When one of you not interested in sex

I have never enjoyed sex, even when I was younger I always wondered what all the fuss was about - found it boring, sweaty and repetive to be honest, and the only times I had an orgasm were the times when I did it myself. DH suffers from sinus problems and snores badly, so for the last four years has slept in the spare room and sex has been non existant. Neither of us minds, we still have a cuddle or hug and love each other deeply, but the sexual side has gone and is not missed.

I think a lot of women feel as you do meadowgran. As Shirley Valentine described sex 'it's like supermarket shopping, a lot of pushing and shoving and you end up with very little at the end of it'

Speak for yourself Shirley

What a difficult dilemma. In a partnership, where both wish the best for the other, undertaking an act that one will dislike and the other will like is a real impasse. I can only wish you good luck with this - communication is the key, but may not always come up with an answer to suit both.

We do place a huge emphasis on sex and people's rights to erotic pleasure, and this may not be helpful in this situation. Maybe finding other things to enjoy together might be a way forward.

its the opposite with me , i miss the closeness and the hugs and cuddles , since his stroke and surgery he just isnt interested or cant ? so i feel like i am suffering cos of his selfishness , Yes i have thought of an affair but as you say all goes south and i dont look on me as attractive wen naked , sex toys are of no interest to me
So any advice ??

Try talking to your partners - is the advice I'd offer and try to laugh about it.

meadowgran I feel so sad for you when say its a chore and you feel you have to have drunk rather a lot of wine and that the only feasable night is a Saturday night,can you not have afternoon siesta's for a change in your routine and spare of the moment thoughts of being intimate & loving make all the difference, or are you both at work during the week ? why not change Saturday night into a late Sunday morning it's worth a try.

I assume were talking penetrative sex. There are other ways ladies!

DH both find the full monty uncomfortable now due to aches n pains but we are still intimate.

kaythree Snap. I did have the offer of an affair (in fact, two men made their interest clear) but because I was about to emigrate – and only because of that – I decided not to embark upon it. I'm very sorry that I didn't go ahead.

kittylester "Try talking to your partners - is the advice I'd offer and try to laugh about it." There's nothing funny or even remotely amusing about it. To be ignored in this way is very depressing, humiliating and frustrating.

ninathenana In my case, the only other way is for sisters to do it for themselves. I haven't even had a kiss on the cheek for at least ten years, let alone on any other part of my body.

I'm sure that it is not amusing or funny to be in that situation absent but when DH and I have had any sort of problem we find talking and laughing about it helps.

I am sorry if that is not applicable in your situation but the OP asked for advice and that was mine.

absent By all means ignore me but I find your situation very sad. I wonder why you haven't left.

I'm keen , he isn't, we are both in our fifties

I know it's a cliche but have you suggested or tried Relationship Counselling. It can work with the right counsellor.

Sorry the above post for Meadowgran xxx [thlflowers]

or just the don't wear witches hats do they?

Mr P would sooner put pins in his eyes, or (his ultimate horror) deal with a cat litter tray than go for any sort of counselling.

phoenix

ninathenana Mr absent has no money and no source of income. I don't think he will even be entitled to a state pension when the time comes. All the properties in England and the contents of this house in NZ belong to me. My sense of fair play means that I think it would be wrong to leave him in the lurch but, equally, I cannot afford to pay for two separate households. If I could have left him behind when I emigrated, I would have done.

Counselling is out of the question when "I'm the only one with a problem". Fairly ditto of phoenix's post. In any case, it is far too late now.

At 65 I am one of those who really doesn't want to know anymore. It was good once upon a time. DH probably would still be interested.

I sort of lost interest after too many times of DH coming to bed late and trying to get me interested. Doing it out of sympathy, habit or just so you can actually get a nights sleep made matter worse, as well as very diminished hormones which made it very uncomfortable at my last attempt.

I cannot even remember how many years ago that was.

I don't know if my attitude to sex has added to the stress in the relationship. I think I was just fed up and worn down with the inability of my OH to understand anybody else's needs but his own or to see that others don't automatically think like he does.

I really can live without sex and I wouldn't even like another relationship.
A lack of actual sex itself really does not bother me I would appreciate emotional closeness and someone with a proper sense of humour.
This is getting too miserable and too flipping late! I am off to bed

absent Once again that dreaded word 'finance' gets in the way of how we would like to live.

Always, always ninathenana.

absent No wonder you have no sense of humour!

Has anyone else received a PM from rydelad? He is looking for sexual encounters! I have reported him. I would hope none of us is that desperate.

I reported one of his posts - it was clear what he/she/it was upto.