never lend to family

I feel for you it is hard have you kept the text's? If so they should help in small claims .I wouldn't give up on him yet I would try again by writing to him saying how much you love him and want him in your life and that you hope you both can get over this hurt.If he could just set up a dd for at least say £70/80 a month or whatever you think.If that doesn't do anything then I would take him to court and face the fact he doesn't really care about you and the rest of the family. It will be hard and I would definitely not have him in my will.Stating why I have the feeling he is the sort of person that would try to fight it otherwise. Good luck to you I hope it works out in a happy way .

Or maybe grandparents get tired of being viewed as being nothing more than the easiest bank in town.
Disappointing but best not to let yourself be used

What a sad situation kids can be such a problem I do hope it doesn't come to you all being estranged over money

Gononsuch I disagree. Our children need to learn to be financially responsible and I have seen too many cases where children in there 40s and older are still financially immature and 'bad' with money because they simply turn to their parents for gifts of money every time their financial extravagance gets them into trouble. I have seen parents in poverty because their children have bled them dry.

You sometimes have to be cruel to be kind. When my children were making their small financial mistakes in their late teens and early 20s I only ever lent money and I was strict about repayments. Now they are in their 40s they manage their money responsibly and do not see us as a 'Get out of gaol' card if they spend extravagantly. And now I do give them money on occasion, sometimes for a reason. Some times for no reason at all.

So often we have threads on Gransnet from parents who have given/done everything for their children because they want them to grow up 'happy' with everything they want; endless childcare, help with anything they want, a supply of money and then find when they have to stop this because of health problems, or because they have no money left. They then find they do not have loving caring children ready to help them when they need it, but angry child adults turning on their parents for being 'selfish' in stopping giving when they can do it no more.

Had a discussion with a financial adviser today, and he said that his hardest job is trying to get pensioners to see that the money they have is theirs to do with as they like.
I think there is a bit of this on here.
I think you will have to write it off and put it down to experience.
Make sure your son knows that, in case there is any chance he will relent about you seeing your grandchildren, if that is what you want.
Can you borrow from either of your other children? With the proviso that he gets more in the will?

Yes we have lent money to DDs, the same as others have said, so they don't pay interest. DD1 and SIL will need to replace their car within the next 12 months so we have said they MUST have the money from us and just set up a standing order to repay with no interest.
We have lent them money in the past when they were just setting up home and it was all repaid without our having to ask.
I don't think you should be taken for a fool or blackmailed over seeing DGC but there is no easy answer to that one. Personally I would do anything to keep in contact with my DGC.

If you want the money rather than need it, as you have other children I suggest that in your will, if you are dividing money between all of them, that you make it clear the money he owes should be deducted and split between the other 2 before the rest of the money is divided equally. If you are not including him in your will he is the loser in the end, so just try to forget about it. If you need the money, of course you must try to get it back which, I think, must mean consulting a solicitor. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

peaceatlast that's my view too. I wouldn't give my grown up children money without a jolly good reason. I recently lent my daughter and SiL £4,000 (interest free) to upgrade their central heating system as if they had taken out a loan to do so it would have entailed interest.

I don't believe in paying interest. I'd rather keep the money in the family than pay banks etc..

They have proved they are good at repaying in the past so I trust them on this. I lent money to my late sister which she never made any effort to repay and when she asked for a second loan I refused.

I don't think I'm being mean or hard but my children were brought up to value money and both had weekend and holiday jobs and worked to supplement their grants through university, still managing to get good degrees.

That should have read that I would have given my DDs anythimg.....

We have recently given both DDs very substantialt sums to buy property (inherited money) DD 1 has had twice as much as DD2 so our wills have been changed to reflect this .Both know and and DD2 is quite happy with it (she doesn't actually see the need, but we do!) .They have both been brought up to understand that fair doesn't always mean equal(at least not at the time)
Dd1is borrowing a further £10,000 to refurbish and furnish .We could afford to give it to her tbh but she and we feel 'enough is enough'She will ultimately get a lodger and the rent will be the repayments.It hasn't occurred to us to set up formal agreement ....
I too believe in giving the DDs money when they need it if you can do so without compromising your own situation..Both ours are well aware of how fortunate they are and would not dream of making demands on us

It is all very kind to give adult children money rather than lend. I would give my DDs again but one has a DH who does not work eats take aways rather than make a meal he does not even make a sandwich he will buy them at high cost. DD maybe willing to work all hours to keep this lazy man but I dont want to.
Other Dd had a drug taker now has aomeone I feel unsure about. She seems to be more stuck for money now than when she had a druggie in the house. She was complaining about the cost of DGC clothes so I offerred to buy the clothes but I got nipped at and not spoken to since.
I dont know what all is going on but I dont want to be financing other peoples adult children.

