Domestic violence

Gabriella am I to congratulate you on walking away from a fiancée over a little tiff what a brave woman you are !! your little story is very different to being married with a home and children and not just having yourself to think of there is a much bigger picture then you are imagining or aware of in most abusive relationships

I'm glad two of you recognise that it is not only men who abuse. Coercive control is as prevalent in women as in men. Have you seen the statistics for male suicide?

Gariella it’s obvious you ve never been or know anyone in an abusive situation and it’s nothing to do with strength of character oldwoman
I m not going into any details just to say you have to be very strong to stay and even stronger to leave Abuse is wrapped up in soft blankets of love, care, attention and the reasoning that you have been the one that’s wrong that you made the mistake, that made them hit you, it was your fault but you are forgiven ......anyone watch Holby and the ‘loving’ abuse of Chloe very close to reality ‘ Why do you treat me like this when I love you so much’ boom boom crash bang ‘ look what you have made me do’
There is love and good times that underline the fact it’s you that got it wrong or there could be fear, fear for your own life your parents, your kids, threats to make you toe the line, oh it is so insidious it’s not cut and dried . where do you go, how safe is it to go, how can you protect the children, no money to get away, Maybe he’s a good dad maybe the kids love him do you break the family up it’s always a slow slow drip feed of very hidden abuse even the wounds are usually not seen not often a punch on the nose but a punch to the stomach or back or arms
Everything about abuse is tied up with ribbons of deceit and control often by charismatic characters who are seen with very different eyes by others outside the relationship

Man hits woman, woman leaves, all is well............if only

I was giving my opinion. Each to their own.
For myself, it wouldn't take more than one incident to make me get out but I have never ever met a man who has treated me with anything other than courtesy and respect, in fact, I did disagree with my then fiance over a minor matter of him wanting to carry on paying his parents an allowance after we married.
As we differed in our view and not wanting to argue, I got out of the car at a set of lights and hitched a lift home. Sent the ring back to his parents house, end of.
No regrets.

I was talking about abused wives/partners, certainly not children.

My neighbour, in the 70s, was regularly beaten by her thug of a husband, and so were the children at times, but the police wouldn't intervene in a 'domestic' case.

He beat one of her children really badly, and the police were called, but when he told the police he was suffering from bad headaches, my neighbour was told she should be more supportive of him.

Our neighbours regularly intervened to try to help us and our mother as sometimes she would run into the street as he beat her and he would follow. I remember going to the police station with my sister and saying 'can you stop our dad hitting our mum'. We must have been very young as I couldn't see over the counter. The officer told us that they couldn't help and we should go home. My father once beat my sister so badly her hair was falling out. Once again no help.

Back in the eighties a group of us school mums because friendly, one day we head one of our group was in hospital, she had been smashed repeatedly into an outside wall, she had had brain surgery, her face was criss crossed with stitches, her neck was grossly swollen, I would never have recognised her.
Police and social services were involved, her daughter came to stay with us while our friend recovered, she had seen the attack take place, and had run to a neighbor to raise the alarm.
I’m sure you know what I’m going to say, yes she went back to him, but none of us ever let our children there again.
They seemed to be a nice middle classed family, I was really rattled by the whole thing, we’ve lost touch now, I wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t killed her.

EllanVannin got it right. Each case is individual. One woman's/man's experience will not mirror another's.

I never felt worthless. I never felt as if I deserved it. I decided I'd not made the best choice when I married, but that was about the only 'blame' I apportioned to myself.

My fear of leaving was because I was convinced there would be retribution. I feared for my child at school. I feared for my parents. I feared for my grandparents. I feared for myself. I used to imagine him snatching my daughter. I could actually 'see' him attacking my parent's home. It was a daily nightmare.

I was living in a permanent state of fear which is why it took a long time to be able to leave.

But it's not easy to leave. And some of these women who stay are actually the strongest women you're likely to meet.

We watched our father beating our mother up many times. Apart from what she suffered, can you imagine the effect it had on us children? There were no women's refuges then. She had nowhere to go. She had no money, her family were in another country and even if they hadn't been she would have been ashamed to tell them. Thankfully there are people/places to help now.

GG54,
So the victim is to blame for allowing the abuse?
How crass and naive to say such a thing.
It’s made me feel terribly sad that anyone feel this way.
I was an abused child.

I used to live near a women's refuge and got friendly with some of the women there. I asked why they didn't just walk out and invariably the answer was their partner had convinced them it was their fault - that he only beat them because of what they did, and that he didn't want to do it, that they were worthless, that if they left no-one would believe them and no other man would "put up" with them. After being told this over and over again by someone they thought loved them, the women came to believe that this was all they deserved.

That was a truly terrible account whywhywhy and I am so sorry for your younger self, but glad that you feel able to share your experiences with us. You are clearly a much stronger person now and I wonder what you would tell your younger self if you were able to?

Physical violence is one thing - you don't need help to find out that you have been punched in the face (though of course you need help in dealing with it). But manipulation and verbal abuse are another matter. This sort of abuse is insidious and comes in shades of grey and it can take some time to realise that what is going on is beyond the acceptable to-ing and fro-ing of a typical domestic argument. Because it is often interspersed with periods of affection and harmony, it is easy to explain away the abuse and manipulative behaviour, to yourself and to others, as being the result of depression, worry, problems at work etc. Even when the penny begins to drop, how do you get friends and family on board when all they are able to see is that the perpetrator is pleasant, charming, helpful, and portrays himself more-in-sorrow-than-anger as the victim of your problems and the way you allegedly take it out on him?

