Denied Contact with Grandchildren - August 2012 onwards....

Have just scanned through the posts on this forum and am so relieved that I am not the only grandmother who has been denied access to her grandchildren. I'd so like to offer words of wisdom and consolation to others but right now I am hurting so much that I can't find anything to say to anyone because I can't think of anything that would make me feel better. My daughter got married this year, which was lovely, but the plans for the wedding did not go as smoothly as they should have, partly because I am divorced from her dad and he set a very strict budget for the wedding on his part whereas I (with my husband) was happy to pay for whatever she wanted (within reason). She and I had a falling out over the invitations which escalated into a huge row and resulted in her now husband refusing to sit next to me at the wedding so I was shoved to the end of the head table. When the photos were released on-line, I asked the photographer to remove one of me on my own in which I looked rather awful and this resulted in my daughter leaving me a voice message to say that as far as she is concerned, I don't exist and I am never to contact her or my grandchildren ever again. That was at the beginning of August and although I have tried to contact her, she won't respond. My granddaughter, with whom I had always had a very close relationship, started senior school this year and my new little grandson is just coming up for 10 months old. The only news I have of them is through my son and he doesn't see them that often. I am sure that I was probably the worst sort of over-bearing mother in respect of the wedding, but I only wanted my daughter to have the best I could give her and we've always disagreed about how things should be done. It just seems so strange, and wrong, that she has cut me out of her life and has cut me out of her children's life. What can I do? Can anyone help me here? I have tried writing, texting, phoning but to no avail. She's very close now with her dad and his new wife and I can't help but feel angry that I am missing out on my grandson's first year and my granddaughter's first year in senior school while they are now flavour of the month. I should add at this point that less than 12 months ago, my daughter wanted very little to do with them and up until a couple of years ago, her father would have nothing to do with her. Sorry I have banged on but I don't know how else to try to explain the situation. Why have I been shut out of my grand children's life when all I have ever done is looked after and supported my daughter (emotionally and financially)?

Oh Peanuts, what an awful situation. How that must hurt. I just can't imagine how your daughter could do that to you. There are obviously other influences on her but I would find her behaviour totally unacceptable.

Your granddaughter is of an age when she will soon start making her own decisions and if you two had a close relationship then I'm sure she will be very confused and angry at the way her Mother is treating you. I hope in time she will contact you herself. Maybe it would be feasible for you to contact her, email, text etc. or is that forbidden?

I know weddings are 'pressure cooker' situations where small things can escalate out of all proportion but this really is ridiculous. The invitations, you asking for a photo you didn't like of yourself and your daughter tells you you cease to exist in her eyes?? Is it possible that hurt and anger about her parent's divorce, which maybe wasn't addressed at the time, is at the root of her behaviour?

To say I sympathise is an understatement. I hope that someone on here can give you good advice. It is tragic that this can happen and I do hope very much you can find a way to resolve things. Big hug to you

Daily telegraph article on Parental Alienation on 24th Nov.
Divorcing-parents-turn-to-brainwashing-children-in-custody-battles.html

Not often acknowledged in UK courts but many of us know only too well that it happens.
I hope this is a chink of light.

peanuts I'm so sorry. I know there are lots of GNetters in this situation, banned from seeing their GC for no logical reason. Some of them do resolve the situation so there is hope.
All I can do is offer a listening ear and a big virtual (((( hug)))

peanuts virtual hugs and we have had 4 years of hell denied from seeing our only grand daughter and now 2nd one never seen. all stemmed from how I spoke to our daughter at her Gran dad funeral apparently, but I have never been told!! just saw nasty texts from her sis in law and b friend. I would give the world to sort it out, we have tried so much only wrote again last week. Seems her husband our s i law is the ring leader and he has gone to police we have h arassment warning!! so that is absolute hell. the police are very kind and on our side but they cannot force out daughter to talk to us.

If I can be any support please p message me my heart goes out to you. it seems we are not alone and young people or rather some of them can be so cruel to their parents.
we put our daughter through uni for 4 years, i bought her wedding dress and drove over each week to cooke for her etc when our little grand daughter was babe, we not seen her since she was 9 months she is now 4.
worst of all she makes me feel like an awful misfit as she blames my depression I have suffered from at times in my life thank god been well for 10 years plus now, god knows how, with all she has done to me, she cites this as reason for not wanting us to see our grand kids!!
sorry just wanted to make you know you are not alone!!

try this link
I couldn't make your link work Maniac, this might do the trick.

