I'm glad Sally Challen is out.

My late sister was a woman like Sally,controlled ,abused dependent .She became an alcoholic at a young age when he insisted she matched him drink for drink .Yes ,at the beginning she was madly in love with him and despite my parents and her siblings urging her to leave him she kept going back .She was frightened not just for herself but for her children.She lied and stole from us for him ,she excused his behaviour even when he threatened to throw boiling hot fat over the kids .She died aged 50 .Women like my sister and Sally Challen deserve the rest of us to stop judging them..that hammer would likely never have been used if he hadn't provoked or goaded or threatened her in some way .I believe she took it with here because having it near made her feel safe ,she didn't intend to use it ,but she did AND she has paid the price .I hope she has a lovely life now she is free.

can I add that my sister came from a family who weren't drinkers and she was a much loved and wanted girl who had been spoiled all her life because she had suffered illness for much of her childhood

Sally Channon lost her Father when she was 6, met her H at 15, poor woman would have been terrified of being left alone so probably put up with his abuse etc. She drove to Beachy Head to commit suicide after she killed her H but was "talked down". I'm glad she not going to face a re-trial, she's served 9 years & I hope she can enjoy the rest of her life with her lovely Sons. I suspect she will never completely get over what happened within her marriage & prison sentence. I don't see her as a heroine just a woman pushed over the edge, as for taking the hammer, she may have feared he would attack her, we will never know what was going through her mind.

I am so pleased that she is out.

I was married to a wife beater and I finally got away but had to live in hiding for one year. No one can judge until they have been in those circumstances.

Sending her love and hugs and hope she has a fantastic future with her sons.

paddynan and others who have shared personal experiences, thank you so much.
Sally C met her husband when she was 15. He was 7 years older, which at that age is a huge difference in both life experience and maturity. I don't think the word 'grooming' is out of place here. She was no doubt bowled over to have attracted the attention of a good looking older man.
It's right she was charged but I'm relieved the charge has been changed to manslaughter and her mental health problems at the time she killed her husband recognised by the Court.
All credit to her sons!

What I kind of don't get and this could be paper talk is how it says she still says she loves him?

I get still living with someone because you feel to weak to addicted to the control, even as far as being sub human and not being able to see a way out But to go through being imprisoned and still say she loves him?? That seems at odds with him being a monster.

Surely time away would make you see him for what he is?

It's all part of the complexity of dependent abusive relationships. Those working in the area (police, social workers, psychologist, psychiatrists ) see it all too often

A couple of years ago weren't a woman and her daughter shot outside a gym by the husband who had psychologically abused her. The sons had helped their mother and sister to escape. He found where they lived and watched and learned their routine. Waited outside and shot them both.

So it is not easy to leave. It must be an unimaginable situation to be in

I think that the trouble with abusive relationships of all kinds is that the victim initially puts the abuser on a pedestal, i.e. father, teacher, partner, and adopts an attitude of respect appropriate to that role. They gloss over that these others have all the same human faults as themselves and allow themselves to be blinded. If they stopped for one minute and imagined that person as their brother or sister or friend, would they put up with that controlling behaviour? Of course not! Try it yourself, it's amazing how your point of view shifts.

As I said in my previous post, a lot of these men are outwardly very charming. I would bet money that he could be so at times , but would then become abusive at the drop of a hat. Quite often they persuade the victim that no-one else would love them, be interested in them etc. It really is very complex. I would also imagine that she has very little experience of relationships as she met him when she was 15.

I used to work with a woman who would often come into work with bruises, she always had excuses - fell down stairs, bumped into a door, once she said a wardrobe had fallen on her! Her partner would give her a set amount of money every day which she had to use to buy groceries and could only use what was left to get herself lunch - I often pretended I had bought too much and gave her some of mine. I tried to get her to talk to me but she never admitted she was being abused, although she did tell me her partner demanded sex every night (I told her that was rape but she wouldn't accept that). She left after about a year and I never heard anything else from her - that was 40 years ago and I still think about her.

I am very glad she is free. 9 years in prison is a very long time and I hope she had plenty of sympathy when she was inside.
She has suffered enough. Her sons have behaved wonderfully and she must feel so proud of them.
Good luck Sally.

