Obsolete grandma

I was going to say, "give up on it", but I guess it must be hard if it's your only daughter. My elder DD is a bit like this but I'm lucky enough to have a younger one who likes hanging out with her mum. I'm not sure there is much you can do to be honest. Perhaps tell her how you feel? She might not realise.

This is so sad and I really feel for you. I don't know how to resolve this situation other than by trying to explain it to your daughter. Have you thought of becoming an adoptive granny to another family? Lots of people out there dont have a granny and would welcome one.

Don't give up. Keep the communication going even in a small way. They probably don't 'need' you at the moment at don't realise you are feeling left out. It's good you have a life of your own and good friends so stay cheerful and look forward, not back.

My dd is a bit like that too, I think it's just life. Every one is different, just go with the flow and stay in touch.
They have busy lives and we grans are no longer the most important people in their lives.
(I'm trying to convince myself too )

If your grandnaughter is 15 it could be that your daughter is emotionally drained looking after a teenager [I think girls can be far more difficult than boys at that age . I was thinking [and feeling awful about it] the other day what little contact I had with my mum from the age of 17 when I left home, but it didn't mean I didn't love her; there was just so much going on in my life that there wasn't time. In fact, my ex husband was more considerate towards my parents and even drove over to take my dad to the pub one Sunday [although, I did drive past my dad one day when visiting my mum and, as he was on his way to the pub, he didn't turn round and go back home to see me ]. It also looks as if you lead a very full life and your daughter doesn't feel that you need her [which is good]. Relationships all have cycles, don't they. I'm sure it will change again for the better one day. Which, of course, doesn't stop you feeling sad at the moment.

Can't speak for daughters as I only have sons. I would just say hang on in there and keep up the communication. I'm not sure how near/far you live from your family, would it be possible for you to invite your DGD and a friend to tea or stop over for a night or two?

I realised this was happening as my grandchildren got to be teens, our contact lessened and also my daughter went full time working and has a very busy life. I then thought back to my own Mum and realised I'd done the same thing to her and have only now just acknowledged that it happened , she must of felt as you do but we never had that discussion about it she just accepted it as I think we all must. As the others suggest keep the communication going even if it seems one sided and maybe instead of waiting on contact from them start out small steps to fill the gap with projects of your own. For myself if I mentioned it to my daughter I would feel as though I were making her feel guilty about it so I would keep it to myself.

Wise words Tegan and Tanith.
Elenka I have never chatted to any of my adult children on a daily basis, about once a week is the norm for the two older ones, and whenever she can be bothered gets round to thinking about it with the youngest one.
Do you invite your family to your house at all? An invitation to Sunday tea usually gets a positive response from my DD
Tanith and Tegan I too didn't look back once I left home and have often wondered how my parents felt about it.
But communication was a bit different then, wasn't it? In my case a 10-minute walk to the nearest phone box, a wait for the previous occupant to vacate the box, and then the parents' phone would likely as not be engaged, or they would be out enjoying themselves.
Those were the days

{{hugs}} I think many of us have felt something like this. It's lovely to be needed but even nicer to be wanted even when not necessarily needed. There are many times when I suspect I only get a phone call when a babysit is required, but then I feel ashamed for being so cynical. Thinking back to my own time when the children were small, like tanith and I suspect others, I feel guilty that I did not involve my parents more, but like most mums, I was busy (no excuse) and life especially with teenagers is full on and frequently stressful My MIL lived nearer and was in better health, so was the one to help out with emergency childcare e.g. if any were ill (I was working full time)and it never occurred to me at the tme that my mum might have felt left out.
I would say don't take it personally. Their lives are much fuller than ours are and while thoughtless, it is unlikely to be deliberate. Keep in contact, pop round or to stay for the odd night, plan a day out together , the occasional treat - all help, but most of all, fill your own life - live for yourself while you can

jane; I can still remember seeing my dad crying in the kitchen the day I left home..I was an only child and the centre of their universe . Then a phone call a year or so later with a distraught mother asking 'when I was coming home; all the neighbours are talking'. I had no intention of 'coming home' and when I did for a short time a couple of years later it was impossible. I do hope that seeing me better myself, marry and have two beautiful children made them happy, and can only be glad that mum died before my marriage broke down [which would have devastated her]. Hindsight and all that, eh? But, then again my parents not giving me any freedom to gow up meant that I didn't [I hope] make the same mistake with my children. And I'm so glad that I did thank my mum for everything she'd done for me before she died [not knowing that that was going to happen].

