Gransnet forums


when should a daughter tell mum she is pregnant

(49 Posts)
granto7 Tue 06-Sep-11 23:13:10

is there an ideal time for a daughter to tell mum she is pregnant????

crimson Tue 06-Sep-11 23:54:38

My daughter told me she was pregnant on the day I was crying my eyes out because Desert Orchid had died. I'd said that, if life was like a jigsaw puzzle the pieces of mine were starting to be taken away [I'd sobbed my heart out when Syd Barrett had died as well]. She hesitated and said shhadn't meant to tell me, but she wanted to start putting the pieces back together again. I'll never forget that moment.

granto7 Tue 06-Sep-11 23:56:45

aaahhhhh crimson my heart goesout to you !!!!!!1

jackyann Wed 07-Sep-11 06:47:12

When it "feels" right to you.

A common courtesy is to tell your mum before anyone else (other than the father of course!) immediately followed by the other grandparents.

It's fairly common to tell grandparents early, but ask them not to tell anyone else until the second trimester.
However, individual families & their relationships are so variable you can't always do this.

Some mums like a bit of time to get used to being pregnant before they tell anyone at all! Some mums have mothers who just "know"!!!

My mum had only daughters - we both told her at about 8-10 weeks. I have only sons, only GC so far, we were told at about the same time, they day after d-i-l's mum, and asked to tell no-one else until 13 weeks.

Baggy Wed 07-Sep-11 06:49:46

When it suits you.

Grossi Wed 07-Sep-11 07:15:37

After the first time when I thought she would be pleased (instead she was horrifiedsad), I waited as long as I possibly could. I still had to tell her first of course, otherwise she would have been mortally offended.

susiecb Wed 07-Sep-11 08:58:01

When it happens naturally. Go with the flow.

Grumpyoldwoman Wed 07-Sep-11 10:08:49

My daughters told me as soon as their period was a few days late ..the eldest is so open about everything..I feel so privileged to be their confidant in so many things..........
how different to my mother .... (these are 'word for word'..they hurt so much , they are imprinted on my heart)

1st baby (after we had been married for 3 yrs. I took her some flowers to soften her up because she would know what we had been doing)
''Well I thought you would have waited longer with today's ...''methods''. When is the baby due ?''
(me) ''October''......
''October ! October ! I had a baby in October and I know what it's like!!''

hmmmm, I thought 'is it more painful in October?'
Mum. 'You'll have all the cold weather coming, and dark nights ..much nicer to have a baby in Spring!!''

2nd Baby ( 2.5 yrs down the line) ..due in DECEMBER !!!!!
'' Well that will just about mess everyones Christmas up !!''..she was born on 22nd.

3rd Baby ..I had a pretty rough time having 2nd baby so Mum had already 'warned' me not to have any more !!
I told her that I wanted another baby when we visited Wigan (as we had now moved to Scotland).....she cried every day !!!*NO one EVER has a 3rd baby by choice*
When I got pregnant we decided not to tell any family for as long as possible but when my MIL was very ill and she asked me if there was any sign of the baby we wanted we told her.
Therefore I had to tell Mum (I was terrified and my knees were knocking as I dialled)
'' Well don't expect any help from me !!!!'' and she put the phone down.
She adored her grandchildren but I could never please her.( sorry to bore you ..I know I have talked about this in another post)

Needless to say my in-laws were absolutely delighted each time but my lovely MIL died 4 days after I told her about baby 3.

I think so much depends on the relationship between Mother and daughter and how comfortable the daughter feels talking to Mum. After all if anything does go wrong she will need her Mum. (unless she has a Mum like mine)

Baggy Wed 07-Sep-11 10:29:26

Oh, grumpy! sad Whatever can have been the matter with your mother? Don't worry about boring me. It's good to get these things off your chest sometimes.

My sister's partner was a bit put out a few years ago when his son and DIL didn't tell him they were expecting their eighth child until well into the pregnancy. My sister said, It's not as if we would have been negative or anything. P only said "Not another one!"

Erm... Sis..... That's negative!

jangly Wed 07-Sep-11 10:37:09

As soon as she knows it herself!

(well, after her DH - I suppose)

harrigran Wed 07-Sep-11 11:40:34

No, don't tell her Mum for ages, we only worry and nine months is a long time. Having said that I guessed with my DIL, I just seemed to sense it but never told a soul until they announced it.

absentgrana Wed 07-Sep-11 11:57:03

My daughter couldn't wait to tell me every time she was pregnant – she has four children. She was happy for me to pass on the news to other members of the family in this country but only I was to know whether she was expecting a boy or a girl. The one time there was an exception to this last rule was when we knew that my mother was dying and my daughter asked me to tell her grandmother that the baby was to have one of the same names as her. This brought my mother much joy but sadly she died 12 days before her lovely namesake was born.

