never lend to family

How sad that you have this rift in the family - why did you lend him money if you did not get on with him?

Better to give than lend and, if you do lend, never lend more than you can afford to lose.

As far as legal recourse for repayment is concerned, I think you should consult a solicitor. If legal costs will be considerable – and they often are – you may be wiser to write off the whole experience, including your middle son if that's what you really want to do. Bear in mind also that just because there is a judgement that money should be repaid doesn't mean that it will actually happen.

I agree about giving instead of lending although I realise it is not possible for some.
We have worked on the principle that they will get it when we die so would rather them have it at a time of need.
If I really needed it back I would set up a realistic repayment schedule and expect it to be kept.

Oh dear, how sad.
I agree that a loan should really be viewed as a gift.
We've lent to different folks in the past, including DC, and most has been repaid eventually without our having to ask.
If you cannot "write off" the money and just accept (or indeed be able to afford) as a loss then you can easily take out County Court proceedings to recover the money. Presumably you know where he lives? Involving solicitors, IMHO, would be inflammatory-and unnecessarily expensive.

Think it will be difficult to get the money back caz55 as it seems it was not in one loan but over a period of time. Try the High Court and Sheriff's office.
Not sure if I agree with giving rather than a loan as I think people should face up to their responsibilities and pay back money which has helped them out.

I don't know if the 'middle' son will still be a beneficiary (sp) in your will after all the problems you've had, but if he is, I would reflect this in the amount he gets.

Petra's right. Just remove it from what he might have had in your will. Note it too. Then just forget about it. Court etc will just make it 10times worse. Just be dignified about it.

If he had cut all contact with me, stopped us seeing the GC and told everyone we were crap parents, there is no way he would be left any thing in my will and a letter would be left telling him why.

been there, done that - and yes- we have written them off.

Just wondering, did you ask him to repay because you need the money yourself for an important reason- and for the principle.

If he knows the money would make little difference to you- and you are making a point/principle- then he is more likely to 'rebel' than he he knows you need it to replace the boiler or a new kidney.

Totally agree with jane10- just get it legally deducted from his inheritance, to be fair to the other children- and let it drop. Your grandchildren are too precious for this.

I think you should consult a solicitor, many will give the first consultation free. Or you could try the small claims court.

Your son should not be allowed to get away with this. I often less lend my children money and insist it's repayed, though I often let them off the last few payments.

The small claims court now allows claims of up to £10,000. I used it successfully against a company who installed a faulty fuse box and it was very simple. In the event they didn't defend the claim and I believe this is quite common.

lucky girl at the time we lent him the only we got on well , it was only after asked for it back he turned on us .
We needed it back as wanted to help out younger brother with house deposit and he was told this ,also had change in circumstances as had GD age 1 come to live with us under SGO so he was well aware of why we needed it.
He has certainly been left out of will and the sad thing is so will eldest son as his wife has sided with MS and won't let us see his DD although we see him as he works with DH and will not stand up to his wife (maybe Ill give him a pair of balls or a back bone).
I have opened savings accounts for 3 GS we don't see and make regular deposits for them so when they are older they will know we thought about them.

How very sad for you all.

Did you make it clear to your son that the money was a loan? So often when out kids ask for money they think we are giving it freely. I think you will find it difficult to prove in court that he owes £7000 as theres no written documentation. When my kids want to borrow money I pay it into their bank accounts and mark it as a loan as proof.

As a precaution I suggest you write down why he has been left out of your will so there is proof should be decide to contest it.

it was always made clear to him it was money lent and to start with he was very good at paying back by standing order , but over time that stopped if id known then what i know now id have handled it very differently written agreement , marked on bank statements, but you don't expect your own children to do the dirty on you . I have many text messages from him acknowledging he owes the money some even saying he will pay back when he can and then the ones saying you not fit to be my parents and you won't get a penny.
He even owed SIL money for a while which she lent him to help him by MIL house which he got at reduced price that took a long time for her to get back.
He even refused to go to his GM funeral because he knew he would have to see family , really don't know what i done to deserve him .

I have only ever lent small sums to DC, and that was in that very uncertain period between getting through university and getting their first proper job. Most of their financial problems were through inexperience. I nver gave them money, always lent it and with an agreed monitored repayment schedule, which was always honoured.

A friend lent a large sum of money to one child as a deposit to enable them to buy a home, but did it with the active involvement and agreement of their second child and the lender changed her will so that the outstanding loan will be written back into her assets when she dies and her child will repay it from his inheritance.

I would never give or lend any money to either of my children without discussing the issue through with the other one.

How wretched for you. Suggest leave "his" share of any inheritance directly to grandchildren with a letter explaining why you lost contact with them.

We've always given money to our children, rather than lend. After all, they'd get it when we die anyway. We are always fair, what one gets, the other gets. As your son has been so nasty, I'd make sure he didn't get anything in your will. As for the loan, I'd tell him you are no longer going to pursue it.

I just don't get it.

Grand Parents and Parents talking about LENDING money to their nearest and dearest.

Give me strength, You're children were born because you wanted them, if you've got money let them have it and stop worrying about wills.

I never lend my son money. It is always given. It is usually for a very good reason, and if he is in need, and I have it, then I'd rather he had it now when he needs it than leave him struggling until I die. Horrid for everyone. He very much appreciates the gifts, loves me and shows me, and there's good feeling all around.

I've always felt that money given to my children has been given rather than lent. I've only given what I could afford, and taken great pleasure in seeing them make good use of it. Having said that, if I were in difficulty, I know that my children would be there to help out. I might feel differently if I thought I was being taken for granted!

People's circumstances vary so some parents really do need to lend, rather than give, money to grown-up children. I am trying to be as supportive as I can as a friend is going through this yet again with her son - he just doesn't seem able to handle money, has had costly disastrous relationships, and two children to support. My friend has said so many times that she really can't bale him out again but then, when she gets a desperate message (as she did last week), I know it's hard for her to ignore.

We were fortunate in being able to give our son money 10 years ago towards a deposit on a flat in London that otherwise he would not have been able to afford to buy. We told our daughter who, with her husband, already owned a flat, that the same amount was available for her too and she took it up when she needed help with paying for a course and later, to reduce their mortgage.

I feel so sad for your situation caz55 and wish you well in working out the best way forward for you in dealing with it.