Something off my chest

hen Before the funeral take time out to relax and sleep. Try to get your strength up to deal with the day itself. Eat well, get lots of vitamins so your immune system doesn't go down and if you do feel tired at whatever time, take a nap or go to bed for an hour.

You are an amazing woman and I am sure your account of what has happened has resonated with lots of us on GN. It has with me due to my mother being very ill but I have conflicting emotions about her now, as do my siblings about my father so when our parents do die, we will have to be strong and understanding for each other. We are trying to build our relationships stronger before this happens.

The body and mind do go through some things in a lifetime. Please be good to yourself now, you deserve it in bucketfuls. Xxx

Henetha

This really struck a chord with me, because I saw Ex for the first time in 8 years on Saturday and was truly shocked by his appearance. He has been very ill, he looks a good ten years older than he is, (early 60s) his hair has gone white, he has shrunk and his voice has gone up at least an octave. I didn't recognise him. He was/is an alcoholic. I hated meeting him but did it for DD's sake. I found myself wondering if I would be expected to help if he became really ill and she needed help. I decided that I would, if necessary. Not for his sake, but for hers. I think what you did is amazing, because I found myself feeling so relieved that I was no longer with him and not having to deal with him.

My mother refused to help us at all in any way when my father had a series of strokes 13 years after their divorce, she wouldn't even take the children when we needed them out of the way for ferrying him to hospital visits and so on. I couldn't do that to DD.

I can only echo what others have said before me, henetha

Again, sincere thanks to all of you for your kind words. What lovely people you are.
I don't want to come over as some sort of saint, because I am most definitely not! Like most people, I just muddle through and try sometimes to do the right thing.
The funeral is arranged for Friday 6th February. After that I can relax.

Henetha everyone has said it all. Be kind to yourself.

Kudos to you henetha for all that you did for your ex.
Time for some richly deserved 'me' time for you now.

henetha I think the aftermath of someone's death is for most people a confusing time of conflicting emotions - sorrow, regret, guilt, anger, relief, resentment, etc.

Given the particular situation you describe, I think it is perfectly natural, now that the stress and pressure is at an end, that feelings you were perhaps unconsciously holding at bay are now coming to the surface. There is no need to share those feelings with any of your family if you don't want to, but you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

I think you did a wonderful, compassionate thing in caring for someone who, despite you maintaining a fairly amicable relationship throughout the years, had caused you unhappiness in the past. You had no obligation to do so but I think it is a tribute to you that you did, and it must have been a great comfort to your former husband.

henetha have PM'd you.

You are a heroine, henetha. Well over and above the call of duty, but I can see that you are the kind of person who would never have forgiven herself if she hadn't gone the extra mile. I have often wondered how I would feel if ex pre-deceased me, though fortunately he remarried long ago and they live many thousands of miles away.

When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I brought her to live with us. My wonderful GP at the time, a very wise Sikh, said to me "I will be very hard, but it will eventually give such health to your psyche."

It did; there were some issues between Mum and me, but it was the right thing to do - a phrase that people keep using here. And you know it was, and it will comfort you, brave lady.

henetha you are, quite simply, a better person than I am.

By the way, a relative of mine did exactly as you have done, and moved on with life and is now very happy.

You will move forwards - it is so early in the process. Do not ask too much of yourself - acknowledge the conflicting emotions as normal and do not waste energy feeling guilty about the negative thoughts.

When you left your OH you made the right decision for then; and in nursing him in his last illness you again made a right decision. Your acts of kindness over the last few months wipe out any guilt that you might feel that it was necessary to leave him.

When someone is dying we try to remember the good things, and there will have been some of those even thought the marriage did not last, and we start to question whether the bad bits were as bad as we thought. I am sure they were - your kindness to him now indicates the sort of person you are and you would not have made that decision to leave him lightly.

Look back without guilt; move on with the knowledge that you eased his passage from this life and can feel satisfaction with a job well done.

Jinglebellsfrocks asked me why I did it. Well, it's complicated and I don't fully understand it myself.
When he was diagnosed with cancer in July 2013 he rang me and we arranged to meet. Seeing him, I was struck by how dreadful he looked.
When he asked me to go to chemotherapy sessions with him I agreed.
From then on I visited him a great deal, almost every day the past few months when he deteriorated so much.
Partly it was, I think, because of guilt on my part. It was me that broke up the marriage, not him. After the children left home i decided I had had enough and left him. (lots of reasons, mainly his regular drunkenness).
So, when he was ill I felt that had I not left him, he would not be facing cancer alone. He had never re-married or met anyone else.
Also, I do strongly feel that we all need someone to be kind to us. I hope someone is there for me when I need it. Our two sons are great, but they work and their time is limited. So that left only me, and I'm retired so had the time.
Did I do the right thing? I think so. But I never expected to have to deal with this range of such conflicting emotions.
Today we are registering the death and arranging the funeral; after that hope to pull myself together and move forwards.

you are braver than me, I would have left him to stew. Henetha, so look after yourself now, you have nothing to regret.

You have done more than anyone could expect under the circumstances. And no wonder you feel as you do, you must be physically and emotionally drained.

Give yourself time and space

I've just seen this thread Henetha and echo what everyone else has said! Be j nd to yourself now and allow yourself to feel what ever feelings come!

I have this situation with my mum so can empathise!

I am overwhelmed by all your lovely kind comments. Thank you so much. I am so glad I decided to get it off my chest. You all seem to understand my conflicting feelings, especially those of you who have had similar situations. I feel a bit better already. Many thanks.

Henetha you must have a good heart. As has been said already the death of someone who has played a significant part in our lives can produce many conflicting emotions, it takes time to process them.

Glass how very difficult for you but you have do do what feels right for you

Actually, why did you do it?

Glass

henetha you have done very well. I can't imagine doing what you've done for a husband who became an ex twenty five years ago. Amazing. You need to let it all go now. You have done more than enough.

henetha I can't add anything to what the others have written, except to say you sound such a kind and generous person.
Time to be generous to yourself now, and allow yourself time to work through those natural feelings

Same here as well, henetha;conflicting emotions over someone who is very ill. If it's any consolation, what you have written has made me feel less bad about myself. It sounds as if you've had to be very strong for everyone and now you've been able to let that strength drop the tiredness and emotion have taken over. What you've done is quite astounding and don't think otherwise about yourself .

henetha I can relate to what you are feeling, be strong {{{hug}}}
I am going through something similar with my Father. I am also having conflicting emotions and I am torn as my family cant understand my choices of being there for my Mum and helping where I can, and wont or cant support me. I am unsure how I am going to handle things when he dies which will be soon.

henetha

This happened to a dear friend of mine, although they had never divorced they were reasonably amicable (despite the fact that he had led her a merry dance when they were together). She was there for him when he became ill and helped to organise his funeral.

When you are less exhausted you will look back on this and be glad that you did your best. Well done.