Awful weekend.

I would also just say to him "I love you" a few times a week.
Just that "I love you".
It is surprising how much difference it makes to teenagers. They are trying to appear hard, but inside, they are sometimes a bit lost at that stage in their lives. The world around them is rapidly changing.

Do you think that there is something new underlying his recent outbursts?

As regards his AS. Just vbecause he is forecast to fail his AS level, doesnt necessarily mean that he will.

Mine have tried to shock with piercings and (small) tattoos.

I didn't react to DS , just said 'hmm is that really you?' and the pierced ear gradually disappeared but the tiny tattoo remains, not generally on view. DD2 pushed the boundaries a bit more, I just said I was glad she had so much money to spare! Most have disappeared (apart from ears and small tattoo which is only noticeable in a bikini).

He wants to be an adult and move out but is behaving quite childishly - he is still finding his way and is probably really worried about his maths, as a result hurting the one he is closest to - his mother.

Yes, I agree that I have had some great advice and wonderful support so I thank you all for taking the time and trouble to care.

I spoke to the teacher who was allegedly told him he could leave and she put me in the picture of how it was said. It was in a classroom situation, addressing all the class, not him as an individual and as he had made out. She listened to my side of what has been going on and as his pastoral tutor, said that she would find him and talk to him. So I will see what happens there as she hasn't done this yet.

I also spoke to the head and the upshot is a meeting with him, my son, his maths teacher and myself in two weeks. He is forecast to fail his AS level in maths so why is he carrying on with it as he won't be able to do his A level if he doesn't pass his AS? And I was the one to call the meeting. Surely this should have been done by the school if they know he is spending time studying a subject they have predicted a fail in? Is it just me?

Anyway, that is where I am at. Apart from him just having a paddy when I asked him to stop swearing again, took a swipe at my laptop and then went to his room as I had told him to go upstairs. He certainly is pushing the boundaries and stomping his feet. Maybe it's my fault for having been lenient in the past with both my kids. Maybe when I have then said something they are objecting venomously because they are not used to me putting my foot down. And I thought I was picking my arguments. What's the use in shouting about a tattoo or piercing when if they lie or deceive or are abusive it is more of a problem to be tackled? Have they become like this because they are finding more serious things to shock me with and get a reaction? They have always had my attention, they do not need to get "bad" attention. Or is this how children work to break away from their parents? Psychology is intriguing.

I think Nightowl's post says it all. It's very good advice you're being given.

Yes I was going to say call his bluff, very nicely! Explain that you love him, but you realise that you are not getting on and that you will support his decision to leave if that is what he wants. You may well find that is not what he wants at all when he looks into it. Be kind, be the grownup.
Let him know the door is always 'open' if he does decide to move out (but make sure you get his key back off him!)

Good ideas from Nellie.
You could use this to your advantage Ruby.
When he comes home with his tail between his legs, having realised that living independently is going to be a very tough choice, he will have effectively chosen to live at home with you.
That presents you with an opportunity to say that of course you are delighted to have him home, provided he observes the rules of the house, number one being that he treats his mother wih civility and due respect at all times!

Rubylady Call his bluff and suggest to him that he goes to a young peoples advice place and discuss with them how he could live independently at 18 and keep studying.
They may be able to enlighten him about the difficulties and explain the pitfalls of this idea. To be blunt it would be very difficult but let him find that out for himself.

Might be worth remembering that none of us know what the teacher actually said, or why.
Of course a 17 year old can leave home if he or she wants to.
Where they live and on what, is another question entirely.

It seems very irresponsible of the teacher. It is of course true, they just missed out the essential part of having to afford it!
I think you just to have to lay it on the line with him- teenagers rarely understand the cost of living.

I echo Nightowl's post.

Hopefully the weekend alone will help him sort his mind out a bit as well as refresh you. (You are still going aren't you?)

Is your house big enough for him to live with you, but more independently? Have his own space, do his own cooking, washing etc. Practice living within the means he'll have when he starts university. Almost as if he's a lodger. It may help you too to get used to the hole he'll leave when he goes.

Family dynamics change because our children do [usually and eventually] grow up. Just because we are older doesn't mean that we shouldn't change too.

Aaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh. . . . . Kids!!! I should have stuck with dogs!! lol

Sorry, I am just lightening my load.

Thank you, I will sleep now and be back in the morning recouped. Xxx

rubylady, if a teacher at college has really told your son that, and it is not just that he has been listening selectively (as they do) then she is indeed very foolish. Do try not to get sucked into his thinking on this. I think that if your son wants to stay in education it is completely unrealistic for him to think he can leave home. He will not be entitled to any benefits to allow him to do so, and he will have to support himself. So I would just treat this calmly and tell him that if that's what he wants to do then fine, he'd better start looking into how he will support himself and where he will live. If he's old enough to move out he's old enough to research all that by himself. Give him the message that you love him and would prefer him to stay at home but you are not going to fight him over this. I would also have a word with the headmaster about the information your son is being given at school.

