Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 4

It's a shame that things got a little out of hand with your DS Celebbut at least you've had his message telling you he loves you. It must be very hard for him, knowing what his sister has done to the parents that he loves. I sometimes forget how hard it must be for DS. We've had some heated exchanges since our estrangement from his brother which is why we're no longer prepared to talk to him about it. I understand why he gets so stroppy, he knows his brother's never likely to make contact, and unless we do, there's no hope of anything changing.

To say his sister is no longer his flesh and blood just demonstrates how angry he must be with her, does he ever discuss his feelings about her with you?

I don't think we'd come to Oz. DS and d.i.l. often talk about coming back to the UK. We'd either spend more time in Florida or sell our place their, our home in the UK and go possibly to Spain.

Of course, ES may move away and if that was the case we'd stay where we are. A lot can happen in the next 3 years, or notbut what ever we do decide there's a lot of fun to be had in the planning.

I'm glad you had a good NYE. The temptation to move nearer to your DS must be great but there's a lot to consider and as you say you have good friends and a great social life where you are. Isn't life strange; you're considering moving closer to your DS and we're considering moving as far away as possible from our estranged one.

Take care everyone.

Celeb - that's so hard when things get out of hand like that. Glad that it seems to be patched up a bit though. Estrangement with one child affects the whole family dynamics so much!

Thanks so much smileless and heavenknows.

It's hard yes tor has broken our family In 2

Smileless our son doesn't ever want to talk about,Tor is pushed he says she is so cruel and evil to deny us our grandaughters. To be fair he has had me inconsolable on phone several times.

He says he has tried to contact her several times no response and I don't think he has lately.

It is hard and I don't think. I dare ever mention her name again to him.
In some ways he may envy she has own home and 3 little ones? Who knows.
He was never my unkind argumentative one so a row with him is very hard and in 38 years that's worst one we had.

He still wants us to move nearer so don't think have blown it.???

I may be totally wrong but I just hope pray your Es will see sense smileless it has not been so long for you. Part of me feels he will miss his mum and dad and see sense especially with new babe born on dads birthday,
Could be totally wrong,
As Yogagirl says things will never be same again whatever happens.

2016 fresh start no contact whatsoever with Tor or will end up,stark staring mad,☹️?
???for us all xx

celeb you are very lucky to have a son like Steve.
Can I give you a word of advice?
Try thinking before you open your mouth, and try thinking about the effect of what you say has on him.
He's chosen his partner and if you love him, you will accept her and any perceived shortcomings. Imply criticism in any way, directly or indirectly, and you risk losing him too.
Sorry if that's blunt, but there it is.

Oh dear celeb not a good start to the new year!

I understand you might feel frustrated re slow repayment of a loan and thinking your son & partner are spending too much..but maybe sales time is the time to be buying stuff as money may go further on essential items?

I would recommend anyone giving a loan to have clear agreement about paying it back if it is important that it is.

Sometimes it is not what we say but how and when!

Hope you have said a big sorry too!

Thanks for well meant advice,

It is all rather more complicated and I have not criticised his partner, I am not that stupid.

I do realise I am Lucky to have my son.

I have been in touch with his partner today and she seems absolutely fine, still trying persuade us to move.

I have never felt you can have a satisfactory relationship by walking on eggshells but I will if necessary.

Let's hope things tick over better for us all in 2016

Penstemon fortunately it was last day of ?2015

Hope it can only improve now??

That sounds like a calm and reasoned attitude celeb and bodes well for 2016.
I wish you good luck!

Celeb! Please take what I'm about to say in the way it's intended....to be helpful.

