recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

It's been a while since we heard from dancingfeet who started this thread. I wonder how things are with her now?

Not good I'm afraid Em. It is good though to read that someone is thinking about me. Unfortunately I seem to be suffering some kind of post traumatic shock after another incident destroyed all the healing I thought I had achieved. I feel so lonely and let down by everyone, except for a couple of good friends. My doctor lied to me when she said she couldn't help me with counselling. I went for my flu jab and saw one of the doors with a CBT Therapy notice on it. The relate counsellor had to cancel an appointment and I can't get another one for months. A CPN patronisingly told me she thought I was sprightly and to go and join the U3A, that would sort out my problems. My family thinks I should pull myself together and go on a holiday alone. I am really trying, by doing all the positive things I can for myself, but I feel as if I am sinking deeper into a pit of despair. I think it could be because of the loss of hope. The hope that I would start to feel better, the hope that I might find some acceptance or forgiveness, the hope that the bitterness and anger would stop gnawing away at me, the hope that I would stop despising this person that has been in my life for 46 years. Unfortunately it seems to be getting worse rather than better. I tried a bit of retail therapy today, but had to get back to the security of my home as fast as I could which is not like me at all. Thanks for your good wishes.

dancingfeet, try to be kind to yourself for a while. Don't listen to people who tell you what you should be doing. And don't push yourself at all. If you want to curl up in a corner with an easy-read book and some chocs, do that. If you feel like a quick dash to the shops to spoil yourself, do that. Only do the things you want to do.

It sounds as though you have had a hell of a shock. You need rest and recuperation. Let time pass.

Four months just isn't long enough. Not after 43 years.

dancingfeet, what jingle's just said is what I was going to say too. You need to rest. I don't know how my own family would try to help me at a time like this - probably rather similarly to your own,though. They'd mean well, but a holiday probably is the last thing you need just now. Keep up with the appointments that you do have though - and if any medication that you've been given doesn't seem to be working very well, than go back to your GP. Take it easy.xx

A few short months really isn't long enough and you have to be patient with YOURSELF. There are no set targets here - no-one can say that 4 months on you should be feeling such and such and at 6 months you should manage to do x y or z. I well remember feeling as you do now. For some reason I found an aromatherapy massage very comforting - sounds trivial but it was something of a turning point because I actually felt myself relaxing properly after all the tension. All I can say, years later, is that the tunnel felt so long and for a long time there WAS no light at the end of it but several months later I did meet someone special and we had a few good and happy years before it got a bit stale and I ended it. We are still friends though. Oddly enough I found the practicalities of dealing efficiently with the divorce was quite therapeutic too. You do seem to be doing the right things so please just be kinder to yourself and, unlikely though it seems right now, it really will get better in time. Please keep in touch.

A big, big hug to you dancing feet. I really know how you feel, its hard to do normal things when you don't feel normal, but you haven't crumbled yet, so chin up!

Give yourself time, dancing feet; and know that we are all thinking of you, so you're not alone. Hugs. xxxxx

dancingfeet I see that you have posted on another thread that you are having even more to deal with in your family, my heart goes out to you, all those emotions must be overwhelming !

I've only just found this thread,andDancingfeet I so understand what you are going through. I too had panic attacks when I was out and had to rush home where I felt safe. My first marriage ended 20 years ago and I could still get angry and upset if I allowed myself to think about it now. But I don't, because time has passed and I can put it out of my mind.
You need to give yourself permission to be kind to yourself, because that's what you need. Look after you, you deserve it. It will take a long time to recover from this betrayal, but you will get better. I wish I could give you a hug, but I am sending huggy vibes. Keep strong, we are all here for you xx

Dancing feet - I think what you go through in your situation is almost a bereavement process, in that you're mourning the death of something you were so sure of. And all the emotions you feel are the same as the bereavement ones - anger, grief, guilt, and so on, and you have to work through them. GNetters' advice is sound; it is only a few months and you need to take time to look after yourself. You clearly ( as we've seen on another thread) got an awful lot going on in your life. xxxxx

I think that it is wonderful that you are getting such sound advice on this site. I would like to back up Ariadne's post.
We think that grief only applies to a death of a loved one - but it does not. All the emotions/symmptoms/problems that are tied up with grief also apply to other situaitons.
I saw an excellent counsellor today who is trying to help me come to terms with the loss of the retirement that I had hoped for, due to my OH's worsening parkinson's disease, and to my chronic fatigue syndrome brought on by a virus over a year ago. She helped me to see that what I am going through is a process of grieving for the life that I had planned. We just retired and then everything collapsed healthwise.
You are faced with something similar - grieving for the future that you had expected, and for those bits of the past that now seem tainted by what has happened. Grieving is a difficult process and you must let yourself acknowledge that - the worst thing you can do is to blame yourself for not being able to "pull yourself together" - you would not expect someone who has been bereaved to be able to do that after a few short months, so you must not ask that of yourself.
Someone else has said that you must be kind to yourself and I would like to back that up. You must do whatever helps you to get through this.
I am sorry that it has proved difficult to get access to a good counsellor. Is there any progress on that front?
It is very hard to have faith in yourself as a worthwhile person when you have been treated so badly - but you must hang on to your essential worth as a human being and not let yourself be undermined by this.
You will venture back into life at your own pace - you will know when you are ready to put a toe in the water of all these sensible things that family are suggesting like joining activities/holidays that will re-engage you with the community and with life in a new way.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and a good future ahead - you just need to give yourself a bit of time to lick your wounds (you have been injured after all) and to return to a new way of life.
Above all have faith in yourself.

