And my daughter too

Number please don't be surprise if it goes no where your daughter will probably scream and shout and storm out the room and shut herself away she will not or cannot be reasonable or else it would have already happened She will feel ganged up against and lets face it she will be,- she will go into a cornered animal mode It MAY be that you have to set the rules you want acknowledged and just go ahead with them, the other way is to write to her I know that sounds ridiculous when you live together but sometimes reading something in the privacy of her room can be more reasonable than having three or four people trying to portray something which will seem very unreasonable to her and just make her want to do the opposite

Her spirit had been taken away ( in her eyes) by her disability her only spirit left is opposition I still think a person not belonging to the family on a one to one would be the best way forward I think you need to be taken out of the equation

Oooops again, darned phone.
renowned/rebounded - should be rehomed.

number your other DDs must be really pleased that you have at last had the courage to break out of this situation and they will be supporting you all the way.
Try to imagine yourself being calm and explaining to DD1 the impact her behaviour is having on you.
Don't criticise her; concentrate on how she makes you feel and the problems her behaviour creates.
Then tell her how you want her to change.
That's all you have to do.
Not easy but think of yourself being calm and strong, and you will be.

Ooops... renowned/rebounded

Numbers......you are not chicken, you have taken the steps to try and sort something. You are probably nervous and will be until your daughters arrive. Having three of you dilutes the situation in that you are not the big baddie. DDs sisters can perhaps speak more bluntly and keep the subject on topic regardless of any tantrum from DD. Please don't be discouraged by DD s objections and accusations which are bound to follow from DD.

This is now about what you need, and you need DD to understand and accept that you want, need, and deserve, to be able to have some peace and cooperation.... otherwise....... there is the option of sheltered accommodation or an equivalent...especially as DD should be considering her own future and how she will cope when you are older....in her own specialist accommodation.

Perhaps this is a good time to get this all out in the open and for plans to be made.

SS assesseent and see if DD can be renowned possibly with a care package. All this takes time and work by social workers and possibly a medical then wouldn't it be nice for you to come home to you own pleasant home and relax as you wish, have a friend or neighbour in for coffee
.

...also, you've given me the confidence to face up to a problem I've got at the moment as well....

But we're with you as well, number; don't forget that. You know things can't go on as they are.

Dear number, I have PMd you.

It's got to be tackled number. You can't let it go on like this. This could be the first step to making things better. Keep your pecker up. X

I`ve been in touch with my other 2 daughters, they`re both coming round tomorrow evening, but now I`m dreading how she`ll react, and that I`m still here when they`ve gone home. Chicken, that`s me!

HBoss excellent post.

I also don't like conflict and I don't use extreme swearing.....but very occasionally a well placed can certainly get attention.

numberplease I have sworn at my OH a few times when he shows that sort of bloody minded negativity. It's a way of saving our own sanity sometimes. More ((((hugs))))

Yes. Good post from HBoss.

Very good advice from HBoss. I was thinking that [and I'm guilty of this as well] wonderful as the internet is, it makes it easy for people that are housebound in some way to live a life completely at home and not make any effort to improve their lives. Which is good in most cases but can have adverse effects [affects?] on others. It's also very easy to slip into bad habits when at home all day . number; you're like me in that you'll do anything to keep the peace, not upset people etc but there comes a time when the mouse has to roar, and you've got all of us backing you up now.

Sorry posted before I could send the link. Please google online video game addiction in older people and you will find your daughter described there.

As a carer for your daughter you are entitled by law to a Carer's Assessment from your local council's Adult Social Care department. This is not dependent on your daughter's agreement. The assessment should help to identify any assistance which may be available to YOU as Carer, & should also give you information and advice about local support groups for Carers - which can be really helpful & supportive. If you qualify for assistance, nowadays it can be given as a Direct Payment, money which you can use to support your caring role - paying for someone to take your daughter out, to go shopping or to a garden centre, for instance, to give you a break. It sounds as if she might not agree to this, at least to start with, but you could always use the Carer Direct Payment to give yourself a break in other ways - relaxation sessions, exercise classes, or whatever might help to reduce stress for you! Even if you decide not to take up formal Carer services, it can be really helpful to discuss the situation with a sympathetic, knowledgeable professional, who might have some good ideas to introduce to your daughter about facilities and services which may be available to her in her own right... Google Carer services for your area...good luck!

Withdrawing from friends, family, or your spouse to the point of disrupting family, social, or work life
Experiencing feelings of anger, depression, moodiness, anxiety, or restlessness when you’re not gaming
Spending significant sums of money for online services, computer upgrades, or gaming systems
Thinking obsessively about being on the computer or playing video games even when doing other things
In addition, adults addicted to gaming may have physical symptoms like difficulty sleeping, migraines, back and neck aches, dry eyes, or carpal tunnel syndrome. Video game addicts also may become so preoccupied with earning the high score or reaching the next level that they forget to eat, shower, shave, or take care of basic hygiene. If you are concerned that someone you know may be struggling with video or computer game addiction, the following are a few warning signs you may notice at home or at work.

