Why the Elgin Marbles Must Be Returned to Elgin
by W.N. Herbert
Because they are large, round and bluey and would look good on the top of Lady Hill.
Because their glassy depths would give local kids the impression that they are looking at the Earth from outer space.
Several Earths, in fact, which encourages humility and a sense of relativity.
Because local contractors would use JCBs to play giant marbles in Cooper Park and attract more tourists to Morayshire:
"Monster marble Showdown Time!"
Because the prophesy omitted from the Scottish Play must be fulfilled:
"When the marbles come back to Elgin the mormaer will rise again"
(A mormaer being a Pictish sub-king.
Which Macbeth was, not a thane.
Nor a tyrant, for that matter.
More a sort of Arthur figure, you know, got drunk and married Liza Minelli, with Gielgud as Merlin the butler.)
Because they're just gathering dust in the British Museum, never mind the danger that if someone leans against them they might roll and squash a tourist like a bug.
Because the Greeks, like the rest of Europe, don't know where Scotland is, and so won't be able to find them.
Because if they come looking we can just push the marbles into the Firth off Burghead and show them the dolphins instead.
Greeks like dolphins. Always have.
Because it will entertain the dolphins watching the Elgin marbles roll with the tides and perhaps attract whales.
Because whales can balance the marbles on the tops of their spouts,
then ex-Soviet tourist navies can come
and fire big guns at them
like in a funfair.
Because the people of Morayshire were originally Greek anyway, as proven by Sir Thomas Urquhart in his "Pantochronochanon"
And by the fact that they like dolphins.
Because we are not just asking for them,
we demand their return, and this
may be the marble that sets the heather alight, so to speak.
Because if the Stone of Destiny is
the MacGrae's tooth, then
the Elgin marbles are
the weird sisters' glass eyes.
Because Scotland must see visions again
even if only through
a marble of convenience.
