Gransnet forums


unhappy marriage

(76 Posts)
graninthemist Sat 24-Dec-11 18:49:07

Can anyone who is in the totally wrong relationship, after many years, please help! Chatting to someone in the same situation would be so good.

Yanene Thu 01-Apr-21 12:12:04

I met my husband when I as 14, we were married when I was 16 he was 19. We have now been together for 55 years the last twenty being difficult to say the least. I love my husband but he is so difficult to live with now. He had always been a quiet man who never spoke about feelings etc, not prone to outward shows of affection. Most of the time our marriage was good but my husbands inability to talk about his feelings has slowly become a real problem as he won’t discuss anything, even when it causes so much hurt. The physical side of our marriage was always good but there is now no closeness at all, he never kisses me, hugs me and can go for days without having any physical contact, even to touch my hand, shoulder etc. I tried to get close and talk to him but he closes down and literally ignores me or asks me what I’m going on about. He never wants to go anywhere, doesn’t speak to the children or GC and then complains that no one tells him anything but never makes any effort to go to see them unless he goes with me when I ask him. I get so hurt, upset and angry at his silences that I give up and carry on but feeling resentful. This has been going on now for twenty years and I’m at a loss as to what to do. I have nowhere to go, he said I can go but he’s not going anywhere and says no more. I know there isn’t a magic wand but I have lived in hope that one day he will understand and at least have a conversation rather than ignore me and my feelings.

timetogo2016 Thu 01-Apr-21 10:40:41

I left a 32 year marriage and NEVER looked back.
It was the easiest thing i ever did.
Go for it Graninthmist.

Tabby555 Thu 01-Apr-21 00:11:23

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and advice!To be honest I'm still trying to figure out how to use this site.I just find it bit confusing.But then again, I find many things confusing.So annoying.I just wish I could understand things and figure them out.

Auntieflo Wed 24-Mar-21 22:06:39

Tabby555 , This thread started over 10 years ago.

Wellbeing1 Wed 24-Mar-21 21:53:15

My personal thought is always "Why stay when staying makes you miserable?"
I'm married, but we've moved a lot and I don't have any friends. So I'm getting really lonely now - especially with covid isolation. But I'd rather be completely alone than live with someone I was really unhappy with, even if I loved him.
It's kind of hard to advise someone in their marriage without knowing details that we don't need to know. But I read a book several years back when I was in an abusive marriage that really helped me sort out my thinking on the relationship, and what I wanted to do.
It's called, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and I think it's still on amazon.
And it will help you figure out what's going on when sometimes he's nice and sometimes he's mean.
It also helps you sort out whether or not you want to leave or stay.

Tabby555 Wed 24-Mar-21 20:00:01

Hi graninthemist.Im happy to talk to you.I am in an unhappy relationship and having difficulty deciding best thing to do.I really need to talk to someone who is going through similiar situation.It would be great to hear from you and have a wee chat.

Tabby555 Wed 24-Mar-21 19:46:17

Hi graninthemist.I would love to chat.I have been in a relationship for 10 years and unhappy for most of it.I need someone to talk to who is going through sililiar difficulty.

Carol Sat 31-Dec-11 09:55:40

The rain shouldn't put you off - who was it said 'no such thing as bad weather, only wrong clothing' or something like that?

Yes, twinny family all round now sunflower. I had fraternal twins naturally and both twin daughters have had IVF, successful first time.

Have a lovely day with your visitors.

kittylester Sat 31-Dec-11 09:37:19

graninthemist, as the originator of the thread, I hope you have found some comfort in all of this and some of the advice given to sunflower of use to you. thanks You certainly started an interesting topic.

sunflowersuffolk Sat 31-Dec-11 09:36:35

thanks Carol, being nosey, loved the photos of your twin grandchildren, you are so lucky, I don't have any yet, so am here on false pretences! Is that right, you had twins, who both went on to have twins?? My Mum and Dad were both twins,(Mum was identical) but none of us had them, I think it can skip a generation.

BTW it's just started raining, hope it clears up by time all the visitors appear (they aren't early risers) so we can have our walk.

