Older spouse lacking sex drive

I have the same problem but from her side. It is so difficult when you still love someone but the desire to have sex has gone. You end up having to force it, which leads to resentment in the end. I know that I backed off from more intimate things like hugging and kissing or affection not because the desire for that had also gone, but because it so often led to him thinking I was up for it, or it would lead somewhere I didn't want to go. Awful problem.

Do you tell her that she is attractive? How beautiful you find her?
How does a romantic evening appeal, (At this time, perhaps, a bottle of wine and a Chinese Takeaway!)?

Tell her how beautiful she looks in lacy undies, (go with her and buy some if she has none)
Wash her back when she is in the bath, she may appreciate it!
Nothing venture, nothing gained.

I agree with all the others who say the affection, touching etc. has gone because she thinks that it will lead to sex, which at this point she doesn’t want.
Has she thought of Hormone Replacement therapy?
Meanwhile, I would start being affectionate where there is no chance of sex, in the car, walking, etc and build up the closeness again.

I sometimes feel the same I am in my late 40s and my DH is 15 years older. It started around 8 years ago when DH had his vasectomy. We still sleep in the same bed, lots of cuddles intimacy just no sex. I love him dearly and I know he feels the same but sometimes I wish for a little more

I believe that the menopause can affect women in different ways - either the sex drive goes up due the lack of fear of pregnancy or goes down due to the fact that sometimes sex is very uncomfortable.
I'm sorry Sean, but it sounds as if the only reason that you share a bed with your wife is to have sex !
What happened to the caring and cuddles? There is nothing worse and more off putting than feeling like a performing seal where sex is concerned!
I think that you need to go right back to the beginning when you were first dating. Take sex right off the menu. Show that you care for her and love her, pamper her and just make her feel wanted and that she is as still as beautiful as the day that you married her. Become friends once again. Take everything step by step, do something silly together and learn to laugh with each other again.
It will take time and you will need a lot of patience. Good Luck!

If I were you Sean I should tell your wife that you understand how she feels, and that you would like to enjoy warm physical closeness, but will not "hassle" her for sex. She may be rejecting your affectionate advances, as she feels this will inevitably lead to you wanting sex - so she keeps you at arm's length just in case.

Stick with the separate bedrooms for now - she needs to feel that she is not "under siege" and that she an trust you to respect her feelings at the moment.

I know it is hard - she has as much right to not feel she wants sex, as you do to feel that you do. But neither of your interests can be served by losing physical affection in the forms of a hand held, an arm round the shoulder. If you can get that back, by reassuring her about your intentions, then it may be that in the fullness of time it may lead to resumption of sexual relations, but your main goal should be re-instating closeness between the two of you - that is assuming that you wish to stay together with her.

Good luck.

Grandad, your reply helped me as well although my problem is opposite inasmuch as my sex drive hasn’t gone away at 70 but my husbands has at 64! I have to accept it and ‘adjust’ but finding it hard so sympathise with Sean.

You could be my husband Sean (except we are both early 60s) I have no sex drive whatsover now, even when there are (mild) sexscenes on TV, I feel so embarrassed. This is so unlike what I was like up until the menopause (12 years ago). We had a healthy sex life for 40 years or so.
I feel ugly as I've put on nearly 2st, have lost all confidence with clothes and don't know how to change that. I'm happy to kiss+cuddle so long as it doesn't encourage or lead to sex (I'm not expressing this very well). We've spoken about that and my husband is sympathetic (to an extent) but I feel guilty (but not guilty enough to do anything about it) I think counselling is one answer but don't know if it's to accept growing older or get back a sex-drive.

Sean1967, I am glad you felt my post helped with your problem and many thanks for your reply as such.

I believe the wonderfull concern you have shown towards your wife in regard to this relationship anxiety will ensure everything will work out to the best in both of you.

I second what rosenoir saidl

Wow grandad,what a fantastic reply! Almost moved to tears! And I'm being genuine,I appreciate that we all change as the years go by,and we need to adjust,but the feedback has helped to address things,or understand things,thanks again

It is generally accepted that the ageing process diminishes the sex drive in both genders. However, my wife and I have been married now for fifty-one years, and in that we have found that our marriage has evolved through those years with our sex life changing inline with that.

A partnership begins with just the two of you, and at that time sex is predominant and important in the relationship. It then moves on (in most cases) that children come along and life for both in that relationship surrounds bringing up those children and maintaining the home and their education etc. Then (almost suddenly it seems) the children are grown up and gone and once again it is just the two of you.

It is then (or certainly with us) that the marriage and relationship is at its best, for that relationship is not about sex or any physicality, but affection born out of a near lifetime of sharing and caring that has grown into a true and honest deep love that only such a near lifelong relationship experience can bring about.

There are always adjustments to be made throughout due to time and ageing in any relationship, and it may be Sean that you will have to make such an adjustment. However, if you genuinely do care and love her, such an adjustment should not be too difficult to make.

Thank you all again

Maybe the lack of affection is due to your wife thinking that will lead to you wanting sex which she does not want. If you could reassure her that it would just be a kiss and cuddle with nothing more the affection may improve.

It is difficult when you both want different things from a relationship, there is no right or wrong here.

Separate rooms has evolved over time,hot flushes and twitching legs kept me awake,and my snoring kept her awake! Started off as one or two nights a week with me going into the spare room to an almost permeated thing,but it did or does work,the letter did help by the way,there is an underlying issue,and things are already moving forward in that area!, I'm glad I discovered grans net,thank you

Yes, I agree, loss of sex drive is really common in menopause, but the other losses need addressing. Why are you in separate rooms? How did that come about? I would advise counselling if you can, which might give her natural breathing space. It may not be helping her if she feels pressured into having sex, not that I’m suggesting you are doing this, but it may be her understanding. All the best.

Thank you,I will try the letter,thanks for the feedback

That's sad Sean. The sex, okay, perhaps the menopause has had more of an effect than you think, but the lack of affection and tenderness signals something else entirely. I always find that if your partner can't face talking to you about certain subjects, then write them a letter. I know it sounds bonkers, but it might start the ball rolling for a discussion? Tell her how sad you feel that there is no longer that affection and closeness. She will undoubtedly read the letter more than once and it will give her the time and the space to formulate a reply. Good luck

I would be more concerned about the absence of affection and tenderness as this suggests an underlying problem Sean.
Time you two had a heart to heart conversation on the subject whether she wants to talk about it or not.