Betrayal

It took me several years to start trusting anyone again but gradually you do thaw out. Even after all these years I still get uneasy when I see anyone drinking whiskey - fortunately OH was never a spirit drinker.
As others have said take each day at a time or even just an hour, and daylight does eventually come. If you are still working that will give some structure to your day - try and make some plans for when you do stop. Can you pay a visit to your family - that might help you. Grandchildren can be such a wonderful solace.

sunflowersuffolk - Joining ramblers is an attractive proposition and I will look into it as I do enjoy a good walk, or at least I did.
Suffolk brings back memories of happier times for me, I used to have a cottage in a village three or four miles inland from Lowestoft many years ago.
I have always been an outdoor person so 'ramblers' should fit the bill.
My family are aware of what has happened and my children have been very supportive. Without my son and his girlfriend I don't think I would be here today and I am ashamed to admit that but I am not ordinarily a selfish or cowardly person. I do realise the devastation one would leave behind but to be perfectly honest at times of such dark thoughts one doesn't consider the logic or effect of actions. I sincerely hope I do not find myself back in that place as I want to see my grandaughters grow up into young ladies and hopefully see my son marry his girlfriend whom I love to bits. A wonderful girl who I would be proud to call a daughter in law.

Yes, please stay in touch, we are a loving, friendly and honest bunch. I am relatively new to GN but find all on here kind and supportive.

It will take a while to come to terms with especially as you had no idea what was coming. Maybe look at moving south again nearer those you love.

Keep posting and you will find an awful lot of support.

Love and hugs to you.

I have been following this thread and I really do not know how to express my sympathy to you ps
All the previous posts have been full of such support and help - there is nothing I could possibly add but I just needed to let you know that you have touched my heart and I sincerely wish you well and hope that the coming months will bring new hope in your life.
You have been very brave in your open and honest original post and you deserve a brighter future now

now you have joined this forum do try and let us help you. There is a thread about what you are doing today and it might help you to come on and say,for instance ,that today is the day you will contact the Ramblers' club. Having said this there will no doubt be replies encouraging you to do this and asking for progress reports. With all your friends here wishing you well you won't feel like disappointing them. You may feel that you are not ready to take a step like this just yet but do bear it in mind.Kindest thoughts to you.

WEA -Workers Education Association is another great social and learning group who run courses in all sorts of subjects. RSPB have meetings and walks in most areas. Local Wildlife organisations and Trusts also meet regularly. All of these will give you an outlet and a chance to meet people. I find the great outdoors very stress relieving. Maybe some volunteer work would help, if and when you are ready. I find Wildlife volunteering a great spirit lifter with fantastic people to share with. The RSPB and Local Wildlife Trusts take on volunteers. Countryside management services also look for volunteers for conservation work. Oh dear it sounds like I am on a mission. I just find that being outside and doing physical work with like minded people helps.

Hello ps*. You have certainly had a lot thrown at you in the last few months but you have taken the first step towards some sort of acceptance of your situation by joining GN and putting your story in writing. You have had some good advice already. No one but you can know what you are going through; however there are many of us who have been in a very dark place for one reason or another and can empathise. I, for instance, was left alone very suddenly when my DH died last year. I expect the shock I felt was the same kind you felt when your partner left. It's like a massive blow to the solar plexus. I decided early on that nothing, absolutely nothing was going to bring 'J back, life had changed direction completely and I just had to get on with it. Setting small goals has helped; I had to get used to dealing with piles of 'paperwork', organising things I'd never had to do before, make huge decisions and gradually it has become easier although I am still working towards accepting the situation! Like you, my children live far away so I plan visits to them and to friends, both in the UK and abroad so I always have something to look forward to. I have yet to get to the 'joining' stage but that will come. I am still relatively young and hope that one day I will meet a 'someone-else' to share experiences and time with.
Taking the first tentative step is the hard bit, but I am sure with encouragement from us, your family and friends you will get there and one day the sun will start shining again

PS - like everybody else who has posted, I am sincerely sorry for your loss, but I wonder if I can try to take a different perspective.
You say your wife is 15 years younger, which will make her around 50. She may have been very content but suddenly somebody comes into her life from the past and makes her feel young again. However, the reality of day to day living with him may not be what she expects - perhaps washing his socks will some of the shine off the romance. Social networking sites have been responsible for many break-ups and I wonder how many of the new relationships stand the test of time. There really is such a thing as a mid-life crisis and some people think they will have one last chance at romance.
I don't think she can have changed dramatically from the woman you have loved for so long. Men and women often see their relationship from different angles and many husbands feel that if their wife has all the creature comforts of life and they treat her well she must be very happy. Perhaps she is, but suddenly she thinks she can be ecstatic.
If she did realise that she has made a terrible mistake, do you think you could forgive her?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The others have said all I would have said apart from one thing. I'm an agoraphobic and I totally understand what you said about outside being a challenge and feeing safe at home. Please fight the urge to stay inside even though it's difficult because it's all to easy to stay in until, like me, you can't go out.

