Dividing up family treasures

Difficult if the donor hasn't made it clear in the will.
You shouldn't divide equally necessarily - certainly don't break up jewelry, instantly devalues and costs to do it.
The best things if for every one to say what they would like, tastes differ so, and if this a double, literally toss a coin. Don't go into a panic it should be a pleasure.

When my MIL died my DDs were are 12 and 14 at the the time, the girls were asked to choose a bit of jewellery. The elder chose a ring with green stones, the younger a plain diamond ring. The older has never really forgiven anyone for allowing her to choose a worthless dress ring while the younger has a platinum ring with diamonds!! She does know that she chose it and life it tough!!

My daughters have told me they would rather we sold anything of value and enjoyed the proceeds while we can, we have decluttered a lot, downsized and life is so much easier, dusting and cleaning is enjoyable now. Just jewellery and my sewing machines for them to sort but in time some of that may go too.

How interesting - I gave the now SIL a ring which he had re-set for DD engagement ring - no paperwork and no queries from jeweller.

Like someone says on here Vultures come to mind. My Mum lived with my Sister for the last year before she died, she took control of everything even her money, cleared her flat out , let us see Mum on her terms ( 4 of us ) she was horrible . When she died never told us , never told me day of funeral had to do it all myself hence to say I only have contact with 1 sister now all other siblings dead to me...

Thank you so much, everyone. I appreciate your taking the time to answer.

I had the experience of sorting my mums property, first my sister and I looked at what we wanted, the eldest granddaughter got my mums wedding and engagement ring. Because I lived away. My sister lived near my mum so I said to my niece and nephews to go and help themselves to what they would like. After a couple of weeks I drove back to the house and then cleared the rest that no one wanted. The rest went to a local charity.

When my lovely mum died she left no instructions about anything. There was nothing of great value, I am the only female of my generation so I took the rings and other jewellery for distribution as and when. MY AC were then offered a free run, they wanted very little and flower vases seemed the most wanted! I don't think they had every thought of having more than one. One DD only really wanted mum's old chopping board which she remembered fondly from being a small girl and cooking with gran. A friend with lots more family around did the picking a piece each and then letting the others choose and going round until everything that was wanted was gone.

Hi i lost my wife over 12months ago now i have made my will and boxed things for my kids and grandkids all done a load of my mind x

This is such a tricky and delicate situation. I do hope that you can all come to an amicable arrangement.
My Father died, leaving children from both his marriages and stepchildren. There is a considerable gap between his two lots of biological children, although his second family were around 30 when he died. Their Mother had been dead for several years before our Dad died. Everything was supposed to be sold and the money divided between us, but, to my knowledge, that never happened. I still find it galling to see presents I gave to my father hanging in one of my half-sister’s garden. I’d love to know where the my childhood books went, too. My Father could never find them whenever I asked him about them! I have no idea whether the step-children had anything from the estate. One of my half-sisters was the only one to benefit in the end for reasons I can’t explain because they are very unusual and would identify me. The rest of us had nothing. Am I still bitter after all this time? You bet I am!

The phrase “vultures” made me laugh. Apparently when my Grandmother died (the year I was born so I never knew her) the family couldn’t figure out why eldest brother and wife weren’t at the funeral. When they got back to her flat for the wake they discovered brother had emptied everything including the food for the wake!!!! He said he was keeping it safe from thieves but of course no one saw any of it ever again. ........and that’s why no one spoke to them again as well.

I work in a lawyers office dealing with winding up estates and legally speaking if there is a Will whoever is entitled to the residue of the estate (everything left after deductions of funeral costs, debts, legacies, admin expenses) is entitled to the personal effects. If there is more than one person entitled it can be idea to let each person pick one item in turn until everything is chosen.

If you wish to give an item to someone who is not a residuary beneficiary then all beneficiaries and executors would need to approve this.

Also if the items have been professionally valued then the value of the items chosen should be taken into account in the estate accounts so that everyone receives the correct share of the estate ie if someone had chosen items of a lesser value than someone else then the difference would be made up in cash.

If you have a lawyer dealing with the estate they will assist and if the estate is liable to inheritance tax it is important to have the items valued.

I work in Scotland but these principles for dividing personal effects should apply throughout the UK.

Hope this helps.

My mum had a lot of plates she had collected over the years and she said, I'm not sure if she actually put the instructions in the will but I think she may have, said that we, me and my two sisters, would have to have a raffle for them! She'd numbered each plate anyway for inclusion in the contents insurance. She knew that there was a possibility of us falling out so this was simply the fairest way of doing it. And it worked perfectly.
The three big things, the family bible, a tapestry that my grand grandmother had done and the grandmother clock, she had already said who was to have them
If you could come to some arrangement like that as we did with the plates that might work.