My ex husband gave a loan to my Son without consulting me it was a large sum of money. My son did not tell his wife when we divorced things took a turn for the worse and I told my son that his wife needed to know about the debt he still refused to tell her so I forced the issue. This has resulted in my Son not talking to me it has been 6 months now and I have not seen my grandchildren I am very upset that he has taken his wife's side when we did him a favour !

Giving money too readily doesn't encourage a sense of responsibility so lending can be the best option. Anyway, how do we know we won't need it ourselves at a later date. I gave one of mine money for her wedding and the other got the deposit for his first flat purchase. After that it would be loans only as who knows what's round the corner. I would be in no doubt I would get it back. I would be in no doubt they would lend money to me in the unlikely event of me needing it.

yes he was helped to buy his house in fact he had mil house at a very good price and YS also knew it would be a loan to get them started

the point is we don't have the money we are not well off by any means he needed the money to get himself out of debt and now we are the ones in debt because we helped him ,

on the other hand I have recently found out that 2 of my Children have lent money to their Dad ! He has no intention of repaying it , they are philosophical about it at the moment but I can see fireworks when they try to claim from his estate , the other Children have no idea

Seven years ago I lent my brother £70,000 for six months to prevent him from going bankrupt. He signed a statement to this effect.
Since then I have continually asked him when he is going to pay us back and the answer is always "in January when I've sold one of my properties "or "in April when I get my pension "and many more excuses too numerous to mention. He doesn't ever contact us it's always me who makes contact with him. We have recently moved house to a more expensive area and need the money for renovations,needless to say it still hasn't materialised.
My son in Australia always pays for my flights when I visit and uk son pays for us to go on holiday abroad with them each year. They are both aware of the situation.
I'm writing this as a cautionary tale to anyone who is thinking of lending money!

We have lent our son money in the past and he has always repaid it, but we wrote off the money when he was getting married. My daughter never needed a loan so it wouldn't have been fair to just give him the money. We have paid for things for her though which probably equalised the situation. I wonder caz55 if your MS resents you needing the money to put down a deposit on a house for your younger son. Did you do the same for MS?

It's a very sad situation and there is no call for him to have disowned you like this.

Print out the texts so that you don't lose them and then sue if you need the money. It is a verbal contract evidenced in writing by his texts and that is enforceable. You can also go straight to a bankruptcy notice but a small claims case is probably better.
It is a bit sad though. I had to apologise some years ago because I hadn't been able to repay my mother some money she had lent me when I had expected to and she said 'oh I've forgotten about that'. It wasn't as much as you had lent but still a considerable amount. Now she won't take anything but I worry that she could do with more care than she can pay for.
Hopefully a summons would be enough to produce a response, most cases don't get to court, but some people never pay and don't really care about judgments. Would you be prepared to send in bailiffs.

I give money, not lend, at least we can see where it goes. When they inherit it could be frittered away on holidays we could only dream of

There was a phone in on This Morning itv about lending money to family and friends and there was some good advice given, worth a watch on catch up tv.

I agree with Kathryn. In the end you have to decide what you actually want - is it worth all the grief? I would say not, and as unfair as it is to lose this money, wouldn't it be so much better to try and repair your relationship? I don't condone his behaviour for a minute, but who knows if you back down and say OK let's stop this all and I'll gift the remaining amount to you, he may rethink his behaviour and feel rather guilty! as well he should stopping you from seeing your grandchildren! sometimes though we need to back down even though we are in the right to resolve a situation. I hope you all the best and hope it all works out.

It is a sad situation and it seems your son has no intention of paying you back and finding elaborating reasons not too, I would right off the debt and formally tell him it is a gift. I would then give some time as he will have no reason to continue with the nasty comments and he will have to deal with that himself. You have a right to see your grandchildren so I would ask to allow visits and maintain contact via letters etc... So your grandchildren always know you you wanted to be apart of their lives (take copies of letters as when they are older of the letters are not passed on they can read them). Hopefully in tome you can build a relationship back with your son. This situation happened in my family and at the final stages of my nans life she wanted to make up and settle the hurt in her heart but passed away before this could happen, sometimes it really os too late.

I think the Small Claims Court is your best option and the text evidence should be sufficient to pursue the claim. It may not go that far, once he receives a summons it may "shame" him into repaying the debt. However, although you say it doesn't bother you to "sue" him because you don't really care if you never have contact again, "never" is a long time especially where grandchildren are concerned.

Hi Libmoggy

Are you on twitter, if you are you've really got to keep you're wits about you now, I'll soon find out because I' sending you a welcome