Partner using my house, not paying

Wonderful support nd sage advice from everyone, I keep going back over it all and can't thank you enough.

I think you know deep down in your soul what to do. Many of us have been in this situation ourselves and hate to see another woman going through it. Ask yourself if you have quality of life, with this person. Good luck

OP, sometimes the onlookers see more of the game.
this man is not behaving in a friendly or supportive way towards you.
he has manipulated and misled and exploits you.
the rent is the least of it. he has enough money to get his own place, or he could have stayed in his late parents' place.
but he didn't want to be bothered with all the arrangements and responsibility.
so he moves in on your coat tails, because you owe him. big red flag. and it's only temporary; he'll say anything to get what he wants. he doesn't care how it affects you. and he realises things do affect you, you take them to heart. so he uses that too, by saying unless he stays there, you can't be friends.
i do not recognise this as friend's behaviour.
please don't waste your life and emotional energy.

but not now - and so many people throughout the UK still think that common law wives have special privileges and assume they will be protected should a long relationship end - and have a rude awakening when they discover when the relationship ends that they are up the creek without a paddle.

M0nica common law wives were legal in Scotland at one time . Commonly know here as a bidey in .

Thanks for the latest comments everyone, everything here is so very supportive and true. It's so hard to disentangle the emotional side of things from the practical and indeed safe way of going on.

Moggie57 the OP said he lived with his parents previously.

I agree with Cocopops this man has not kept any of his promises and seems to be just using you for accommodation. What a cheek bringing your mother's flat into the equation.
Do consider carefully how you want things to pan out in the future.
Good luck.

ask him to give set amount each month . if he refuses tell him to go back to his own home. where did he live before this?

So much good advice on here SJ23 I really can’t add to it except to reiterate getting legal advice. Do keep in touch on here. ?

So, the rot set in on this long relationship when your partner pulled the wool over your eyes by claiming that he only needed temporary accommodation.
Now, in spite of his wealth and 2 years later it seems he has no intention of buying his own home.
He agreed to pay you a regular and proper monthly sum but he has not.
He refuses to discuss a proper arrangement, gets angry with you, says "you owe him" and worst of all tries blackmail by saying your friendship and relationship will end if he has to leave.
Excellent advice in the above posts regarding getting legal advice and much more. If your partner agreed to a formal written financial arrangement and promised to undertake regular monthly payments would you really, really want to continue sharing your home with him. Or not?
Please consider your future very carfully.

The concept of 'common law wife' does not exist in in any of the constituent countries of the UK and it never has. I do not understand why so many people think it does.

It just so reminded me of my DH when I insist on discussing something he doesn't want to hear. Its a sign that they are immature and haven't grown up don't you think?
Not much help, but it made me smile (and feel a bit superior).

The legal buffs on here have come up with some really good advice, I too would have been thinking of a tenancy, not realising it would give him rights. Good luck!

OMG! YES!! They even have similarities - that heavy jowel, square jaw - ready to defend himself at all costs and on the attack, zero listening skills. At least he has agreed to a 'chat' - now I have to keep my own tone agreeable which isn't aways easy. So muich wonderful advice here, I will go through it again to steel myself beforehand. This damn lockdown isn't helping either - good excuse for him not to do anything or go anywhere.

This is a very long link - but if it works it just shows what my DH looks like when I try to sit him down and have a chat.
See the expression on Trump's face? That's what you get.
Petulant schoolboy!

www.google.com/search?q=Photo+of+Trump+with+Angela+Merkel&rlz=1C1SQJL_enGB910GB910&sxsrf=ALeKk03W2DYIDen0B7jrgbQXFB3KgXZUrw:1604664822731&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=T_9JX0SJiqHJiM%252CZ6feZ68KIfM2OM%252C_&vet=1&usg=AI4_-kQ-TOlL4Bxo--DGvk4xMQhXGP9XKQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjC7vel8u3sAhW4QkEAHTkdCo8Q9QF6BAgDEA4&biw=1098&bih=590&dpr=1.75#imgrc=T_9JX0SJiqHJiM

SJ23 what rang warning bells to me was in your last post that he has said 'if he leaves the house we can't be friends or have a relationship' . That is both blackmail and bullying. You can't put up with that even if you do have feelings for him.
I would get legal advice and then make him sit down and tell him that you want it all on a legal footing as he is a lodger and tell him how much per week you want from him. If he starts to get angry just tell him that if he can't accept this he must leave your house and live elsewhere . You have to be brave and call his bluff. Take care and good luck.

I think that if you have a rent book showing that he only stayed with you and paid rent then this would stop him from having any claim on your property. Without something like this he might have. If you are in the UK then citizens advice can help. It is your house and you decide what happens. If he gets angry when you discuss it then I would ask him to move out until you have a formal arrangement. No arguments or worrying then, you both know where you stand.

