Splitting up - managing on State Pension (scared)

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought. Re moving to a much bigger town, it is appealing in a way but - it is over an hour away, I know no one there,so even though there is no doubt a lot going on I would rather be within half hour or closer to good friends, and in a smaller but friendly market town, which as quite a few groups I can join.

Meadowgran thanks for reminder about email frauds, I'd heard about that a while ago. You'd have thought by now they would all have taken steps to guard against this,but will check.

I am off to a third little town today to collect for Cat Protection .I will have a wander and see how it feels. I will check on all three possibles to see how many thriving social clubs they have.One place I have almost discounted as I feel it is quite cliquey and they don't seem very friendly to outsiders!

When we were moving and retiring ans sorting ourselves out, I did loads of 'back of the envelope' calculations.
I found it a useful exercise as it made me think things through, and salute your courage and foresight.
I would say that as far as possible, use some capital to 'future proof' whatever dwelling you choose: good insulation, accessible bathroom etc.

I have some tips about relocating as we have done it many times, but have settled now and don't intend moving again. It's important to check out the neighbourhood, and at different times of the day - and night - before you commit yourself. It may be obvious but we have discovered this to our cost two or three times in the past. If you are unsure it's best to rent for 6 months first and get a feel for the place, this is costly and unsettling, but better than making a mistake. Draw up a list of pros and cons, there is always a compromise to be made, as anyone who watches "Location" will know! Maintenance and running costs were high on our list as we are retired, but above all, location, location, location! Shops, transport links, doctors, hospitals etc.

Lots of good advice on here from people who have done this kind of move before Seacliff I would just like to say good luck to you for the future, because this must be a really difficult and worrying time for you. ?

Thanks Roses and all others, your advice and support means a lot to me.

I feel very alone, it is me pushing this split forward as I truly feel I can't carry on like we are, my health and happiness are suffering.

OH won't address the issues in any way, and after more than 2 years I have had enough. He agrees with me, but won't take any action. So I am having to take the first step and make it happen, which is scary and not my nature. I have been driven to it. I haven't told all the family yet, not sure whether to leave it until after Christmas.

I might sound like a " hard-hearted Hannah", but I certainly wouldn't be giving money to my sons. As someone else said, wait a ( long) while till you see how your finances are looking.
It's time to put yourself first. Good luck in your new life. X

seacliff I know just how you are feeling , I did the same several years ago . All I can say is that like you my health and happiness was really suffering in an unhappy marriage . There are a few things I would do differently if I knew what I know now but I am much, much happier . Make sure you see a solicitor - one you feel is on your side- and go to Age Uk to find out about benefits etc. I accepted a poor deal because I felt so guilty about ending the marriage so was pretty hard up at the beginning and had to relearn to budget . Good luck in your new, much happier life

Good luck from me too, seacliff .

I can only repeat what f77ms wrote. There are some things I would have done differently and I definitely made mistakes, but you'll come out of it OK.

It sounds as though you're thinking about the future much more than I did. Like f77ms, I felt guilty and I was told by my ex's family and him that it was all my fault. The truth was that I'd never really looked after myself.

Keep coming back if you have wobblies. Loads of us have been there.

Seacliff this is so hard for you. I had to sell my house when my dh died. I didn't make a move until I sold my house and had some capital. It's more complicated in your case because I guess you will have to share with your partner. Once the house was sold I rented for 8 months while I looked for a flat. Whatever you decide make sure your new home is suitable for the years to come. You could wait until after Christmas to set things in motion because things seem to come to a standstill at this time of year. Keep posting and let us know how you get on. GN kept me sane while I was going through unheavals.

Yes, keep posting. And nearer launch(!) I'm sure we've all got money managing tips to share. You can have my budget breakdown if it will help. ??

Seacliff, you are a brave lady, and you are doing the right thing. It is time to put yourself first, you will be so much happier. As others have said, I would wait a few years before I helped the boys. Once you have been living alone for a while, you will be better prepared to know how much you need to live.
A small but silly thing, you mentioned that now you will need to start getting rid of 20+ years of junk, old toys, etc. How about flogging the stuff on ebay? You would be surprised how much you can get from selling things like toys and such. Would give you a little extra cash to deal with moving etc.
Good luck on your new venture - what an exciting year 2017 will be for you!

Oh seacliff..How i identify with how you've been feeling and what you would have gone through...it's so unfair..that in a unhappy marriage...when the woman finds the courage to get out...she feels guilty..
Wish i were as brave as yourself...Want to get out, but worried how i'll cope...the depressing feeling of having left in the past and come back makes me feel so weak.....but you've done it..things can only get better wherever you settle...go for it...and enjoy the future..live for yourself! I admire you,...just wish i were as strong as you.., best wishes in all that you do...xxx

Seacliff All I can do is to wish you good luck.

