Why I am sad.

Greatnan, what a wonderful mother and strong woman you are. I am filled with both admiration and sadness for you. As everyone has already said (much better than I can) it is time to look after yourself and step back from your daughter.
I wish you the peace and happiness you so clearly deserve.

Greatnan what a wonderful strong woman you are I know for a fact that I could not have carried on like you have .
I can only send you my best wishes which on the whole I know is no where near enough.
I hope that 2012 is the year for you when it all becomes so much better .
I really am lost for words

Greatnan - what a sorry tale, and how strong and selfless you have been.
Don't forget your own needs and happiness too - you cannot be all things to all people.
Best of New Year wishes to you.

Greatnan You are a wonderful lady. When I read of your dilemma, a quotation came to mind.
What is right for one soul may not be right for another. It may mean having to stand on your own and do something strange in the eyes of others. But do not be daunted. Do whatever it is because you know within it is right for you. [Eileen Caddy - Co-founder of the Findhorn Foundation]
May the year 2012 be very kind to you and those you love.

I just wanted to let you know greatnan that I too am thinking of you. Since being on this forum yours are some of the contributions that I have most enjoyed and appreciated for their kindness and wisdom.

As others have said, you have done all you can for your daughter and it is time to take a step back so she can take responsibility for herself. I fully understand your concerns about the grandchildren, but they sound fine young people who will make their own ways in life. Your keeping the door open to your daughter but moving on with your own life may in the long run, be helpful to them. Keep in good contact with them and that will help you all. My heart goes out to you and I hope that the New Year and your courage in sharing this will give you strength for the next stage of your life.

Super what a great quote. I have copied it for my daughter as it just fits her frame of mind at the moment. It is her 40th birthday this year and she is determined to stand up for herself more. With my full approval!

Supernana, how lucky your daughter is to have you for her mother. I hope one day she is able to realise this.It sounds as if your grandchildren value and appreciate you. Will pm you too.

Sorry that should have been Greatnan not super nana. The memory losing demons are about today

Just want to send you a big (((((((((hug))))))))))))) and xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greatnan there are non of us perfect mothers and I dont think you should be feeling that you have failed them in anyway after your divorce. You have been a tower of strength to the family and I think they are all aware of what you have sacrificed.

greatnan, I have been coming back to this thread time and time again, but have only just managed to post.

The reason for my reticence is that, yes, I'm one of those on here who has lost a child, but also I am in your position, but from the opposite side. (I was so reluctant to post, as I felt it might look like a "poor me, on 2 counts" type thing.)

My Mother has completely cut me out since around 2003, I truly have no idea why, there was no row, no falling out etc. I really thought that when my son died, that might have been the bridge that brought us back together, but no, when I plucked up courage to ring her, and said, crying "Mum, I've lost my boy" She replied "Yes, but you still have a husband, which I don't"

When my stepfather was ill and then dying, (and after he died) I ran myself ragged trying to be wth her, hold down a full time job, and look after my own family, blah blah blah (in fact, even before that she ruled a lot of my life, i.e. I would take a days holiday to go shopping with her, as she insisted that I be with her to choose clothes for her holiday etc.

Sorry, can't go into this now (not that many might want want me to!) as I must go through to the sitting room to spend some time with DH

I struggle to understand why my mother has behaved this way.

Sorry, I didn't want to appear a two time misery, I really have a lot to feel good about, please refer to "He's a gem" to see how much I have to be thankfull for!

greatnan do you remember when the children where small they might lose their temper and say things such as I hate you or you love him more than me etc could it be that your DD is almost in that mindframe due to all her troubles. Whatever the outcome you have done all you could and deserve all the comments others have posted. Your comments are always of interest on any subject - I wish I had been lucky enough to have a mother who cares so much. Best wishes for 2012 and I hope you find inner peace.

