Should there be apologies made for adoptions

Sorry sodapop. When girls went to those homes and there was no adoption arrangements made where would the girls and their babies have lived?

The people who should be apologising are the males who impregnated the girls in the first place then refused to stand by them. Difficult in the case of the Spanish waiter, the fifteen-year old schoolboy and the thrice married American serviceman who returned home immediately, but not the fault of the government and not the fault of the parents.

People forget there were no benefits for unmarried mothers, little child benefit, no nursery care to allow the mother to work and the almost impossibility of a single woman with a child able to live independently.
The burden for raising the child fell almost entirely on the maternal grandmother, she who was probably also supporting elderly parents or beginning a return to work to earn much needed income. A great credit that so many parents did support their daughters' children, but some understanding needs to be shown to those who didn't.

A very tragic and traumatic experience, but one that has largely been resolved since the 40s, 50s and 60s.
The past was a different country, and they did things differently there, for reasons we are forgetting.

Some of those boys were age 16 themselves, how could they stand by the pregnant girl, they. Needed their parents permission to marry. It’s too easy to lay blame,

My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby."

She was the sort of person who never talked about anything sexual, she barely managed to mention periods to me but fortunately school had covered that. It must have been so hard for her to say that, the need didn't arise but I don't think I have ever felt so sure that I would always be loved and protected.

Oh that every frightened teenage girl had a mother who would support her.

eazybee

The people who should be apologising are the males who impregnated the girls in the first place then refused to stand by them. Difficult in the case of the Spanish waiter, the fifteen-year old schoolboy and the thrice married American serviceman who returned home immediately, but not the fault of the government and not the fault of the parents.

People forget there were no benefits for unmarried mothers, little child benefit, no nursery care to allow the mother to work and the almost impossibility of a single woman with a child able to live independently.
The burden for raising the child fell almost entirely on the maternal grandmother, she who was probably also supporting elderly parents or beginning a return to work to earn much needed income. A great credit that so many parents did support their daughters' children, but some understanding needs to be shown to those who didn't.

A very tragic and traumatic experience, but one that has largely been resolved since the 40s, 50s and 60s.
The past was a different country, and they did things differently there, for reasons we are forgetting.

My great aunt had an illegitimate baby in the 1920s. She was from a very strict Methodist family and from what I understand her parents were quite harsh. She got pregnant at 16. Her parents let her keep the baby, her relationship with her daughter was something I saw for myself in the 1960s. It wasn't all roses and my mother always said she was kept as a skivvy but she did keep her baby.

It wasn't governments, it wasn't agencies, it was parents who wouldn't allow or help their daughters to keep their babies. Too late for an apology from most of them. Yes they were probably embarrassed in front of the neighbours, yes people would probably have pointed the finger but would you put that above the welfare of your daughter and grandchild?

I don't think adoption is always wrong, if a teenage girl doesn't feel able to cope and feels a new family for the baby and for her to get on with her life is the best thing then that is a reasonable decision, families letting girls down is unforgivable. Maybe people want to blame the government as they don't want to blame their parents?

I'm one of those babies whose mothers were forced to give away, but I was born in the late 1930's.
So I was fostered and eventually adopted.
I see absolutely no point in any sort of apology from the government. There are probably no end of things that various governments could or should apologise for, but I think it's pointless.

theworriedwell thanks for that lovely reminder about what your mum said. My mum said that to me and I remember saying that to my DD.
Your school must have been better at sex-Ed than mine. All I remember learning was about frogs and chickens!

P.S. Yes, theworriedwell. You are right. My mother's parents played a big part in forcing her to give me away.

I suppose an apology acts as an acknowledgement and hopefully considers this will never happen again. The recent changes to welfare and cuts to services, the signing of papers if a third child if conceived by rape for example to claim child benefit is happening now. We can't just pretend everything is ok, there is still some way to go. Misogyny is rife.

I'm sorry to all of you who have been personally affected. There are stories within my own family and they all deeply affected those concerned

There is little point in an apology from the government - it would mean nothing to me.
It was a different era then - "you can't bring the baby back here" "you will have to go away" etc. At 16 you are frightened and have no idea what to do. It is only as time passes you realise how cruel it all was.
Fortunately we have a more tolerant society now and more support, all those years ago there was none.

Shinamae I'm so sorry to read your story and my heart goes out to you.

theworriedwell My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby.

.....whereas my own Mum said to me at much the same age that if I ever got pregnant I'd be out, and not to forget it!!

Sparklefizz

theworriedwell My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby.

