unfaithful son in law

grandmaagain I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. I expect you are still in shock as you hadn't known about the previous incident so it seems to have come out of the blue for you. there is nothing worse than seeing your child hurt no matter how old they are and as someone further up has said you trusted him with your precious daughter so it's a betrayal of you and your husband too. It's somehow even worse at this time of year isn't it? I have found gransnet to be a huge source of help and advice these last couple of months and I urge you to use it as it is somewhere you can "talk" without being judged, share your hurt without burdening those you are trying to help, and swear as much as you like at the unfairness of it all and say the unsayable. Believe it or not you will be able to draw on those reserves of strength, which all mothers seem to have, to help your daughter through this sad time. and gransnet will listen to you and acknowledge your feelings. xx

thank you all I can't tell you how much your concern means to me at the moment'

So sorry to hear this - why is it that some men cannot resist the urge to follow where their d* is pointing?

It is so hard, as we always want the best for our children, whatever their age; and also because everyone feels cheated. We develop close relationships with our sons in law - and that is good - but we too are left feeling cheated when something like this happens.

I am sure that you will be a rock for your D and that she will appreciate your support.

Good luck with it all.

Excellent, common sense speak Carol - So many of us get 'caught up' in the aftermath of our children's failed and broken relationships. We learn to love and trust others with the most precious things in our lives - our own children.........and then be there to pick up the pieces when they are hurting.
As ga says "pain is pain - whatever the cause"
Love to anyone who is going through any kind of pain today........... xxxx

grannyactivist you hit the nail on the head with the comment about grans shoring up the family. It all gets a bit much on occasion and you have to pull up the drawbridge and take some time to look after yourself, too. It's so easy for the wise grandparents to get caught in the middle and find themselves mediating and delivering messages to the other party that have been watered down so they don't come across as hostile, or devised to wind the other person up. It takes a toll on your own emotional wellbeing. Whatever the source is, the pain of this situation is just awful and the little person who has only recently entered the world should be protected and loved by everyone involved. I find if I can assure myself I've done the right thing by my grandchild, I can do the shoring up for the others, and take a few hours of refuge from it all when I get chance. Make yourself unavailable every now and again grandmaagain and let them be the adults who have to sort their futures out. Best wishes x

grandmaagain - one thing I am sure of is that pain is pain; whatever the cause! Your problem is NOT petty and what you are going through now will be very similar in lots of ways to what our family is going through. There is grief in your situation too and in some ways it's just as hard I think; there's loss and betrayal, lies and deceit, hurt and sadness......and a child and grandchild for whom life has taken an unexpected and difficult course. You're entitled to your feelings.

oh GA after all you have been through my problem seems petty, but oh we did love him and were so very sure he loved her it is a bombshell we never expected in our wildest nightmares

grandmaagain, when people have affairs they seem to somehow enter a new realm of 'reality'; running life on parallel tracks. I have a delightful SIL who (I believe!) adores our daughter - and trying to imagine what I might feel if I discovered he was having an affair is really difficult. I expect you must be feeling a combination of differing emotions - and at the same time you're trying to shore up the rest of the family! What a horrid situation to be in, BUT you're obviously a close family and it's at times like this when you realise the value of that. You can also vent on here at any time and know that you have lots of support, which I'm sure you'll find invaluable - it has been a lifeline for me. Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and .

Hi grandmaagain. I do hope you are looking after yourself in all this, and wonder whether you are yet able to distinguish what has been positive about this foolish young man and the bits that you abhor. My guess is that much of what you knew of him was not a sham, and the part he had compartmentalised as a secret is the behaviour that you should not condone or accept.

Having been through a similar experience this year, I have found that my view of the other party has ranged from 'what a spiteful vengeful person you are' to 'I might understand why you have been acting like this on occasion.' In the end, both will continue to be parents and at the appropriate time should be encouraged to collaborate on their shared parenting, bringing in grandparents and other relatives on both sides. This is such a challenging enterprise, which brings utter despair and unbound elation at times. I do hope you will all be able to find some common ground for the sake of your lovely grandchild, and do take care

thank you all the pain is unbearable at the moment. he really did seem such a lovely lovely man the whole family loved him. had to tell my 85 year old mother yesterday can you imagine her grief then my dear brother and his family (we are close) today my other daughter comes back from a weekend away with her new husband and this is what they are comming back to, the sisters are very loving but even she has no idea what has gone on.poor dh spends his time either in tears or just silent which is almost worse sil was everything we could have wished for he brcame a real friend to both of us we had so much in comman many shared interests and we loved his parents too now we know it was all a sham I really can't bear it.

