When one of you not interested in sex

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My wife developed dementia about 6 years ago as I am disabled myself I am unable to help her. Enough that she wanted to leave and go in a care home which she went in August. For the first 4 month it was a change. The marriage was good in the 44yrd but sex stopped after 38 yrs.I have been lonley since she went but I have looked on the dating sites but all the women are very reluctant to meet up but they will message. As I am now 72yrs I am a little out of practice.What is the best way of getting back into a relationship. Does anyone have any ideas?

I agree kitty ... he does know. And I do sometimes say "Do I have to do the golf club wife thing?" but not every time. This year he is captain of his golf club (he is a good golfer) so I even have to do the meet and greet at the dance - it's my duty which I willingly perform - how about that?

Love and laughter - those are 2 things that definitely go together like a horse and carriage.

Grannyknot, do you not think your DH really knows and loves you for it. As Mishap said, mine would know me well enough to realise that I was doing something I didn't want to do and appreciate that I was doing it for him.

It works both ways though and he does things for me that he would rather not do - he comes to see my mother for a start

I have mentioned before that I have a problem but DH and I cope with love and laughter!

I think that honesty is part of trust, which as you say is what really matters in a relationship.

I d not pretend about anything with my OH - to be honest, he knows me so well that it would be pointless!

Or should I say, lack of enthusiasm...!

Tab12, well said.

If I had to be dead honest with husband about my enthusiasm for every golf club dinner dance he so looks forward to, I wouldn't have a marriage! .

Mishap I appreciate what you are saying--However do you think that a couple should split because they do not have the same wants to make love.

I personally think, and it is my own personal opinion...that making love should not be the be all and end all of a relationship..what if you were basing your relationship on love making then one of you had an accident or became ill or got too old!! for it..then what...is the relationship over.

I do think it is an important part of a relationship but I do not hold mega importance on it.

To me what is much more important is trust and the ability to see your partner as a best friend.Everything else is a bonus

Also, some people are Grey-A. It's not a problem. Search google.

marionk - faked enthusiasm"! - what price honesty in a relationship?

If the incompatibility is such that the two cannot get along together, then parting may not be such a bad thing - both might then have the opportunity to find more sexually compatible partners.

Personally I think that honesty is central to a relationship.

Marionk. Some information for you. Not all women go off sex because they ' just can't be bothered'
For some women, myself included, sex is very painful and they would love to
' go through the motions'

TAB12, I was going to say the same about kathythree's comment. If a partner is debilitated by an illness, and cannot be sexually active anymore, can they really be called selfish? I suppose for many men, nor being able to 'perform' would make them feel quite bad and unable to communicate well about this- and unable to take part in other kind of sexual activity to replace full sex.

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This is such a sensitive subject and most people have various issues.

I think communication is everything. talking it out and not bottling it up.

I remember once someone said to me, changing partners for the sake of it, is silly, all you do is swap one lots of bad habits for another as no one person is perfect

kathythree how can you say he is being selfish when you say yourself, that he can not make love due to his stroke?

I would not say having an affair is a good idea, you have chosen to spend some of your life with this man for a reason, try and remember what those reasons were

marionk are you new to Gransnet? If so, hello!

I think it's a very difficult thing when one person in a relationship goes off sex (or doesn't fancy the other person any more) and I don't know what the answer to the problem is.

I wouldn't want to go back to the days when women 'pretended' in order to stop their partners going off with someone else (although I suspect this does still go on).

marionk, I wonder what prompted you to re-open a dormant thread in such a finger pointing, smug manner

Beware ladies, my now DH was in a relationship where his wife told him she was 'done with all that' - he was 57 at the time, I was also in a marriage where my husband thought that once every couple of months was sufficient - he made this decision when he was 45! Suffice to say we are now married to each other and enjoy a fully intimate relationship (my DH is now 73) - people often vote with their feet when they are denied something that makes them happy or they are given it grudgingly, surely it is worth a little faked enthusiasm once in a while (I guess we are not talking about a nightly activity) to keep the other half of your relationship happy.

Welcome to the forum Derek sorry to hear that you have had a stroke, a good friend of mine has too, so I know how you must be feeling.Hopefully you will regain your strength before too long, it takes a while.There are lots of subjects on the forum that you can take part in, if you are feeling bored during the day.

You sound like a nice man, Derek. Lots of men would have found 'love' elsewhere. Mine did. But we got back on course.

My wife says she has no interest in sex abymore. we have a great relationship but since I was ill with a mini stroke I anm not able to sleep without disturming her as I am home all the time and now sleep seperstley. Although she works in the day and I dought if she cold put up with me 24/7 yet.

I was just going to say the same thing Grannyknot - not everybody on GN is off sex!

That isn't much fun for you Derek. Have you asked your wife why she is 'off sex' or are you not keen on opening a potential can of worms and happy to maintain the status quo? Do you still have physical contact at all, eg cuddles?

I'm sorry Derek that must be difficult. But this thread is for people "where one of you is not interested ...etc". From previosu discussions on other threads there are many, many female members of Gransnetters who have a healthy interest in, and are involved in regular active sex, later in life.

As rosesarered says, couples in a loving relationship owe it to each other to find the right solution for them.

I am in my early 60's and as I have read most of the woman have gone off sex for some time mine has been of it for at least 30 years. I have remaind faithfull she has never given a reason.