Why is my daughter in law so competitive?

As for the guidelines; they arise from the 'new' idea that breast feeding is best for the child and our generation were conned by the dried milk industry to thinking that a bottle was more modern. I fed my 46 year old daughter on egg yolk at the age of 3 weeks and now she has got an egg allergy! She is a modern midwife and I didn't dare tell her that the egg allergy was maybe my fault as I was innocently following doctor's orders.

The DIL problem is very diffcult. My daughter married her schoolboy friend from down the road. We MILs are friends now and I found it difficult knowing both sides and sometimes things were tense until my daughter did behave badly to me. I went home and awaited an apology. When I criticised my DD her MIL stuck up for her! Since that day we have found a way to openly discuss the tensions which arise from DILs From my side I have her son as my SIL and we have no problems. It is different with sons and always will be.

I must be one of the lucky ones. My DiL and my other son's partner are like the daughters I never had and I can let my hair down with them - in fact, the wine comes out of the fridge when I come in the door! We see eye to eye on most things and they will talk to me about just about anything. And I don't think they like my ex-H very much which gives us something more in common!!

As I love my own mother in law very much and have always found her to be supportive, I want my daughters in law to have the same experience as I've had. I'm truly blessed as I genuinely like both of my sons girlfriends. My oldest son has been 'going steady' (do people still say that, or is it only me?) for a long time and I'm expecting that his girlfriend will, one day, become my daughter in law.
This is how I will look on that day:

Hi Catsgran,

You say that the slightest confrontation with my son...brings on no contact. But you shouldn't assume that the DIL is the one that is keeping your son from contact. I think it is great that you watch your grandchildren. Clearly the DIL/son must respect your ability to care for their children. I know that it must be very hard to have your relationship change since your son married, but I also imagine it is just something that happens and not necessarily someone's fault.

As a mom of three boys - my relationship with them is constantly changing. If you could try to see that and respect that as natural, maybe it would keep you from being so upset by the change.

I also believe that your son does have a BIG place for you in his heart. No matter what the circumstances, a child doesn't stop loving their parent/mom but instead has to make room in their heart for the others in their life as well.

My suggestions to you is to continue to work at the relationship but maybe except that the time he gives you is what he has at the time to offer and enjoy that time and the time with your grandchildren.

Maybe your DIl doesn't plan to have a lot of interaction with you for whatever reason and if that is the case, there is not reason to try and force her to. But, continue to show your love and support of your son and grandchildren and your son's relationship with your DIL - maybe eventually things will change and she will welcome a relationship with you.

My MiL was such hard work; I got her son pregnant, was not the right class, and was cleverer than her. I was only 19 and came from a loving family who forgave me my errors (1965, remember) and I didn't know how to cope with her nastiness. She came from a very tight, sort of middle class, Scottish (and how!) background, and I was the cause of her shame. (Not, you will notice, DH!)

But, as I've said elsewhere, I said little (probably because I didn't know HOW!) and was actually quite glad I hadn't after she died. We'd reahced an uneasy truce - especially when I produced sons. I wonder how I'd have reacted after I'd gone back to university, gained confidence and found out who I was etc?

I have two wonderful DsiL and I love them to bits. I am constantly amazed at their ability and affection. And, of course, I have the loveliest daughter in the world!

I was lucky - my MIL had my ex-OH and then another son exactly one year later. My OH was more or less brought up by his grandmother, who lived with them. Consequently, he was never very close to his mother and she didn't take much interest in us. She actually told me when I was pregnant that my child would not be as important to her as her DD's child. Fair enough, but I don't know why she had to tell me that.
My ex BIL and his wife had terrible problems. She was a widow of 26 with two lovely little girls aged 4 and 2. My in-laws refused to accept them as grandchildren and always bought them cheaper presents than their 'real' grandchildren. They were very narrow-minded and bigoted, and I often had to bite my lip when my FIL started off on his sexist or racist rants. They told me they would not attend our wedding if we had it in a catholic church (I don't know why they thought I would, as they knew I was an atheist) but they would come to a Registry Office wedding, which they did. I remember misquoting Shylock 'If this is Christian charity, thank god I am only an atheist'.
We decided at the start of our marriage that he would deal with his family and I would deal with mine - not that mine gave us any trouble, as my mother thought the sun shone out of me and always liked my OH.

I have only a SIL who is wonderful and knows how much I admire him. He is stepfather to my DD's four eldest children (they have another two as well) and nobody could have done a better job. His mother has always been kindness personified to my DD and her children.

