Family get togethers

As you say, there has got to be first time so let it be this time and this might be the last time that your DGD 'allows' grandparents at her birthday celebrations. I am only tolerated at my 7 year old DGS's parties so long as I do nothing more than handing round food and drink!

Nansy I have not been in your situation, but if I have had to do things I have dreaded, I find it helps to visualise in advance being confident and strong in the situation. If you think you're going to be strong, you will be.

You have had the strength to leave an unhappy marriage - your little DGD will be sad if you're not there, so be strong for her and you will come out feeling pleased with yourself for overcoming your fears

Good advice so far Nansy as others have said there will have to be a first time and my advice would be to take your time getting ready. Wear clothes you look/feel at your best in. Wear some makeup and a little perfume and walk in looking 10 feet tall (even if you don't feel it). That way if/when everyone looks at you for that brief second the only comments they could make would be "my, she doesn't half look good" . Go for it . Good luck and do report back.

I suggest that, if you go to the party, you busy yourself in the kitchen for as much of the time as possible. Cutting up the cake, wrapping and putting in the goodie bags can be helpful and takes ages if you try! I used to find this helps, and the rest of the time I took photographs of the children to keep myself occupied. Remember ex will probably also be apprehensive. You have as much right to be there as he does, so don't let him spoil your enjoyment of GD's special day.

My GCs are older now, so no birthday parties, and anyway exDH does not attend family gatherings since his second wife was rude to me after I greeted them politely at a christening, and then shouted abuse at me in the car park! I had the silly idea that we could be friends, as she met him a while after the divorce.

As I have to keep advising DD1, who is going through a dificult divorce, try to act with dignity and put on a brave face, and show him that he cannot hurt you any more. I hope to hear that you have survived and that it wasn't as bad as you feared.

Oh yes, do go! As others have said, there's no reason you should be put off from going because of your ex.

At both my DC's weddings, my ex and I attended, but kept our distance from each other. It was fine and there was no way that I would have missed either because of him!

Last year my BiL died and I wasn't sure whether to attend the funeral, but decided that I'd probably regret it if I didn't - I'd known him for 45 years. So, filled with trepidation I went, only to be warmly greeted by all my ex's family, who said how much they missed me. I was stunned! My ex and I manage 'Hello' and that's it, but at least it's civil.

Time spent with GCs is so precious and parties are such fun things to remember. You can always take refuge in the kitchen if need be!

nansy please don't refuse as your family may stop inviting you - not because they don't want to but because they think that you don't want to see them and don't want to put you through any difficulty.

You could always plan a family "do" of your own and then have it totally relaxed without your "ex"

Just picked out a few words from all the great posts.... head up, chin up, perfume, hair done, clothes you like best,

Smile.... like a queen of all you survey.
there will only once ever be a 'First'.
Act your cotton socks off, let everyone see what a wonderful time you are having.

It's hard to not remember the horrible things that have been said, it's like picking away at a scab.... But 'he' doesn't have to know how much they hurt. And remember that at the time he was probably thinking of the most horrible things he could say..... and actually didn't truly mean all of it.

Could you ask your DD to make sure you have someone nearby for support. Just so there is always someone to talk to.

The first time is the worst then it becomes easy.As others have said you should make sure you look your best and smile like you haven't got a care in the world! Could you take a close friend or family member with you so you don't have to walk in alone. I find nowadays my ex has to talk about how much money he spends on holidays and his wife stalks me to make sure he is not talking to me despite the fact he left me for her!

I agree, try to take someone with you. Have you any male friends who could accompany you?

Put on your best glad rags, hold your head up high and just remember that you left because you are worth more than the insults this awful man gave you. He is only a man, one man, one measly little man who can only feel better about himself while putting someone else down. He is not worth your time or even a glance in his direction any more. Enough time has been wasted thinking about what he wants or needs, it's on your terms now, your life. Be strong and know that he cannot hurt you again. Especially when surrounded by your loved ones.

