Something off my chest

for you henetha, time for you to concentrate on yourself now, you've had a tough time and must be mentally exhausted

It seems entirely natural to have conflicting emotions, hopefully writing them down on here might be the first step you take to get yourself back on track.

So sorry henetha.
You sound like you have been doing lovely things.

I think what you are feeling is entirely natural and normal.

I cant say a lot more as I dont know much more.
But I do know, through occasionally it happening to me before about a couple of other things, that it is very confusing to feel diverse emotions all at the same time.
I think if I were you, I would allow the negative emotions to come through first. In my limited experiece, they may have to be thought about and processed before other emotions can come through.

Please accept my sympathy on your loss even though you where not to-gether this person was a part of your life and how you lived it,he will no doubt have been grateful for your kindness even though he didn't show it and it is a testament to what kind of person you are henetha I'm sure you feel better off loading and how brave of you to tell the rest of your family how you feel,you are very strong indeed and should congratulate yourself on your unconditional caring for this man who made for difficult times during your earlier life with him. (( hugs))

Don't worry about feeling resentment, henetha. You will sort out your emotions in time to come.

I didn't like my stepfather. My father died when he was only fifty and I couldn't understand why my mother would want to marry a selfish, heavy smoker/drinker who was obviously never going to be accepted by the family.

He died of lung cancer when he was seventy. I helped my mother nurse him as she was never a 'coper' and sat with him the night he died. I didn't feel any grief, just a vague sense of duty. His son had emigrated to Australia and there was no contact so my feeling was, somebody's got to do it.

Now that I'm older and wiser, I'm glad I did. Despite wishing he'd never come into our lives I'm glad I held his hand and talked to him throughout that long night.

You've done what you did for your ex because it's the way you are and you are feeling the way you do because you cannot forget the way he treated you. Nothing wrong with remembering, he was a b****rd but you'll be glad you did what you could for him at the end.

You will never regret what you did Henetha and I'm sure in time you wiil come to terms with it.I think mostly in life we regret much more often the things we didn't do. Affection remains for the good times and shared family but it is very good that you recognise that it wasn't enough to keep you together.

henetha,...its an old cliché I know...but my heart goes out to you. Very many people would not have put themselves through what you have done for this man and I do hope you can soon be at peace with yourself. I'm going through a similarly conflicting experience...will not bore you with details....and its so difficult when you cannot readily sort out the conflicting emotions.

It sound to me that you have done a wonderful thing....a bit of good old fashioned human values....doing something to help another person even if they had made your life pretty unpleasant. You have every right to your emotions and memories...just do not let them overrun your life now. Its all over and you did the right and courageous thing. All my very best to you.

henetha likes OP have said, you have so many emotions running through your mind right now, that to make sense of everything seems all muddled up, I am glad you decided to do what you did as then you will never have any regrets, I'm sure we all have people we "dislike" for certain reasons, but I think human nature takes over when compassion is need or wanted, at least you did help and you will never live your life wishing you " had " helped.

You need to think about how you would have felt if you had not looked after him - it would have been going against your nature and you would have felt guilty.

So.......you did the right thing, but at some cost to yourself.

It would have been very odd indeed if there had not been an element of resentment in your current feelings - so you are just being human - that is fine.

Remember that these conflicting emotions are there when anyone dies - we like to think that we can look back without any negative taint - no arguments, no times when you wished that person was not there. But the reality is that any relationship, however close, has its good and bad times, and we have to come to terms with these when that person dies. In your case that is magnified by your estrangement from your ex.

But do please keep in mind that you did all you could and can feel proud of that.

I would strongly suspect that other members of your family will also have conflicting emotions, so do not feel that you are alone in this, or that you are wrong to feel as you do.

I admire you for what you did - you now need to gently put it behind you and move forward, secure in the knowledge that you have done all you could and done the right thing.

I think there would be more concern if you did not have conflicting emotions.

For whatever reasons - You did what you felt was right.

A friend of mine was divorced (by mutual consent) and later her ex-husband died suddenly, and she spoke of having mourned for the loss of her marriage and then having been surprised at how much she found herself mourning for the death of her ex-husband, whom she no longer loved. You are quite entitled to have confused feelings (including much understandable resentment) but they might have been complicated even more by guilt if you had not helped your ex, after all. I hope that unloading here has helped a bit. and [hugs]

Most people have very mixed emotions when someone close dies and these almost always include some sort of anger and resentment as well as sadness. Your abundantly generous heart will, I am sure, see you safely through the sorrow and confusion.

You have done a very good thing and I am full of admiration for you. So what if he wouldn't have done the same for you? It is truly selfless to do unto others without any hope that they would do the same unto you, to paraphrase. Let your emotions go wherever they like, you are under no obligation to anybody else, but if there are happy memories I hope you can enjoy them.

Hats off to you henetha many others would have walked away.

henetha have been away. My heart goes out to you. I can't add anymore than all these fine posts before me. be kind to yourself, and roll with the emotions.

henetha

This happened to a dear friend of mine, although they had never divorced they were reasonably amicable (despite the fact that he had led her a merry dance when they were together). She was there for him when he became ill and helped to organise his funeral.

When you are less exhausted you will look back on this and be glad that you did your best. Well done.

henetha I can relate to what you are feeling, be strong {{{hug}}}
I am going through something similar with my Father. I am also having conflicting emotions and I am torn as my family cant understand my choices of being there for my Mum and helping where I can, and wont or cant support me. I am unsure how I am going to handle things when he dies which will be soon.

Same here as well, henetha;conflicting emotions over someone who is very ill. If it's any consolation, what you have written has made me feel less bad about myself. It sounds as if you've had to be very strong for everyone and now you've been able to let that strength drop the tiredness and emotion have taken over. What you've done is quite astounding and don't think otherwise about yourself .

henetha I can't add anything to what the others have written, except to say you sound such a kind and generous person.
Time to be generous to yourself now, and allow yourself time to work through those natural feelings

Glass

henetha you have done very well. I can't imagine doing what you've done for a husband who became an ex twenty five years ago. Amazing. You need to let it all go now. You have done more than enough.

Actually, why did you do it?

Henetha you must have a good heart. As has been said already the death of someone who has played a significant part in our lives can produce many conflicting emotions, it takes time to process them.

Glass how very difficult for you but you have do do what feels right for you

I am overwhelmed by all your lovely kind comments. Thank you so much. I am so glad I decided to get it off my chest. You all seem to understand my conflicting feelings, especially those of you who have had similar situations. I feel a bit better already. Many thanks.

I've just seen this thread Henetha and echo what everyone else has said! Be j nd to yourself now and allow yourself to feel what ever feelings come!

I have this situation with my mum so can empathise!