Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

So tonight is another example of what happens to the family when one child is not speaking to us and the sister of that child doesn't want to be involved. We can't get invited to a funeral .
My stepdaughter has lived with her boyfriend for 24 years. They live 3000 miles from us but she came in to help us when my mother in law was ill and passed away. Of course we paid for both trips.
Well her significant others father passed and there is a memorial service in two days near our home. She told us last night she didn't want us to come because we didn't know the father and people might think we are going to the service just to see her.
Even though she is not married to this man legally doesn't mean he is not like a son in law. How many of us didn't know our friends parents but still went to the service?
And she has no time to see us as they have too much to do in four days. My husband offered to come by the house they will be staying at but were told no . She said this isn't about her.
I'm thinking it's because her brother, my stepson is estranged from us and maybe she is seeing him or her mom and another grandparent who is elderly. We have a good relationship with her so we are baffled. Of course my husband accepts everything and never questions anything. To me this rificulous that she doesn't want to see her dad for 15 minutes?
I'm so sick of all this . And we should leave all our possessions and money to these kids when we leave this earth? I'm going to try and spend every last dime. Let them earn theirs.

it's hard not to jump to conclusions when a family is fractured but it could be she's being honest Rhinestone and that none of her family are going to the memorial service and she wont be seeing any of her family at this time either.

I agree it's strange especially when you've known her partner for so long and not wishing to see your hubby, her dad even briefly when they live so far away is also odd.

This is one of the worst things about this situation, it can make you anxious about what you do and say with the child/ren you remain in contact with. Fearful of just being 'normal', behaving the way you always have in case you lose that other child/ren too.

I'm a very demonstrative person; have silly nick names for both boys etc and this it turns out was something our ES's wife hated. When we went to visit our other son and d.i.l. in Aus. last Easter I kept wondering if I should be more restrained, not keep giving him a hug and telling him how much I love him but in the end I just behaved the way I always have. To have been different just wouldn't have been right and too hard to maintain for over 3 weeks. I'm sure too he'd have noticed and asked me what was wrong, and then thought me silly.

You say you have a good relationship with her so that's something to hold on too. Try not read too much into this; the times we did that in the beginning, convincing ourselves that we would lose him too, only to find thank goodness that it was our paranoia and there was nothing to fear.

I hope you find out for certain, once the memorial service is over and things have settled down that your relationship with her remains strong.

Took me ages to write a post, as my Hudle is acting up, and then lost it when I pressed post
Celebgran thanks for the link for Cliffs song, it was very apt & poignant
smileless I have lovely pictures of my children with Micky & Mini, a really good one with my darling little Jenni-ann, now estranged :'( Yes you have to be yourself smileless I wonder sometimes if I do things a little differently , unconsciously. well you are on your hols ;-)

Had to post as Hudle needs to go in the bin!
Rhinestone it's bad enough going to a funeral for someone you know, so I wouldn't worry about not going to someone's that you've never met, you have shown your support so you have shown you care. Sounds like trouble ahead with your stepdaughter!!

Yes SMILELESS I am now feeling like I have to watch everything I do and say. My husband thinks it odd that we couldn't stop over for twenty minutes where they are staying. But he lets things go while I think and rethink. Like YOGAGIRL says, we showed our support. But I do feel that if her mom and my husband were still together she would see them. And she has a ninety something grandmother here so I can't believe she won't see her either.
I did write my son a letter and told him I missed him and when he is ready I am there. I'm glad I saw him because at least I know what's in his head even if it is skewed thinking.

Rhinestone I think men are able to let things go that we agonise over !

I a. Feeling very edgy at moment, we are going are bel mooney and our close friends advice and let it go ref Tor not sending presents this Xmas as it is more damaging to us than we realise.

I still feel sad though, will bounce back a. Sure.

Smileless hope you not too sad at end of holiday, you have x as with wonderful son like us to look forward to. Am drinking toast to our hol only week away and to all of us too

Yogagirl hope you had lots cuddles with little
One this week.

On bright note Gra bought me some lovely boots I had my eye on! Really pleased with them! Suede black, nice heel, or name real zip front v nice !

