advice needed on DP's daughter and grandkids

Sounds very difficult, and sad for everyone involved.

The grandchildren - are they known to social services? If they appear neglected, the school is probably aware of unmet needs and may have involved welfare services.

The 'lesser' issue is the one of your dp's adult children still living with him. Of course the 26-year-old should contribute to household costs. Why on earth not?

The 22-year-old will have some income, even if it is some form of benefit. Of course he should contribute.

Why is your dp unable to insist on this?

He feels very responsible for his kids.
Their mother poisoned them against him and they wouldn't speak to him for over a year until they found out the truth themselves. In that time he was very depressed, almost suicidal. When they realised he wasn't the bad guy they left their mother and moved back with him and he is trying to rebuild his relationship with them. This is difficult enough.
His son refuses to sign on for benefits. To be honest I doubt he could do it himself. He's not capable of getting organised at all.

My ds has aspergers and attends a special needs school and I can see very similar traits in dp's son. Nothing ever diagnosed though.

Dp is paying for everything and everyone and his health has suffered.

He has asked nicely, cajoled and ranted.
They do the washing up for one day then it's back to nothing.

I cant butt in and tear them off a strip as I am just his girlfriend. No power.

I'd really like to speak my mind but have to hold my tongue
I've tried the pleasant " your dad can't cope" conversation.
It falls on deaf ears

Also, don't think social services are involved as the family members taking up the slack always try to make sure the kids have clean clothes etc when they leave for school.
Yes, the kids swear and have violent behaviour. I would imagine the school know the history as the police were involved when ex was violent. I assume they would refer to SS.
She split from him 18 months ago. They were visiting their dad every weekend but he now refuses to have them so they are foisted on us.

I don't resent the grandkids at all. Indeed I feel sorry for them, as does my ds. He dug out some of his old toys for them at the weekend and spent an hour showing them how to build brio railways. This takes a lot for him to do due to his social difficulties. I am very proud of him.

There is more than one user in this family, and your DP is the one being used.

It sounds as though a family conference is needed, including those who are nor living in the house, where everyone puts in their two-pennorth and proirities are thrashed out. You may be "just" his girlfriend, but you are involved in a lot of what goes on, so you deserve a say. You also seem to be the most sensible person around.

Could anyone else chair a family meeting? Maybe social services could help here - I don't know whether they intervene when there are not any problems that are directly their concern, to at least get everyone talking about it rationally.

You're right - you are in an impossible position. How lovely your ds was able to engage with the little ones.

The 22-year-old needs to sign on for benefits. If he is not capable of getting this organised, then someone needs to help him. This could be you? Once he is known to the system, he will be required to investigate training or education or at least the initial steps towards it - the days are gone when someone could sign on for years and years without making any move towards employment. There is support available for him.

He may not be lazy, but he clearly has social difficulties (possible Aspergers as you say). But it's just not reasonable for an adult to be so dependent on his parent and to do literally nothing all day. He may lack confidence, but the problem will get worse, not better, if left untackled.

I suggested an intervention.
Instead of all complaining to her separately we should get her to listen to all of us and our concerns for the kids in a group.

My DP agrees but finds it difficult to confront her as they end up rowing and he cuts off their relationship but then worries about the kids welfare so it's easy for her to break him down.

He died on the operating table a few years ago and this has left him with dangerously uncontrolled hypertension and at risk of stroke.

Obviously the stress of confrontation with her and indeed all of them, is not beneficial!

I wondered about writing to her in a non judgemental way, offering assistance in finding suitable and consistent childcare arrangements.

I fear being labelled as interfering.

This is too much for you to take upon yourself. There are people trained to deal with these situations. These children may be at risk so you need to contact Social Services, anonymously if need be

I agree with the above suggestions. This is too much for you to deal with yourself.

You need the help of Social Services for the grandchildren. The daughter needs to pay some financial contribution & elana is right, the son needs help to sign on for benefits.

A few years ago we had similar issue with our youngest (Aspergers) & when he signed on at job centre he was given an Employment Support Worker who gave him help to look for work. With her assistance he was able to get a job as a mechanic in a local garage. It would never have happened without her input as he is practically minded but was rubbish at school so had no exam results whatsoever to show.
He's still there 7yrs later.

Your DPs family need to be weaned from total dependence on him. It is time he had a rest from paying for everything and doing everything for everyone.

Start with housework. The ones living at home are old enough to clear up after themselves, cook a proper meal regularly (once a week each at least?) and do their own laundry. Pushing a vacuum round is not beyond their abilities, either, or cleaning the bathroom.