As a woman who has just escaped from a similar situation to Sally (husband visiting prostitutes, emotional abuse including blaming me for ANYTHING that went wrong)
I couldn’t see it. My friends would mention things. I’d be upset by his behaviour. But I’d justify it. “If I was a better wife” “they only know my side of the story - they don’t know what a bitch I am” (those were his words). “I deserve this). He never physically abused me but I was a shell of my former self, tiptoeing around the house, scared to upset the apple cart which meant I did the vast majority of house work (with hubby and 2 teen sons in the house) - if I fell behind he’d get annoyed and tell me he was sick of living in a Sh1t hole.
It took a social worker (who had seen both sides of the story) to ask very gently if I’d heard of emotional abuse. They gave me a number of a charity who have helped me escape (1 week today)!!
To those who can’t understand why women who are abused emotionally or physically don’t just leave. This is why. You begin to believe you are worthless, you are not loveable, that what you are getting IS love, that this is normal, and that’s to start with. Along with the practicalities “where do I go, how do I pay for rent-food etc, what if he finds me” it is just so overwhelming. I’m not ‘free’ yet, it’s only a week and I’ve nearly gone back several times. I’m finding it hard to ‘adult’ on my own. (I married at 20, straight from my parents home), I’m bizarrely finding it hard not being told what to do and when!!! BUT I’m a SURVIVOR of emotional abuse - not a victim.

From experience these abusers prey on the vulnerable. Make them feel safe before the abuse begins.
I suffered several years of abuse before I left. I even abused myself because I felt worthless.
Its shitty.
I'm happy shes free. I wish her well

Brave sharing of experiences, thank you paddyann, purplepoppies and others, and Mammabear3, welcome to GN, I hope you find comfort and strength to continue to keep away from your abuser and to make a new, better life.

I feel this was the correct decision re Sally Challenor. It's hard to see what purpose would be served by her remaining in prison any longer, and she's not a threat to anyone else.

DV and coercive control can be so subtle. I know someone who managed to finally break free from her controlling dh. He didn't physically abuse her but the mental abuse was horrific. It began under the guise of him 'loving her so much' eg he took control of all their finances so 'you don't need to worry about money' but she ended up having to account for every penny she spent. He also had a tracker on her phone so he knew where she was every hour of every day.

He eventually gave up work altogether so she was the sole breadwinner for them and their four children. She still had to do all the housework and child care while he took to the bottle. As others have noted, it was only when he turned his attentions to the children that she managed to find the strength to break away.

He spent time in a MH unit where he was found to have no diagnosable disorders. He eventually committed suicide, almost as though he was having a tantrum, and to try to punish my friend further by making her feel guilty. Thankfully, the authorities provided wonderful support to her and she has a strong network of friends and she and her family are coming out the other side now. It's easy to see, though, how a victim could think that doing away with one's torturer might be the only solution.

I have just quickly skimmed thhis thread but she had been physiaclly abused, enough to leave bruises, as well as the emotional controlling abuse.
No-one knows except her what was in her mind.
Is no-one charitable enough to think that she had the hammer for self-defence or to use as a threat?

Mammabear I understand how you feel. I married at 18 and didn't understand that this relationship wasn't normal and no-one else lived like this. After 15 years of having clothes bought for me and being told what to wear I couldn't choose anything by myself as I was frightened of getting it wrong.

Please stay free the "adulting" comes with time and practise don't knock yourself. Love yourself and try to enjoy your freedom. for you.

The bit I don’t get .... they split up. She bought a house and lived apart for 12 months. The boys weren’t youngsters.

Then after all that time - she went back to him??

Urmstongran That is why it is so good to read first hand accounts like those from Mammabear. So that people like myself who have not been in that sort of situation, can try and gain a better understanding.

Mammabear it is very brave of you to share your story, thank you.

And to all others who have posted about their experiences - well done and all good wishes and strength for the future.

I get that Ilovecheese and it was very brave of MB to tell us of her life with a bully.

But she didn’t leave him, set up a home independently and then, after 12 months .... GO BACK to him.

That’s the bit I don’t understand at all with the SC case.

Why did she return after such a long time? She’d escaped his abuse.

In her statement yesterday I think she said she still loved him - that shows the depth of the emotional hold he had and still has over her. It’s not broken by death so it wouldn’t probably have been broken by her moving out into her own house. I don’t think you ever escape that type of abuse. Poor woman - I hope she does get some measure of peace one day.

Sometimes you can love a person and the emotional abuse is so painful it becomes unbearable, and there is a love/hate situation, which muddles the mind, and the only way is to escape in any way possible
Might be hard to understand, but i think this is what broke Sally Challen, and made her snap, she still misses him apparently,
I have been in a similiar situation, and the only way i could cope was to think of the worst of the person, if i thought of the loveliness at the beginning it still hurt wondering why the niceness turned to abuse
My first husband was like this, and i used to hope he would get killed in his lorry because that would solve the problem,
It is horrible to even think i could think like that, but it took a lot for me to escape far away when he was at work, as he said if i ever left him no one would look at me again and he would break my legs,
So my daughter wasnt the only one to have an abusive husband, even my children dont know this about their father