Betrayal

I think you are never going to understand why your partner did this, I doubt whether she knows either, because on paper you are the perfect man. I have always thought that love can turn normal intelligent human beings into complete idiots. I expect she was too ashamed to discuss it with you, so took the cowardly way out, thinking she was sparing your feelings. Possibly in the future you will be able to understand this and try to forgive her.
Was your earlier divorce just as traumatic? It was probably completely different, but perhaps you can remember what strategies you used to enable you move on.

ps, you are right to feel that you shouldn't look for a new relationship yet. It's difficult at first not being part of a couple, especially when the world seems to be full of them. But socialising with other people doesn't mean that you are looking for a partner. It's better to be with a group of people with whom you share an interest, even a group with whom you can share some expertise. I know the U3A has been mentioned. It is a very disparate organisation in which people who share an interest - eg photography, books, theatre, walking - can meet and compare experiences. No pressure.

ps I am not sure what help you are receiving but whatever it is I think you should go back to your GP and talk about it. I think you may have reached a point where you are not able to help yourself. Life normally has ups and downs and we feel good when we expereince the ups and bad when we experience the downs. I don't think that if you won the lottery tomorrow you would feel an up and it is time for you to get some appropriate help.

The other thing I think you should do is get proper legal advice asap, not second hand. You need to talk to someone about your legal position which may be a lot better than you think. As you were not married it may be that she has no rights to the home. Is it in both names? Whatever the situation it is far better to know rather than think

Absolutely Moved- I couldn't agree more.

shysal Thank you for the kind words but I am not perfect by a long shot, even on paper, and as much as I try to be it obviously has not worked. As for forgiving her, I can't see that happening as her actions are what I consider beneath contempt. I have and live by values and amongst those is loyalty, respect, honesty and unconditional love to the exclusion of all others. She has shatterred all those.
My previous divorce was not traumatic at all. It was a joint decision with no third parties involved at the time and right for us both. My job grew us apart albeit that I did it to provide a good life for the family. I still have great respect for my ex wife.
Movedalot I will be seeing my doctor again on Thursday and will consider further legal advice. My problem is that I wanted her to feel included and although I put all the money up for the house I got the lawyer to draw up a deed of trust giving her a share just in case. That is a legally binding document. I think you might be right and you echo what my doctor has said. Following a lifetime of looking after others' welfare I now have nothing left for me. I am determined to get there though but it is a bit of a struggle at the moment. I guess it's harder in not having someone to share the burden with. Thank you for the advice

ps you called your ex partner a gold digger but surely she would have owned some property before you met. I have just been through a messy property settlement with my ex partner. He believed I was entitled to absolutely nothing, even though I had put in the same amount of money towards our property. I really feel you should seek legal advice soon, dragging property settlement out is quite stressful.

This is not meant unkindly, but I wonder if the fifteen year age difference between you became a problem for her. She would not yet be fifty and may have felt the gap was widening. Large age differences do work for some people but as people get older the gap widens. When you are eighty she would only be a year older than you are now.

Hmm! makes me thing Faye, my DiL is 15 years younger then my DS. It is fine now as she is 28 and he 15 years older. She already makes comments regarding older generation. She is very childish in that respect. Thinks that sex stops at 50 etc. I hope she grows up and changes before they get much older.

Faye Appreciate your comments but no, my ex did not have equity in a previous home to contribute and I did put every penny into buying the house and everything in it. I bought all the furniture, cars, white goods, beds, lighting and soft furnishings brand new and the house was a new build. I thought it best as we would be making a fresh start together. Please don't get me wrong I would never begrudge her anything which could possibly be termed hers including all the clothes, jewellry and personal stuff I bought her. Neither would I begrudge her a share of the house but not now. It is my home, it is where I live and I feel comfortable there. I need time to come to terms with her leaving and time to sort out what I
As for the age thing I cannot be sure. She maintained there was never a problem in fact she often maintained that I was far younger and fitter than she ever could be but who knows. All I can say is that it was never hinted at or appeared to be any kind of problem. I am told I do not look my age and if any consolation daughter says I should act my age and not my shoe size. I would perhaps disagree but that is the fact.

Sorry first paragraph should have ended with 'time to sort out what I want to do'.

Get thee to a solicitor ps ! - or at least CAB.

It will surely help you get your mind around things a bit if you know where you stand and exactly what your rights are.

Ps. I wish you had a friend like the one I had many years ago when I was going through a very painful break up. She was the only friend I had as I had moved from London to Southend and I knew no one apart from him and our mutual friends
She would come up to my room ( we all lived in bed sits in a large house) and literally get me dressed and made up and force me to go out with her. It worked. I wish you lived near me; I would drag you out. Smile

Petra
Thank you for the sentiments - How I wish? Sadly I do not know a single soul.
Just someone to talk to or walk with would certainly help I feel. There is only so many cnversations you can have with photographs of the children and grandchildren.
I have been to my local CAB but to be honest the advise was very vague and non specific with the exception of not being permitted to change locks, one of which incidentally I had already been forced to change.
I have had preliminary advice from a solicitor and Barrister (husband and wife) too and they both suggested that we wait for my ex's next move before considering further steps.
I have not been to Southend sinse I was around 6 or 7 years of age.

Ps. The pier is still there dispite fires and Barges going through it. Smile

How was your week-end ps? Did you manage to venture out of the door? I found myself thinking of you when hearing somebody singing 'Anyone who had a heart' on TV the other day, originally by Cilla Black I think.

Shysal - Thank you for your thoughts, it's warming to think that a total stranger can spare a thought when the one person that was the sole focus of my being does not. I obviously met and settled with the wrong one, much to my cost. Thank you; it is much appreciated.
I did venture out of doors but only because my son drove up and picked me up in my car. I spent the weekend at his house with him and his partner whom I get on very well with. A lovely caring young woman who dotes on my son. I love her to bit's. Sadly I have not been out since arriving back yesterday evening except to go to work today.
I need to be in Deansgate in Manchester tomorrow so will need to get myself there by train. Sadly the last place my ex and I had dinner out was in a restaurant on Deansgate followed by drinks down by the canal. I hope I can blank the memory out and make sure I don't pass anywhere near it when I go to lunch.
Thank you.

ps
I've been pretty down the last few days, so couldn't face looking at your forum...sorry. But feeling much better today, thank goodness. The one piece of advice I would give is to try to keep as busy as you can. If you can go to places that have no memories for you, or do things you and your ex didn't do together. When I am busy, then I feel much better and I know that is a way for everyone to try to start to dig yourself out of this hole and start to heal.There is a life still to be lived. We are all just visitors here, so do think of things you would still like to do that you haven't done yet. Do look at the local library to see what is going on, or the local paper if you have one. You could do something with people you have never met before, so no history needs to be discussed.
I do hope this helps.