Helping grown children with money

We have helped both dds with property purchases, but had to stipulate in writing to their mortgage lenders that the money was an outright gift, not a loan, so I’m not sure any help with strings attached would necessarily work.

OP, I think that any such help needs to be provided very willingly, or it’s almost bound to cause resentment later.

This has disaster written all over it so I would not get involved in the first place. Giveing money can lead to a lot of problems no matter what agreements have been signed. If someone chooses not to repay you then you won’t get repaid! Let’s pretend you do help them buy a place and down the line they split up and the house is sold half going to d in law as it should. Another scenario to bear in mind because I’ve been on the end of that one!

The best Help you can give us to point them in the right direction - help to buy ISAs, part but part rent schemes, how to budget - TV programmes on budgeting - ie: Martin Lewis Money Show, there are others that show families how to budget.
Helping them stand on their own feet is more enabling than throwing money at the issue.

I'm just stunned that the work of a stay at home parent, who's homeschooling the children (ESPECIALLY given the global pandemic) is dismissed as not working/choosing not to work, and why can't she at least get a part time job to contribute.

I'm more stunned that someone might accept (we don't know that they have asked) money from someone else when they are capable of providing for their own children themselves.

As people have said, it is their choice to run their lives like this, but we can't always choose to do things how we would like. If I could choose to live in a mansion overlooking Lake Geneva I'd be there like a shot; but as it is, I make the best of what I have. I don't buy one, then expect someone else to pay the mortgage.

Chewbacca

Hang on a minute.... If your daughter in law is home schooling your grandchildren, how do you expect her to go out and get a job? Are you suggesting that she could get a job and work from home at the same time as home schooling the children? If so, yes, you are being u reasonable. Or are you suggesting that your son and his wife should give up their principles of wanting to home school their children, send them to a state school and send the wife out to work? If so, yes, you are being unreasonable because how they run their home is nothing whatsoever to do with you. Please, under no circumstances, lend/give/donate them any money. The resentment you feel, and which is clearly showing in your post, will eat away at you and your son and his family will feel beholden to you forever. Money, whether given or gifted, should be with no strings attached, no judgements and certainly no resentment. Keep your money in your pocket Betty25.

All of that that!

Plus, if your son could only "just" afford the repayments on a mortgage, he might struggle very much as the cost of living crisis deepens, especially if it lasts any length of time (assuming you are in the uk).

Would you then be prepared to help out on a regular basis if 'just' were to become 'not quite'? If it was your generosity that got them into that situation, there might be a certain amount of moral obligation ...

Betty25, don`t do it, you will need your own safety net, especially as you get older. You will need to keep your own home warm enough, what if you need a carer to come in to help you?.

They have a safety net in that if push comes to shove, they could use state schools and both could then go to work. Your savings will be your safety net and please stop feeling guilty, their lifestyle is their choice

I think that some of the comments to the OP are a bit unfair.

Switch the specifics of the son’s family circumstances to ‘they want me to give them money towards a deposit when they holiday three times a year, all have phone contracts that cost £80 per person and eat out twice a week’. How would those criticising feel then?

If the OP feels that changes in the family lifestyle could mean that they could manage without her help, does it matter what those changes might be?

The OP has said that she has worked all her life for her money and could ‘just about’ manage to help. I can understand her feeling a bit uneasy about running herself short to help someone who has chosen not to work, just as I could understand someone being reluctant to do without luxuries themselves to subsidise the basics for a family with an expensive lifestyle.

The principle is the same (or should be) whether you approve of the lifestyle choices or not.

Perhaps the way in which what were, presumably, joint decisions about work, schooling and pets have been laid at the feet of the DIL are unfair, but I don’t think that having second thoughts about subsidising a lifestyle that is too expensive for the family to afford is unreasonable at all.

And to add, don't give the money, since it's clear you'll resent it.

I'm just stunned that the work of a stay at home parent, who's homeschooling the children (ESPECIALLY given the global pandemic) is dismissed as not working/choosing not to work, and why can't she at least get a part time job to contribute.

I'm a bit stunned, frankly.

Your DIL, by homeschooling, saves thousands a year in child care costs. Add in all the other stuff she does to make your son's and grandchildren's lives better (guessing she does most, if not all of the meals, housework, etc).

And none of that counts for anything, since there's no income earned.

Wow.

I agree with MOnica in any case it sounds like you don't have a lot of spare cash to help them. You need to look after yourself as well. Are there other ways you can help, school books, food, baby sitting etc.

Oh, and what are the sons thoughts on the home educating? Has he had no involvement in these significant child rearing decisions, then? Sorry, still thinking “spoof” post.

So, your dil has a load of pets but your son doesn’t? This screams spoof to me, too.

Don't lend or give for deposit ....if they buy somewhere themselves....but them a house warming present.

You have to take your children's family set-ups as they are. This is their chosen life style. At their age how would you have felt if you or your spouses parents had tried to change any aspect of your life style to suit their preferences?

I also think I think any money being given should be given unconditionally unconditionally. If it is a loan, then make sure that everything is written down and signed and make sure that both of you place the same interpretation on every clause.

We provided my daughter with the money she needed for the deposit on her house.
On the paperwork we were required to say whether it was a gift or a loan.
If we'd declared it as a loan we would all have had to agree what the repayment schedule was, and that amount would have been included when the building society assessed her ability to repay the mortgage amount.
We ticked the "gift" box as it was simpler!

I agree about giving money if you can afford it. But I also totally agree about your DIL getting a job perhaps in the evenings for a few hours. It would show willingness to help and financially could make quite a big difference.

I feel if she worked even a few hours on an evening they could save to have a bigger deposit

But that is their decision isn't it! I used to walk out the door as my husband walked in, working in the evening just to keep our heads above water. We hardly saw each other some weeks! They may be choosing not to have to put up with that.

Lend the money if you are happy for them do as they see fit. Don't lend it if you are always going to feel resentful about their decisions, which may have been made for perfectly valid reasons for them and which are not your business, lent money or not.

I do understand this is hard sometimes if one doesn't agree with an ACs choices.

Chewbacca

I too gave my DS and DIL money for a deposit on a house; no expectations or requests to ever repay it. I later lent them another amount of money so that they could do improvements to their home. We all sat down, drew up an agreement for a mutually agreeable repayment schedule and we all signed it. Everyone happy.

Is he an only son? Because if there are other sibblings- it is not so easy unless you can do it for all.

It doesn’t sound as though your son has asked you for help anyway, so unless he does, either give with a good will or not at all.
That’s an old saying apparently.

So she would be working during the day, home schooling, and working during the evening. O.k. just don't grumble if she doesn't spend any time with your son.

Never give or lend money that you’ll resent.

It’ll only lead to bad feeling. Just don’t even have it on the agenda.

I do not have enough money to give them a whole deposit - I could only give them a little as I said and yes I do have other children. I feel if she worked even a few hours on an evening they could save to have a bigger deposit.

Law, sorry.

Home schooling is fine if you can do it and afford it. Is there a good reason why they have decided to do this? I expect state schooling was good enough for a lot of us including me and my son, who's now a partner in an international aw firm.

I too gave my DS and DIL money for a deposit on a house; no expectations or requests to ever repay it. I later lent them another amount of money so that they could do improvements to their home. We all sat down, drew up an agreement for a mutually agreeable repayment schedule and we all signed it. Everyone happy.