ps, have you seen a doctor? If you are worried about the dark times, anti-depressants can make a huge difference. There is no shame in asking for help, that is what they are there for. You do not need to suffer alone.

Hi ps, I can really understand what you are going through as I had a similar experience many years ago when my ex left me for a younger model. A woman 20 years younger who he worked with. My 3 sons were young at the time and I had to focus my energy on them and have spent my life doing so. The feelings of loss and grief have returned and I am going through a very bad time at the moment. I retired from work under 2 years ago, lost my dearest sister to cancer, lost a friend and an aunt and my dearest mum has dementia and is in a care home. All the plans you make and look forward to do not always materialise and life experiences come along when you least expect them and knock you for six. Life sometimes feels so difficult and unfair especially when we look around at other peoples lives and compare what we see as their happiness. But do we really know if its real for them or just a show?. We have to go by our own feelings and contentment. I am fortunate to have such good friends as well as my sons, partners and 2 beautiful grandchildren and I still hope to meet that special person one day, but they will have to be very special. I wish you peace of mind and contentment and the rest will return slowly. Take care and give yourself time to heal x

ps,you now have 22 new friends who have come into your life since April 1st. How's that for starters?

ps I do so agree with Gally, small steps, just take your time and don't make any big decisions at this time.

I am a list maker and wonder if you could write down what you would like your life to be while recogising that you cannot go back to what you had. Once you have an idea of what you would like work backwards to today and plan the small steps you need to take to achieve your aim. Perhaps each day do just a little more.

Instead of turning round and going back into the house, take a walk round the garden if you feel you cannot go for a proper walk. Look up at the birds, look at the plants, try to find the simple beauty which is in nature. I think sometimes we take all these things for granted because they have always been there but there is so much free beauty in life that we can experience on our own at times when we don't feel up to meeting with others.

I am sure it is hard putting on a brave face at work and you must feel a great relief when you leave at the end of the day. Now the evenings are lighter I hope you can do something more than just sitting at home every night.

Please keep us all informed of how you are getting on. We are all rooting for you.

How can I ever say thank you to the welcome advice and encouragement offered in these posts. I sincerely do appreciate it, thank you.
I guess it is not too usual for a man to admit his weaknesses but I guess we reach a stage in life when we have achieved all we set out to as youngsters and have nothing more to prove so don't mind doing so. I confess it took me a large dose of dutch courage to do it but I am so glad I did.
I could never hope to repay such kindness so please accept my sincere thanks. It's not a good day today but I want to get through it and see tomorrow in.
Thank you again.

Hi PS, you took the plunge and posted 5 minutes after joining, well done you.

The only bit of advice I can add to the many replies you've had, is this: when I was going through a very difficult time and lost interest in doing the most basic things like going to the park with my (then) small children, was someone telling me to 'Fake it till you make it'. Cheesy as it may sound, I did just that and forced myself to go out and do things and lo and behold, I unexpectedly found, much to my surprise, the first stirrings again of happiness and enjoyment one fine day.

And another thing, I truly believe that there is a time in most people's lives when they will be on their own, for different reasons. And learning to be with yourself rather than by yourself is very rewarding, something to strive for.

I wish you all the best

Ps, keep posting here, you will find some wonderful folk prepared to listen and give you some comfort. Cannot even imagine how you feel, but talking is the best thing to do. Sending you [hugs]

Grannyknot, I am really struggling with learning to be with myself again. At the moment I find when I am by myself I feel totally alone,lost and a kind of depression comes over me so quickly like a dark cloud and it can be realy scarey. I think I am trying so hard to overcome these feelings and perhaps being very hard on myself. However, your words 'be with yourself rather than by yourself ' made me realize what I am struggling with, if that makes sense.

Hello again ps, just back from work, rather tiring after a few days off!

I'm glad the ramblers is of interest, I'm thinking of joining my local one too, as I want to get a bit fitter, and you often go to beautiful places you never knew about before. I often wish I had a dog to take walking, but they are such a commitment.