.....whereas my own Mum said to me at much the same age that if I ever got pregnant I'd be out, and not to forget it!!

Yes I think a lot of our Mums did that. There was lots of talk of bringing shame on the family too and labelling of young women as slags/sluts too

To quote one of my sisters - ‘my contraception was Mum and Dad ‘

I suppose not all the mother and baby homes were as bad as the Magdalen ones Anniebach between a rock and a hard place for unmarried girls/women at that time. Even within my adopted family there were "religious" people who would not acknowledge my existence. Very hypocritical views from religious leaders then.

Shinamae so sorry to hear how you were treated as a child, unforgivable

sodapop where would the pregnant girls have gone if those
homes didn’t provide shelter? I don’t think religion was the cause of parents putting their daughters in those homes, it was
‘What will the neighbours say’

Boys could buy condoms; there was no contraception available for unmarried girls.
Sixteen year old boys could and did stand by their girls and some did marry. It was the 'how do I know it is my baby?' that was so bad.

Lots of young girls were sent to 'family' too, not just Mother and baby homes

I was pregnant when I got married at age 20. My husband`s family knew, but as I was living with my grandma, who we didn`t tell, I had to tell my mother in order for her to give permission for me to marry. I didn`t tell my grandma until we came back from our honeymoon, and she told me to leave her house as I`d brought shame on the family. This was in 1963! She did eventually come round after a few weeks of sending us to Coventry, then she spent all her time spoiling our daughter rotten.

One thing that came to me on this thread was the story from
Shinamae and it made me feel so sad for you . It must have been heartbreaking to leave your baby that way.
I know it is a bit impertinent to ask but did your child ever try to find you or maybe you searched for the child yourself?

I too had my first child a little later in the 70s at only 17.5 years old and my mother finding out I was pregnant was one of the biggest worries. The s**t hit the fan when she knew and everything was suggested about what my fate would be. As Anniebach has said above "What will the neighbours say" and also the rest of extended family was certainly a big factor.
Things calmed down and I told my family I will never let my baby go and even now I realize what good parents I had
as they supported me and cared for me and throughout the rest of their lives no one brought them more happiness than that child (even more happiness than me)
I hope Shinamae you found a better life and peace so sad for you.

henetha

P.S. Yes, theworriedwell. You are right. My mother's parents played a big part in forcing her to give me away.

So sad but I do hope your adoption went well for you.

Sparklefizz

theworriedwell My mother wasn't perfect, nobody is, but one thing I always remember was when I was 14 or 15 she suddenly said, "I hope it never happens but if you get into "trouble" always know we are here for you and the baby.

.....whereas my own Mum said to me at much the same age that if I ever got pregnant I'd be out, and not to forget it!!

Maybe she was just trying to frighten you but would have been more sympathetic if it happened. I hope so.

I remember my mother telling my older brother "I'll be just as disappointed in you if you ever have to tell me you've got a girl into trouble as I'd be if Rosie had to tell me she was in trouble." She always pointed out it was someone else's daughter, sister etc Another thing she firmly believed was you don't bring up a child for 16 years to throw them out because they've made a mistake. We were both assured that if it happened we'd be supported and loved. When my friend got pregnant at 16 it was my mum and dad that said she could come to us when her parents wanted to arrange an illegal abortion. They eventually calmed down and adored the baby granddaughter they were blessed with.
On the subject of an apology, if it would help, then yes, although I feel it would be the wrong people apologising. Regrettably there are still people who hold those same old views of shame etc

sodapop

Not sure what your point is Anniebach

You are dead right there Anniebach . I fostered babies from a week old who were to be adopted and some came from very good homes but it was the girl's parents who would refuse to let her keep the baby. Even teachers with good jobs had no help in keeping the babies . We had one little girl whose mother wanted us to keep her long term until she could afford to have her . It never came to that but I would have been devistated to give her up after a long time . Only one set of parents relented ( the girls had 6 weeks to decide and had to wait until then ) and let her take her baby home . She had not seen him since he left the hospital . Unmarried mothers have it so much easier now .

I was adopted at 5 months old , I have since traced my Mother and have a wonderful relationship with her.
She had me and after 5 days she went for a bath, got back to her bed and I was gone and her belongings were in her suitcase at the bottom of her bed.
She was 20 and her Grandparents had put me up for adoption, she was then forced to sit in their Church with a mask on saying sinner as members of the congregation were each handed a cane to beat her with. She was then walked through the streets with the mask on. Finding here was the best moment of my life and our relationship is so precious to me0