Relationships with grandchildren change over time. The little girl who used to come to play with water and hide in a tent in my garden and who, a little older, came to bake in my kitchen and run up horrendous phone bills on my computer (pre-broadband days), became a teenager who accompanied me on shopping trips and, as my fashion 'guru', advised me what to wear on special occasions. She is now 21, very self-sufficient and street-wise, about to graduate from University, but still has time for granny, especially when granny takes her out to lunch! I will be very proud on graduation day - and she still has to advise me what to wear...

It must be harder for mums of daughters than mums of sons. I'm in my 50s and never seemed to satisfactorily balance my own needs with those of my relationship with, and the needs of, my own mum while my own family were growing up and leaving home. And now that I'm a grandma myself the problem seems sometimes even worse. As my kids (sons) grew up I had to create a life for myself or face that dreaded empty nest. But that seemed to upset my mum who was facing retirement and wanted more of my time and clashed with my trying to make a life for myself. Now I've a GD (2) and want to be involved with her life but have to not interfere with her parents, be available when needed and still be available for my own ailing mum and hold on to some time for myself... I know you feel left out and not needed now but perhaps your daughter is having difficulty in keeping everything balanced too. My advice: talk to her but don't expect things to change dramatically.

Tegan Yes, I think parents were generally more controlling then, and also were much less demonstrative about the love they felt for us.
Both of those things didn't really help relationships
I too am grateful that I was able to tell my mum how much I loved her before she died, but my dad was only 55 and I felt we had only just got over the battles of those teenage years.

As an afterthought - I tried to ring all 3 DD's after reading this thread through, just to "toouch base" etc - straight to voicemail for all 3 and have I heard back yet? What do you think? but not [shocked] !!

touch base - natch!

Strangely enough my daughter sent me a mothers day card that didn't say Happy Mothers Day but 'thank you'. I wonder if she realised how much that meant to me? I like to think that she did.

Tegan

I think I've said this before on another thread, but I sometimes remind myself of what it was like for me when I was their age, and I have to admit that I was pretty self-absorbed and sometimes didn't even miss my mother, too busy getting on with my own things! (I sure miss her now that she has long gone ).

Same here, Grannyknot; what I'd give to sit down and have a chat with my mum and ask her what her life was like and reminisce about old times.

Thank you so much for all your advice,I'd hate to be oh woh is me , i don't want to make her feel guilty,we do get together for birthdays etc.i did used to stay once a week.(it's only half hour journey) but stopped.we had a massive row Seven years ago,and I just think I'm probably over sensitive to everything she says as she has moved on but I can't seem to forget what was said your words where a great comfort.

I was only saying to the other half this morning that we had not heard anythng from our daughter for a couple for a couple of weeks (not unusual) and he gave the same reply he always gives. "She will be in touch when she has something to say" which is absolutely true. We have never lived side by side, but she knows we are always here for her, and her birthday/Mothering Sunday/Father's day cards carry the words thank you and all the other things which can be said. My husband also reminds me that we were not that regular in visiting or contacting our respective parents, because we, like my daughter at the moment, were busy with getting on with our lives Go with the flow is the answer I suppose.

I am the same PRINTMISS I don't worry about not hearing from DD, once in a blue moon is usual. If it is really ages I will send an e-mail and ask if she is OK. I might get an answer in a day or two or I may not, that is the way it has always been.

I know I have posted this before, but hope it can make you smile Elenka and show that you are not alone! It's called "Grandparents' Answering Service"

Good morning . . ...At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking, we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

I haven't seen this before Gracesmum and I would like to copy it to a friend. We are taking GC belonging to DD1 on holiday collecting them from abroad and we have arranged to take DD2 and family on holiday . The difference is DD1 contacts us only in an emergency or when she knows the dates the other GPs have sorted, DD2 keeps in contact every few days and emails photos and bits of news and tries to include us in her children's life.