Gransnet forums


unhappy marriage

(76 Posts)
graninthemist Sat 24-Dec-11 18:49:07

Can anyone who is in the totally wrong relationship, after many years, please help! Chatting to someone in the same situation would be so good.

crimson Thu 29-Dec-11 19:50:20

January is the most depressing month in the year as well. If you've put on a lot of weight due to being unable to go to work etc because of your wrist, you could ask your doctor for orlistat to get the weight off, or even discuss taking an anti depressant; sometimes you can sink so low physically and mentally that you need a bit of a lift to get going again. I do understand what it's like being in a relationship where your partner doesn't want to socialise much, as that's where I am these days, and the internet and forums such as this are a great way of chatting to people. Do you have any interests that would have a forum that you could join? I'm on film and sport forums, and have met a lot of great people through them. I may not have a social life, as such, but he can't stop me chatting to people in cyberspace!

Greatnan Thu 29-Dec-11 19:59:54

New Year - new start. Start the rest of your life now. No junk food, more walking, get a good might even shock your husband into being more companionable.

I have lived with a depressed person (my daughter) and I know how hard it is to stay positive yourself whilst trying to help them.

Is there any chance you could visit your son in Australia? A bit of sunshine could be a real tonic.

sunflowersuffolk Thu 29-Dec-11 20:05:09

Dear Jess, Nanachrissy, Shysal, Annobel, Mishap, Glamma and Carol - thanks to you all for such warm and helpful posts. It's so good to be able to express my feelings without holding back.

Actually I HAVE considered a short walking holiday, my husband wouldn't like me going away alone, but I have money he's given me as birthday present, and it would be a small adventure for me to go away alone, and just to say ""that's what I want to do. " A friend and her husband did a HF holiday in Scotland this year, and loved it. I do feel I should start to walk regularly locally first, just so I'm a little fitter - that's how I broke my wrist, walking alone! The trouble is, he doesn't want to do things himself, and really doesn't like me going off without him. He is like his Dad was, and I remember his Mum was always more outgoing, she had a struggle just going to WI etc as he didn't like her leaving him!!

For several years my cousin and I had a long weekend in germany at the Christmas markets, he didn't like it, but I went anyway. She can't at present as she cares for her Dad who's not at all well.

We did have a month in Australia last January when my son married out there, which was wonderful. My husband has always wanted to go to Hawaii, its a dream of his, but he relies on me to do the research and booking, so may be I'll get on with that also, as it would probably do us both good, otherwise it won't happen. He has never been happy in any of his jobs, he is not a very contented happy person, and even if we split, I'm not sure he would improve.

I think you're right Mishap, our relationship is not all bad - I just need to get out more and make my own enjoyment, when I've been with people I really feel better. Last year on my 60th he arranged a surprise birthday party for me, plus a spa weekend with my sister, which was great. Its just on a daily basis that he never wants to do anything, or talk about much - and I think we'll have a long time later on in life to just sit indoors and do nothing, and should make the most of life now while we can.

I think he has some depression and issues, he certainly gets the SAD symptons, and I've suggested he see the doctor, or get a light box, needless to say he hasn't wanted to. And yes Jess, I can see those feelings he has don't help me - glad your OH is feeling more positive now x

Not sure about the massage, I've only had a couple, and didn't really enjoy it, tho I liked the spa weekend covering ourselves with mud! Don't really want to go to doctor, hate the idea of tablets, just being here has made me feel a bit better thanks. I am not a very pro active person as you've probabl;y deduced, but I really must take some definite action very soon to do some things for me. Thanks again lovely ladies xx

sunflowersuffolk Thu 29-Dec-11 20:07:21

and Greatnan and Crimson!

Annobel Thu 29-Dec-11 20:11:40

Are you suffering from advice overload yet, sunflower? A good deal of filtering will be needed to tailor our ideas to your own circumstances. However, don't let the sheer volume of advice put you off trying something new. Please, try to have a bit of fun! smile wine maybe not cupcake!

yogagran Thu 29-Dec-11 20:19:59

Our local council (Horsham) organises several "health walks", graded from 1 to 5 for length and fitness ability. A web search would discover if you have something like that near you so that you could begin walking again.
Do keep up with your own friends, don't be blackmailed into giving in - you need your friends particularly at times like this

