Social skills

Soutra you are right, and if roles were reversed, you may like an outing with your DH if you felt a bit desperate to get out of the house.It isn't easy.In the end, it's who do you love more, your DH or your friend?If we outlive our DH's then we get all the time we need to have a coffee with friends.I wouldn't like my DH tagging along either, but if I thought that he wanted to....? [He wouldn't.]He doesn't like 'girl talk'.

Well my husband wasn't ill or housebound, he just wouldn't take the hint and followed along regardless - even when it was my daughter and I leaving work together, he'd trot out behind us; short of wrestling him back into the house or risk hurting his feelings (which is what it came to in the end), there isn't a tactful way of dealing with it if they decide not to take the hint.

I think it is over-egging it if I claim to be DH's "carer" but since he has given up driving and can't walk very far ( and you know how often you get buses in the country " arr there be one next Toosday") he is much more dependant on me. OK I moan but I do keep a balance! I can imagine a similar situation if I make it to my 80s/90s and have to live with any of the DDs but I think women are generally more sensitive in these matters. What I am realising is how many of us do have DHs who depend on us whether on account of PD, strokes, heart disease, chronic arthritis, dementia or whatever. Medals all round!

I can understand when a partner is housebound and not well and leaving the house alone means taking a constant nagging worry about how they are faring with you.

But every carer needs breathing time, when my FiL was seriously ill with Parkinson's Disease and DH (an only child) lived too far away for us to give MiL day to day support, her GP arranged for FiL to go to a Day Centre twice a week, which he was not that keen on, at least initially, so that she had time to herself, to do the shopping and see friends but that breather twice a week meant she was better able to cope the rest of the time. DH would go over at weekends and take them both out.

Many carer arrangements collapse because the carer becomes ill because of the pressures of 24/7 caring for someone, no matter how dear that person may be to them.

When flicketyb one partner is virtually housebound as jess has said and I think others share this experience it is hard and maybe selfish to deprive them of an outing which they enjoy ( in DH's case the farmers' market). It is not an easy situation and I don't know how I would cope were the roles reversed or , for instance , if I were very old and housebound and living with one of the DC. It's a thought isn't it. Never black and white.

Maybe, flicketyb when one partner has a long period of illness and the other cares for them it alters the dynamic and the relationship ceases to be a full partnership of equals.

We are not joined to our partners/husbands by shackles. How can a husband/partner insist that they accompany us when we leave the house to visit friends or relations or go shopping or whatever and why should anyone feel guilty if they do so?

Holly
Absolutly
<Le sigh>

This all sounds horribly familiar Soutra. My husband can't get out on his own or walk far either. I feel very mean when I go out without him, but if I invite friends to coffee at home, he just sits with us and rather monopolises the conversation. It means you cannot chat freely and so I now arrange to meet people elsewhere. It is more expensive, but more relaxing. Apart from the feelings of guilt for leaving him on his own of course. I tried suggesting he did not join in at home, but he was very miffed. Damned if you do and damned if you don't !

When we would meet he would insist on coming along and was given to making rather inane remarks---- was quite boring really!!

Am afraid our friendship feel by the wayside

It is a shame when it happens; if husbands or SOthers struggle to contribute and just sit there, it puts pressure on their companions to make sure they are not left out so the relaxing coffee/tea becomes a struggle to include someone.

or even " fell by the wayside "

I had a friend several years who"s SO took early retirement.

When we would meet he would insist on coming along and was given to making rather inane remarks---- was quite boring really!!

Am afraid our friendship feel by the wayside.

That is the way things go sometimes !

heyho

If ones DH only comes to an event on occasion and wants to come on a day when you have agreed to meet a friend/go to the hairdresser or whatever. Why not just tell him it is inconvenient and why, then go alone?

I visit an aunt in a care home an hours drive away. On occasion I meet up for lunch with a friend who lives in the area, on occasion DH decides to come with me 'for the ride'. If the two events coincide I just say to DH that it is inconvenient if he comes as I am meeting my friend, whom he doesn't really know. He will quite happily accept that and otherwise occupy himself that day. He would act in exactly the same way if the roles were reversed.

Thank you both nelliemoser and ninathenana you have made me feel much better!

It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one whose with a non conversationalist.
DH is very affectionate and thoughtful but ........

Soutra I know exctly what you mean.
My OH has no real idea of conversation skills but instead of not talking, would probabably talk everyone to death, going on at impossible length and many tangents about something intensely boring.

It's a nightmare wherever we go and it is isolating for me as well.
I am still trying to work out how to get a break in the summer as hopefully he has said he is going off to a music making course. I get so stressed when out with him and I feel much more confident on my own on the group holidays I have done.

I leave DH behind when I meet friends because if he tags along I can't get a word in edgeways.

No apology needed nightowl I have calmed down by now although I was cross at the time!

Apologies Soutra if my post was rather insensitive. I realise your DH can't get out on his own so it must be difficult for you to say 'no you can't come' if he wants to go with you. Not an easy one!

I think you have got it rosesetc without actually knowing him! He can't really get out on his own and while I would say it doesn't bother him the way it would have me screaming(!) nevertheless it is good for him to make the effort ( and he certainly had to walk plenty!) I know he likes looking around farmers' markets as he is a bit of a "foodie" and it usually involves me in buying healthy and expensive stuff we don't actually need! Ah well it got him out in the sun and fresh air and is just one more to chalk up to experience.

Soutra you need to have it out with him. I know there are times when you would like him to come out with you but you have the right - and the need - to have some time recharging batteries time with female friends. Timing is all.

A lot of men seem to be the same, they want to be out and about with you, but don't 'do' small talk.My DH has never offered to come if I go out to meet a friend [I would be taken aback if he did.] If a man isn't going to join in the conversation, then there really isn't any point in him being there.
If my DH offered to come on a walk with me [which he often does] then that's different, and I prefer him to come.If he offered to go clothes shopping with me [or food shopping, or let's face it, any shopping] then I would say a very firm 'non'.Soutra do you think that your DH is trying to 'make an effort' to do things with you, and doesn't really get that us women like to natter together?

It's nice when it's that easy-going, isn't it, kitty?

Good idea bags if it's feasible.

DH always says 'You look lovely, have a nice time!!' as he opens his tin of corned beef!

When he goes out, to the football, or whatever, I always say 'Enjoy' as I have my lamb chop and new potatoes.

Bit Jack Sprattish!!

Soutra