We also seeing Danika tomorrow ! Hurray,

Had few tears last night, think Impact of letter really hit me., and just feel so sad about little ones.

Never mind can only get better. Just kinds seems end of hope, guess it is really.

Yogagirl I cried when cliff sang all my love it is apt isn't it?

Not feeling too sad that our holiday will soon have come to an end thanks Celeb. That's the problem with holidays isn't it, they have to end eventually.

I'm missing all our animals so it'll be good to get back to them, give them all lots of cuddles and their pressies. I'm pleased that the thought of going home no longer fills me with dread the way it used too.

Perhaps it isn't just and end to hoping Celeb but also an end to that sense of hopelessness and helplessness. I think those were two of the emotions that made me dread returning home but they've gone now and so has the dread.

Have fun with Danika and enjoy your new boots.

I'm glad you sent your letter Rhinestone and hope that having done so gives you some peace; there's nothing more you can do. As Yogagirl said, you've shown your stepdaughter your support and that's all you can do at this time.

Oooh Yogagirl, I've seen sooo many lovely little outfits for little princesses like your Carla; you'd spend a fortune out here.

Take care.

Glad you had a good time Smileless in Florida. We all need that break don't we? I heard it will be cool there this winter as we go for a month. I cannot wait.
I am glad I sent my son the letter even if he ignored it. I know I did the right thing and at least I know he is healthy and looks good. That's all we want as moms .
I think I am in a " I don't care so much place" with the step kids. I have been in their lives for over thirty years and I cannot control what they do or not do with their dad. We wiinder if we get invited to the grandsons birthday in Nov. DH says he will text his son to work it out. I am trying to emotionally distance myself from all that and accept what the outcome will be.
My therapist said to move on with my life. She said it is my time to do the things I love and live MY life. I think that's a good message for all of us. If only it weren't so hard.

Morning girls
I've been up since 5.30! thought it was later, but that's the time when it all starts badly churning in my head and I start getting very depressed, so best to get up & have a nice therapeutic cup tea.
You are doing the right thing Celebgran in not sending gifts, just send nice cards to the girls, not to Tor or do what I do, money in bank account & nice card in their gift sacks.
I have never sent a card to my estD from the very start of this and it was her birthday the following week of my being cut out! I did send her a "Happy birthday" txt and said 'would you like to come out for a nice birthday meal with your mum & sister and we can built a bridge over troubled waters"

smileless enjoy your last few days in Florida. When I came back home from Turkey the first year after the estrangement, I cried on the aeroplane, luckerly I was sitting next to the window, so I could turn my face away, so no one saw :'(
Celebgran I find it helps to imagine a future reunion and everyone happy and making up, I know we are told not to do this, but it actually puts me in a better place, rather than dwelling on thinking I'll never see them ever again :'(
Rhinestone I wish your DH good luck with trying to sort it with his Son and also you with yours
Nice weekend all

Hope thathelped Yogagirl. It's horrible when you wake up really early and can't get back to sleep, or go to bed and sleep eludes you because you've so many thoughts going around in your mind.

Like you, we've never sent our ES cards from the very beginning. It was 3 years ago on 2.11. that we realised we'd lost him. It was his birthday and I did what I've always done since he left home, 'phoned to sing 'happy birthday' only to discover that he'd blocked our 'phone. His card and pressie remained in our home unopened and unwanted; like our love for him too.

I remember our plane coming in to land after a holiday when this first began and crying because I just didn't want to go home; thankfully those days are behind me now.

I no longer dream of reunions and being a proper granny, just one in name only but if it helps you Yogagirl and Celeb go for it. We must do whatever it takes; there are no rights or wrongs when it comes to coping.

You've got Florida to look forward too Rhinestone, we have Christmas in Aus., you're spending Christmas with your lovely son Celeb and for you Yogagirl Carla's first Christmas.

It's a grand life as long as you don't weaken. Here's some Floridianfrom my last weekend here to brighten yours.

Aagh thanks for [sun] smileless ! I am having quick cuppa break between chores Gra at work,

I dreamt of Tor about a week ago and the little ones I asked which was Daisy, I woke very sad! I try keep a glimmer of hope alive so am In Between both you girls in outlook.

