Why is my daughter in law so competitive?

I wonder if it has every crossed the minds of these difficult DILs that they themselves will be mothers-in-law one day when their sons marry and their own DILs might treat them in the same way. After all, what goes around comes around!!!

My DIL is very competitive in all aspects of life so it hasnt been easy. She is also from a European country and disappears there at every opportunity. I havent had a Christmas, Easter, or more than a couple of days with my son for years and its worse now as his job is so demanding that even if I manage to visit them in their distant home he is likely to have to work. I have now asked, after years of keeping quiet, whether we could have a Christmas together on alternate years, especially since there is still scope for them to visit her home country after seeing us - the special day in her country is 6 January in any case. This was responded to only by my son who agreed it was perfectly reasonable. Having seen that Christmas flights were available to book the other day, I asked if I should book flights for myself and younger son while they were still so cheap. Panic ensued, with my son obviously in stress trying to keep DIL happy by not committing to any dates, saying there were many work commitments in the offing. I now feel they can jolly well come and find ME - but of course this plays right into DIL's hands....

I really relate to difficult daughter-in-laws. My DIL is a very conniving little so and so. Totally has my son under her control.

We weren't happy with his choice but hid this from her and never let her feel any different. However, she's a nightmare but never to his face and he always believes her word over mine.

The most humiliating aspect was when her family held a party and invited us to come along. As it's customary in our culture to accept and bring gifts, we went ahead and did this. At this party, her cousin tried to treat me like a servant to which I did not tolerate and told her not to disrespect me as I've been very nice. Her brothers who are the age of my children shouted at me for saying this. My DIL didn't defend me at all nor did she get her brothers to apologise for this sort of behaviour. We left the house in disgust and my son never apologised on behalf of his in-laws.

Even after this, I have allowed my DIL to come into my house and have never held her family's behaviour against her or made her feel unwelcomed. I've even supported her against my other daughters who dislike her as they see her conniving manipulative side.

I know have a grand-daughter from them however I am unable to see them unless they supervise me. I have bought four children up successfully all going into professional careers, I think I know a thing or two about parenting! My DIL is currently on maternity leave and enquired the days I work. She has deliberately ensure her return to work are on the exact same days to ensure there is no chance of me babysitting my grandchild while she's at work.

It really hurts and I can only hope my son sees through it one day. My SIL on the other hand is amazing. Never been a problem and infact sometimes, he does far more for me as a SIL than my very own DS.

My MIL (well actually ex-MIL since I've been divorced for well over a decade) just died aged nearly 108; she was quite a character. We never got on but looking back I realise that because my family of origin was completely different from hers (they had lots of shouting matches and she always said exactly what came into her head - the opposite to mine where conflict and expression of emotions was completely forbidden), I was terrified of her and didn't know how to cope at all. Had I simply been able to 'give as good as I got' instead of cowering in a corner I think we would have got on much better. The trouble is it takes maturity to do that and I was hopelessly immature when we first met and my ex-DH didn't know how to handle the situation either. So she and I never managed to make a decent relationship which actually deprived us both, as well as my children. Hope this helps someone!

Yes, having brought up 4 children you do know a thing or two about bringing up children. But there is more to know than just your 'thing or two'. I brought up 6 children with varying degrees of success and people sometimes say 'You must know everything about bringing up children' - my response is that I know a little bit about bringing up my own children but little or nothing about bringing up anyone else's including my own grandchildren. A bit of humility might help your situation I'd have thought.

Is it wrong to have a birthday cake for my granddaughter party ..I was told not to because they was having just one party am I wrong for that..? I have always had a little party..

Is it wrong to have a cake for grandchild .. ?

My daughter-in-law said no birthday cake this year they was having a party at her mothers.. I have always had a party for her so I am really hurt by this am I wrong for wanting to do a cake and ice cream???? Please help ?

Hi lovemykids - it is understandable that you are feeling hurt and of course it's not "wrong" to have a cake for a grandchild. But in the grand scheme of things and the situation you have described, you have to ask yourself how important it is - and is it worth making a fuss about. I'd say no, and I would let it go, and enjoy the celebration for my grandchild, with the rest of the family.

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Any young woman who spends her time criticising the way you do things compared with the way she does them is probably basically dreadfully insecure in the housekeeping area and possibly elsewhere as well.

Next time she starts off about things, smile and say, "Well, love, we will have to agree to differ. You have your ways and I have mine."

Congrats on the coming grandchild. Tell your DIL that you have no intention of boring her with advice as your mum and mother-in-law did when you were expecting or a new mum, but you are there to be asked if she needs advice.

grandtanteJE65

Any young woman who spends her time criticising the way you do things compared with the way she does them is probably basically dreadfully insecure in the housekeeping area and possibly elsewhere as well.

Next time she starts off about things, smile and say, "Well, love, we will have to agree to differ. You have your ways and I have mine."

Congrats on the coming grandchild. Tell your DIL that you have no intention of boring her with advice as your mum and mother-in-law did when you were expecting or a new mum, but you are there to be asked if she needs advice.

The child in the original post will be coming up to ten years old now. :-)

OceanMama I was just going to say the same thing