Power of attorney for a friend

I’m in the same position as you cc, except DGS is only just 3.
I’m the only living relative suitable, so I just hope and pray that nothing (more!) happens to DD2 and S-in-L in the next 15 years.

I too would make my age or health the excuse for refusing this responsibility - this can be done quite nicely, but once said you must stick to your guns.

If she asks your advice about her new will, refer her to a solicitor and do not consent to being named as her executor!

If she intends simply to write the will herself, I would point out that a guardian needs to be appointed to manage the property for the children until such time as it can legally be sold. This presumably would not be until all the children have reached their majority - so unless there are funds to maintain the property in the intervening years, she really will be doing her grandchildren an enormous ill-turn.

My widowed friend has fallen out with her daughter and has asked me to act as her attorney should the need arise.

This would be a big undertaking and her daughter would be upset and angry.

Red flags waving right there!

Do you really want to be drawn into this family drama? Not only could it turn out to be a huge undertaking, but it could generate bad feeling which might take an emotional toll on you.

If, as you appear to believe, it might all pass over - the exercise will have been for nothing and might well be detrimental to your physical and mental wellbeing.

In situations like this, I believe the best policy is to be as honest as possible. If you really do not want to do it - and it is quite a big thing she's asking - say that you don't feel up to it. No-one can argue against that when they are asking you to take on a, possibly, huge commitment.

Sound advice from Germanshepherdsmum - as usual.

Yes, I think I would also say that I felt I was too old to take on a POA.
I found out recently that my daughter was planning to write a will saying that she wanted me to look after her children if anything happened to her. I'm 72 and the children are 5 and 9. With the best will in the world I find it exhausting enough to look after them for a couple of days, and I would be responsible for them for at least another 13 year. I'm trying to think up a tactful way to bring the subject up and say that I'm just too old.

Responsibility and challenges from family or friends who disagree.

Germanshepherdsmum

Solicitors are unlikely to agree to that Babamaman.

That’s very interesting Gsm. Is there a particular reason for that - apart from it being very time-consuming?

Thank you all for the good advice
Always good to have a sounding board

I have a similar situation with an acquaintance rather than friend who has put me down as executor. I reluctantly agreed and said I would hand over to a solicitor but I know well the amount of work that would still be involved. She has a difficult family situation/estrangements etc and contact with few other people being housebound. I must check out the POA situation as this lady has many health issues.

When in doubt do nothing.

Solicitors are unlikely to agree to that Babamaman.

I would say no. A friend of mine gave Power of Attorney to her family when she became ill and the work involved organising her money and getting in help from social services has been hard work and time consuming and that is her own family organising it. I would not recommend it.

Politely tell your friend you would prefer if she asked her sollicitor to be the power of attorney, as you don’t feel capable of having such a big responsibility and you might lose your faculties before her!

Please say NO ! My husband was flattered to be asked to be power of attorney for an elderly relative. Little did he know that some distant cousins who were left money in the will had accused my husband of pressuring the relative so that our children were left an inheritance. My husband regularly visited the relative even though she lived many hundreds of miles away, on a monthly basis the cousins never visited in the 7 years my husband cared for her even though they lived a ten minute drive away. They are now accusing him of fraud, mismanagement and stealing her money. We ,as a consequence, are severely out of pocket

The worst problem of naming grandchildren is that more may come along and be treated unfairly, needs careful thought. My advice is don't do it, POAs for both health and money are onerous and you may well be too frail to carry out her wishes. Difficult situation.

Yes, I agree.

Saying you might be frail or ill yourself is both true and the best way to say, "no".

Germanshepherdsmum

I would simply say that this is a big responsibility and you may be quite frail and elderly when the PoA needs to be used, so it is better to appoint a younger person.

I hope she is using a solicitor to write the new will because if she is leaving money to young children it will have to be held in trust for them until they reach 18. You might also gently point out that it isn’t necessarily a good idea for young people to inherit money.

Great advice! I second this.

There is no easy way, but you could say: "No, I really can't help. I'm no good with legal paperwork". Leave her to sort out her own family spats. It is a huge responsibility, and you will not be thanked.

a relative, not the closest, asked me to be named as their POA, before having an operation.
i really didn't want to, but someone else said they will worry about having the operation if i don;t agree.
so i reluctantly did.
meaning to sort it out later, never have.
it seems too difficult to mention.
there is another POA, much more sensible and organised than i am, but she lives outside UK.
and i don't even know the other POA's address. !

I have it for my mum and even then its shared with my DD .....wouldn't do it for anyone else

I agree fully with GSM. I'd say that I feel too old to take on this role, and thus that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this. Hopefully that will stop them from asking you.

It is indeed a big responsibility, can involve a great deal of work, and a relative in the background who has been passed over would make things even more difficult, challenging decisions at every turn. Decisions over healthcare can be particularly hard to deal with.

A friend took on being second PoA for her 97 year old aunt who is very poorly in a care home. The other PoA was her very much younger and sprightly uncle. Sadly the uncle died suddenly and my friend is now having to deal with paying the care home, dealing with the banks (dire) and selling the house they shared. It’s a huge amount of work and responsibility.

Being a PoA is not something to be undertaken lightly. Things can be straightforward, but not always, as my friend has found out.

I would think of the worst case scenarios before making any decision. All the ‘what ifs’. Good luck and hope you can find a kind way to say no if that is your decision.

Good advice from GSM.
I wouldn’t do this for a friend in the circumstances you describe. You could be left dealing with complex legal emotional and practical issues.

You could tell her it is not pragmatic to have POA from the same generation. There is no guarantee that you will outlive her!

I would very gently say a definite “no”. Explain that you feel it is too much of a responsibility for you, but you will help and support her while she decides what is best to do.