Thank you all so much for understanding. I do so hope that we all get to see our grandchildren again one day. Question: do you think court action (specifically a contact order) would worsen the situation, not just for me but for anyone in this situation? I think it's different when parents have divorced and the paternal (usually)grandparents are being denied access but when it's the maternal grandparents being denied access by their own flesh and blood, would legal action simply inflame an already wretched situation and maybe put a hex on any chance there might have been of a reconciliation? I am going to try to remain positive and upbeat and trust that one day things will be OK. Thanks again to you Sel, Maniac, Nanadog & Celebgran. Just sharing has made a huge difference and I wish you all much love and thanks for the (virtual) hugs.Odd, but they feel real! Xxxx
PS love your forum names - a bunch of funky ladies!

This link worked. Thanks. X

I know how you feel hope things are better now

This is an awful situation to be in i m in the same situation myself my son has said that as far as hes concerned my husband and i dont exist

I am so sorry to hear that, animallover. Children are cruel for no apparent reason even when, in fact ESPECIALLY when, we do our best for them. I would give so much to have my mother back, G-d rest her soul, and find it impossible to understand how our own children can erase us from their lives so callously. Then again, they know we are still here. I wish you strength and hang on in there! Xxx

Thankyou janeainsworth that link worked .What did anyone think of the Telegraph article referred to?

The Telegraph article is spot on in that children can be deliberately influenced by one parent or the other and can have their emotions swayed. Unfortunately, children are often also expert manipulators and don't need to be swayed! It's a positive move, though, that the courts are recognising and acknowledging the pernicious influence that some parents can have on their children when battling against an ex. Sometimes, however, maybe the negative influence is born from hurt and frustration? Relationships are so complex. It's so sad that there has to be competition and even sadder that children are used as pawns to score points in life's game of chess.

Peanuts, most people agree court will inflame the situation, involving solicitors to try and get our daughter to mediate did more harm than good she just point blank refused.

I would like to give it a try and did indeed fill in forms to leave to apply to court, they were sent back as they had been changed, with the new ones, then we got cold feet, is such a dreadful thing to have to do.

I do kind of accept that we will not see the little ones unless we do as been nearly 4 years, but still my husband not keen and we really do not want to cope with more stress.

so so hard, I do know people who have got contact this way, in both cases was the daughter, but of course the relationship with daughter suffers if it could be any worse.

butterfly here is one thread (of many) that might interest you.

Yesterday I sent a text to my daughter saying that I was going to post their xmas presents. I wanted her to be there when they arrived as do not trust him to re-label them. To my great joy she said that she would like to meet up with me for lunch later this week. I couldnt believe it, as i hadnt seen her since May and prior to that it had been 3 years since I last saw her.

I was nervous when I met her in May, (bearing in mind that up until my s.i.l. nasty behaviour towards me, we had always spoken and seen each other regularly). Since May, I have consciously tried to "let go" in my mind, something that was so difficult but did help me to cope.

Im looking forward so much to seeing her on Friday but again feel very nervous, dont want to say the wrong thing, just want her back in my life. I know that this is a great breakthrough but would appreciate your thoughts on this. suebeck

There are two threads with this theme - grandparents denied access to their grandchildren because of a row/upset/divorce of parents. My late MIL suffered this when my ex- and his first wife divorced. She would threaten her with non-access if she didn't get her own way about something and then allowed access when it suited her.
What I find so worrying is that there are so many grandparents who are denied access by their own children for some reason. We all have rows and arguments and may even 'slam the doors and leave', I just couldn't think how bad it could be not to speak to my son or daughter for years, let alone not seeing my grandchildren.
Looking over the threads often the reason is just a series of misunderstandings that have been allowed to get out of control. Would not some sort of mediation help? A dis-interested third party called in to help resolve these issues. Peanuts situation over her daughter's wedding is just a case in point. Weddings are always fraught at the best, perhaps her daughter was being a bit touchy but brides are touchy. Perhaps Peanuts could have stepped back a bit. But it's all done now and has definitely got out of hand. This would be an excellent case for mediation.
It would be a good idea for everyone to swallow some pride here for the sake of the grandchildren. Good Luck though

Suebeck your patience has paid off and i am pleased for you that you will see her in just a few days. Enjoy each other and let us know how you got on, won't you?

