Money to DS not DIL

When my brother divorced his ex got the house, the car and will get half his pension! However, anything he gets from my Mum's estate, when she's gone, is his and his alone!

He also supports his younger daughter and has paid rent on her accommodation. Now she's back with her mum, my ex-SiL is demanding rent from him even though he pays the mortgage!!

Hi maryelize, sorry I got the wrong end of the stick.

Morgi you’ve completely missed my point - I was posing a hypothetical scenario to put the other side of the OPs situation. And I would never ever post such personal information about my dd anyway

Maryelize, I have every sympathy for your daughter and her situation. I fail to see why money that your daughter's former in laws are expecting should enter into the equation.
Often, money that a family expect to receive from an inheritance doesn't arrive. In many cases care home fees have all but wiped it out.

Just to clarify - I do not see the money and assets as his property because he has been the main breadwinner. I gave more details because I wanted to point out that he is already doing all he can to support her and the children financially - and intends to continue to do so for as long as he can afford to. However, she is already seeing someone else and I don`t think it is being unreasonable to want our money to benefit just him and his children.
Thankyou all for you advice - much of which I will take onboard and will definitely proceed with caution

Seeing the money and assets as your son's property because they took the decision that she would be a 'stay at home' mother is both outdated and unfair.
There is a comment earlier to the effect that the mother is being reasonable about contact because the father is paying all the bills.
Some of the comments here fuel the notion that all mothers use their children to exploit the children's father. I don't claim all women behave perfectly but neither do men. Separation, especially where children are involved, is a dreadful experience.
I do understand the issue of splitting finances. It's impossible not to feel irritated when our own hard earned cash doesn't stay with the adult child we gifted it to.

Is it possible to lend him money? That way he would have the asset but also a debt to you for repayment. Not sure if it's ok, but hopefully another gran will advise

Oh dear you are going to have to lose the attitude that he bought the house with the money he earned - they are married, they have children - a decision was made that he would be the main breadwinner but that doesn’t give him any extra rights at all. Nor should it. He’s in a right mess and he needs to sort it starting with legal advice and perhaps you need to just to buy him the occasional supermarket shop

Eddiecat the fact that your ds earned all the money isn't relevant except for the fact that it gives you dil a greater claim because she has greater financial dependence on him. I'm currently going through divorce and my solicitor was urging me to go for a 60:40 split in my favour because I was a full time stay at home mum for 12 years. The fact that I earned nothing and paid no pension contributions during those years was - he said - justification for taking a larger share because my financial situation is so much worse than his.
He also urged me to be careful to show that I did not have access to other funds. So - for example - the chap who I'm in a relationship with now offered to lend me some money as a deposit on a house. Solicitor said the only way this could happen would be to write it up as a formal loan agreement with 'Interest to be paid at the Bank of England base rate +4% (his suggestion) if demanded So as you can see - it's all rather complicated and has the potential to become rather horrid. Do be very careful and be aware that your dil probably has far greater entitlement that you or your ds may believe.

Eddiecat if your ds is still payng all of your dil's expenses it is no wonder she is being accommodating with access to children however this is not sustainable in the long term. He needs to get a solicitor and ask for mediation to help sort out access to children and then once this is sorted deal with finances. If a couple try to do both at once it often results in man keeping woman short of money and woman refusing man access to children. Best to keep it amicable if possible. Also keep in touch with dil as she will be looking aftr your dgc on a daily basis and can allow you access to them.

ANy financial help you offer now will be held against your ds in a divorce. He will have to complete a very detailed form and the judge may also ask him if he has been given or expects to receive any financial help from anyone. If you do not tell him you are going to offer some financial support immediately after a divorce he will be able to answer judge quite truthfully he has not been offered financial help. Once the divorce is finalised you can help your ds and dgc then.

What makes you think Grans might not have the experience or professional expertise to give good advice?

This is a problem that needs professional legal advice, not idea's from Grans.

Thanks for so much good advice - lots to think about. To any posters who felt we were being hard on DIL - their house was bought entirely with money he earned - he continues to pay the mortgage as he doesn`t want the children to have to move. He pays all of the household bills including supermarket shopping. He finances her car. In addition to all of this he is having to find rent money etc for himself. She has never worked more than a couple of days a week and has always kept all of her earnings and child benefit for herself.
Yes, he does need to get this sorted!!