I have not been a victim myself, but I have witnessed this sort of abuse.

Each case is individual as is each reason for not getting out of the situation. It's not a simple process as each of these cases has to be on its own personal merits/circumstances to be looked at from a court's point of view.

If we had an online " mock-up " of such a situation we would be able to reach a conclusion from a non-biased point of view.

GG54 You have to understand that abuse/violence does not start all of a sudden in a relationship which has been dodging along quite nicely up to that point. There will have been a long period of mild abuse or control which escalates step by step with many promises that it will not happen again and 'honeymoon periods' where all seems well again. Often the escalation occurs when the woman is in a vulnerable position, eg pregnant, just had a new baby, returned to work after a period as a stay at home mum, is caring for a sick relative, ect. An abuser does not take kindly to no longer being the centre of his partner's life.

If there is a sudden outburst of abusive behaviour then the woman may be so surprised that her first instinct is to try to reason what has caused this, perhaps looking at her own behaviour for answers - the abuser will certainly impress upon her that it is her 'fault', that SHE has caused this to happen. She may then try to comply with his demands/wishes, but no matter how hard she tries it will never be good enough and she will gradually become trapped in his web.

It is very easy to believe that as strong confident women we would walk away at the first sign of abusive behaviour. However, if you are recovering from a bad birth, have a toddler and a colicky baby, no income of your own and your partner is demanding sex every day - what then???

Thankfully I have no personal experience of domestic violence but I do know that it isn’t as simple as to say just leave.

I have read sad cases where the abused person ends up feeling that the violence is their own fault for not being ‘good enough ‘

Then as has been mentioned there are often threats of further violence as well as financial control.

It is a terribly sad complex issue.

abuse and control can only continue if the victim allows it to continue

The victim often isn't even aware of being controlled. It's insidious and, until fairly recently, very little information about it was in the public domain, so there was minimal awareness.

Things are changing at last.

MawB thank you for posting.

I was a battered wife back in the 1970s by my first husband. He was so jealous and such a control freak. At 18 I married him and that is when he looked on me as his property! Sadly I didnt know my mind at that age and I foolishly thought that he would change once we had the two children. Wrong! He got worse. I walked out several times with two small children but I had no where to go. No brothers or sisters and my mam wouldn't take us in! Once I walked into a police station in the N.E. where we lived and the police officer on the desk told me to go back and give my husband a good time in bed and all would be forgiven. I put up with it for years and eventually plucked up the courage to walk out but the best years of my life had been ruined. I planned my get away and I have never looked back since. How I put up with I don't know but I do battle depression on a daily basis. If no one has had to put up with it then they cannot comment. Life is good now with my second husband but I don't put up with any crap from anyone. It is something that I feel strongly about and must be wiped out. These people just cannot be allowed to get away with it.

I'm sending love and strength to everyone suffering it right now.

*I realise that many of you will cite reasons for staying put but this is my view, not yours and I am not saying it's right for everyone.
I can't think of one single positive for staying with an abusuve partner....none.*

How about preserving your life? Isn't that a good enough idea?

I know far more about this subject than I want to, to be honest. I wasn't going to comment but saw the usual 'just leave' comments and felt I had to.

So you leave. You really want to leave. That's all you want to do. However, your partner tells you if you dare leave he, (she), will kill your family and friends etc. He knows where you live.

So you have to decide what to do. Continue living your horrendous life, treading on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict or leave and risk seeing your paren't home firebombed.

It really isn't an easy decision.

Also only the weak stay? No. That it totally untrue. Someone upthread mentioned it's a complex situation . Never a truer word spoken.

But I am not weak.

I was able to get away eventually but it was not easy. And it's no easier today as I know due to volunteer work I do with a local charity.

A strong person would leave, however, in many cases the psychological as well as physical abuse has built up leaving the abused person to feel worthless and that this is the way they deserve to be treated.

In the past there was little or no help available, in any event it was kept behind closed doors with even family not being aware of it. I grew up in an abusive household - everyone thought my father was a lovely man and outside the house he was, however, at home we lived in fear of his angry outbursts

IMV, abuse and control can only continue if the victim allows it to continue.
Years ago, there wasn't the help there is now.
If a partner abuses in any way shape or form, he or she doesn't deserve and shouldn't get a second chance.
Leopards and spots.

I realise that many of you will cite reasons for staying put but this is my view, not yours and I am not saying it's right for everyone.
I can't think of one single positive for staying with an abusuve partner....none.

None of us really know what goes on behind closed doors though do we ?

I remember my late grandma telling me that she suspected her sister was being abused by her very controlling husband but in those days there really was nothing could be done about it. They were poor, married and had several children. Basically stuck.

These days I think things have improved but there is still al lot of secrecy and shame attached to domestic abuse most of it probably goes on right under our noses and yet we cannot see it.

Maw, thanks for the link . Just watched it - very moving and powerful .

Yes, it's a very important issue but also a very complex one too.