I hadnt thought of still sending card, I think I will definitely to mollie thanks for idea yogagirl.

We were going just send voucher to each a good friend of mine says I torment myself doing that and she probably right.

On bright note barn Dance tonight with fish and chips included mmmm

Oh smilless so wish you and indeed all of us didn't have this sadness,

End on sad note a friend of mine husband passed away yesterday, sadly they estranged from daughter like us but got nice son, went court see grandkids and worked several years but destroyed any remnant of relationship with daughter. Sadly she moved about year ago and contact stopped. How very sad now her dad died, there are no winners ever in this horrid horrid estrangement process.

No going end cheerful had lovley cuddles with Danika yesterday she came on her new scooter it so helps to see her and her lovely mum.
Life goes on and going take bel mooney advice no letters or cards this year and focus on who does love and need us !

Oh that is sad Celeb I wonder how she'll feel when she learns he's gone and she'll never have the opportunity to reconcile. I wonder if any of our estranged children realise that one day we'll be gone and it will be too late.

What do you do in that situation? If her brother doesn't know where she is will they be able to let her know her father's died. It's like these children have thrown a pebble in to a pond, with no real concept of how many ripples it'll cause and no understanding that the ripples will continue long after the pebble's been thrown and they've turned their backs and walked away.

We continue to send our GS cards for his birthday and Christmas and will do so for the new baby too; one to send and one for the memory boxes. I bought a Christmas tree decoration for the baby yesterday, just has the year and a little Mickey having taken a bite out of an ice lolly. Didn't want to get a baby's first Christmas as even though we've been told their having another boy we can't be certain until he/she's born. Just a little thing for the memory box; made me cry thoughsilly woman that I am, crying for a child not yet born that I'll never know.

Just finished skyping DS in Aus. haven't been able to see him for a few weeks as they have trouble with internet connection; we talk on the 'phone but I miss not being able to see him.

Last day today, flying back to the UK tomorrowbut will collect all the boys on Wednesday.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend xx

Safe journey home smileless be glad have you back in uk!

Been lot longer for us so this Xmas is no contact!

My friend has said her daughter will be informed but not via her (police I expect ) as she has no address. You are so totally right smilless and put it so well about pebble and Ripples I think of the mechanics song in the living years and it is so true.

Yogagirl hope your weekend gone well you too rhinestone, late post as friends just gone had Chinese and wine evening.

Morning
celebgran How sad about your friends husband dying without reuniting with his daughter, I wonder if she will be sad or more, or will she not care! Loved the pictures of you & little Danika.
Safe trip home smileless Love the tree Deco idea, wonder if I can get one for each GC with their birth year to put on my tree. So true re the ripple effect! You should join us on FB then you'd get to see the pictures we share :-)

"You Are My Sunshine"

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another,
You'll regret it all one day

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Please don't take my sunshine away

We played that song as GS2's funeral

But not the last/second verse.

I think of that often Celebgran about being ill or dying without seeing my son ever again. My mom called and left a message to ask how his knee was but she never got a call back. Now what did my 86 year old mom do ? They used to be so close.
Well just found out via Facebook that stepson and his wife had a huge Hallloween/ Birthday party Saturday for the grandson. Is that perhaps why my stepdaughter couldn't see us as she was stopping by at the party and didn't want us to know? The real birthday isn't until Nov and my DH says he will text to see if we can see the grandchild for his birthday. But the real question is why my daughter and her children were not invited? They had invited some of their friends parents but not my daughter? She was always included.
This is surely the ripple effect.
I am sad about X mas as I have a new tree and am not going to make the holiday this year. I just cannot.
Smileless you are probably home now and relaxed. Do you not send a gift with the card to your grandson?
I'm afraid that the gifts I have sent are given but the children aren't told who they are from .

Anya

I'd never really listened to the words of that song Yogagirl so hadn't realised how poignant they were.

It's been such a long time for you Celeb but perhaps not sending your ED a card this Christmas will help, just a little. Will you send cards to the GC?