My ex – my daughter's father – was also informed immediately on each occasion. His response to the first pregnancy was, "Knowing the absent family, it's bound to be a girl". Our daughter and only child was very upset and angry. (The firstborn was, in fact, a boy.) By the time she told him about the fourth pregnancy his comments concerning the sexual relations between her and her husband are far too vulgar to repeat here. Fortunately, he has had a complete change of heart and has grown much closer to all the family.

janreb Wed 07-Sep-11 14:15:59

When my husband told his mother we were expecting a third baby (we'd put off telling them as long as possible) she said "not another one" (she had had four children) and put the phone down. She didn't speak to us again until he phoned to tell her the baby had been born and was ok but I was very ill - we heard nothing for a further six months and then she phoned to speak to my husband but when I answered the phone she said - oh you are alive then!

absentgrana Wed 07-Sep-11 15:00:37

Judging by some of the rotten things said to some gransnetters by their own mothers, it seems that some mothers don't deserve to be told or to have grandchildren. Whether you consider another child – or even the first – a bad idea, mums should keep their reservations to themselves and, if they can't be enthusiastic, at least be encouraging.

Faye Wed 07-Sep-11 15:03:10

janreb what a horrible MIL, I would have hung up on her!!!

Libradi Wed 07-Sep-11 15:22:32

My daughter told me as soon as she was late, she just can't keep quiet about anything lol.

kittylester Wed 07-Sep-11 15:36:22

When I told my mum about number 3 she said "I only ever wanted 2!" (She actually had 3 and my youngest brother always knew he was a mistake - but strangely, the favourite!) By the time we got to number 5, Mum was announcing to her friends that "of course" I had help with the children and when asked why, said it was so no-one thought I was kept barefoot and pregnant in a council house!!! Sorry if I've posted that before but it still makes my blood boil! angry Our own daughters have told us at different times depending on their different personalities and circumstances. One took ages to conceive and therefore was really excited. Another was told she would never conceive so was overjoyed and shocked and the youngest had 2 early miscarriages so was very reticent to tell anyone.

Heather Wed 07-Sep-11 16:03:15

I only have one grand-child - my eldest daughters' daughter - and I told her that she was expecting ... despite us living 100 miles apart at the time and only having telephone conversations. She took 5 tests trying to prove me wrong ... but she couldn't, every one of them was positive!!!!!

Annobel Wed 07-Sep-11 16:26:47

Are you psychic, Heather?

janreb Wed 07-Sep-11 17:39:03

Believe me Faye I could write a book about my MIL but no one would believe it! My middle daughter has 6 children, goodness knows what my MIL thinks about that.

em Wed 07-Sep-11 18:50:05

Janreb - my reaction to your post was OMG aloud!!
I suspected the pregnancy before my 20yr-old unmarried daughter told me - the same evening that the GP confirmed it so, in my own mind I was ready for it and didn't react inappropriately! 2nd time was planned and no surprise. 3rd - 10 years later and with a new partner was a surprise and my first concern was for her health as she'd had various problems in the interim. 4th announcement came after we'd had a discussion about how she hadn't lost her baby weight from baby 3. Didn't dawn on either of us as she was still breast-feeding and hadn't started to menstruate again! Just 14 mnths between GC 3 and 4! She certainly told me before the general announcement was made, and each time told me the sex of the baby so I could start knitting in the right colour!

chester21 Thu 08-Sep-11 22:20:14

i told my mum when i was 5/6 weeks asked her not to say a word to anyone until i said it was ok to do so after the 1st scan, put the phone down had forgotten to say something so rang her back the phone was engaged. Rang my grandmother her phone was engaged it turned out that she rang to tell my gran after i specifically told her not too tell a soul. I was so angry to say the least.

jangly Thu 08-Sep-11 22:21:07


em Thu 08-Sep-11 23:22:57

After 2 adoptions it didn't dawn on me that I was pregnant until 13 weeks! We told my folks immediately that we had to buy a bigger car to accomodate an extra passenger and then had to spell it out in words of one syllable as no-one expected to hear that announcement ever!

Faye Fri 09-Sep-11 03:35:09

My daughters told me as soon as they know, my daughter in law I think it has been usually been fairly soon after she finds out.
My daughter told her three year old son as soon as she knew that Mummy was going to have a baby. He immediately told everyone that he was getting a baby sister. He was right too!! smile