I think I can understand why some wives feel threatened by their MIL's. You have been the most important woman in most of your son's life. She may feel that you will resent her and is on the defensive from the start.
I think it is sometimes possible to 'lance the boil' by being forthright, but by couching what you say in terms of how it affects you, rather than a criticism of her - i.e. It upsets me when you say.....because I really want to be your friend. Can you tell me how I can help our relationship - I know I must get it wrong sometimes.' It may make you grit your teeth to seem to be taking the blame, but ask yourself, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Most families have someone that is strange, my family and some of my children's in laws have more than their share. D1's FIL does not like D1 and barely speaks to her, she told her husband this and he assured her that she was imagining it. He doesn't know that his father told D1's friend that he could barely look at my daughter when he first met her. He may feel this way because D1 dared to live with his son and he has never forgiven her. He seems to forget that his own daughter lived with a violent man and had two children with him and then had to move away to get away from the violence. Or that the rest of his many children have all lived with their partners. Or that his S2 is nasty and no one in my family or quite a few in his family speak to him (he unfortunately married my niece). I would say it's D1's FIL's sanctimonious background that made him think that D1 was making his son 'live in sin' and stopped him finishing uni. He seems to have missed that his son was barely passing his subjects through lack of interest. He barely spoke to his eldest son so should not be surprised that his son moved away.
My daughter is a really decent woman and I am very proud of her. She has a wonderful career, loves her husband very much and has two beautiful daughters who are very much loved. D1 and I are puzzled why her FIL would tell one of D1's closest friends this information when he had never met her before. D1 is now wondering who else he has told this. It has put her on edge with her in laws now. She might not be as welcoming when they next visit and stay for a few days.

Maybe it's a good thing that all these strange and brittle people are shared out amongst our respective families, and we all have one or two - I dread to think what it would be like to have a few of them knocking about in the same family - they make life miserable for themselves and others. Some people seem to delight in being vengeful, telling malicious lies and enjoying other people's distress. They are in for a very lonely old age!

Oh dear, there is nowt as queer as folks. Thankfully we have no problems in our family, we all love each other dearly. My Mother used to fall over herself to do things for my DH, and she used to tell me off if she thought I was not being nice enough to him.

It's so interesting to read everyone's point of view about MIL and DIL relationships. I've just joined, having come onto the site because of my frustration, sadness and bewilderment
My experience has been going on since my 15month old grandson was born. A few not so nice things are:- my DIL hasn't phoned me or come over to see me once in all that time and they only live 10 minutes from my home. She tells my son what she expects me to do, which is more or less nothing, as she sems not to want to encourage my relationship with my grandson. As my user name suggests, I think being a grandparent is very special. My mother died when I was 18, so as a mother and grandmother, I didn't have an "imprint".
My son does his best, but DIL prefers to send her son to nursery 3 days a week, rather than the original 2 planned and 1 day with me. There are many other little niggles, but on the plus side she is a devoted mother, makes all his meals herself and was very patient with her premature baby. I've tried to be in her shoes, but don't think she's been in mine. It's so sad, as I've never had my grandson in my house on his own and often feel like social services are monitoring me when she's here. Probably we've never been close, but it's far worse now and as I hardly ever get the opportunity to talk to her, she can't say I'm interferring!

Welcome Grannyspecial. If you look back over the months, a few Gransnetters have talked about their frustrations at not being allowed to get close to their new grandchildren. Some new mums feel a bit threatened, others want to do everything themselves, and yet others have misunderstood something that may have been said casually and taken it to heart. Are you on good terms with her mother? Can you drop in with a small gift, and offer to help in some small way? Or perhaps send a card to say how much you enjoy seeing your grandchild and what a good job she is making of caring for him, as looking after a premature baby has much more entailed in it than many people realise (I have two sets of twin grandchildren who were premature).

Good luck - I hope things improve for you x

Hello Carol - thanks for your thoughtful response. Unfortunately my DIL's mother is exactly the same - neither of them have a "warmth" to their relationships with family. My younger son can't stand her sarcasm and one-liners. I've tried just about everything I can think of, including buying a membership to RHS Wisley (near where we live), so we could go together sometimes or she can go with her friends. Needless to say, I haven't been asked once to go there with her in the whole year. My son, her husband, brings my grandson to see me sometimes for a couple of hours and says "You know that she's very possessive". That sums up their relationship too.
It's a very unusual situation, as most of my friends, who are grandparents, see their grandchildren quite freely. I thought she may need me when she went back to work, but so far not!
I suppose I'll just have to live with it, but it's so hurtful.

Hello Grannyspecial you could use Mothers Day to send a card or small gift.

I always send something small to my Daughter and Daughter in Law from the GC, both are aware the gifts are from me as the children are too small(well 4 out of the 5) it does no harm showing your gratitude for all they hard work they do. Think Mothers Day is 18th March this year. Hope things improve for you.

Glassortwo - you are talking my language ! Have you ever had a card from your grandchildren? I haven't. I have told my DIL that I think she's doing a good job, especially in the early days. I will consider your suggestion anyway, as I don't want this to be the ongoing situation anmd it's not healthy for any of us. Thanks for your help.

Welcome Grannyspecial

Hello, Grannyspecial!

Hi grannyspecial

Hi grannyspecial welcome to GN

Grannyspecial if your son is able to bring your grandson to see you, perhaps he can make it a more regular thing. You will see on other threads that some of us have used lateral thinking and tried all sorts of strategies to get a few minutes with some of our grandchildren. There might be something you can do that will persuade him to make progress for you. If she's possessive, I wonder what that stems from and whether there is something that you could resort to that could include you in her possessiveness. There's more than one way to skin a cat!!