Carol Sat 31-Dec-11 09:12:30

It sounds like you live in a lovely place sunflower and a walk in Aldeburgh is just the thing to blow away the cobwebs and start thinking about your future. Who knows, your DH might see how you have decided to improve your life and be inspired to do something, too.

sunflowersuffolk Sat 31-Dec-11 08:53:42

oh thank for the BHF info glamma, I'll ask my doctor about it, not heard of that before. We are 20 miles from main hospital, but there is a little cottage hospital nearer. I really think I need some help at first, preferably someone who'd come and drag me out of the house to do something. You have done SO well, size 12/14, you must feel great.

Thinking about it, even if I lost, say, 2 stone, I'd feel so much better. Trouble is, I'm a terrible emotional eater, I eat and eat even when I'm not hungry - I will dig out my Paul McKenna tape, which might help a bit.

I did the line dancing before, just because it was near me and a convenient day, and was surprised how tiring but fun it was, but great to be moving to music. If I can lose a fair bit, I'd love to try Zumba Gold too, but that is definetely a step too far at moment. When I first moved to suffolk a friend got me Morris dancing! weird I know, but very strenuous and a laugh, best bit was we always danced during summer evenings outside extremely remote and picturesque pubs. All that stamping is not good for the knees, so I stopped eventually.

Mishap, you're right abut our age and wanting to do things, while we can. I do think my OH is depressed and disappointed with his life, 15 years we moved to fulfill his dream to this little remote cottage with 7 acres which we don't need, and he spent years doing it up, adding extension etc, and not doing much else socially. Yesterday he spoke for first time about it being too much to maintain, and maybe we should move to somewhere with normal garden, but still quite remote. I'm up for move, but want somewhere nearer a community, where I can walk to local shop/pub/PO and not have to drive everywhere.

He is a bit of a loner, but wants friends, just doesn't seem to make them. I've suggested classes/clubs but not interested, he's been trying to play pedal steel guitar for years, if he could get good enough he could possibly join a local band, which I know he'd love, and would do him the world of good.

So really, first I have to cheer myself up and do some active self improvement, and then encourage him too. We'll start with a walk along sea at Aldeburgh today as family are here, to work off a few mince pies, and often he won't come - but I'll try. Will keep you posted, thanks x

glammanana Fri 30-Dec-11 18:48:06

sunflowers here's hoping you get to join line dancing as suggested by biker and for the weight problem you say you have, give some thought to seeing your doctor and get his reccomendation for British Heart Foundation classes at your local Hospital/clinic they hold free lessons every week and also depending where you live membership gives you free entry to swimming baths and gym for 3 mths,and all the members of the gym are not sylth like figures they are doing the same as you loosing weight and getting fit,I joined last year and made new friends and lost over now down to size 12/14 and still intend to loose more I want to be 10/12 by Easter,so you see I am taking my time. The diet/eating plan from BHF is not at all expensive and I am never hungry and the whole family can follow it,I just have a few choc's every now and then so I am not feeling deprived of the good things in thanks

bikergran Fri 30-Dec-11 17:56:39

Remembering wanting to lie down after my first session of ohhhh but i went back for more! and more!! and more!! in fact must have been 10 yrs!!! and like I say only had to give up when grandson came along (babaysitting) and hubbys illness worsened.....but would love to go back to it...also you don't need a partner!! and usualy there is a social side to it as well ..bits of get togthers luck sunflowe and anyone else thinking of taking the plunge into the unkown! keep us updated smile

Mishap Fri 30-Dec-11 16:02:59

Glad you are getting some helpful advice - just pick and choose what applies best to you.
I have to say that having a OH who arranges a surprise 60th and also goes to Australia for a month sounds like a dream scenario to me!!! Bring it on!

I do understand the problem and I think it is related to our age - there is a sense of wanting to make things happen now before it is too late; and having an OH who is happy to sink into old age and wants a quiet life in front of the TV can be difficult. My OH suffers from a degree of depression and anxiety in particular, and also a lack of desire to do anything very much, which is a side effect of his progressive neurodegenerative disorder, that also limits his activities. He also has a bit of a "dicky ticker" - so maybe being at home feels safer for him.

I find that the way forward is to get past the sense of frustration and resentment about it and look at some of the good things about a secure, albeit perhaps unexciting, relationship. You have financial security, your children have a sense of secure family behind them, you are relatively fit.

Maybe he needs to hear that you feel a need to carpe diem, but not in a grumbling/resentful way. Say that you accept that his horizons and needs are different and that you respect rather than resent those, but that you need to try and get out a bit and do some stuff. Perhaps if you focus on the need to lose a bit of weight and start with activities that have that as an aim, he would find this easier to accept. He needs to know that you are not criticizing him for being different to you, or he will resent your attempts to "break out" a bit.