PS.. I think you said he reckons you owe him. You don't. When he gave you gifts, took you out - anything he has paid in the past are not credit to be repaid. As he handed those things to you, did he say he'd be calling on you in the future to reciprocate - like the Godfather?

As always, the Grans have rallied and given you excellent advice and support.

To add to what has already been said… Getting legal advice to be clear in your mind where you stand might make you feel more confident about broaching the subject again. You don’t need to tell him you’ve researched. Please read about Narcissistic personalities to see if that is what you are dealing with. We discover a lot about a person when we cohabit. As a last resort, do consider getting a friend to mediate. Does he have fair-minded, forthright friends? If not, I wonder if he’s always surrounded himself with people he can treat as suits him best.

The only new comment I’d like to add refers to him protesting that you don’t trust him. Is he unaware or avoiding the logic that you can’t trust him, because he unilaterally changed your hospitality from temporary to permanent; just because he doesn’t want to find his own accommodation right now.

Women on this site often say they need to put their big girl pants on. They make them for boys too! Is he really unaware that adults pay their own way for fundamentals, regularly and on time?

I wonder if, after 21 years, discovering this side of his personality has thrown you. Are you hanging on to what you thought he was? I hope you can resolve this without either of you feeling resentful. Is that likely? If not do you want a future of resentment gnawing away?

Wishing you the very best of luck.

Chinesecrested, I don't agree and it doesn't suit SJ23.

She needs to seek legal advice asap and consider giving him a definite time limit to get his own place.

He was staying on a temporary basis and is now being stubborn and awkward about moving out.

(If it were me, I'd really put my foot down. He needs a push.
The police can explain things to any visitors who have outstayed their welcome.)

He won't get any rights to the house unless you marry him (don't!), put his names on the deeds or allow him to do any serious building work. Otherwise he is just a lodger. Whether he pays or not is up to you. Let him pay ad hoc sums of money if it suits you both.

Goodness I only just worked my way through all your comments and suggestions and must say I feel overwhelmed by such kindness and concern. Apologies for not responding to all the points, the majority of which lead in the same direction and give me a good deal of pause for thought. I am very grateful for the advice about him being a lodger not a tenant - I was thinking of a tenancy agreement because he also has his eyes on my mother's flat (now left to me since she passed away in March), saying that he gives me enough money for us to use both places!! I thought of asking if he wanted to be a tenant in that flat, but he has rejected that idea in any case. Somehow everything becomes skewed when I talk to him. As some of you have suggested, he is a very anxious person (bullies often are) who hates being alone and is afraid of taking responsibility for himself. Unfortunately I am not a confrontational person (as you have guessed!) though I do suddenly snap when pushed as he has done when we have rows about the 'situation'. The hardest part is actually starting a conversation because it inevitably turns sour. I do also still have feelings for him and would like this settled amicably - it's hard after all these years and at a certain age to cut him off and he has said that if he leaves the house we can't be friends or have a relationship, so I am loth to make this final. It does seem odd considering that I never signed up for us living permanently in my tiny house - and only reluctantly let this happen on the basis it would be temporary until his finances were sorted out (money from the sale of the parental house and then from his father's will). Speaking of which, I am sure he doesn't intend to leave me anything (he has a son and three grandchildren) and I am definitely not leaving anything to him, though again this subject is taboo. Loved the article about Fay Weldon btw - I had heard about this but not read the details. Good for her - and that she has loving children. Thank you, thank you all so much - I will read and re-read your comments and take further advice.

I’m 72 live in W.Canada. Post divorce in 1993 had partner move in was legally advised to have him sign a cohabitation agreement (basically) saying he had no claim on my home or $$. And that he needed to pay rent which he did. That ended. Now I’m 72 living with someone else we are intending to get married so no legal agreements well he put my name on house title etc basically treating me as his wife.

Problem is muddy waters . If your man lives with you after two years are you considered common law co joined ? You are here and if something happened to you he would be entitled to an interest in your estate. My recommendation see a lawyer, have the hard convo with your guy preface saying you want to discuss something in a calm reasonable manner. Write down your points in a 3x 5 card for clarity. Limbo is a stressful place to be. Keep your own interest top most. Good luck !

I also live with someone who gets angry when I want to discuss finances. People who advise 'sitting down' and 'giving' ultimatums are not helping because such men will never do this.
Getting some legal agreement made up behind his back is only going to make him even more angry. But somehow the situation needs to be put on a legal footing, so what to do?
How forceful a person are you? (I'm timid and hate confrontation) and if you're like me it will be difficult. But can you get him to come with you to get a legal agreement set up? Would he agree to that.
As don'tmindstayingathome says, don't whatever you do, draw up a tenancy agreement - he's a lodger with no rights to your home so make sure your solicitor understands that this is the reason for the legal document.
I notice you ask for comments not advice.
How upset would you be if he left you?

this is the type of men who are simply comfortable living in this format. there are such people at 30 and at 50 and at 70. So it was most likely in their life. but the main thing is that you feel comfortable!