No, don't "shut up" number.

I do feel very sorry for her, she's been dealt a rotten hand in life, but I feel for you as well. You shouldn't have to be carrying this burden now. You do need to get some help from somewhere. Talking to the doctor wouldn't be drastic action. Have the talk with the other sisters and try to get them to help you. Perhaps one of them would go to the doctor's with you?

Stansgran I must admit the same thought about cutting off access to the internet had occurred to me. Tough love is still love.

number dont shut up and don't be sorry. Your not 'going on' I just hope it helps and the replys will encourage you to get some help. Somtimes we need to 'go on' about things it's natures way to help us come to terms with things or make a decision. Mulling things over. It can be therapeutic and helpful. xx

Oh dear me. I feel so sorry for your predicament . I have no intention of sounding unkind but you have a stroppy 51 year old teenager there. She plays games on a lap top? From 10 am to 3 am? Change the password of the Wifi and tell her that she can have TODAYS password when she has had a thorough strip wash in the bathroom and passed all her clothes out to you. She may not be able to get in the bath but she can stand on the bath mat on a plastic sheet and sponge herself thoroughly. She is possibly addicted to online gaming(not I'm sure for money) and I have heard from a friend who deals with online addiction that there are teens who won't break away from their game to go to the toilet. If you don't feel confident about changing the password ask at a computer shop. I am horrified what you are putting up with.

Just wondering..... is it possible that you yourself could benefit from your own social worker to work on your behalf in this situation. To help improve your workload and emotional state thus bring in the situation with your daughter to a head and possibly enforcing the placement of a social worker for you daughter.
DD... Shape up or ship out ... that sounds hard. But DD could have SS in the morning come in and prepare her for the day. Get a SS assesseent. Yes, DD will object but if your own dr says this has to be done for your welfare then DD will just have to cooperate, or else consider sheltered accommodation.

Does it matter if DD objects.....at present things are so bad that 'having it all out' can't really make matters much worse. Also, I'd do it with daughters present to keep you strong.

Would daughters go with you to dr and strongly request SS to come in take matters forward for all concerned.

.
.

Thank you all. I am going to see what my other 2 daughters have to say before I take any drastic action. I`ve had another big bust up with her just now, I know I shouldn`t have, but I told her to F off into a home, nothing is ever right for her, I feel like letting somebody else put up with her.
As to how long she`s had rheumatoid arthritis, she was diagnosed just before or just after her 20th birthday, although the symptoms were showing a few months before that. She had a job working in the kitchen at an old folks home, but had to give up a few weeks after being diagnosed. She`s had both hips replaced, both knees,one wrist, and has had a bone taken out of her elbow to give more mobility, but it didn`t work ! She can manage when we go away, but only because I leave everything where she can get it, and she has meals delivered from Wiltshire Farm Foods, so just has to microwave them. I admit she has it hard, but nowadays so do I, I always thought that by the time I reached this age I`d be taking it a bit easier. As to what happens in 10 or 20 years, I fervently hope there won`t be another 10 or 20 years! Now I`ll get told off for saying that!
She`s been moaning for months that her chair isn`t comfy to sit on, it was new in May, said she needed a cushion, but all the cushions we had weren`t up to the job, and she`s made no effort to get one, so a few weeks ago, I saw a gel cushion with a fleecy cover in a magazine, hubby said he`d have one, I showed it to her, she said it wouldn`t be any good, but to order one and she`d try it. It came today, she took one look at it on the chair and said it was no good, then she sat down and started complaining, this was wrong, that was wrong, then took it off the chair saying she can`t be doing with it, hubby says his is great. That`s when I lost my rag with her.
Anyway, I`ll shut up, sorry for going on so long.

number - lots of good advice on here about your daughter and I have nothing to add to that, but I will say remember to take care of yourself and your own health.

Such a terrible situation to find yourself in, and may I add my opinion for what it is worth? I would have probably done the same as you and carried on looking after my daughter, but putting it bluntly.....what happens in 10 years? or 20 years? Do your family honestly think this situation can be allowed to continue? When you are 81 and your daughter is 61 it could be a nightmare situation for all. You and all the family need to start planning for the time when you are no longer physically able to cope with your daughter, it cannot be left until there is a crisis or a tragedy. Apart from all of this, what about you? What about your life? You are only 71 and need to enjoy the years of comparative good health and mobility, have a couple of nice holidays, do things. Sorry to be brutal, and I don't mean to hurt or offend, but this situation cannot be allowed to continue, it is not healthy for you or your daughter.If your daughter is depressed then she needs treatment, if she is not depressed then she needs a good talking too, the family is made up of many people and should not be based on the needs of just one.