If he is himself clinically depressed then maybe this too needs addressing - but men very seldom admit to this problem, so it may need to be softly softly on that one!

And as for line dancing - it is such fun and I only wish I could still do it, but my bad hip gets in the way - go for that. We had people of all shapes and sizes, ages and fitness in the class I went to and everyone was very welcoming and tolerant of those of us who gave up to puff and pant now and again.

Good luck!

NewGranLin Fri 30-Dec-11 14:30:07

Please remember you only get one go at this life and it is too precious to waste. I was married for 20 years and for ten of them I was planning my escape. The only reason I pushed my career was to be able to afford to support myself and two teenage children. I have never looked back but it is hard if you are not naturally outgoing. I also found joining a walking group was a life saver, I have been on lots of walking holidays and have recently braved the airports(my pet hate) by myself to travel abroad too. It's not always easy financially but I have been very fortunate, I may not be as comfortably off as my married friends but I have enough. If you decide to stay concentrate your energies on building an independent life within the marriage. All the best for the future.

yogagran Fri 30-Dec-11 14:26:51

What do I do with the tin of biscuits then greatnan, I know I should pass them on to someone else but feel guilty that my niece sent them to me and I give them away!

JessM Fri 30-Dec-11 13:37:59

I pretty much gave up biscuits when I realised they contain the dreaded transfats. They are very bad for us. Except butter shortbread and I think jaffa cakes. So i never buy biccies unless I know visitor expected.
Otherwise i would eat them... I ate about 7 chocolates this morning on the basis that if i eat them this evening they will keep me awake. Very nice hotel chocolat ones.... the remains are on top of the kitchen cupboard... I agree, easier to resist the first...
I have also convinced myself that buying pastries that are on open display in shops and cafes is not appealing.

Grannylin Fri 30-Dec-11 12:37:44

Madpotter, I think I'm your twin! Volunteered in Guatemala for 3 months, went to Australia for a month, going to New Zealand in March. However. its taken 10 years of slog and guilty conscience to get this far. My OH has had depression for years but has managed to disguise it by being a workaholic. Now that he is semi-retired he is getting worse and more socially withdrawn. Its taken a long time and recent counselling to finally make me realise that I can't cure him and I'm not responsible for his unhappiness, in spite of what he says.Its very difficult to leave someone after a long marriage but sometimes it gets to the point where you have to decide whether it's worth maintaining it to both drown. Is that harsh?

Greatnan Fri 30-Dec-11 12:23:25

Yogagran - it might be easier not to have any biscuits at all! Stopping at one is going to be hard, and do you really need one?
I found a site that tells me how much exercise I would need to do to burn off the calories in any particular food - it is very thought-provoking!

yogagran Fri 30-Dec-11 12:12:57

Losing weight is hard - we all know what we should and shouldn't eat, it's doing the right thing that is so difficult. I found it a bit easier to say no to any and all second helpings. Don't even think about it, just say NO, once it's said you can't go back on it! Smaller helpings too. If I can do it -you can too I'm sure. Mind you - I do have a box of biscuits in the kitchen given as a Christmas present. No problem while they're still unopened but I'm seriously thinking of sticking a label on the tin to remind myself "just ONE a day, no more"

Carol Fri 30-Dec-11 11:35:45

Have a great time whilst your sister is staying with you sunflower thanks

sunflowersuffolk Fri 30-Dec-11 10:51:29

good for you madpotter ... thanks to bikergran now have visions of Patrick Swayze getting up close and personal, no wonder you're feeling good.wink

I'm going to go all out to improve my own life over next 6 months, in every way I can. After that, I can think again about how my life is, and if we need to part for our own good. I know if we parted now, I would make big efforts to start a new life socially, looks etc, so will do it now when together, and see what happens.

We have my sister staying for next 2 days, so will get all remaining unhealthy food out and make them eat it!

bikergran Fri 30-Dec-11 10:22:48

Madpotter I see an image of you sat at the wheel in "Ghost"

Madpotter Fri 30-Dec-11 10:07:13

Sunflower, no I didn't escape but I worked really hard at developing my own strengths and interest so I had a life in my own right. I realised that I had become independent and my own person when I had the confidence to spend my 'running away' money - on a kiln!