Helping grown children with money

This is a massive leap from the subject of the OP, which is asking about whether Betty25 should give money to her son and his family. I have no doubt that if the OP had suggested that the son got a second job she would have been accused of interfering and told in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business.

I think that is a distinct possibility Doodledog [hmmm]

Hithere

Instead if our dil working some hours in the evening, how about your son getting a second job?

How is that any different to the DIL getting a job?

Betty25 given that you have other children and that by the sounds of it are not overly flush with funds yourself, I would not make the offer. As one gets older the issues that may arise can become expensive and you need to keep your funds to support yourself.

If your son cannot find the deposit without your input then it is not the time to buy and he needs to find another rental until he and his wife can afford the whole of the deposit and comfortably the repayments then it is not time for them.

not everyone wants to own a home and have the upkeep hanging round their necks for life.I know a lot of people who stayed in the same new council houses they got 50 years ago and are happy to do so.All major repairs are covered and they often have done lots of inside work .

I dont understand the "you have to get on the property ladder" mentality .Maybe because renting was always normal where I live .The OP should check out long term rentals for them and if their income is low they can get help with their rent .Theres no shame in that despite what a lot of people on here think .

Hithere

Instead if our dil working some hours in the evening, how about your son getting a second job?

This is a massive leap from the subject of the OP, which is asking about whether Betty25 should give money to her son and his family. I have no doubt that if the OP had suggested that the son got a second job she would have been accused of interfering and told in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business.

Mollymalone6, I don't know about resenting the DIL, but recognising that the lifestyle choices of the family are what is preventing them from doing for themselves what the OP is wondering whether to help them with is not unreasonable, surely?

If one of mine asked for money (and I know the OP's haven't asked - this is just for illustration) because Covid meant that their hours had been cut and they were short, if I could afford it I wouldn't hesitate. If they said that they couldn't meet their housing costs because they'd booked a holiday, or bought a new car, I would think long and hard, even if I wouldn't miss the cash. If that's judgemental, so be it - IMO they are two very different 'asks', and require different thought processes to reach a decision.

Good point Hithere.

Your, not our

Instead if our dil working some hours in the evening, how about your son getting a second job?

Betty25 It sounds like you resent your DIL. Spoof or not, I'm with Chewbacca and Smileless.

nandad

I agree with you when you say unless you can do it for all your children, IF (big IF, you can afford it and it leaves you with a 'cushion' to fall back on)

I have a son and daughter and i would never treat 1 without treating the other, be it in money terms or practical help, obviously the sutuation on this thread entails a lot of money.

Friend helped her daughter with the deposit for a house when daughter was single. Daughter is now married with a baby. SiL lost his job at the start of the pandemic and has only worked on an ad hoc basis since last year leading to the daughter having to go back to work before the end of her maternity leave, but only part-time. Friend has had to pay daughter’s mortgage 3 times in the past year. Fortunately they can afford it. Friend has 3 children not sure they can afford to do it for them all. Their children are all very competitive and I can see this leading to problems in the future.
My point is unless you can do it for all your children or your child is in dire straits you shouldn’t do it.

In my experience, those who can give house deposits to children often have inherited big or been given that same leg up themselves. That's a huge financial advantage that can be passed on sometimes.

I certainly never expected anything from my parents and have only given to my children what I wanted to give, not because I felt I should or had to. Nothing as big as a house deposit, or close to it, though.

Money has never been that important to me. I'm happy with enough to meet modest needs. I value experiences and time with people and family more. I've told my own parents, when they've talked of inheritance, to spend the whole lot traveling or doing whatever they enjoy if they want to. It's their money after all. I don't have a right to one cent of it.

Needs are, of course, different. A mortgage on a personally owned home is not a need.

I think there is a big divide between those who can run a 'Bank of Mum and Dad' and those who can't. The very fact that there is such a phrase is evidence of that, really.

It is not a sign of being a more caring parent to be able to help - anyone can throw money about if they have it - and where housing is concerned the sums are often huge. We all want to help our children, and most parents are very easily triggered into feeling guilty anyway. Constantly hearing about people who have 'given a leg up onto the housing ladder' to their children or whatever can make people feel that they have failed if they can't do the same.

On this thread, I think there has been a lot of smuggery. Saying that money has to be freely given, or should only come with no resentment sits on one side of a thin line below which is the suggestion that the giver is wrong (or morally dubious) if they weigh up whether the gift is needed or wanted.

IMO there is nothing wrong with feeling that you will help your children, even to your last penny, if they need it, but you will not give them the luxury of making lifestyle choices that run them short if that means that you will reduce the number of choices open to you.

I agree Liljan I feel that the original poster has been unfairly criticised. It’s very easy for those who have plenty of money to say that they gave or would give their children money for a house deposit but not everyone is in such a good financial position especially a parent on their own. The OP states that she would find it difficult and presumably has no way of replenishing her savings. The son and daughter in law have more options available to them. I definitely would not offer if it meant struggling myself. So according to some posters this would constitute selfishness. I just wonder if they would make the same accusations against the son and family if the parent was struggling financially?

DS and DIL obviously have put their family choices over a higher income. If they can afford it and are willing to make the sacrifices involved, good on them. Maybe they are quite happy renting for a bit longer and delaying achieving their own home, as this is more important to them?