Reading your posts, the thing that comes over to me is that you appear to be a bit too quick to take things personally. For example, what your son said about your weight. Believe me, the first thing you are going to be told when/if you see a Consultant, is to lose weight. And this will be repeated ad nauseum I'm afraid, but it is for your own good, and you can't afford to be sensitive. I had a total knee re-placement a few years ago, and was told this. As soon as my Consultant could see that I was doing what he asked, he did the op. I have to admit too that even before my surgery, I was walking just a little better, and the pain wasn't quite as sharp. The op went amazingly well, and I went home after two days, using just a stick for a few weeks. Since then, totally pain free. It's wonderful. The lady in the next bed who was a private patient and hadn't lost the weight was still in a lot of pain when I left, and refusing to do the physio. I did all the exercises at home, and continued with the weight loss until I had reached my target weight. It wasn't easy, as I am a widow and had to keep psyching myself up.

Also, please do try not to pass your thoughts on to your son regarding his relationship. It will only cause him a lot of stress. He obviously loves his partner and her sons, as well as you and his dad. He really doesn't want to have to choose.

I find myself now in the same situation as you with my elder son's wife. She is refusing to come to my home any more, after years of visiting and being made most welcome. This has been since the birth of my granddaughter two years ago, so I can only assume that she doesn't want her to have a relationship with me. My son is so terribly unhappy about this, but very grateful to me for saying nothing whilst he tries to sort things out.

If I never see my granddaughter again, it will break my heart, but my son comes first. She is his future, sadly I am his past....Gabby.x.

Thanks Gabrielle I understand totally.
however it was not the time or place on xmas eve after such long difficult drive.

I am only too aware it is important and thank you for sharing that information.

I don't agree as his mum your are his past, that seems a strange view if you don't mind me saying my mother was important to me all her life.

I do agree if forced they will choose their partner.

All we can do is step back.
I remember you saying about this happening.

Can I ask did you ever have good relationship with your d I law?

I do get on well with sons partner she put in my card I have enriched their lives (her and sons). Which was touchingl

I guess I am vulnerable as smileless and Yogagirl say we are sadly damaged by our estrangements.

Thanks for sharing knee advice was helpful and no I haven't taken Offence at all I am sensitive I know that.

When I say I'm my son's past, I don't mean that he should put me aside, merely that all his actions now must first and foremost be to make sure that that little girl has the best life possible. He has made it obvious, especially over these holidays when he is with his wife's family, that he cares very much, by being constantly in touch. No one can take that away from me. I have wonderful memories of both my lads, and my precious late husband. They are just making theirs. Yes, I thought I would have been part of that, and still haven't given up hope, but I am not strong enough now, emotionally or physically, to do any fighting. It is what it is.

You ask about my relationship with my daughter-in-law. I would have said we had a good one, albeit not quite what I would have perhaps liked initially. After having sons, I was thrilled at the idea of a daughter, and perhaps made a bit too much fuss. When I realised that she wasn't really wanting that, I backed off, and we settled into what I thought was a comfortable relationship. I have always made her more than welcome in my home, and we have had holidays together, which I happily funded. There have been odd occasions when little things have irritated me, which she may have picked up on. Likewise, I'm sure I've got on her nerves at times. Over eight years though, not a cross word. So, I am completely at a loss as to why I am now cut off completely. I have always spoiled her with gifts, but now, with a birthday coming up, I don't know what to do for the best. I wanted to email her to say that anything I have said or done to offend her, I apologise for, but my son has told me not to do that right now. To say I'm confused is an understatement.

Thank you for taking what I said the way it was intended. If you ever need any info about knee surgery, I'm your girl....Gabby.x.

Thanks gabby will remember that ref knees.

It certainly does seem strange ref d I law it really does
Did she suffer from PM depression. At all?

My estranged daughter was quite obsessive after having our first Grandaughter it was weird like she wanted stay in and she wasn't interested in anything else at all except Mollie. I put it down to first baby thing and the fact she had been worried about not having any,
just searching for what could have altered d I law.

I spent 9 months visiting her and Mollie and have lovley photos and memories of that time I will
Never really get over losing her and little ones, just have carry on for my dh and son.

I does seem bizarre that your son does t know what has changed either.
Good that he is very much in touch with you so sorry you have the same loss of grandchild.