Getting the son onto benefits would be a step to sorting him out a little. He could then pay something toward his keep, and have pocket money to spend without relying on his father. He can be expected to take charge of his life and do more than sit playing computer games. He might even end up working, who knows!

The daughter may be saving for her own house, but if she pays nothing toward household expenses, she is doing at on her father's money. She should contribute something - the cost of her food ath every least, and ideally a proportion of the other bills.

The other daughter is a bigger worry, because she has an emotional lever to pull in the form of grandchildren. I agree with other posters that Social Services could help here, and the rest of the family working together to curb her selfishness may be able to get her to use a more responsible attitude to her children.

Whether they remind her of her ex is irrelevant - they are hers, and they rely on her. She is no longer a child herself, she is a mother, not a silly teenager who pays attention only to her latest man.

You have your hands full if you try to sort out this disfunctional family yourself, greytemples Get all the help you can.

greytemples I'm sorry to read of the situation you and your dp are coping with.
If nothing else, it may help you to speak to someone at an NSPCC family services center.

here

Some of the problems you mention fit the criteria of support offered.

I forgot to say that in tackling all these issues, I feel it would be best to address them one at a time. They all sound quite entrenched so unpicking individually first sounds like a good way to go, then follow through with family maintenance. It probably won't be quick, nor easy, but good luck.

You can't help this woman and you shouldn't waste time trying to do so. Your partner should immediately contact Social Services. Hopefully the children will be fostered, if not adopted, away from her.

Btw, I wouldn't care one little bit about any of the adults in this family situation. Just the boys. They deserve a decent childhood.

A bit harsh, Jings

Greytemples' DP can't help but worry about his children. Greytemples is worrying about him and sorting out the adult children would help him. I don't think he would be happy abandoning them.

They do sound a charming lot, though, all of them.

"The grandkids are always dirty, inadequately clothed and hungry. They seem almost feral at times."

Harsh?!

Harsh on DP. If they were not related, they could go hang, so long as the children were taken good care of, but there is no way the DP would fo along with that (I imagine)

I agree with jingls that the adults (other than the DP) deserve no consideration.
Unfortunately, going into care / fostering / adoption is not always a bed of roses for children so if another arrangement can be made that's all to the good.
The problems are inter-related - the DP works a lot to pay all the expenses as his DS & DD pay nothing, that means the DP is not readily available to the DGCs. Each adult child sees the DP giving in to the others and wants that for themselves also.
If the DP gets social services involved, putting the DGCs' needs first, they should be able to evaluate the whole situation and insist on changes being made.
Maybe having SS show them how dysfunctional the whole set-up is, could shock everyone into behaving reasonably.

Social Services should be brought in.

Why bother trying to patch up adult relationships while the children go on suffering. Get on and get some help for them.

Fully agree with that, jingls.
The children have had a rough ride, so far, and they need a stable adult presence in their lives. The DP could be that adult, if the other adults can be made to sort themselves out, or get out of the picture.

greytemples you mentioned your DP's hypertension and susceptibility to stress, hence dislike of confrontation. This whole situation, tho, must be causing him immense ongoing stress.

Exactly Jing - which is why I suggested the NSPCC.

Getting Social Services involved would be the last resort for me. These children may be better as they are than in foster care or in a care home.

I don't agree that what happens to the adults is of no concern. Just because everyone would want to see the grandchildren properly cared for, doesn't mean that there should be no sympathy for the plight of greytemples and her partner.

It's a very difficult situation but I do agree that something should surely be done about your partner's daughter's neglect of her children. I think probably social services should be contacted.

greytemples

I think your partner should definitely get more financial and practical support but I can understand that he wouldn't want to increase his stress levels through confrontation. Is it necessary that you remain on good terms with his family - do you often have to meet them? If not, perhaps you could ask your partner if he would be agreeable to you - or a concerned member of the wider family - speaking to them all in his absence to say you are very worried about their father's health and you are aware that he is becoming increasingly upset and stressed. Whether a "softly softly" approach, appealing to their better natures, should be taken or whether a "laying it on the line"/forceful approach should be taken, would depend on whether they're basically OK but thoughtless people or whether they're just selfish and uncaring.

I do hope that somehow this upsetting situation can be resolved - not least for the children.

I don't think getting Social Services involved means children get taken into care, that is a last resort. I think any SWs on GN will back me up on this that the emphases is on keeping families together and working with families to improve their parenting skills, among other things.