We sent a Christmas present to our GS for his 1st Christmas Rhinestone. We bought a beautifully illustrated copy of 'Twas the night before Christmas', I used to read it to the boys every Christmas Eve when they went to bed. I left it on the door step on Christmas Eve and later that evening it was forced back through our letter box with a cruel and vindictive note from our ES, unopened but the wrapping paper all torn. He informed us we were no longer a part of his or our GS's life. He told us there would be consequences if we didn't leave him and his family alone and continued to provoke him. Needless to say he received a written response on Christmas day.

I told him we were grand parents and would always be a part of our GS's life, that we would continue to send cards on his Bday and for Christmas as long as we knew where he was living; what they did with them was up to them. I told him I didn't take kindly to being threatened and that if he had something to say he should come and see me, say to my face what he'd been saying about me behind my back; that I looked forward to seeing him. Never was a note retrieved so quickly, the moment it was popped through the letter box.

We all know and understand how hard it is Rhinestone knowing that there are family celebrations to which we aren't invited. We don't see what they put on face book and they don't see what DH puts on, unless ES is spying of course but we know when there's anything going on because of the over top use of banners and balloons outside the house.

No doubt they'll be there on 2.11 for ES's bday and to herald the arrival of our second GC. Thank goodness we wont be there to see that as we'll be in Aus. Just hope we've left before it all kicks off.

Mixed emotions this morning. Can't wait to collect our 'boys' from the cattery and kennels and trying to focus on what I do want to go home for and not on what makes me wish we didn't have to go back, ever again.

Neither had I realised how poignant words were smileless.

Sad memory for you Anya

As you know yogagirl cliff singing all my love got to me,

All my love, came to nothing at all my love,
When I woke up to find you were no longer mine,
Tell me now could I give you more,
More than all my love.

All my love thrown away, after all this time!

It seems so apt to me ref our estranged daughter.

Welcome home smilless we are getting al lyrical!
Half term is always bit iffy for me, had busy day today, with client all day
Pedicure and waxing, an old friend so lunch included !
Got holiday next Sunday so busy week ahead.

Things are t so bad.

Sorry rhinestone is hard I know.

I know how much it hurts to be estranged from your family. I don't think you can go on year after year trying to put something right you have no control over, it just makes everything worse. Grown people make their own decisions. There are many, many things I am not invited to, I have to make the best of the times I do get to see family. The trouble with family is the old saying you don't get to choose them, not a matter of you must have done something wrong. I am a very small part of my children's lives now, but I lost my mother young and cooed. I read something Bel Mooney wrote once a quote from somewhere. "Teach me to care and not to care", she said is means loving someone but letting go as well. I often think of that quote.

Smileless that was a brilliant letter and good for you to do that. I just don't understand the not having a conversation mentality.
Well my daughter got an answer to why she and her kids weren't invited to stepsons child's party. My daughter in law told her that she didn't want her ( my daughter) to have to keep a secret from us that they were having a party for the five year old. They didn't want us to just show up like we did at my sons house. Apparently my son told them we showed up u expectedly which we did on our way home from a weekend. What a bunch of baloney. She should have had a conversation about this before the party. This was her cover up. And yes we did show up to my sons but why would I crash a party I wasn't invited to.
I have made a decision that I'm comfortable with. I will let my husband deal with his son whether he calls him or not it's up to him. I am not interested in the daughter in law at all and can go through the rest of my life without her or my stepson in it. I'm really really done and I feel stronger just making this decision.

Well it wasn't that much of a secret was it Rhinestone or why would they have publicised it after the event on face book. Why should your daughter have needed to have kept her invite, had she received one, a secret from you? If your stepson and his wife feel that excluding one set of grand parents is justified and reasonable and really thought you would turn up uninvited, why didn't he tell his father about the party, that you weren't being invited and why, and if you turned up you'd be refused entry? "A bunch of baloney" is a very polite way of describing it.

I'm glad you feel stronger having made the decision to leave your husband to deal, or not, with his son; you certainly don't want you daughter being bought into the mix.

Well I know why our ES would never consider meeting up with me for a conversation; he's spent the last 3 years seeking to justify his treatment of us with lies. It's one thing putting your b... sh.t in writing and repeating it to anyone who'll listen, quite another having the courage or being stupid enough to do it face to face.

Very true Luckylegs