Daughter pregnant, son-in-law having an affair.

I'm so sorry to hear your terrible news. How shocking for you. I am sure you are devastated.
The sad thing is, as you correctly assume, your family's situation is by no means unique.
I am probably of a similar age to your daughter and several of my friends have experienced marriage break-up in similar situations. One school friend's situation sounds almost identical.
It turns out that most domestic violence and affairs begin during pregnancy. Apparently some men cannot cope with the jealousy they feel about their wife's affection being focused on their child.
There is not much I can say, except that you have all the right ideas. Give your daughter as much support as you can. She must be scared at the idea of becoming a single mum in such circumstances and also sad that the break-up of her marriage. However, with love and support from her family and friends, she can rebuild her life.
Good luck.

Sorry to hear your news and your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive, loving mother such as you. I think you are maybe wavering between needing to stay calm and focussed on your daughter's well being to wanting to rip your SIL's head off his shoulders. I've no advice for you but wanted to show support and feel anger on your behalf. (Don't really know what type of person the OW's mother is to turn up at a home with a heavily pregnant woman. Just goes to show what type of person, he has got himself involved in!) Best wishes you all.

Thank you so much for the support, I just had a blip earlier when I could see so many horrible things ahead - my daughter's 33, this will be her last week at work before the baby and now she has this to cope with. Luckily I am retired (early, I'm only 58!) as I have been looking after Daniel while she works for the last four years, but unfortunately I have been delaying a much-needed hysterectomy (for large fibroids) for three years, and had planned to have it done as soon as the baby arrives so I am fit for when she would go back to work again after six months. This was the last thing I foresaw so my slump tonight is probably just reaction. I'm sure with support like yours I'll feel better in the morning, ready to get on with it whilst keeping my mouth shut. Right now I could murder my son-in-law (but I promise I won't!)
Thank you again, even just one voice made a difference.

textuahealing, thank you too, I didn't see your post while I was typing!

Oh my, no advice, except keep calm and get a good solicitor. Maybe make sure your daughter has the opportunity to talk to people who have experience in supportimg women in this hideous situation.
Take each day as it comes, I hope you get the chance to have a private word with the excuse for a human being that is your SIL.
She is lucky to have you.

OP - advice from my extended family where there was a similar situation, whatever you think and feel about your Son-in-law, tone down what you say to your Daughter.

If your daugher and her husband are able to work through this and stay married, if you have been too vocial in your disgust it might make things strained and mean she feels she can't come to you if he does something like this again. And it might make it hard for her to discuss her situation with you.

Other than that, listen, offer pratical support. She might not want her husband with her for the birth, can you offer? Also offer to move in for a week or so after the birth to look after her, if he's talking about leaving, he might not be the most helpful.

So sorry your Daughter is going through this, she is lucky to have a mother like you to support her.

Have you considered just cutting his knob off?

DrSeuss I like your thinking

Yes my thoughts would be running along those lines too.

Actually though it is a good idea to say as little as possible because if they stay together it really will be a case of least said, soonest mended.

What a hideous time for you. I have a young adult DD who had her heart well and truly broken by someone who, like you and your SIL, I was genuinely very fond of and felt to be part of the family - not the same at all, I know, but I still remember the sense of betrayal I felt personally, as well as the fury - how dare anyone treat my baby girl that badly.

The only advice I can offer is - go ahead with the operation as planned. If you've already put it off for 3 years, you need to get it done; your daughter will need you fit and well more than ever over the next few years. She'll still have her maternity leave, and will need your emotional support (which you can still give) more than your physical support/presence. Please don't delay it again.

My Ex sister in laws husband had 3 affairs before leaving her for the 4th woman, she should have known what he was like as he was engaged to someone else when he got with ex sister in law, anyway When she was told by one of her friends about the first affair she turned against that friend, every time he went off with another woman she would take him back and cut off anyone who had said anything bad about him, I think she thought if she had no one around that knew he could not keep it in his pants she could pretend it had not happened despite her slagging him off to everyone when he was shagging about.

I am sure your Daughter has more self respect, but it is worth thinking about what you say about him to her.
as much as you want to cut his small dick off don't tell your Daughter

Thank you all - even the extreme suggestions! Didn't sleep very well, but was expecting that, and some of the things posted have really helped to reinforce what I was already thinking.
SIL says he wants to be at the birth, but that's up to my daughter, she's what matters. Am not looking forward to seeing SIL next time, will have to be very strong, and neutral. I'm angry about the occasions my daughter was out and he wanted me to babysit because he "had something on" - yes, now I know what it was....but this isn't about me.
And there's a bewildered 4-year old in the middle of this, things have to be as normal as possible. I'm not quite so worried about the baby, he or she will be born into the situation. At the moment I don't think my daughter will want the marriage to continue, but as you say, there's always a chance, so mustn't do or say anything now to jeopardise that. One day at a time is such a sensible thing right now.
I didn't realise what a huge help this site was going to be, took a chance really, but thank you all so much.