Not an answer (sorry) but an observation - THIS dilemma is why it is vital that everyone who has children releases a lot of their possessions before they die, plus has a detailed Will done. I've seen families fall out; and/or resentments simmer on for decades because 2 or more children wanted the same item (even if one felt unable to claim it at the time). it's unfair to leave it to families to sort out - especially when they will be grieving the loss of the parents at the time.

After watching the carry on after my mother in law died I was certain that my husbands siblings were like a couple of vultures. All they could see was dollar signs. My husband put his foot down and demanded that our kids get a choice of something to remember grandma by before they put everything else in a garage sale. If we wanted anything we could buy it.
It was easier when my mam died as she lived with us so I said my sister could take her pick of what she wanted and gave photos to her daughter.
I think the disposal of possessions is a messy business, so much heartache and angst. Hopefully I will have made it clear what I want done with my stuff before I pop off.

When my much loved Aunt died (she had three adult children), my Uncle asked if I’d like anything to remember her by. I asked for a distinctive but very low value ashtray - she and I had long, lovely conversations, both smoking, so it was something that we’d shared. It’s worth more to me that any money, and since none of her children smoked, no-one minded at all. What is this obsession with the monetary value of stuff? It was similar with my Dad - I have a few bits and pieces that were around our family home when I was a child, and I doubt you could sell them in a charity shop, but they mean a lot to me. Best of all is a small stuffed camel covered in badges - my Tufty club badge, the BOAC Junior Jet Club badge, my first nursing name badge, my Dad’s RAF stripes, pins from the places he visited. He’d collected them over the years and they tell the story of our life.

and what about the many photos gathered of grandchildren when small, all grown up now though. What do I do with them? Also I have a beautiful musical wedding album from 1963, do I scrap it? I divorced many years ago and don't see family so don't think they would want it. shall I take group photos out scrap it? Have been getting rid of lots of things to make things easy. What do you think?

Always a difficult one. Can only suggest that you take a bit of time and possibly get another family member to give you a hand - if only via phone conversations!
Hang on to anything of value - the jewellery in particular. You could either have it broken up and like you said, use the stones for other things or sell it and give the money to the GC to spend on another item of jewellery they would enjoy wearing.
I made the mistake of asking my siblings if they wanted anything to keep - the answer was no, so now I'm left with a number of items that were my parents that I am afraid to get rid of in case someone changes their mind!

Hallo
Both my parents had a will and Mum passed away in February. We gave away some momentoes. The rest we are either keeping ourselves as her children/grandchildren or selling them to add to the value of the estate.

My Mother set out in her will that her jewellery was to be divided between my sister and I so we got together and each chose the ring we liked then chose somethings for her 2 granddaughters and great granddaughter the way to go is to talk to each if there are boys in the family give them some jewellery as we gave my brother some diamonds to keep

You could get every one together and ask if they have any views? Some might like one piece over another. You could do a raffle type thing and number each item and get your granddaughters to pick out a number and they get that item - but I’d speak to them about it - tell them you don’t want to favour one over the other

I feel for you as the last thing you want is to cause bad feelings in the family - something I’ve seen far too often too

When my childless aunt and uncle died, all of their in godchildren got an equal share of the finances. Then my brother ( their executor) put all
the glassware , China , mementoes etc in one room and we went round one at a time choosing something we would like. Once we reached the point where no one wanted anything else, he arranged house clearance. Because everyone was there, no one left out, it was all very amicable.

When my parents died it was a mammoth task. In fact those who came to help had the opportunity to keep what they wanted, but I kept the things Special to the family, as custodian. Most of the stuff went to charity shops or the tip. A few items of value were sold to an antique dealer, the rest went in skips. So little was of any monetary value.
I guess it will be the same when I die. I have left my jewellery to my daughter which I know she will share out as she rarely wears jewellery. I have photographed and documented the items which came from my parents so they can decide between them. I am sure they won’t be fighting over anything. Deep down I know they won’t actually want to keep anything but may feel obliged.

We had a similar situation to you Oopsadaisy when DH’s mother died. The day after the funeral the vultures swept in and took everything of value. My DH’s late father promised me a little set of books that I always loved to look at when visiting. They were gone too. It was left to DH and I to organise a skip and clear out the stuff that the vultures didn’t want .

I gave my DIL my mother’s engagement ring that had problems with the claws breaking. It cost too much to secure the stones as it was and a jeweller refused to make the stones into another ring as there was no proof that they weren’t conflict diamonds.