And when it's all over, relax with a lovely cup of tea and the warmth and love of your beautiful cats.

Take care.

Grandchildren will not understand why you don't go only that you were not there and might think it was because you didn't want to go because of them. I agree with everyone that you should go . Dress up put on an Oscar winning performance and enjoy yourself. Taking photos is good and you have made lovely memories. I also left an awful man after 41 years of marriage and am so much happier. Because of his actions to me my daughters have cut him off so I don't have to face him at family occasions so am luckier than you but I have had to face him in different other situations and wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing how difficult I found it I hate him and wouldn't let him beat me. If you don't go he has won.

Take care, have a lovely time and let us know what happened.

Nansypansy - I imagine your ex will be a little curious to see you and he will be wondering how you've been getting on. If you don't go he will think it's because you can't, or don't want to, face him and he would be right. I don't think for a second that you want to give him that satisfaction, so for your own sake as much as your granddaughter's you're going to go aren't you? So then it's just a question of how you manage the event. You say you think your ex has destroyed your confidence forever, but I don't think he has you know - you just need a bit of practice to restore it. In the long run the only reliable way to feel more confident about this kind of family gathering is to just keep turning up and you'll get more proficient and comfortable as time goes on. Accept there's going to be an awkward learning phase at first, where you won't feel particularly confident, but you need to put yourself through it anyway. What you really want to focus on is being able to gently make yourself practice and build for the future even if you're not overflowing with boldness. Then when it comes time for your son's big birthday event it will be easier - and so on thereafter.

I hope the venue for this celebrations is quite big because there are loads of GNs right behind you - in fact I imagine we will have to hire a bus!

Nansypansy, I hope you manage to be strong this weekend and attend the 'do'. Your GD will be hurt if you don't go, I am sure, so look your best and show him that he can't hurt you any more!

I have been there, done that, got the Tshirt, know how you feel. The first occasion is the worst and will soon be over.

Do let us know how it goes.

Well my gransnet friends I did it!! I went! He was already there when I arrived and I bee lined my granddaughter to start with. Other people came and spoke to me, then finally he came over to me (I had already decided that I would not be making the first move) It was a bit awkward at first - it was really quite strange because it didn't take long to start chatting and 'catching up'. I'm glad the ice was broken, and as one of you said, it'll get easier at these types of family events. However, although previously I was reluctant to accept the end of my miserable marriage, I don't have any regrets now as I feel perfectly safe and comfortable on my own with a feeling of freedom. This situation is not my preference, as I would have loved to have had a reciprocal relationship with him. But he killed my feelings a long time ago. So now I am obliged to make the best of things. Thanks for all your advice and support - it's great to have such lovely, though invisible, gransnet friends.

Great to hear how well you managed it, nansy.

Oh well done nansy - I expect that from now on you'll be much more comfortable at these sorts of events. I'm sure the rest of your family were pleased to have you with them and especially your granddaughter.

Well done that girl

Well done! Bet you feel proud of yourself now and no fear of future family gatherings

You did well nansy, sounds like you now have your confidence back.

I am so proud of you, nansy, I know how difficult these occasions can be. Enjoy the rest of your life with no regrets!

Well done Nansy we knew you could do it!
I'm so pleased for you, and a huge boost to your confidence too!

So pleased that you gritted your teeth and went - and enjoyed the celebrations in the end. The path of independence isn't always easy, but you've broken through a major barrier. Enjoy your life!

I hope the focus will be on your DGD and hoping she is enjoying her party without being aware of any tension. Go for her sake.
There will be many family occasions to look forward to over the years and you can't miss them all because he will be there. The first time will be the worst, a hurdle to get over, but I think other family members will be keeping an eye out in case he says anything untoward and be ready to step in quietly.

Well done that woman! I bet you were quaking at first but feel totally empowered now. Good for you.

Well done, so glad you got over the hurdle!