Carol Thu 29-Dec-11 20:23:59

Sunflower if you don't want to visit the doctor, have a look at what Holland and Barrett has on offer to improve your own mood, like St John's Wort? It does work, takes a couple of weeks to kick in and there is good information available about when you shouldn't use it. That, with an exercise regime of a few brisk walks each week and lots more fruit and veg, will make the world of difference.

bikergran Thu 29-Dec-11 20:35:50

sunflower linedancing is brill!!! yes!!!! go for it..they will be re starting th class no doubt afte the new year and I think that would be a good time for you to join as they may be other new members..I used to love my lindancing(havnt been for many years as hubby became too ill)..but it I found it very theraputic and good excersise as you could do as much or little as you wanted to. you go for it!! smile thanks

greenmossgiel Thu 29-Dec-11 20:48:12

I can vouch for St John's Wort, Sunflower. As Carol said, you'll get all the information you need at the store (the staff are well-informed). It's called the sunshine herb, and although it takes 2-3 weeks to start working, you should definitely notice a difference. It can be used to treat mild to moderate depression.

crimson Thu 29-Dec-11 20:56:17

Not to be taken if you're still on the pill though..although I can't imagine that any of us are hmm...

glassortwo Thu 29-Dec-11 21:10:43

sunflower I am sorry you are feeling so low, its difficult if you and your husband want different things, being off sick from work wont be helping you either.

Would you feel up to joining a slimming club say slimming world or weight watchers they are full of people who join feeling like you about their weight and in a very short time make friends within the group and loose weight too.

There is a support thread (click on the link below to get an idea) here on Gransnet where we all follow our own eating plan but post our weekly results, we all try to support each other so if you wanted to join us we would love to see you, we are starting the new year off again on the 9th January.

bikergran Thu 29-Dec-11 21:16:32

lol @ crimson lol lol ohh sorry but that has tickled me lol...grin

bikergran Thu 29-Dec-11 21:24:57

sunflower the trip to Hawaii sound like a good idea! if that si what you both want, or maybe a few little weekends away to have a trial run see how things go..I think if most thinsg were left to men then we wouldn't do anything/go anywhere/buy anything! etc.... I'm sure there will be lots of advice and help via gransnet smile you have made a start by popping in and having a chat and if that makes you feel a little better then you have taken a step forward. As for weight!! well I'm sure there are many in here with the same problem (me included) ..but!! as I get older (56) it bothers me a little less. smile

sunflowersuffolk Thu 29-Dec-11 21:59:05

I do have high blood pressure, not on meds, but from what I can see, should check with my doctor first re St Johns wort. I did line dancing a couple of years ago, was surprised how much of a work out it was! and a challenge to learn all the steps. There is a class near me on thursday evenings, will ring and check if it starts next week. Feel a bit embarassed at going as I'm so unfit, and I know most of them are regulars, I'll be the one with a bright red face and needing oxygen!

I've seen those health walks, and promise I'll go on one in next few weeks, as soon as I can.

Our local Weightwatchers doesn't have a very inspiring leader, so may check out Slimming World - I'm veggie - of course I know what I SHOULD eat, its just getting into the routine and having will power. Will look at the Gransnet diet thread too thanks.

Its very comforting to think others are trying to help me, who I've never met, so appreciated. Feeling a bit more [smile] and positive - thanks to you all.x

crimson Thu 29-Dec-11 22:10:14

I've put on half a stone over Christmas, so I need a bit of moral support on the diet front. The cabbage soup diet beckons.....sad

Annobel Thu 29-Dec-11 22:38:19

sunflower there are some very tasty veggie recipes in this:

Even if you decide to go to Slimming World.

Faye Thu 29-Dec-11 22:45:48

sunflower I agree a New Year resolution to join something such as line dancing is a great start especially as New Years Eve is just about here. You could also start a health kick and cut out the junk food and start walking, or join a walking group. This time next year you may feel more contented.

Also the trip to Hawaii sounds a great idea and might inspire you to get fitter before you go. Best Wishes and I hope we hear from you on other threads on Gransnet.

bikergran Thu 29-Dec-11 23:06:22

sunflower you don't need to learn/do every dance....just see if you can manage to go to the class for a can always say that you will have to leave early, but by then you will have said hello to people, and if you say bye to them on the way out and "see you next week"! and then you can come on here and tell us what dances you have learnt ! smile [good luck] come on girl!!! you can do it..!!