I've heard other people say they couldn't afford to stay home but in many cases, it does come down to lifestyle choice. A couple of us were talking with another mother who was quite upset about not being able to be home with her children. She lived in one of the most expensive areas with a huge house with an amazing ocean view. The mortgage was huge and took her entire salary. Sensing she really wanted ideas as she was quite tearful about this, it was suggested that had she consider selling and buying a still very nice house at half the price, which would have afforded her the ability to stay home, since she seemed to want it so much. She argued but she didn't want to give up that home, so she couldn't stay home. Well, obviously she'd made her choice and chosen her priority. She wanted the house more than to stay home.

OP's son and DIL clearly want the home life they have chosen rather than the house right now. They have also chosen what they will have now and what they will sacrifice.

That's something we all have to do. Few of us can have it all.

OP, my concern for you is that, if you give this money, it will leave you short somewhere down the line. Is that a risk you want to take? There is no guarantee your son and DIL will be willing or able to help you out in future if that happens.

I think OP is getting a lot of unfair criticism, nobody wants to see their families struggle. However these adults and have made the decision to lead the lifestyle they do while living on one income, all well and good if they can afford to do that, if they can’t afford this lifestyle then it’s up to them to find a solution. My daughters would dearly love to stay at home with their children but they also chose to have mortgages, cars to run etc which requires two incomes therefore they work - their decision. In your position OP I would also have reservations.

In situations such as this, i always think, the money that is sat in the bank may not be need right now, so thoughts are able to circulate ones mind of helping adult children out BUT what about years down the line when that money ( or some of it ) is very much needed, none of us know what is round the corner, so i ALWAYS feel the need for a 'cushion' ( Cushion being 'something' to fall back on, security)

OP doesn't have to justify offering or not offering. It's her money. If she has reservations then she probably shouldn't offer. If she thinks she might resent the consequences for herself of giving away money because she has a judgement of her son's family's chosen way of living, she shouldn't give either. Any gifting needs to be free of any mixed feelings for the benefit of everyone involved and for the good of the ongoing relationship. IMO.

According to OP, nobody's asked her for money. She's considering offering.
A point which I made two posts above the one you quote.

My response in the post you quoted was to your being ‘stunned’ that someone might have a different point of view from yours. The OP had pointed out that her reservations came from the fact that she worked all her life to put herself in the position where she could ‘just about’ afford to offer help to their son and his family, when, however you phrase it, they have opted to live on one salary.

To dismiss her reservations as ones you find ‘stunning’ is to disregard her right to feel as she does because her reasons for having the reservations don’t align with your personal beliefs.

The OP was not asking for a judgement in her views about her DIL not working. She was asking whether, in the light of her reservations, she could justify not paying towards supporting that way of life.

Your DIL is working all day long and saving the family a ton of money. Working outside the home, especially with childcare expenses, costs quite a lot. It's unfair to expect her to be able to work evenings as well as all she does. When I was home with children I was also busy all evening long, then waking up during the night to a young child. I presume your son has some say in the family arrangements. My DH was quite happy for me to be home as it meant he didn't have to make work compromises, advance more slowly due to this, or juggle his schedule around shared childcare.

If you are going to resent giving money, then don't. They will find another way. If it means they have to choose between a particular lifestyle and a home, then that's for them to decide. It puts no obligation on you.

Just do not do it is my strong advice. You will need a safety net of savings for your future, especially with cost of living . Your son and dil have made a life style choice which is all well and good if you can afford it. There are other choices for getting on the housing ladder ‘ rent and buy, is just one of them and then look at there life style choice and see what they can change to afford saving for a deposit.

Doodledog

*I'm just stunned that the work of a stay at home parent, who's homeschooling the children (ESPECIALLY given the global pandemic) is dismissed as not working/choosing not to work, and why can't she at least get a part time job to contribute.*

I'm more stunned that someone might accept (we don't know that they have asked) money from someone else when they are capable of providing for their own children themselves.

As people have said, it is their choice to run their lives like this, but we can't always choose to do things how we would like. If I could choose to live in a mansion overlooking Lake Geneva I'd be there like a shot; but as it is, I make the best of what I have. I don't buy one, then expect someone else to pay the mortgage.

According to OP, nobody's asked her for money. She's considering offering.

If you have any reservations or want to make any stipulations about giving your family money, then I would say don’t do it,
I would only give it as a gift with a good heart, and let them decide how to spend it.
Certainly don’t leave yourself in a precarious financial position to give them part or all of a house deposit IMO.

TerriT makes a very valid point about divorce. I also would not lend money if I could not afford to do so.

Giving money to your children does not always help them. At times you get absolutely no thanks for it. In larger families it becomes an issue of great resentment between siblings. Ive also known some people who lend/give money to adult children, who then return to parents and always have the next crisis or other they need money for. It is very difficult. One thing, treat your children the same because if you don't, they will resent you and their other siblings.

Have the son and dil actually asked for help or money or is the op just sticking her oar in, pardon the expression, thinking she is helpful but wanting to lay down laws and conditions? Have they enquired about a mortgage? Some people are just happy paying rent. Housing associations have deals for part buying and paying rent.