I went onto anitdepressants for a while when my marriage broke up. I tried not to take them for ages, but in the end my doctor persuaded me it was the best thing to do, and he was right. I took a non addictive one that helped me to sleep and, after a while took myself off them gradually.

Dancingfeet - I have only just joined the forum and read your posts with such a heavy heart. My daughter found after 14 years of marriage and four children that her husband was gay and had been visiting male prostitutes in Thailand - they lived in Malaysia at the time. She and the children had to go back to England and have tests for HIV. I thought she would die of grief. -

I live in a beautiful and peaceful part of the French Alps and if you ever feel like getting away and just being pampered I would love you to be my guest.

I've been hesitating to post on here because I know I've been naive and too trusting. Reading through this post however has encouraged me. I am in my mid-seventies. I loved and trusted a man who turned out to be a very clever con man who has relieved me of my life savings and everything I earned. I have recently moved and doing my best to get on with life. It's happened, I can't change it, so the only possible way is forward. He is in prison, and I find it strangely difficult to stop wondering if he ever gives me a thought. Hindsight is the only exact science and it's no help to keep thinking 'Why?' and 'How?'. I just go round in circles. I have three children and four grandchildren and they are what keep me going.

If I can offer any support to anyone else who is in a similar position, I would be only too happy to do so.

Daisyanswerdo, what a dreadful story. Wish you hadn't hesitated so long to take us inmto your confidence. No-one here is going to think any the worse of you. I do hope this treacherous *** got a sentence commensurate with the misery he has caused. You will get great support on these forums, but obviously so much damage has already been done. I feel so sad for you but glad you have a supportive family and now a multitude of supportive grans. (((((hugs)))))

daisy thank goodness you have a loving family to keep you going.((Hugs))
And us of course!

Come on here and have a rant Daisyanswerdo. What a complete jerk to treat you like that. Having worked with many prisoners over the years, I can say that he may not feel he has done you that much harm, as he would have needed to permit himself to do what he did in the first place. These types often see what they make off their victims as their fee. If he thought for a moment you were waiting for him, he could be back to relieve you of any more you might have accumulated. Don't look back and be thankful you have parted from him now. You deserve better. Your family must be keeping a careful eye out to ensure you are not harmed any further. He is, as you say, a con merchant, so the person you thought you loved didn't actually exist.

Do you have any thoughts or fantasies about how you would like to exact some sort of imaginary revenge or retribution on him? Some people find it helps to create an elaborate story that places the perpetrator in an embarrassing or hilarious situation that will ensure the world at large knows about their criminal ways, so they cannot do it again. It's one of many ways of ridding yourself of the anger and hurt you feel about what he did. The angrier you get, the more elaborate the fantasy can become until you view him as powerless to hurt you again.

Look after yourself and come back if you feel you need to vent your feelings

Carol that was one of the wisest entries I have seen. Are you into professional counselling? If not why not? You should be.
Daisy, I lost my husband 8years ago. The process you are going through is identical to grieving. Trust me (I am a Dr) but seriously , there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will recover! It just takes time. Don't try to rush it. Take onee day at a time. All the aphorisms,but true. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi jeni yes, have been a counsellor alongside my job prior to retiring, but the best coping strategies I learned for dealing with abusive men came from their victims, not just from professional training. Some of the wickedest and most effective ways of ridding themselves of the harmful memories have had me in stitches at times, and they were tailored to the individual woman's experience. I have split my sides laughing with women who have run their abusive partner's toothbrush round the dog's mouth every day, put melting chocolate laxatives in his coffee, or concocted elaborate fantasies of luring the perpetrator into very public police traps, knowing it has done them the world of good to find some small way of getting back at these cruel men.

Well done Carol. Ok I'm signing off now. Have an early start tomorrow!

Have only just caught up on this thread.
Dancingfeet I send love and hugs to you and all those for whom this is their first Christmas alone after bereavement,divorce or a family trauma .
Be kind to yourself and keep singing 'I will survive'!

Do you in fact dance or sing.I've found both can be therapeutic especially in a group.

Greatnan - that is indeed a lovely offer to Dancingfeet........so kind xx

Annobel, nanachrissy, Carol and jeni, I am so grateful for and touched by your replies. Such spontaneous sympathy and insight made me quite tearful! The vision of the toothbrush and the dog will stay with me for a long time - wonderful. It is the way forward, humour and imaginings to cope with the anger. He's in prison and I gather has had some traumatic illness that has left him partially paralysed, so life cannot be a bowl of cherries. Part of me thinks 'Shame', another 'Tough' and another tries not to think about him at all.

I've just got back from my youngest grandson's first birthday party. They live nearby. His expression when the cake and the candle came in and we all sang 'Happy birthday' was something I won't forget. I'm going to my other son and his family for Christmas.

Yes, one day at a time - slow and steady - are things I tell myself.

I'm ok at the moment, but if in the future things get on top of me I am so grateful for the reassurances that I could come back on here to 'the multitude of supportive grans'! - I love that vision! Thank you.

I'd like to add a hug to dancingfeet; your posts made my heart ache for you and I hope so much you are finding some comfort and a way forward.