Friends that depress you!

Got it!

Yes, ele, I'm just taking the piss. Sorry.

Permanently wrapped up close against their mothers?

#Wonders how the hell Inuit babies survived#

Cheers bags that's exactly the point I was trying to make! And we were only trying to do the right thing...... but nothing will ever be right for them will it?

Thanks for the flowers and here are some for you too.

P.S. smallest DGS was only a few months old at the time.

The only time I've ever thought about the temperature of a bedroom is when DD1 was less than a year old and wouldn't stay under the covers at night. During the worst part of an Edinburgh winter in which the overnight outside temp once hit -17°C, we left the radiator on in her room to take the chill off. Since then, we have all survived in rooms or tents with temperatures varying between a few degrees above freezing to about 30° on a very few excessively hot nights in Oxfordshire. Oh, hang on! I probably went to bed in temperatures higher than that in Thailand, as do millions of other people there who don't have air conditioning.

Good grief, dogs! What a thing for your D to make an issue of. Well.... I suppose it belongs in the same category as complaining about dealing with wet bedding.

Sigh.

And for you.

bags and gagagran, I recognise these people you talk of. They are just the type of person I wrote about in my post. In my case it's my sister and my daughter. My sister I have just cut out of my life as its the only way I can cope, but I can hardly do that to my daughter. I look after her (adorable) children at least three days a week, I pick the 6-year old up from school, but nothing is ever right for her. Just one example of many, is when they stay overnight I make sure their bedroom is about 18oC, she says it ought to be 20-24oC because when she lived in NZ 'a doctor' told her this. so I don't even enter into discussion with her any more. I recognise the tactic of sticking to 'safe' conversations or rather just let her talk and contribute nothing.
It's hard when it's significant people in your life, who ought to have a better relationship with you, such as bags mother and gagagrans sister. I hope it works out for you greatnan.

gaga, sympathies! Just for info, the time scale between my realising that it was no part of my duty to submit to upsetting phone calls and the gentle 'show down' at my brother's after which I felt freed of the guilt, was about five years. My mother had already gone to bed when my sister started talking about my short-comings as a sister and daughter, but the message seems to have got to her somehow and she does not 'bother' me any more. Neither does my sister. It's as if they've finally accepted that there are certain boundaries of mine that they have no right to cross. I don't think they understood that before and were quite intrusive.

We get along fine now, usually from a distance .

Good luck

Thanks Greatnan - I will probably end up taking that advice! I hate this period of negativity but really don't want to resume the draining effect of the previous relationship. It really helps to unburden on GN!

Friends or family members, for that matter, who moan and complain incessantly are such a drain on one's energy. The only way to deal with them and remain a sympathetic friend – and halfway sane – is to ration the time spent together, but to spend it as constructively and kindly as possible.

Greatnan Any implication that a) you have no sense of humour and b) need to be more kind and loving isn't worth any of us bothering to refute.

I wonder if men of a certain age all becoming unbearably patronising c.f. emotionally bonkers women.

Gagagran - you have my sympathy, but I would be inclined to lie and say the tapestry had pride of place in my living room! I suppose she took umbrage at the word freak, even though you meant no harm by it.

Wow Bags what a difficult time for you. I empathise so strongly with you as I am in a very similar position with my sister, who is 10 years older than me and has always taken a senior role in my life so I suppose I am conditioned to defer to her.

I am at present not phoning or emailing her after a particularly unpleasant recent incident when she asked why I had not hung a tapestry she had sent me for our new home. She demanded to know where I'd put it and when I told her we still had not hung our pictures she told me to send it back as I clearly did not appreciate it. Bear in mind she sent it out of the blue and while I can appreciate the wonderful patience and skill involved it is absolutely not to my taste or DH's. I would never tell her that as she would take huge offence but nor am I going to put it up! It is almost impossible that she will ever visit given her health issues (some real) and the distance apart.

Then she accused me of insulting her little grandson who has Down's syndrome when I said that I hoped the Paralympics would dispel some people's view of it (before the event) as a bit of a freak show. Of course that is not and never has been my view and I would never even think of such a thing but had heard it referred to as such. Perhaps my mentioning to her was unfortunate but she is very good at telling me what I think, usually incorrectly.

I don't want to resume the long conversations/diatribes we had every week and am trying to resist contacting her but she can make me feel guilty even from 300 miles away so I really want to put the relationship on a much less intense level.
You sound as if you have managed to do that and I just hope I can too.

I am looking for two single rooms, but of course that will be more expensive than a twin room. I don't know what her sleep pattern is, but I like to read or do a sudoku for about half an hour when I go to bed, and I also like to rise very early, so it could be difficult if we had to share. However, I suppose I could put up with it for just two nights.
Some people actually get better with age - my sister is no longer the moaner she used to be. In fact, I am surprised by how cheerful she remains in spite of numerous health problems, and being cut off by one son with no explanation. So, don't give up hope, those of you with difficult relations!

