Helping grown children with money

CHRIST NYANBU - I would feel exactly as you do - I bet like me you have worked bloody hard for that money you have saved - why should you give it away when your DIL doesn't work?

You could have a legal document outlining the terms and conditions of any money you invested Betty.

For example, you can stipulate that the amount invested or the % that equates too, which ever is the greater when the house is sold, is repaid.

You can also stipulate that the money be repaid when you reach a certain age. In either case this is a charge against the property so if they wanted to re mortgage, they would need your permission to do so.

This is registered with the Land Registry and a mortgage company would be advised of your investment. It's one way of giving financial assistance without actually giving the money away.

Sorry, I think that’s spiteful. Don’t punish them for their lifestyle. If you can spare the money, why not? You can’t take it with you Betty. My only concern would be if you have other children, you may have to give them the same, or deduct the amount from his inheritance. Your son needs the money now, not in 10 or 15 years or 20, depending on your age now.

Hang on a minute.... If your daughter in law is home schooling your grandchildren, how do you expect her to go out and get a job? Are you suggesting that she could get a job and work from home at the same time as home schooling the children? If so, yes, you are being u reasonable. Or are you suggesting that your son and his wife should give up their principles of wanting to home school their children, send them to a state school and send the wife out to work? If so, yes, you are being unreasonable because how they run their home is nothing whatsoever to do with you. Please, under no circumstances, lend/give/donate them any money. The resentment you feel, and which is clearly showing in your post, will eat away at you and your son and his family will feel beholden to you forever. Money, whether given or gifted, should be with no strings attached, no judgements and certainly no resentment. Keep your money in your pocket Betty25.

Or, what Smiles suggested ….

It's a way of being able to get the money repaid if you find you need additional finance for your personal care in later life crazy. None of us know how much, if any we may need.

If the dil can but won't work I don't think I would be inclined to offer them any money. They need to understand the concept of saving up for things. Even if you lent them money and took a charge over the house if the mortgage lender would accept that (most would I think insist on seeing that a borrower had provided at least part of the deposit), if you wanted your money back you would have to go to court. I doubt you'd want to see the bailiffs at your son's door.

If the dil can but won't work

How can she go out to work if she's home schooling the children?

Is this another spoof?

Wouldn't surprise me ladyleft

Your son and DIL appear to have made a clear decision to home school their children so this is not about her refusing to "get a job"!

I don't think there is any connection between you lending/not lending money and whether your DIL works outside the home!!

IF you want to help them get on the property ladder whilst living their life and with their children as THEY see fit, then lend it (and I suggest you take Smileless advice if you do that)

IF you will resent the way they have chosen to live their life and bring up their children then don't lend it!!

We gave our DD & SIL a substantial sum towards a deposit for a house as they could never have afforded it otherwise. Now they live in a huge house that's much better than ours! Our DS didn't approve of us giving her the money so we ended up giving him the same amount although he already had his own house. Are we idiots or what??

I would assume your son and his wife are in agreement that the children are homeschooled meaning only one of the parents can work.

I don’t think you should give them the money if you are going to disapprove of their lifestyle and may become resentful about only one of them working.

So your son has to get out of his house.

You will not give him the deposit so he ends up on the streets?

Spiteful. You disagree with the way they live their lives, giving their children a safe home to live in and home schooling them, so you hang onto your money.

If you would be leaving money to your children upon your death why not give it to them now when they need it?

Your son and DIL have made decisions about how they want to look after their children.

It's up to you what decisions you make about how you look after your adult child.

Neither of those things should be anything to do with each other.

I too gave my DS and DIL money for a deposit on a house; no expectations or requests to ever repay it. I later lent them another amount of money so that they could do improvements to their home. We all sat down, drew up an agreement for a mutually agreeable repayment schedule and we all signed it. Everyone happy.

Home schooling is fine if you can do it and afford it. Is there a good reason why they have decided to do this? I expect state schooling was good enough for a lot of us including me and my son, who's now a partner in an international aw firm.

Law, sorry.

I do not have enough money to give them a whole deposit - I could only give them a little as I said and yes I do have other children. I feel if she worked even a few hours on an evening they could save to have a bigger deposit.

Never give or lend money that you’ll resent.

It’ll only lead to bad feeling. Just don’t even have it on the agenda.

So she would be working during the day, home schooling, and working during the evening. O.k. just don't grumble if she doesn't spend any time with your son.

It doesn’t sound as though your son has asked you for help anyway, so unless he does, either give with a good will or not at all.
That’s an old saying apparently.

Chewbacca

I too gave my DS and DIL money for a deposit on a house; no expectations or requests to ever repay it. I later lent them another amount of money so that they could do improvements to their home. We all sat down, drew up an agreement for a mutually agreeable repayment schedule and we all signed it. Everyone happy.

Is he an only son? Because if there are other sibblings- it is not so easy unless you can do it for all.

I feel if she worked even a few hours on an evening they could save to have a bigger deposit

But that is their decision isn't it! I used to walk out the door as my husband walked in, working in the evening just to keep our heads above water. We hardly saw each other some weeks! They may be choosing not to have to put up with that.

Lend the money if you are happy for them do as they see fit. Don't lend it if you are always going to feel resentful about their decisions, which may have been made for perfectly valid reasons for them and which are not your business, lent money or not.

I do understand this is hard sometimes if one doesn't agree with an ACs choices.