Especially this time of year, it's so beautiful in the countryside, and a good walk may make you feel just a little bit better for a while. I live about 20 miles south of Lowestoft, near Minsmere Bird Reserve, so no doubt you know the area. I suppose where you are is much hillier, probably with some great scenery. I think you can join Ramblers for a couple of walks before you commit to joining properly.

I realise every day is a struggle but please keep seeing and talking to your family as much as possible. They sound a lovely family, and they all need you, especially your grand daughters. Keep plodding along, and from what everyone says, things will very gradually improve.

sunflowersuffolk My cottage was North of you by some 23 miles or so in Blundesdon. We had many fine evenings in the Plough there. Happier times eh!
The family home then was on the North Hampshire downs, in the Test Valley and now we are in Cheshire and the mountains behind Limassol. I say 'we' as obviously it is now me. Habit I'm afraid.
I still work and keep busy but I did look up Ramblers and there is a group in Knutsford and Vale Royal so as and when I can I will give it a try. I just don't feel as though I want to be with people at the moment, at least in a social sense, but I know I should for my own sanity. As for the fitness side I guess we can all do with being fitter but I always have been reasonably fit, my job required me to be, so a fitness regime albeit low key was a way of life for me.
Good luck with the walking and my son is back from Copenhagen tonight so I will be speaking to him and his lovely girlfriend. I do miss her and look forward to her visiting. Such a caring girl, I just hope he pops the question sooner rather than later.

Glad your son has found a good'un. I hope you enjoy seeing them soon.

dogs4me when I was younger, after a long term relationship broke down, I was restless and unable to relax when I was by myself, and I often felt scared too, unable to cope. I would set myself goals according to the seasons as in "By the end of summer you will feel better" or "Once winter is over you can look forward to spring". And definitely with time the hurt was less piercing.

Nowadays I am really content with my own company, it took some practice but I love having 'my time'.

I've just caught up with this thread and would like to join with everyone and add my support to everyone else's.

You said you enjoy walking but can't face going out alone, so I assume you don't have a dog. If you get along with dogs but don't want the commitment of ownership, have you heard of the Cinnamon Trust - www.cinnamon.org.uk? I only ask as I have a friend who was helped over her bereavement by becoming a volunteer dog walker for them. She found the commitment of walking a dog for someone gave her the courage to leave the house and the companionship of not walking alone - and also doggy people are very friendly. It also enables the elderly/disabled person keep their companion. Everyone gains on so many fronts.

Perhaps eventually Volunteering North West may give you ideas of something to aim for. It's easier to make new friends by joining with like minded people. Now you have the power of the Gransnet behind you hopefully you can look to move forward, as several have said, one day at a time, one step at a time.

Summer is coming.

NfkDumpling As much as dog walking / Volunteering appeals, I do not have a dog or any pet, I currently work and much of my time is spent either working or in attempts to block my ex from her attempts at trying to destroy me financially. This is in spite of the fact that it is she who suddenly left to move in with someone else without warning.
She is now demanding that a financial settlement is effected immediately and is not concerned with my welfare or well being and just wants her cut now. Gold-digging springs to mind. As a consequence I feel any further committments, at this moment in time, would not help but add to the burden. Later on by all means. I am considering Rambling and possibly volunteering for the CAB or any charity that serves to protect the elderly from exploitation. All in the future however. I thank you for your suggestions however.

Please get some legal advice about all this financial stuff. You need advice from someone you can be frank to about the finances etc. I had a free half hour early on in the separation / divorce situation which pointed me in the right direction. Does your ex work?
I hope you can start to feel more positive soon. X x

Hi ps I feel the other posters have been so good that I'm reluctant to add to their wisdom, but a thought has just occurred to me. Do you think her pushiness for the money could be coming from her new bloke? Do you think she kept it so secret for so long, because she wasn't sure of she should go or stay? Believe me, I'm not trying to make excuses for her - it is inexcusable what she has done. If she was unhappy she should have told you, and let you work through it together.

I understand perfectly how you cannot get your mind round it - betrayal is too mild a word, but I can't think of another one.

We all have problems in relationships - there are times I've wanted to just run and hide from, well, everyone, but most of us come to our senses and recognise the love we have for and from our partners.

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in this black hole, but I agree with the others that it will ease in time, especially when you retire and you can do things you fancy doing. How about moving back down South, especially if your family live there? How about living on a houseboat or a barge - it is clear that water features in your life.

I do wish the best for you, and a much better future.

XX