I personally have had a similar thing happen to me, my exh decided he wanted out when I found out I was pregnant with our third child, he told me he didnt want any more children and I subsequently found out he was seeing someone else, they have since had a child and he had walked out on another woman previously who was pregnant with his child!!

It was a really awful and traumatic time for me, my mum was my rock she was always there often just to listen to me talk and with her support and love I have come through it, and as a result I am much closer to my mum

there will be days when your daughter seems fine, and I am sure what ever she is feeling inside she will put on a brave face for the sake of her son, an other times she will be down and upset, just knowing you will be there to help her through the bad days will be a help to her

I wish you and her loads of luck

Magnolia I am so sorry to hear about your son-in-laws affair. What a rotten man he must be to do this whilst his wife is pregnant and with a small child. Some men cannot handle being a parent, they do not want to share their wife with their children. It is exhausting having small children and a solid couple get through that and once the bad nights are over begin to enjoy parenthood. However, some men don't. I was left with 2 small children 25 years ago. I always said of my ex that he was a good father and a good husband but couldn't combine the both. He now realises how much of his childrens' lives his missed [he lives in the US] and now missing out on being an involved grandparent. Just be there for your daughter and grandchildren, the earlier advice on getting legal help is a sound one. Make sure she gets what she should out of the marriage.
Best luck to you all and remember you now have some new friends to talk to.

What a lovely, heartwarming final comment from dorsetpennt.

My daughters partner was totally unreliable, she tried to make the relationship work but in the end she decided enough was enough.My GS was four months old when she left him. I think she was worried that she would not cope with being a single mum - 3 years on and she is a great mum, my grandson sees his Daddy but I do the hand over as she finds it best not to see him. I tried to keep focussed on what was best for my GS and that seemed to work with both of them.
I would get good legal advice and my daughter had a residency order as her ex was not very reliable in bringing my GS back on time!!
Sounds like he has deceived you all and what ever happens it will be hard for them to get any trust back.My daughter felt very guilty at first about my GS not having a Daddy at home full time but now feels that he was not the best of role models anyway. Reassure you daughter that lots of woman do bring up children alone, bereaved mums, army wives etc and that if need be she and the children will be fine.The support you give her will make all the difference. I have a really strong bond with my daughter and Grandson which I am sure has partly come out of going through a tough time together. Good Luck

Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving, supportive mum! There are wise words of advice on here (though I don't include mutilating your sil in that category!)

Men who have affairs aren't usually evil and calculating - they're weak and stupid. One day your sil will look back with regret at what he's lost.

Do go and have the hysterectomy - if you need it then you will be dragged down by your symptoms and will feel so much better when it's done.

In purely practical terms I say go ahead with the op. I had a hysterectomy just 6 months after my husband left me with 3 kids. With everything else that was going on I didn't have the time to feel sorry for myself and that proved o be a blessing! I sincerely hope you have as easy an experience as I did. Recovered very quickly and felt so much better. A few years later I found myself supporting my daughter when her partner walked out leaving her with a 3 year-old and a 6 month-old baby.
BUT we've all come through and are very close. She is in a new relationship and I have the bonus of 2 new grandchildren.
You and your daughter will put in a lot of effort for a while but will come to a time when you can look back on it all and heave a sigh of relief.
Men may come and go but mums and daughters are always there for each other. There is no stronger bond!

Can only say that the reply from Fakeplastictrees is spot on; from having spoken to someone who is going through a marital break up [and having gone through one myself a few years ago], having an angry mum doesn't help. That's why it's good that you can vent your anger on here [because it has to go somewhere!]. When someone hurts our children the anger is almost unbearable, isn't it, but we also have to hide the pain that we're feeling as well. Men do react to their wives/partners being pregnant and giving birth in surprising ways, even to the point of having a sort of post natal depression sometimes. Terribly sad that something that should have been so happy has turned into a nightmare; just keep talking..there's a lot of support here for you.

..oh, and one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given when worrying about my children was that it was vitally important that I looked after myself, because if I didn't who would look after them? It almost gave me a carte blanche to think of myself, something that women have a problem doing. When we're not thinking of others, we're blaming ourselves for everything.

You know, I have a feeling your daughter is relieved on some level, that he is going, especially as she has you as her rock. Better that this happens sooner rather than later. Some boys just never become men, ans he sounds like one of them, because a real man can handle his responsibilities, and a real man knows how to stay loyal to his family.

You have done everything right, so I'm sure it will all work out for the best. And I would repeat what others have said - get the operation: I did and it improved my health and strength no end.

Life goes on.. I know it feels like you are the only people going through this situation, but unfortunately that is not the case. Stay strong, and be there for your daughter, but also be there for yourself. Don't worry you will all come through this, and all be stronger for it. I dont wish to seem to be sticking up for the SIL but no one not even mothers know what is happening in other peoples lives, so I think blame is such a negative response. I hope everything turns out ok, but it is much better to be on your own than with someone who doesnt want to be with you. If they decide to split it is sad, but it's quite possible that they won't and it may just be a blip, and they still love each other. But if they don't stay together my feeling is "You will never find the right person if you stay with the wrong one".

Dr.Seuss I totally agree with you and sadly its the only way...