My DIL is a manipulator - I've known her for 16 years and since she's had their son and then got married she's defintely got worse. I'd say that she's insecure and just want my son to herself - this carries over into her son now. Most of my friends and family recognise this, but of course I'm the only one who has to "deal with it" I've tried so many things and I know that my son thinks that she should make more of an effort towards me, but I don't want to make trouble, so never criticise her to him. I usually ask him what he thinks can be done and he says, well you know what she's like!

I often feel like Henry Kissinger trying to negotiate a USA/UK diplomatic situation. Now I'm showing my age .... remember him from the 1970s

thanks for all your welcoming comments

I think I have been dealing with a version of the DIL you describe Grannyspecial. Ex-DIL who is nasty, mean and morbidly possessive and jealous. My son was emotionally abused and financially exploited by her for many years before he started disclosing what she did, although the whole family had sussed her by then. He left her a year ago and since then she has made our lives hell. It suited her to let me look after my grandson, though, so she could party and drink, but now I have to fight for every minute I get to see him.

The only chinks in her armour I can find are that she wants money, and if I let her save face every now and again, whilst asking what I can do in terms of paying for uniform, shoes, trips out etc. she 'allows' me a little time with my grandson (then withdraws it after she has got what she wanted). Also flattery occasionally works - I just grit my teeth and remind myself this is what keeps me in contact with my grandson.

Do you have any idea what the chinks in her armour might be?

Carol - you are so right about "flattery gets you anywhere" and I have tried this ploy, even with my DIL's mother, who just ignored me!!!!

There seems to be no chink at all ... until my son stands up to her. I didn't tell you that she arranged both days of Christmas with her family and for the first time in 61 years, I spent Christmas Day on my own (I did have offers). It was very upsetting, that my son went along with that arrangement, especially as I had all her family here for the day last year after the birth of my premature grandson. I spent Boixing Day with my other son's fiancee's parents, which was lovely.

I have moved on from all tha hurt and try to just get on with my life, which is quite full. Nevertheless, I'm in a "no win" situtation. My DIL isn't mean outwardly, but manipulates her prey behind the scenes.

Sorry that you're going through a difficult time yourself - I'm sure that gritting your teeth is the right thing to do, but I underrstand how hurtful it is for you.

Often grandchildren seem to be uses as weapons against us grandparents in marriages. So sad.

I had a similar experience over Christmas a couple of years ago - deliberately displaying what lengths she was going to do make it a special family Christmas and then engineering things to ensure I wasn't included. Fortunately, I have three other children and we got on with things ourselves, but it is hurtful when a DIL does this and son goes along with it for the sake of some peace.

What goes round comes round, and your DIL is not immune from everything coming back to bite her. She is creating hostility and, as one of the nasty texts I received from ex-DIL yesterday morning says 'no-one has given me any moral support - all I want is for someone to tell me that I am the one who has been kicked in the teeth. (Her parents live across the road, 30 years away - they are fed up with her). This came after a request (refused) to take my grandson to the cinema in the half terms hols. She lashes out nastily, then has to find a way to save face when I don't respond in kind, but offer sympathy (kills me to do it, but what can I do?).

Last night I got another text saying she had found a couple of books of my son's that he might want, if I would care to pick them up. This is her way of saying she realises she has gone too far and this way I will see my grandson for a few minutes when I call. I'll pick up some treats and a new book to take with me, and his daddy will send something with a letter, which I'll hand over to my grandson directly. Why do we have to go to these lengths, when we could expend all our love and energy on making grandchildren feel happy and secure?

Dealing with difficult DinLs especially if they are either too close to their own mothers, or are as in the case of one of my DinLs, on really bad terms with hers, can be a nightmare. I've spent many years carefully walking on egg shells, never being confrontational or critical. So far it's seemed to have worked well, but there again, I have always been 'useful' and their parents have most definitely not pulled their weight. Things may change now that chronic ill health has made me not so 'available', we'll see. I still think the best summing up of how to deal with a DinL was put forward by Estee Lauder who had an awful time with hers until she twigged she was interfering too much. She said that she then determined in future and 'keep her mouth shut and her handbag (ie be generous) open'.

I hope I was a good DiL. My DH was the youngest of 4 by a few years..post war de-mob baby born when MiL was 41. She was a sweet lady and v independent. We visited regularly and invited them regularly in return. Lived nearish so able to go for lunch or tea most weekends
I was naturally closer to my mum who also did some of my childcare but hope my DDs saw their grandmothers as 'equal' in terms of time and love!

As kids got older we continued to visit regularly and became the prime carers as DHs siblings lived further away. She never asked for anything and lived independently ( carers came in about 3 times a week to help with shopping and cleaning ) until her death at 98. My mum had died , aged 61 , some years previously so DDs became close to her.

I wonder what kind of MiL I am to my SsiL??