Forgot to say I think you maybe should se d nice card and small gift just keep door open? Ask your son First maybe,

"so don't think I've blown it" that's such a poignant statement Celeb and for me, sums up the most damaging aspect of being estranged from a child, the fear that one day we'll lose the child/ren we still have in our lives.

What once would have been a heated discussion and mere difference of opinion suddenly takes on an entirely different scenario. When we came to Oz last Easter, I was worried about just being myself; hugging my boy and being openly demonstrative. I was concerned that my lovely d.i.l. would begin to respond in the way ES's wife did and that my relationship with them both at best would be undermined and at worst, destroyed.

I needn't have worriedand our current trip has bought all four of us even closer. Our relationship with our 32 year old son and dear d.i.l. has reached a new level. We've always been close and I'd never have expected that after 30 years our relationship with him could ever have become even more so.

We have been damaged and it only occurred to me since being here in Oz that our DS knows this, he's the only family member our ES has contact with but we rarely speak of him because of the distress it causes us all.

I'm sure that your DS knows that you've both been damaged too, as has he and that he'll have regarded your argument as the type of thing that happens from time to time between adult children and their parents. It's all part of a healthy adult relationship; it's just hard for us not to panic when we've lost a child and we don't even know why.

Morning Girls
Rotten situation Gabby the rest of us on here fined it hard to pin point exactly what we did that warranted being cut out completely from our loved ones, so I wouldn't even try to fathom it out Celebgran gave good advise re: nice card and gift for d.i.l's b/day, as you haven't officially been 'cut out', so, for the moment. kee[ doing what your doing and hope your Son can sort it, as he obviously wants to.

*Celebgran & I have 'spoken' on messenger, so I'll say no more now as it all seems to be sorted for the best.

As you say Smileless we now think twice sometimes, when chatting to our NC, but then I was always diplomatic & never criticised, always saw the best in my [now nasty] s.i.l, but that made no difference in my being 'cut out', so what can you do [?] Like with me Smileless it's all down to jealousy!

Sorry Smileless for you too

I agree the "I don't think I've blown it" is a sad commentary on how much many of us feel like we're walking on eggshells.

My estrangement from my dd coincided with her moving in with her boyfriend, where he really started asserting control over her life, so I feel fairly confident that he has had a hand in it. That's also about the same time that she stopped communicating with most of her friends too, and started being chummy only with his friends. It's not rocket science. Her life literally revolves around his, her interests are his, and he doesn't like her attention centered on anyone but him (including her son, I've noticed). It's frustrating, but there's nothing I can do about it (except hope she wakes up and dumps him, but likely not going to happen any time soon). It's changed her behaviour unbelievably, and she has shown rude, nasty, intolerant behaviour to various people that I've not seen from her before. It's quite odd - it's like she is taking on his worst traits. I'm trying to keep communication open, but she's not answered my text saying Happy New Year, so I suspect that now she doesn't need me (out of hospital and home again and recovered), I won't hear from her again... until she needs something.

I already feel quite isolated - this is not my home country, so dd is my only family in the country, my family lives abroad. I have a couple friends, but they are not supportive of the issues I have with my two dcs that are still home (they are both autistic), and have already had a friendship fail because a friend couldn't understand that I can't just drop everything and go out without dcs, as they need specialist care.

My dd cutting off contact has just been like the final blow to everything, if that makes sense. We have always been very close, so it was really a shock.

For more than 3 years I've been on this thread (originally 'cut out of their lives') and there are still times when I wish I could find something useful to say, to support and simply 'to be there' for someone else in pain due to estrangement. Having just read your post heavenknows is one of those times. So in the absence of knowing what to say I'm sending you and my assurance that we'll always be here for you.

When this thread hits 1000 posts, we'll begin it all over again because there are so many parents estranged from their children who are in desperate need of the care and support that can be found here and I can only hope that knowing this, you'll feel just a little less isolated.

Thanks Yogagirl. Hope all is OK with you Celeb and you too Rhinestone, have you finished packing yet? Hope your mum's settled down and you have a great time in Florida.

