And my daughter too

Number you are not betraying her. You are the one doing the worrying and the caring.
I can understand why you are so worried about her. No immediate thoughts about this though.
As we seem to say on here, someone will be along soon with an idea. (((hugs)))

Could you speak to your GP about it, number? I knew a lady that suffered from rheumatoid arthritis for most of her life and she and her family had lots of help. I know home helps [or whatever they're called these days] are allowed to do less and less but they still go in each day. Or Age UK; I'm sure they could offer advice of some kind. It's a very depressing illness so maybe she's suffering from depression as well.

You are not being disloyal or betraying her - this is not an acceptable situation and you could do with some help. It is her problem and you are not being unreasonable to want to try and improve things.

Have you talked to her about it?
Have her sisters broached the subject with her?
Does she have a social worker dealing with her care and benefits?
Could you think about approaching the nurse at your surgery? - she is going to start to brew up medical problems like infected pressure sores if something is not done.

Well done you for coping with this - it cannot be very pleasant for you.

Tegan, she wouldn`t take kindly to anyone coming to see her, she grumbles when she sees family members coming in the back gate, also when the phone rings. And no way could I ring anyone without her knowledge, she`s always there, in the same room as the phone.

She must see a doctor at least once a year for a medication review. Could they not point out that she is in danger of bed sores etc [in a tactful way]?

Oh number. Loads of {{hugs}}

Definitely speak to her doctor. There must be some help out there, surely.

Mishap, yes, I have broached the subject several times, she either doesn`t respond, or says that she doesn`t smell. Our second daughter has told her that she`ll cut her toenails for her if she washes her feet first, and my other daughter bullied her into having her hair washed a few weeks ago, when I couldn`t do it after my fall, neither of them has told her she smells, although they have mentioned it to me. And no, she doesn`t have a social worker. We were going to apply for a grant for our bathroom turning into a wet room, as none of us can get into the bath these days, but the lady from social services who came said that as me and my husband`s conditions would possibly improve, and my daughter`s won`t, she put the application form in her name, but we can`t send it in because they want her bank details and she doesn`t want to give them.

I still think you could talk to the doctor and tell him about her refusing to give her bank details.

Is there an association for people with rheumatoid arthritis? Or perhaps you could contact Age Concern on your own behalf?

I wonder if these people could help?

Admire you for dealing and coping with this numberplease wondering, does she have a learning disability? If not then this is unacceptable for you to have to live with. She probably does need a social worker who would guide her without the emotional input.

Age Concern may help her also, as a friend who cleans for the elderly told me, 'Elderly starts at 50 according to Age Concern' maybe ask them for advice. Sorry not much help.

Numberplease you must get help first port of call is GP from my experience and explain the situation she needs to be referred to Social Services and I understand that you are reluctant to go against her wishes but her health and wellbeing is coming to a point where she needs to be told exactly how her negativity re personal hygiene is affecting her family and more importantly herself if neglected. It most certainly is not easy but I urge you to do something.

Hugs, number. What a very hard situation for you to deal with. Do try and get some outside help as advised by the others. More hugs.

number I echo what bags said above.

How incredibly hard for you, and I am 'glad' you didn't erase your post- as you really had to get it off your chest (and heart)- I really hope you will be able to contact outside help as it is just too difficult for you to talk to your daughter again. Thinking of you, hugs and

numberplease, you have obviously been very kind for many years but I think that the time has come for you to be a bit more selfish and stand up for yourself. I don't mean this in an unkind way but you really have put up with this for long enough so please look after yourself and get help. Stand firm and come back on the forum if you need encouragement.

I have been a carer and it seems easier to just keep going than to make changes but please don't.

Very best wishes to you.

There's an Abba song... goes "On and on and on"....

Wrong thread!!!!

Sorry number!

number A horrible situation for you, but I agree with everyone that you really need help.
You are important too you know. (((hugs)))

Dear Number. Everyone else has said what I would say. I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. and hugs.

number I honestly can't give any advice. It's sounds as if you've had a rough time of things. I think you've taken the first brave step yourself by posting on here. Now Take the next step and take some of the advice on here and tell someone. Have you got a sympathetic G.P. Liz is right you need to tell her she has to up her game if your going to continue caring for her. Why do you think your unable to confront her? Your not betraying her at all but she is taking you for granted. I understand that she too may have her own reasons for living as she does. Who knows by asking for advice you may help her confront her own demons. Your 71 your entitled to live comfortably in your own home. Good luck

number I have nothing to add to what has already been said. I send you a big hug and .

Number.

How brave of you to confide in such a personal matter, I am sure we all send you the heartiest of hugs.

For what my two penneth will add I don't know but I would hazard a guess you are a little bit of a whipping post for your daughter and a bit of a push over to boot. I do not say that with any malice because I have been in your shoes with my dear dad to a certain extent during the last year of his life (altzeimers). You must get back in touch with Social Services, why not tomorrow if you can whilst hopefully you are given a little strength to do so by the posts on here that have YOUR welfare at heart.

What would happen to her if you were taken ill due to the pressure you are being placed under? It is not just about your daughters welfare but yours too.

You are in an awful situation and I think it's time both of you accepted you need help. Social Services are there to help, they will have had to deal with people who don't want to disclose their bank details on many occasions. They know how to handle this situation and you are not getting any younger and if you don't act now you will just find the situation gets worse.

I really am so sorry to speak so unkindly but you have asked for thoughts and I dare say you knew that empathy would be shown but also some straight to the point responses. I think your post points to somebody who is at rock bottom and you have to put yourself first, possibly for the first time in years. Go to your doctor and Social Services and repeat exactly what you have put in words on GN, it is a clear message and doesn't shy away from some very truthful problems.

Good luck dear Number [ flowers]

I've been thinking about this problem.

Perhaps there is call here for a family intervention, I know they were popular at one time and then fell out of fashion. But we have had very good results with a member of our family and an intervention by four loving family members, one "old" friend, and a skilled professional. The circumstances were different, but it was similar in that this person had to get the message about the problems they were causing themselves and others.

If it is done in a firm but loving way, with the support of a professional it can be successful. In other words, your daughter will hear from everyone who agrees to help with the intervention, at once, so there is no way out for her. The "skilled professional" social worker does not have to be present, but she can help coach the intervention group.

Just a thought.

I always think that to do nothing is worse than doing something, no matter how much upheaval it causes. Sometimes things have to be said.