Well, a few weeks on, thanks so much for your supportive messages. Although I know that many people have gone through similar situations, it really helps to hear your stories of survival and future happiness.I have told his sister now, she was really nice and wants to keep in touch after.She said like other friends have, that he needs help, but is not wanting to get it.

We are trying to have a reasonable Christmas. When meeting other family, am reluctant to tell them what's happening, as feel Christmas isn't the time. I am sending out cards from us both, for last time.

I have bought a lovely new tree and lights this year, thinking that's for my future home.

OH is still being very prickly and nasty at times, I try and ignore him, but it does upset me. The worst time is going to be after Christmas when we must go all out to get the place cleared and ready for sale. Will be hard to motivate myself and him.

A friend and op have said recently that I was a very brave lady, lol I have never thought I was brave in my whole life! Truth is I don't have a high opinion of myself, which is no doubt why I put up with this situation for so long.

Well done to all of you that were brave enough to start again, and hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

That's so nice of you seacliff to think of us and send Christmas greetings with all you are going through. I hope you will let us know how things are going next year.

seacliff when you move, please be fairly close to a GP, dentist, optician and with luck the local hospital will not be far away. I still drive but that is not always possible to drive to our local and the cab costs me a fiver each way.

One must think of years ahead and how will you manage if for any reason you cannot walk very far. It is handy to have local shops and also be able to order food on line.

Regarding stair lifts, one for a straight stair case costs around £2000 and a curved one from £4500. I find that maintenance is expensive as we are sitting ducks so that is something else to factor in. Insurance is possible at a cost as is a re- conditioned one to buy.

Thanks Charleygirl. The market town I'm considering is half hour from me - it does have all the essentials - BUT hospital is half hour drive away. Rural Suffolk not great in that way.I don't want to live near hospital and know no one.Hard choices.

I totally agree re importance of local shops etc very near. I do order some online now. The place seems to have a good community spirit/thriving U3A/train station.

There are actually some 2 bed bungalows there that I could afford (may be different next Spring). Nearer the time I will find out council tax for bungalow compared with 2 bed house, and also see from Age Concern if I will be eligible for any help with council tax.

I don't understand the references to Pension Credit, I thought it had been or is about to be phased out and everyone will get the flat rate of £155.60 a week as long as they have paid enough contributions. If you have not paid enough contributions you may get credit to top it up to this level. The only other benefit I know if is a rebate on your council tax if you are a single person living alone. So I strongly advise you to hang on to any money left over, you could live for another 20 or more years and there will be repairs, replacements, decorating etc to be done during that time. It is doable to live comfortably and happily as long as you stick to your spending within your income - beware of dipping inro your savings for everyday living, or they will disappear at astonishing speed.

At the very least you will be entitled to 25% discount re council tax because you will be living on your own. It definitely helps.

I have always paid full stamp, was off work 5 years with children. Worked since 1967. Now going down to 2 days a week. I will go to Age Concern after Christmas and try and get accurate assessment of what I might be entitled to.

Of course I don't know yet what I'll be left with. In this area I could buy a Victorian 2 bed terrace really cheap, and have some money left, but would worry about maintenance. Prefer to have less savings and a modern place.

Or could possibly get a small flat and also a 2nd to rent out. Then got maintenance charges and general upkeep, and hassle/possible problems of renting out.Don't think I'll go for this option.

@starbird

I think you're right that Pension Credit is about to be phased out, but it is wrong that everybody will get the flat rate of £155.60. I have paid full stamp for 43 years and I'm on course for just over £120pw, because I was opted out and will have an occupational pension.

This takes me over £155.60, so I know I won't get any top up, but I don't own a property and will almost certainly need some kind of Housing Benefit. I'm very worried about how it will all work out.

I haven't really looked into how Pension Credit will work with the new pension, but it will be means-tested. If you're part of a couple, I think both people's income will be taken into account, so even if somebody doesn't have a full contributions record, they won't necessarily get any top up.

Seabird it can be done and depending on your needs ( my opinion only but I think we all 'need' too much) I live on my state pension and a small work pension I m about £500 a year over getting any help I don't run a car and I really think that is what most people's money goes on I use my bus pass every day I also still cycle locally ..I have an annual rail card for longer trips ... I don't have central heating but as I m on my own I just keep one room cosy with a gas fire, my house is paid for and could do with work on it but hey ho it's a good old solid Victorian house and does me grand I think it can be fun hunting out bargains but then I ve never had a lot of disposable income so I guess it was no big shock to me
Try not to worry too much everything comes out in the end and contentment and peace of mind has its advantages

Just noticed you're in Suffolk so am I seabird You never know we might be nearer than you think

I'm probably not a million miles away either!

Hi Bluebelle and Jayanne ... good to see there are some other GNnetters nearish, I am in North east Suffolk, between Southwold and Aldeburgh.

I know there is another lady near, who pmd me a while ago. We were talking about meeting up for a coffee. Would be good to do in the New Year.