately the other two are happy with that.
I twice lent money to friends in difficulties and both times was repaid, one in cash and the other in kind.
But when our 'lovely' old apple-cheeked mobile knife-grinder, who had visited for years, begged me to help him with a small loan, under £20, to mend his van, I had a sense that it wasn't a good idea but felt sorry for him, gave it him and wrote it off in my mind. I later discovered that he had done the same to many of my neighbours and sure enough was never seen in our road again.

People's circumstances vary so some parents really do need to lend, rather than give, money to grown-up children. I am trying to be as supportive as I can as a friend is going through this yet again with her son - he just doesn't seem able to handle money, has had costly disastrous relationships, and two children to support. My friend has said so many times that she really can't bale him out again but then, when she gets a desperate message (as she did last week), I know it's hard for her to ignore.

We were fortunate in being able to give our son money 10 years ago towards a deposit on a flat in London that otherwise he would not have been able to afford to buy. We told our daughter who, with her husband, already owned a flat, that the same amount was available for her too and she took it up when she needed help with paying for a course and later, to reduce their mortgage.

I feel so sad for your situation caz55 and wish you well in working out the best way forward for you in dealing with it.

I've always felt that money given to my children has been given rather than lent. I've only given what I could afford, and taken great pleasure in seeing them make good use of it. Having said that, if I were in difficulty, I know that my children would be there to help out. I might feel differently if I thought I was being taken for granted!

I never lend my son money. It is always given. It is usually for a very good reason, and if he is in need, and I have it, then I'd rather he had it now when he needs it than leave him struggling until I die. Horrid for everyone. He very much appreciates the gifts, loves me and shows me, and there's good feeling all around.

I just don't get it.

Grand Parents and Parents talking about LENDING money to their nearest and dearest.

Give me strength, You're children were born because you wanted them, if you've got money let them have it and stop worrying about wills.

We've always given money to our children, rather than lend. After all, they'd get it when we die anyway. We are always fair, what one gets, the other gets. As your son has been so nasty, I'd make sure he didn't get anything in your will. As for the loan, I'd tell him you are no longer going to pursue it.

How wretched for you. Suggest leave "his" share of any inheritance directly to grandchildren with a letter explaining why you lost contact with them.

I have only ever lent small sums to DC, and that was in that very uncertain period between getting through university and getting their first proper job. Most of their financial problems were through inexperience. I nver gave them money, always lent it and with an agreed monitored repayment schedule, which was always honoured.

A friend lent a large sum of money to one child as a deposit to enable them to buy a home, but did it with the active involvement and agreement of their second child and the lender changed her will so that the outstanding loan will be written back into her assets when she dies and her child will repay it from his inheritance.

I would never give or lend any money to either of my children without discussing the issue through with the other one.

it was always made clear to him it was money lent and to start with he was very good at paying back by standing order , but over time that stopped if id known then what i know now id have handled it very differently written agreement , marked on bank statements, but you don't expect your own children to do the dirty on you . I have many text messages from him acknowledging he owes the money some even saying he will pay back when he can and then the ones saying you not fit to be my parents and you won't get a penny.
He even owed SIL money for a while which she lent him to help him by MIL house which he got at reduced price that took a long time for her to get back.
He even refused to go to his GM funeral because he knew he would have to see family , really don't know what i done to deserve him .

As a precaution I suggest you write down why he has been left out of your will so there is proof should be decide to contest it.

Did you make it clear to your son that the money was a loan? So often when out kids ask for money they think we are giving it freely. I think you will find it difficult to prove in court that he owes £7000 as theres no written documentation. When my kids want to borrow money I pay it into their bank accounts and mark it as a loan as proof.

How very sad for you all.

lucky girl at the time we lent him the only we got on well , it was only after asked for it back he turned on us .
We needed it back as wanted to help out younger brother with house deposit and he was told this ,also had change in circumstances as had GD age 1 come to live with us under SGO so he was well aware of why we needed it.
He has certainly been left out of will and the sad thing is so will eldest son as his wife has sided with MS and won't let us see his DD although we see him as he works with DH and will not stand up to his wife (maybe Ill give him a pair of balls or a back bone).
I have opened savings accounts for 3 GS we don't see and make regular deposits for them so when they are older they will know we thought about them.

The small claims court now allows claims of up to £10,000. I used it successfully against a company who installed a faulty fuse box and it was very simple. In the event they didn't defend the claim and I believe this is quite common.

I think you should consult a solicitor, many will give the first consultation free. Or you could try the small claims court.

Your son should not be allowed to get away with this. I often less lend my children money and insist it's repayed, though I often let them off the last few payments.

Totally agree with jane10- just get it legally deducted from his inheritance, to be fair to the other children- and let it drop. Your grandchildren are too precious for this.

been there, done that - and yes- we have written them off.

Just wondering, did you ask him to repay because you need the money yourself for an important reason- and for the principle.

If he knows the money would make little difference to you- and you are making a point/principle- then he is more likely to 'rebel' than he he knows you need it to replace the boiler or a new kidney.

If he had cut all contact with me, stopped us seeing the GC and told everyone we were crap parents, there is no way he would be left any thing in my will and a letter would be left telling him why.

Petra's right. Just remove it from what he might have had in your will. Note it too. Then just forget about it. Court etc will just make it 10times worse. Just be dignified about it.

I don't know if the 'middle' son will still be a beneficiary (sp) in your will after all the problems you've had, but if he is, I would reflect this in the amount he gets.