Feeling some of your pain grandmaagain - betrayal is the worst thing especially with a new baby. The sadness we carry for our children is sometimes unbearable but, as others have said, he will be the loser in all of this. Little consolation now I'm sure but being there for your daughter and grandson is all you can do right now. Good luck, sending hugs and xxx

grandmaagain So hard for you and your daughter. ((((hugs)))
Tosh hello old friend. Hope you're well.

Oh dear grandmaagain...my heart aches for you all. Your poor daughter must be in 'bits' and it is so very hard to see your child suffering and feeling helpless when you can't take their pain away.
It happened to our middle daughter about 7 yrs ago and it was devastating to watch her heart breaking.
Fortunately they did not have any children, they were trying for a baby, and he was cheating on her.
You can only 'be there' for your daughter, to help and support her and your lovely grandson...what a silly man.....he will live to regret what he has done I'm sure.
Take care of yourself and each other......have a ((((((((((hug)))))))))) and and xxxxxxx

Grandmaagain, I am so sad for you all. He is the loser in all of this, and what will his son think of him when he gets older?

So sorry Grandmaagain

An unfaithful husband is bad enough, an unfaithful SiL, doubly painful so lots of hugs and positive thoughts.Just keep all channels of communication open because that little baby has two parents forever.

grandmaagain I'd like to add my sympathy to you and your daughter. I sometimes feel that very little progress has been made and that so many men are still abusing and deserting women. But we are definitely the stronger sex, and I am sure that you will be strong and supportive to your daughter and she will come through all this and make a better future for herself and your new grandson.

May I add my sympathies GA ? . I know just what you are going through - at these times we also need support and strength to help our children . I am sure you will find it among your friends on GN ..When we were going through similar times as you I would console myself that when one door closes another opens . Anyway who wants such pond life around when there are much nicer people out there . Good luck to you and all your family -- it will get better I know it will .
PS I think the door has just opened for my DD !!

grandmaagain - what a swine of a 'man' he must be. So easy for some of them just to walk away, leaving a trail of pain and misery behind them. It's hurting you so much (and your DH), but you'll find the strength to keep her ok, I'm sure.

grandmaagain i'm so sorry to hear your news ...your daughter must be devastated.

Try to keep stong for her hugs

Oh grandmaagain that's terrible.

We are currently in a similar situation and are finding things out about our SIL that we quite frankly wish we didn't know.

Your DD sounds similar to mine, in that she's the "strong silent type" and keeps a lot to herself.

I find it very hard that she didn't tell us herself, but am so proud of how she is coping.

Your poor DD and poor you. You must feel completely betrayed. All I can say is that she will come eventually to acknowledge that she is well rid of him but it will take time and she has so much to work through. But she has you and your DH and support like that has no price.

grandmaagain, how desperately sad you must be feeling for your DD. Perhaps it would comfort her to remember that she may have lost this man but in his place she has a new little person to whom she will be the whole world and who she can give her love to without reservation. He will bring so much trust and happiness back into her life.

grandmaagain, I am so sorry to read your post.

grandmaagain we have all at some time been lulled into thinking things are all hunky dory and when it happens under our noses and we didn't/don't see it, we feel like yes we must have been blind...but your daughter obviously didn't want to worry you, but now it is out in the open I am sure she will feel a great relief at not having to hide anything from you..My daughter is totaly opposite and seems to tell me everything that has gone on, (sometimes I don't know if thats better).. we despise her previous partner whom she was with for 7 yrs..and who is our grandsons dad, so of course we have to smile when we mention HIS!! name when grandson is around (but mutter quietly under our breath) with our own words.
How awfull at any time, but especialy now.. I hope you manage to some how get through.... take care.