Found out there is wifi where we're going tomorrow so you'll still have my posts to put up with. I'm going to miss these Christmas hats.

That's relief smilelss would have missed your posts.

Lucky girl being hot it is so cold wet here today and I still feel rubbish can't breathe with all catarrgh??

We have the photo of Mollie framed we got by accident neither of us sure if it upsets us more or less to have it. Is recent picture.

Daisy is 5 today we think ever see on her ??must t get morbid.

We found picture on f book of Tor and husband happy carefree we should be pleased but sad they don't want or need us.

We away next Friday so got get well before then.?

I feel sad for you beavenknows you must feel used now,
Smilelss right we share the good and bad and support each other on here,
Texted My son he replied at gymn.at least he answered as messaged him and emailed no reply.
Can't talk much with this throat really need speak to him again,

Smileless Thanks. I am focusing on just getting on with life and trying not to dwell on it.

celebgran yes, used, definitely. But I can look back and say that I didn't stoop to the level she did when I was ill, so regardless I am happy with the way I have acted. There's a small solace in being the bigger person, I guess, rather than petty.

May I ask you Heaven where you are from? I lived abroad for 15yrs, in different countries, so I know what it's like to be in a foreign country, without family. Have you a husband to support you? I don't and wish I did have
Celebgran hope you are ok, with it being Daisy's birthday today I had lovely picture of my two, in a beautiful silver frame, first on the coffee table, then moved it to the hearth, then the cupboard couldn't look at it anymore, too upsetting I have still left the bare hook, in my hall way, where another lovely pic of them used to hang, sort of symbolic, to leave it and not put another picture in it's place, my ND gave me a beautiful one of my new baby GD and said ' you can put it on the hook where Laila & Jack was' I said 'no, the space is not big enough'

Yoga - I'm American. I separated from my British husband as he was abusive to our children (and myself). As both dcs are disabled, I don't work. I don't want another husband, I like having sole possession of the remote control.

Well done heaven knows ref remote control.
Yes not good stoop too ed level.

Thanks Yogagirl depressed anyway today sneeze sneeze can't breathe and sooo cold and wet went back bed with papers ??

Oh for some sun send it over smilelss nose just like a tap sorry too much information.

We didn't send daisy card this is end road after 7 years well done Tor you won,

USA Heaven our nearest cousins, so home from home The countries I lived in, English was the second language. Your right about 'remote control' I do enjoy being on my own, but it would be lovely to have a man by my side

Celebgran I have thought about stopping after the next birthdays, as I just feel it's rubbing salt in the wounds, to keep going year after year! Strange, I thought that last night, about winning, ' you've won nasty' I thought, but it shouldn't be about winning and loosing should it, it should be about getting on with one another and being a loving extended family, helping each other and looking out for each other and giving mutual respect.

I couldn't sleep again last night, 'it' just kept spinning round & round in my head, no matter how much I tried to think of something else, into the fourth year and still my thoughts are seldom off my beloved GC&C

A shallow 'victory' Celeb when the prize for winning is losing your parents. Perhaps the 'victory' is yours, you've found the strength to begin the long and painful process of letting go.

Our GS will be 4 in 3 days time; I can hardly believe it. I posted a Bday card before we left for Oz. It's something we want to do for him, not ES, just for our GC and I feel strangely detached from ES now when I send cards for our GC, my thoughts being only for them.

Here's somefor you Celeb; hope it helps your 'tap'.

Yes, good reference to a remote control heavenknows. Taking back control of our lives and not allowing our EC to bring us down any more and/or any further is also like regaining control of the remote that affects and influences our own lives.

I would hang something else on that hook Yogagirl, not a picture but perhaps a heart.

We've arrived at Magaret River and it's beautiful, we can see the river glistening in thefrom our balcony. It's really lovely and I'm trying to push all thoughts of our departure on Saturday back to the UK out of my mind. Only 5 days to go and then that awful heart wrenching pain when I hug my DS for the last time and will have to wait goodness knows how long, before I can hug him again.