Please be very careful about giving him money by putting it into his bank account. Also do not open an account with him as your credit rating will be tied to him. He needs to get this legally sorted, however hard, so that you all then know where you stand.

littleflo's advice is best.

We load £500 on prepaid cards and give them to our grandchildren I guess you could do that and no one would be any the wiser because the cards we give out are in our name not the GCs.

Please make sure that any legal financial settlement is clearly defined as a "Full and Final Settlement"
This will prevent claims being made on any future money from inheritance/lottery/income etc.

I've been through this and my daughter is currently going through it. Firstly, please get legal advice and don't rely on our well-intentioned advice here: I've spotted a few things - for instance, it may be different if you are in Scotland and not England.

I am not encouraging any breaking of the law. There is a difference between that and making your own position as favourable as you can. If your son does any jobs he bills for, he might want to think about the timing of submitting his invoices. When the couple submit their financial documents these will be for a specific period, so it can be advantageous to think about what goes in and out of the accounts in that time - it can be seem very unfair what is considered 'income'. If someone owes him money and wants to repay, for instance, hold off so it doesn't appear on his statements and then be counted as 'income'. Provision for the less able spouse and for the children are separate considerations. I'm guessing you'd rather your son was in a position of not giving his wife loads of money but would want the children to be well-provided for (I could be wrong of course). Since none of us know the individuals concerned, we shouldn't say that anything that goes to the wife will benefit the children. She may drink it for all we know. I'd get your son to keep any receipts for his expenses with the children, if he buys them clothes/shoes/pays for classes etc. so they can be factored in.

Don't give your son any money to save, invest, or buy him an expensive capital good like a car - it will be counted in the assets. I'd give cash when you see him so he can use if for shopping, petrol etc as others have said. Cash isn't traceable (again not wishing to break any laws).

I was the more vulnerable spouse but my daughter is the stronger one ( having married a waste of space), so I do try to see 360 degrees. I do get a bit cross when money from a house sale is considered a 'pot of money coming to you' as it may well, as in my case, be intended to furnish my later life as I don't have much of a pension etc. The solicitor will tell you how far in advance these inheritances can be considered relevant. If you and husband are only 68 for example, why should a possible inheritance in 25 years' time be considered? it will probably have to go on your care home anyway!

Best thing at present is to give him small presents in cash at irregular intervals or pay him back for things he bought. paying for tanks of petrol, for example

It would be very difficult to prove you were giving him, depending on his income, anything up to £100 a week in used notes.

Avoiding giving money to an estranged wife does not mean that the children lose out. Anything ether parents receives will benefit them. Trying not to share assets already in a marriage is unacceptable, but once a marriage is over, it is over. Had my marriage broken up, I would never have considered that either of us should have a right to any windfall either of us received after the event.

Question can’t be aswered..

It seems prudent to me to put him in the best possible position financially in preparation for the legal process. Once everything is settled there is no reason why he cannot pay more than the settlement or give extra in other ways.

It is sometimes the case that couples split amicably and then it all gets very acrimonious. Both of them need to do all they can to protect themselves legally. None of us should take sides, we don't know the details. It is the OP's money and she should do whatever she can in the best interests of her son. There is nothing to stop her doing other things for her GC at the same time.

As asked I don’t think the can’t be answered meaningfully

Well I was addressing the question as asked, it's not an AIBU question in which case we could have discussed the reasonableness and morality. I think most of us are addressing the legal and accounting issues which appeared to be the thrust of the question.

lining the pockets of his soon to be ex wife -er that would be the mother of his children? We have no idea of the circumstances of the break up nor the financial situation of both parties. There are many examples in RL that I’m aware of where the resident parent ( usually the mother) struggles financially with meeting everyday costs of raising the children whilst non resident parent ( usually the father ) has money for treats like holidays and presents. We just don’t know enough about this situation to be able to either encourage or discourage what the OP wants to do. But there’s enough examples on GN of the dangers of falling out with an ex-DIL and losing the dgc.