Good morning New Zealand. You never know what they are going to store up and tell you off about. Remember Phillip Larkin. "They f* you up your mum and dad"
I have been berated several times for sending DS to school in an orange jumper when he was 9. That is before you start on my post-divorce behaviour...
I mean he should have had my mother, now there's a woman who made mistakes.... sent me to grammar school wearing a string vest!
It is a lot more understandable with adults who inevitably have issues about their parents than it is in your mum's case Phoenix. But some people do convince themselves their kids have ruined their lives i suppose. Or envy them.
Please don't take your daughters letter to heart. Think of it as an adolescent tantrum.The Tasman awaits Greatnan and I hope you can either literally or metaphorically consign her list of gripes to the waves.
wishing I could pop down and meet you on the beach at Nelson, bit of ceremonial consigning tantrum to the waves and a nice large trim flat white with just one shot in a cosy kiwi coffee shop to follow. With a pretty fern pattern in the foam. and possibly a yummy savoury muffin

Greatnan I am in awe of your strength and stickability. We all want to do what is best for our children but I don't know if I could have done all that you have done. Material support is fairly easy but continual emotional support is exhausting!! I was struck by the wisdom of your DD2

"bottomless pit of neediness and no matter how much love and attention I poured into her, it would never have been enough."

It describes perfectly some people who no matter how hard you try, you can't make things better for them. How sad for your daughter to be so needy - no wonder she is angry.

There are some amazing women here on Gransnet and you are one of them. Enjoy your time in NZ and give yourself some well deserved time out.

Dear me, don't our children press our buttons! These posts have triggered strong feelings and such heartfelt sympathy for all of those mothers who have been accused of failing our children in some way. We shouldn't lose perspective - the majority of the time each and every one of us is selfless and loving and would die for our children. Sometimes, they really irritate and frustrate us - the way we did our own mothers.

I have found that my own children have occasionally rounded on me about something they don't agree with me doing, only for them to have a totally different opinion about it a few weeks later. Sometimes, the issue they are annoyed about is their own issue, not mine, but by projecting it on to me, they have a safe outlet for their frustration. I forgive and forget when it's my children - woe betide someone else doing it - I may forgive but I'll be wary in future. We have different standards for our own children, and let so much go, so it's shocking when they decide to pick us up on a few things.

JessM's suggestion that a ceremony to consign your daughter's gripes to the waves may be just the remedy Greatnan. It doesn't merit being given any more status than it being a tantrum, to be forgotten. She might be anxious that you will return the compliment with a much longer list of your own gripes about her, but she should know you are above that. She has some learning to do, and you make a great role model.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greatnan thank you for that post. To be honest, the story of both me and my mother is quite an amazing one (she was an unmarried mother when it was not acceptable etc) Part of our "story" was covered many years ago in a magazine, but things are different now.

One day I'll give you the background, no doubt, there will be some who might recognise some aspects.

O greatnan, what can I say? Your poor soul. What a lot you have had to put up with. I too have a 'needy' daughter and altho' I love her to bits, she can cut me to the quick, treat me like dirt and then be as nice as pie. It took my other son in law to point out that she has 'issues', that we need to accept that is how she is and continue to live our lives. We should disregard the nasty input and support where we can. He is right, but oh, it is so difficult and many tear has been shed. I admire your courage and strength and wish you everything you wish for yourself for 2012.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ah, I didn't pick up that you meant she may be seriously mentally ill at the moment, Greatnan. All the more reason not to heed the accusations in the letter, and to check out whether she is receiving some support. Would she be capable of recognising what she needs at the moment? Would her children be able to report concerns to her GP? She may need directing into treatment at the moment until she is more in control. How distressing for you to have this situation to worry about.

My ex-husband spent 15 years in our marriage behaving like this - not addicted to prescription drugs - contrarily, he would not take the drugs that would have helped him and I left him over 20 years ago because he would not address his problems and was dragging me down with him. To this day he still has these episodes and makes everyone's life miserable. The only times he has responded have been when he has been forced to have treatment as an in-patient.

I do hope your daughter accepts some help, whether it is voluntarily accessed or not. I wonder whether she reflects on how she has been when she recovers. Going round in circles like this cannot be satisfactory for her, and so many women do break out of their ruts in the end.

greatnan I do hope that your DD accepts that she needs help. There is so much that can be done to help her nowadays. I did not mean to trivialise her problem, just to empathise. Every good wish to all your family for 2012

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My thoughts are with you Greatnan, you are a very strong person and have come through some terrible times, be kind to yourself.

Greatnan don't be put off telling her GP because she will deny the problem. Having worked closely with a few GPs and substance users, I know they will hear you and take into account what you have told them. The GP may be trying to manage her consumption of codeine, knowing she is topping up elsewhere, and will be frustrated about this, but all GPs can bring in drugs counsellors and reassure the patient that their prescription will not be stopped as long as the patient collaborates with them. Also, if your daughter is mentally ill again, the GP will be able to make a fresh assessment when the next prescription is needed.