What is it with sons....

flower it's difficult. I had a very close relationship with my son but I think sometimes they do have to distance themselves. Maybe it's becoming a man. I don't think it's anything personal. My girls are much better with communications but I really don't think there is any less or more feeling. I think it's more acceptable for daughters to be in close contact with their Mums, less so for sons.

I understand that Sel, really I do. Also his wife, who I have known since she was a 'bump' is the daughter of my late best friend who sadly passed away at the age of 46 when her DD was only 17. I sometimes feel that he distances himself because she doesn't have a mum. I love my DiL and was over the moon when they got together when adults. I am looking forward to the baby but, again, am not sure how to approach the subject as I don't want them to think or feel that I am taking over her mother's role. I would never do that. In fact my DD is having her second baby in July and the other baby is due in Oct. I want to offer my support and practical help but not sure how to do so. Difficult times and they should be happy times.

Even more complicated then flower. Crikey, we tread on eggshells don't we? I do think though, if you have that basic good relationship, it doesn't go away, you just have to take a back seat and you're doing that. I don't think he doesn't realise that or not appreciate it either. You're being very sensitive and a lovely Mum and MIL too.

Modern generation DS never has his mobile switched on, if I e-mail him he will deny ever having received it. I found the solution, put a message on his facebook page, instant reply.
Haven't heard from DD since Easter but I know she will ring if she needs me. I think they don't feel the need to keep in touch the way we did with our parents.

flower,I just think everyday life gets in the way.Im sure our children deal with things we don't alway know about.I think often about how I was when young and raising a family and I'm sorry to say I didn't think of my MIL as much as I should of. all I can say my mind didn't go there during the daily life activities.weekends were sometimes for visits. why don't you call and say I'm cooking so and so this weekend come over and eat. Leave a message if you have to. cook something he loves! Worse thing you might have leftovers.Hope you are physically able since I don't know you well.

My son has always been hopeless at passing on messages .... "somebody rang, it might have been a woman" is typical and that's on a good day. I have found texting the most effective way of communicating as he does eventually respond. Posting on his girlfriend's facebook page also works quite well. If we need something done he will drop everything to help, but we have to ask. It would never occur to him to ring and ask if we're alright

DS1 responds immediately to texts - usually just says OK. Other DS doesn't like texting but usually phones me at least twice a week. Neither they nor their other halves object in the slightest if I ring up for a catch-up and I often have a nice chat with the DiLs too. Late last night DS2 was on the phone and email for help with an OU French assignment. What are mums for? Help with homework even when they're middle aged!

Well he does sound a bit selfish flower You could let him know how you feel, it does work sometimes, it can make things better, he is a young man, busy with his life and probably does not know that you are upset due to his behavior. Its got ot be worth a try

As far as the children are concerned, so that you can spend some time with them, send a message saying you are thinking of buying some tickets to a childrens event, give them a date and see what they say.

That's just how he is. You say he has always been like that. Why not just accept it? Some people don't want a lot of contact with their parents, even when there has been no 'falling out'. Think of him as being very independent and glory in that.

I never know how long it is since my DDs contacted me. It can be weeks and often (usually) is but it doesn't matter. We just take up where we left off. I couldn't ask for better daughters.

I agree about life getting in the way sometimes too. They are busy and so am I. Time flies.

I think once there is any kind of 'pressure' to contact mum, that can act as a brake too, perversely.

He is what he is Flower and he is unlikely to change now.

My sister rings our mother most evenings, I ring her probably three times a month. My son phones sporadically when he feels like it. I'd rather have it that way, I wouldn't ever want him to have the 'oh hell, I'd better ring my mother!' moments that I have.

(He phones me not my mother) hope my brain engages when I get to work!

My daughter only gets information about her son and her two little grand-daughters from her daughter-in-law, who is very good (she sends me photos of the little girls too). She has never had a cross word with her son, but he is just not much of a communicator. When she skypes them on Sunday mornings, he just puts his head round his wife's shoulder and says 'Hi Mum'.
Another of her sons speaks to her regularly on the phone (she rings him, by arrangement, as she gets free calls from NZ). He is a real talker and it is just as well as he is still single so she would have nobody to contact!

When I was married, I sent all the cards to my ex's family and I think that is quite common amongst the people I know.

My sister and I both remember how we rang our mother nearly every day, even when I was working abroad. No Facebook or texting then and I have to say that I much prefer speaking to my daughter on the phone to sending messages.

I don't know why so many of our children do not make the effort to keep in regular contact. Perhaps we have just done too good a job in making them independent.

I'm not sure it's just boys. DS1 will respond to any contact, as will DDs 1 & 2. DS2 and DD3 rarely return texts etc until it dawns on them often days later. DH needed nagging to phone his parents but it was really just life that got in the way.

Just go with the flow flower and be happy to see them when you do. I bet they will be pleased to see you when the baby comes along.

He sounds really selfish.

You brought him up.

I don't agree about the selfish.

Well, he doesn't seem to be bothering much about his mum's feelings. No excuse for that. It sounds like he has a lot to be grateful for. The fact that he is a man, not a woman, just doesn't cut it.

Jingle - have you not learned yet that most mothers do not appreciate criticism of their children from people who do not know them? Flower asked for advice, not a brusque put down.

Flower put a problem on a forum. I am sure she expected honest answers.

It sounds to me like he needs some straight talking to.

I don't expect my daughters to be considering my feelings from different towns, unless I tell them that, for some particular reason such as illness or a difficulty, that my feelings need special consideration. I expect them to expect me to be getting on with my life, just as I expect them to get on with theirs.

That does not mean we don't love each other and will not exchange news or chat when we want to.

My feelings are not the responsibility of my offspring.

I'd feel guilty if I put emotional pressure on them to be considering how I was feeling all the time.

Why guilty? And it wouldn't be all the time. It's not emotional pressure. It's encouraging them to be thoughtful and caring.

Never too late.

Of course, it needs to work in reverse. But in Flower' s case it obviously does. She is giving plenty of care to her son.

My daughters are thoughtful and caring already. They learned how from their parents. That doesn't mean I need them to contact me frequently, nor vice versa.

Beginning to think it's a question of confidence in one's children's love, and theirs in their parents'.