After much heart searching my son and I have decided not to send cards etc. to my 13yr old GS this Christmas.
Last years efforts - Christmas cards from friends and family resulted in a letter to my son from ex DIL’s solicitor claiming that due to being 'bombarded' with cards the family were forced to go away from home over Christmas!!! and that my son might be 'Reported to the police for harassment.'
It's been made clear that communications from me DS, family or friends will be intercepted- there is no chance that GS will see anything sent to him. Cheque sent for his birthday in August has not been cashed.
Despite the 2 years that have passed, and total lack of contact with GS,we are still told by his mum and step-dad that he 'needs his space.' It seems that anything sent to him is being used as ammunition against us.
So this Christmas we’ve requested family and friends not to send anything to GS at his mother’s address.
My son has set up a new secure email address for GS.He may not be able to access it now but in the future there will be a record on it of our continuing love and care for him.
Friends,relatives and their children can send him messages.Anyone who wants to send something more tangible or anyone who is not online can send to my son’s home or mine where they will be kept in a ‘Memory Box’ until without pressure he chooses to make contact.

My good wishes to all GNs involved in family conflicts

Reading through this thread has made me so sad - so many loving grandparents being denied access. I hope and pray that all of you achieve the outcome you so long for - just wish I could say or do something to comfort you all but I know the only thing would be hugs from your grandchildren to you all.

dorsetpennt it does not work as easily as that!! our daughter refuses to mediate and her husband got us an harassments warnign which our mp is currently fighting for us.

The police, solicitors have both tried in vain to ask her to mediate, she is beyone cruel in saying she wants no more to do with her parents.

seems we were ok to support her through uni and help her buy her house, wedding dress etc! and pay for specialist help in her desire to become pregnant.
it is hard not to be cynical.
Maniac that is a hard decision to take but can understand itl
We were lucky in way this year as took presents and cards over and vouchers see earlier thread and |I actually saw my grand daughter albeit only a glimpse but she gave me lovely smile, the other Nannie opened the door and my daughter must been out.
However I have been very on edge since it was last Monday so far no come back from police, not that we have done anything wrong but seems is wrong to take gifts to your grand children.
so damn hard especially this time of years.
Suebeck that is marvellous news well done. let me know how it goes on Thurs

Today I received a Christmas card from three of my grandchildren.
Today their mother, my (estranged) daughter, was forty years old.

I've posted birthday and Christmas cards, along with some gifts, but it's very sad that I haven't seen any of them for seven years - and the youngest granddaughter (now aged 5) never. Today I've been a bit weepy (still struggling with my health and feeling rotten, so that's my excuse) thinking of how much we've all missed out and wondering why on earth my daughter decided to turn her back on her family. Not just me, in fact not even primarily me; at the time she said she didn't want my family involved in her life any more (she was particularly close to my mum and sister, emotionally and geographically) - and then told me she was moving house and wouldn't be passing on her new address or phone number. It was a perfectly normal phone call, no bitterness, no anger. Just the information that she would only be available to contact from then on through a third party. Since then she has accepted all cards, gifts etc.. I have received 'Thank You' cards from the children, occasionally a photograph - and even three or four phone calls. Four years ago I let her know the time that I would be calling at the third party's address with Christmas gifts and said I hoped that she would be there with the children, but she didn't turn up. (I live 250 miles away so it was a specially made journey.)
I truly have no idea what happened in her life at that time to cause her to want to cut herself off.

oh dear Grannyactivist I can so relate to your pain!!

At least you get a thank you, this time daugthers mother in law thanked us but that is first one we have had!
try to keep strong and positive, it is awful not to share your daughters 40th, I felt same with my daughters 30th my husband went over with gifts and balloon etc, and she argued with her husband about wanting to speak to her Dad. This is when we realised it is him behind it.

However she had new baby 2 weeks old and did not tell her Dad not that they had chance to speak in peace her husband our s i law jumped up and down (they went to talk in car my husband was turned out of house!!) threatening police.

lots hugs and thoughts from me was go ing p message you but somehow it has frozen up on here!! xx

I just want to wish you all the very best for Xmas and hope that the New Year brings good things to all. To those of you still being denied access to your grandchildren, don't lose hope. I honestly thought that my daughter would never let me see my grandchildren again and would never be in touch again but to my surprise she contacted me by text 2 weeks ago and we have spoken a couple of times since then. Best of all, I have had several phone conversations with my granddaughter and she is going to come to stay with me over the holiday! The cynical part of me says that my daughter has only been in touch because it's Xmas but my darling husband, who is a much nicer person than I am, says too maybe she's been in touch because it's Xmas and a time for peace and goodwill etc etc. The reason doesn't matter; the fact that I will be seeing my precious granddaughter very soon is what's important! Best wishes to you all xxxx

very good news Peanuts so pleased for you xx