Whenever I speak to my daughter in New Zealand, or my eldest grand-daughter, I try to be very upbeat and positive and just ask them about their lives, and tell them about my own happy life. I have to admit that in the immediate aftermath of my other daughter's devastating attack on me, her sister did get quite an ear-bashing, but she understood I needed to talk to someone who understood the situation from the inside. In return, I listen sympathetically to her problems with some of her relations.

gaga, to begin with I just stopped answering the phone when she called unless I was feeling particularly strong, and I stopped calling her. I've got one of those phones where you can record special voice-overs for a particular caller. I recorded myself in a flat voice saying: "Bags, it's your mother. Bags, it's your mother." Sounds bad, doesn't it? Well, that's the place I'd got to.

Then, after a couple of visits to her house where I ended up wondering why I was there (youngest DD witnessing me getting distressed by mother too), I decided that never again would I stay at her house. Unfortunately I can't just drop in for a cuppa as she lives too far away. Suffice it to say that I just grew tired of always being in the wrong, even about quite trivial things that shouldn't have been issues at all — what made my patience 'snap' was being told off and interrogated (yes, really) about washing DD's bedding (along with other things from my mother's laundry basket that would go in the same wash; she'd trained me well, you see) after DD had wet the bed at my mum's house, and getting it all out on the line and half dry before mum was even awake one morning. It was truly ridiculous and awful and only stopped when I finally snapped and yelled: "Mum! I was trying to HELP!" She hates changing beds! She apologised then but if I had not already booked train seats for the next day, I would have gathered up DD and our belongings and left immediately.

I should say that my mum wasn't complaining about DD wetting the bed. She wouldn't, and not just because she'd know that I'd bite her head off if she did. No, she was complaining about me coping with it .

Mum complained to my sister about my stand-offishness, who then 'had a go' at me. Fortunately this was in front of my husband, my sister's partner, two of my brothers and my sister-in-law. Middle brother put his arm round me and said, "It's not you." Sister's partner said soothing words about not knowing things I'd assumed my sister would have told him. My husband quietly asked my sister why she seemed so angry. Sister-in-law also supportive. The wonderful thing about this was that finally, finally, I KNEW I wasn't always in the wrong. The problem was my mother's perceptions and interpretations.

BagsI am really interested in your post about restricting telephone conversations with your Mother to "conversations of purpose" as I need to do this with a sister who has the same negative effect on me as you describe.

Please advise how you manged it though as my sister is very difficult to divert from repeating her always negative list of ailments, complaints and critiques. Her default mode about everything is disappointment. I am suffering from sympathy fatigue.

Wow Bags that sounds exactly like my mother. We speak on the phone perhaps three times a month and I try to stay upbeat and cheerful but it can be difficult. She doesn't live near me but I don't visit her alone, my DH sometimes comes with me on the understanding that he is there to take the pressure off me, which he does beautifully.

Greatnan I do hope you enjoy your holiday, perhaps you are right in thinking that your friend just doesn't realise that she is a bit of a 'mood Hoover' sucking the cheerfulness from those around her.

Separate rooms?

Yes, Bags,I am looking for budget hotels for us in Barcelona. I suppose I always knew I would invite her along but it was good to have somewhere to 'sound off'. I may even tell her, as soon as she starts being negative, that I am just about keeping cheerful and I would be grateful if she helped me to put my very real anxieties out of my mind for a few days. She probably has no idea that she is such a 'downer'.
I was euphoric about my grandson getting accepted into the RN, so I must admit to being a bit surprised when her only comment was on how dangerous it would be, but in the end my sense of humour triumphed and I had a laugh about it to myself.
I am afraid my decision had absolutely nothing to do with any advice to be more loving!

Have you decided what to do yet, G? I've been following this thread and I did type a comment for it a few days back but then deleted it. Suffice it to say that I understand "where you're at." In my case, it is my mother who is always negative and critical. I was in my late forties before I realised that I always felt guilty about something after I'd spoken to her or visited her, and then resentful that I felt guilty when there was really no need. I 'cured' the problem, insofar as it can be cured, by deciding only to see her within the protection of a group (i.e. not on my own) and to only have "conversations of purpose" on the phone with her. It has done the trick and I don't feel got at any more. I'm sad that I have to do this but this way I can still love her for being the good mother she was without ending up in tears every time I see her!

Thank you Nanadogsbody and Greatnan I will leave you now as its Sunday and I sleep Sundays.
Maybe we can all reflect on how kind we are to ourselves and others. Night night.

Thank you, When and Nanadogsbody- I wasn't really fishing for compliments, but they are always gratefully received!

greatnan of course, why didn't I think of that?
But he's not a child he's either 76 or 77 depending on whether his post or his profile is the accurate one.

And of course you're quite kind and loving

Having met you Greatnan I can vouch for you, and I am sure your lovely sister will assert how kind and loving you are. Two lovely Salford lasses with hearts of gold!

Now what do we do when our children are being naughty? We say
'He is only doing it to get attention'.
I rather hoped that some members might have said that I am actually quite kind and loving!
Sense of humour - well, I have posted over 900 jokes so far!

Joy56 welcome. This is a nice forum but at odd times people come on and stir things up, don't let the odd ones put you off.