Madpotter Fri 30-Dec-11 07:17:27

Sunflower, after a 45year of marriage I recognise so many of the experiences and feelings you describe. Ultimately you have to become responsible for your own happiness and stop letting him be the reason/excuse for who you are. Work hard at being the person you feel is really deep in there and gradually start to build a separate life.
You might feel it is impossible to escape your current circumstances so - heres a big idea - try to find a way of going (on your own) to see your son in Australia. It's wonderful country, with people who are friendly and easy to get along with. For many years I had a 'running away' fund, accumulted from bits of money from here and there. I squirrelled it away ready for my escape and it was a great comfort just knowing I had a route out. Start researching your trip, air fare, cost etc and start you great escape plan. IT might take a while to get it together but it will give you a goal and once there, there you might decide to stay!

Greatnan Fri 30-Dec-11 07:41:55

Hawii is one possible stop-over on the way to Australia.

Ariadne Fri 30-Dec-11 08:21:18

Sunflower I do hope all the friendship and advice our friends have offered will help you. Sometimes just having people to talk to helps. Do try to set your self little, targets - one step at a time, so that you reach them.

I was once 15 st, about 10 years ago; I wouldn't say I was a sylph now, but manage to keep most of it off. There's no secret though; at the age of 55 Ifound out it was true that you just eat less and move more! But it's so hard to get started, isn't it?

A word of caution; St John's Wort is great, but it does interfere with Tamoxifen and statins, so you're right to check with your doctor. I can't take it (was on Tamoxifen, now on statins) and I miss it!

Anyway (((hug)))

sunflowersuffolk Fri 30-Dec-11 09:03:43

wow madpotter!! that is a HUGE scary idea ......truly takes my breath away just thinking of it. If I ever announced I was doing that, I think that would be the end of the marriage, he would be so amazed and upset. May I ask, did you ever really "escape" totally, or was it enough knowing you could if you chose.

Actually we have both talked about emigrating to Australia as we've been there twice and love it (and New Zealand) but we are too old and not rich enough to get a visa. The only possible way in eventually would be by retiring and being sponsered by my son, but he's not in a position to do that at present.

Greatnan, if we "do" Hawaii, need at least 2 weeks, and we have holiday limitations and work to consider. Would need at least 6 weeks for the 2 to realy enjoy. Nice idea tho.

What's been so reassuring and comforting in a funny way ... talking here.... is finding others in similar situations, who have come to terms with a less than ideal relationship, and a grumpy unsociable man, and have worked out a life still, that makes them happy.

I think what I've realised is that I always just sit back lazily and let life happen, and go along with things. Always have. And then my happiness depends on one relationship, like putting all your eggs in one basket. For some years that was enough, but not now.

I need to start some new interests of my own - like many of you do so fantastically.

It's hard forcing myself to do things, when I've been so passive, but I hope it will be like a rolling stone, gradually gathering momentum grin.

Bikergran, I'm going to ring the linedance teacher and be honest about my fitness, and ask if I can be in one corner, so I can drop out when I want. Starts next week.

Annobel, that recipe book looks good, thanks. Not on kindle so I will order it.

I have just got a little notebook, with ideas of new things to do. I will try to do one new thing each month. Swimming water aerobics, walking club, possibly get nails done, etc etc.

Thank you ALL again for helping me feel less alone ... can't thank you enough. I will hopefully chat to some of you again at times, and will join the diet thread thanks. And a very happy and Healthy New Year to you all. thanks

sunflowersuffolk Fri 30-Dec-11 09:06:12

thanks Ariadne too - I feel like I've had a big HUG from all of you xx

bikergran Fri 30-Dec-11 09:22:25

sunflower I have read through all the posts and to me it sounds like perhaps deep don't really want to leave, you just want things to perk! up a little (well a lot really) and your husband doesn't sound such a "bad" man! just that he needs a BIG! nudge lol...I mean would it actualy make you any happier if you did leave? as it does seem that you would like to do and share things together, whatever you decide I hope you (and your husband) start to enjoy life again smile keepus all informed..lets know how the dancing goes (from a used to be avid linedancer)smile you slap them thighs girl!!

helshea Fri 30-Dec-11 09:43:10

You will never find the right person while you are still with the wrong one... believe me life is too short. You BOTH deserve more! Hope you do whatever is right for you, but I fear that life is moving on and you need to live it!