I know there would be some advantages for you if he left, as you say, a quieter life and a chance to meet a partner. But it also comes across from your posts how much you love your son so I think you would still be worrying about him wherever he went and the problem would not go away for you. You really are on a roller coaster ride with him at the moment - step off if you can and let him get on with his dramas by himself.
((hugs))

He came home from college today and said that a teacher told him that he can leave home once he turns 18 in May and that she deals with this sort of thing, so that is in his head now. I wanted to have him here, to sort out the aggression and set him out into the world where he can have good relationships with anyone. If he leaves now or May he solves nothing. Stupid teacher.

It would be better for me for him to go now, it would mean I have less stress and so could get my health back onto some sort of even keel and once I had sorted out finances then all would be somewhat better than having someone keep putting me down and saying awful things every week or so. I could maybe find a partner and feel that my home will not be disrupted and feel embarrassed if he was around kicking off. What man wants to be with a woman where her 17 year old is aggressive? I'd have enough trouble getting into another relationship myself without his problems too. (I mean with insecurities, health problems etc.)

Does anyone know if 18 year olds still at college can claim benefits of any kind including housing benefit?

He comes into some money for his 18th birthday but says he won't use that as it isn't the government's business! He has a lot to learn. He also thinks that any money my ex is paying me (through CSA) would then go to him instead along with his child benefit. Really?

I had my DC very young (18 when I had DD) so we had never been without children until the last one went off to university. We'd always had an active social life, and were both working full time, so, in a way life was much easier! Yes, I missed them too, but we and they were happy and busy, and holidays were hectic and great fun - I never knew how many would be living with us / passing through. You, and they, move through these phases side by side, not co joined.

We loved watching them flourish, take off round the world, settle down, produce wonderful (of course!)l DGC and are now seeing the first DGD, 18, off doing Voluntary Community Service in her gap year. She has the best relationship ever with DD, but both knew it was time to go.

I would make that a medal if I could.

I would add that you do sound a very good mum. he is lucky.

Wow Rubylady. There is a lot more information in your last post that we didn't have before. I think I'm changing my opinion of your son. I think, to a large extent, he will grow out of this in time, but he's going to need a lot of support from you. It does sound as though he's on the outer edge of the Aspergers spectrum. He has come through a lot, and I now have a lot of respect for him. He is still slogging on, trying to make a decent future for himself. That is so good.

I think he is still going to need a lot of background support from you. You need to put all the stuff in your own past firmly behind you, and just continue being there for him. I'm sure you praise him for the effort he is putting into his education. I think that is very important. You will just have to take the knocks he hands out, for the time being. Stay calm and be the grownup. He is still your child. He is still your responsibility. Keep on trying to help him. Don't ever give up on him. Sure, try to enjoy your own life, but he still needs, and deserves, to be the most important person in your world. It's hard, but that's the way it is.

Very best wishes.

Ruby you sound as though you actually have a good grip of things.
I hope the meeting with the headmaster is constructive and he's able to suggest ways of helping your DS who sounds a good lad at heart.
Good that you had a good time with your brother and I hope you have a lovely weekend. There's nothing like the comfort of women friends

It is hard not to make one's children the centre of one's life when they are at home, but they are an important part, not the only factor in it, and one does them no favours by indulging them, does one?

I have found (my DC are all in their mid to late forties) that they may become your friends as well as your children, but it is not a given. They need to have their own social circle, and find out how to live life their way. "Roots and wings" as the adage goes, are the best gifts we can offer them.

As regards your daughter. You may have a trickier job there. She has been gone a long time, and isnt getting better in her behaviour.
You have said yes to everything she wanted. She has been conditioned that you will say yes to everything she asks for. So it is a shock to her that you are now saying no.
I think I would explain to her [if you havnt already]. lovingly and gently, that you regret saying yes to her for however many years.
That you will not be doing that in the future, but that does not mean that you love her any less.
It is possible that she thinks that no means you love her less?

Right now, he may need some space.
He is 18 with new opurtunities.
He has friends talking about all sorts of things.

This may not be quite the right moment for him to open up fully about his emotions. That may have to wait a little while.
But in the meantime just mainly listen to things he says.

This is what I would do.
Though, it is very hard to be able to know exactly what is going on from a few posts on an internet. Hard, if not impossible really.

I would try and listen carefully to your son. See if you can figure out what he is really thinking.
Ask him to write things down if necessary? Even if they are hurtful to you?

It sounds like, underneath, he has good behaviour. It may be buried, but it sounds like it is there.
One question, do you think that he has gone through his teenage years fully yet? Some lads that I know, dont really seem to until about 24 years old. I am not sure why. I think sometimes they have a lot of issues to work through, particularly if their childhood has been difficult, which your son's has been.

Also, I would google things about abandonment. It may give you more ideas about how your poor son is feeling.

Sorry if this post sounds like it is all about your son and not you. But if your son eventually feels happier, you will a bit too.

Hope you have a lovely time next week.
And I hope you can offload a bit to your brother and friends if it is appropriate.
And offload on gransnet anytime you feel like it!

ruby You sound much stronger in your last post. Good for you, enjoy your break, keep seeing your friends and your brother, and stay positive.
Good luck ((hugs))