My own daughter and step daughter (potentially another difficult situation), I have to say will often ask for ideas, or will say things like 'what did you do?', and when for instance my grandchildren misbehave and parents are at their wits' end, I will say 'have you tried this or that?' - I do think its often HOW you say things rather than WHAT you say. My step daughter is actually probably more 'hands off' with her children when her father and I are around than my own daughter is - she sees is actually as a bit of a break for her even if we are in the same room. And she will back us up by telling the children to 'not be rude and to listen to Nanny & Grandad and do what we say', so I think personally I am very lucky on that side of things.